I am so mad at BM
We are going on week 3 since BM has spoken to her daughter. And of course, it hurts SD9. DH and I try to keep her mind on other things. But, we both literally cringe when SD9 asks to call her mom. She has called BM at least 5 or 6 times in the last 2 weeks. And, BM can't be bothered to find 5 minutes to call her daughter. I just don't understand it.
I have 50/50 custody of my Bios and I call them every night when they are with their dad. Mostly, I just call to ask about their day and check in. The calls are short. I feel bad when I call them because I know she has noticed. I have started going outside or locking myself in my room when I call them so she doesn't have to hear.
DH has written to BM and asked her to return SD9's calls. We have heard nothing from her in response to that email. SD9 has been talking about how excited she is to visit BM over the summer. DH and I are both wondering if she will actually get to visit. The last time he emailed BM about setting dates of travel (we have to meet in the middle so it takes some coordination), her response was she would see if she could arrange getting SD9. She also made an offhand comment to DH on the phone a few weeks ago that it might be best if SD9 didn't visit.
I just do not get it.
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It sounds like there may be
It sounds like there may be more going on. It sounds like she may be embarrassed about her current state of living. Does she have a drug issue, job issue, abusive boyfriend? I have a feeling there is something bigger going on here.
She lost custody of SD9 and
She lost custody of SD9 and SD11 in August of last year. SD11 ended up going back to live with her. Since SD11 left, she has had nothing to do with SD9. She used to call every night when they were both here. Now, its like pulling teeth to get her to talk to SD9. She has 5 other kids and her living conditions were horrible (that is why she lost the girls). She has never been ashamed of it before. I have no idea what has changed, except that SD11 no longer lives here.
Have you considered, she may
Have you considered, she may be punishing SD9 for not forcing you to send her back to her mother?
I have wondered that. I know
I have wondered that. I know that BM pushed SD11 to act the way she did. Since SD11 has returned to BM, I noticed that SD9 has almost no contact with BM or any of her family. It is like they are all mad at her for this mess, which is a shame b/c she is just a kid caught in a bad situation.
Your BM has never cared about
Your BM has never cared about SD9. Her only interest so far has been SD11. Maybe your SD9 will be fortunate and grow up without BM in her life. Does it suck ? Yeah. But I would definitely hope BM doesn't want to see SD over the summer. You can't make up for BM's shortcomings but you can be kind and nice to SD and hopefully that is enough. I do feel for this child because adults struggle with the realization their parents don't love them and SD is just a little girl.
SD11 lives almost a 1,000
SD11 lives almost a 1,000 miles away. And no, she won't be coming for any visits. My DH stopped calling her b/c she refuses to take his calls. He tried calling probably 2 dozen times in the last few months. She picks up the phone and tells him not to call her. The last time he called, she told him off and called him/me/SD9/my Bios some very dirty names. He told her that he still loved her and hope she would call him one day.
This is so different. DH would talk to SD11 if she would just reach out to him or just let him talk to her. She refuses. But SD9 is begging for her mom's attention. And, its like BM has no time for her. I just don't understand it.
Our bm disappears for months
Our bm disappears for months on end with no contact. It's always been that way. No calls, no emails, literally no contact for months then a call out of the blue, a few weeks of high conflict contact, one or two couple hour long visits and then she disappears again. She doesn't live on the other side of the country either - she's never lived more than an hour away from us.
We don't bring bm up in conversation. If ss talks about her, we talk about her positively. There is nothing else we can do.
When he was younger ss would break down and cry, get in our laps and ask why bm doesnt want to see him. Our response was something along the lines of "of course bm wants to see you. bm loves you. we don't know what is going on in her life right now. bm loves you very much but can't spend time with you right now and we don't know why." The response we chose was about not shattering the child - it had nothing to do with bm. We were focused on keeping ss as emotionally healthy and whole as possible.
For this and many other reasons, I loathe the woman.
Years ago, dh tried to get bm involved. He tried guilting her into it, presenting logical arguments, calling and telling her what ss was doing in school, etc... none of it worked. I have never understood it either. I was angry at bm for a very long time because of it. Now I just don't care why bm does what she does. I dont even care what she does. I will never understand it.
We eventually stopped telling ss when visitation had been arranged, because 60% of the time bm would cancel or just not show up. When we had already told him and she canceled, it would go something like this: "SS, your mom can't make it today. (ss gets upset) I know you're upset ss, and if you want to talk about we can. I'm going to (the park, the used book store, the grocery, the museum, whatever). Hop in the car and come with me." So ss would get in, feel wanted by someone, talk or not talk throughout the day about bm and eventually get distracted by a new activity.
The best thing you can do for kiddo is to get her in with a good counselor, get her involved in an extracurricular she enjoys, take her to play with her friends, and spend time with her - go to the park, the movies, museums, nature walks, do art projects, ride bikes together. Give her SOMEWHERE where she feels wanted.
how far away does she live?
how far away does she live? Could she be in jail or something?