MIL...
My MIL and I had a good relationship or so I thought. SD9 won an award at school on Monday. I invited MIL to come for a visit to see her get the award and to spend some extra time with her. Everything was fine in the beginning. On Monday night, DH told S D9 to vacuum the floors. It is part of her punishment for lying. MIL tried to argue with this and say that DH's niece could do it. He told her no. I went into the bedroom to get DD4 ready for bed. DH had followed me into the room for something. He and I were coming out of the room and into the kitchen when I noticed that his niece was vacuuming the floors. I stopped and turned to DH and asked why the niece was doing SD9's chore. He turned around and asked SD9 why she was not doing her own chores. SD9 apologized and went back to vacuuming. DH's mom jumped in the middle and contradicted DH in front of SD9. DH went outside with MIL and had a talk with her about it. We thought that was the end of it.
No, because for the rest of the night and the next day, MIL had an attitude. She was standoffish and rude. DH called her on it yesterday morning and it turned into a screaming match. Of course, I was dragged into the middle of it. Apparently, we are too negative to SD9 and the kids are treated differently. She had some very hurtful things to say. She can't stay with us anymore because she can't follow our rules...those were her words. The only rule was that she not step on DH's toes when he is parenting SD9. Then she tells him that if she thinks he is parenting SD9 that she is going to step in because that is her baby. He told her that was crossing the boundaries.
So she tells him that she needs to get away and she leaves for several hours. She comes back in the evening. DH and I are sitting on the couch watching TV. She comes in, doesn't say hi or anything. She just sits down and starts paying attention to SD9. The tension is so thick that you can cut it with a knife. I ended up going into the my bedroom. DH followed me. I told him that I wasn't comfortable in our house and that I shouldn't have to hide out in our bedroom so I was going to take the kids to the park.
He says he is going to come with me and bring SD9. That way his mom has time to calm down. Well she jumps up as we are leaving to go to the park and starts packing her stuff. She tells him that she is leaving because she can't stay at a house with so many rules. He goes out to get her cooler out of the back of the van and I am outside with the kids. Then I hear yelling. Those two are into an argument in the kitchen because she started insulting me and told him that none of this would have happened if I hadn't brought it to his attention that SD9 wasn't doing her chore. It ended up getting really ugly and she stomped out of our house, making a huge scene in front of the kids.
So this whole fight started because I pointed out to DH that SD9 wasn't doing her chores. I know what happened. DH's mom told the niece to do SD9's chore while we were in the bedroom. She admitted that she told DH's niece to hurry up and stop doing the chore as soon as she saw us come out of the bedroom. So she tried to cover it up, but I saw what was going on and brought it to DH's attention. She is mad because she got caught undermining DH's authority. And, as she said, she was a mother figure to the SDs when DH was single, so she thinks that means that she has the rights of a parent.
It is a big mess and I don't know how to deal with it. After some of the things she said, I think I am going to disengage from her for a while. I just don't want to deal with this.
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Don't deal with it. Your DH
Don't deal with it. Your DH handled it. Granny is grounded, no coming over again until she owns her bad behavior and apologizes to your DH, you and the kids for her childish, immature, reprehensible behavior.
All that over a 9yr old
All that over a 9yr old running the vacuum? The horror. Poor kid lives in a sweatshop. :jawdrop:
Seriously? Stay out of it. DH sounds as if he's quite capable of both holding his own with his mother and defending his home's parental decisions.
You have structure, expectations and consequences in your home. Rightly so. Most households with children do. Gma tested the boundaries and discovered them strong.
Hopefully if she's ever invited for a visit again, she elects to book a hotel room. She can spend time doing activities, dining with the family, take the kids for a few hours to the hotel pool. Perfect way to spend time with one's family without involving oneself and/or intruding in the family's daily household routine.
Well, we now have the
Well, we now have the explanation for SD's behaviors. MIL taught her how to lie, cover up, throw a hissy fit, and be an A$$ (I do not have to submit to your authority).
You do not need to do anything. Let DH continue to handle her. You have a rare DH that handles his own business with his mother.
It also might be in all of your best interest, in particular, SD's for MIL to stay away from you for a looonnnng time.
That woman is crazy.
"and be an A$$ (I do not have
"and be an A$$ (I do not have to submit to your authority)."
LOL! thanks for the chuckle
dup
dup
Well, we now have the
Well, we now have the explanation for SD's behaviors. MIL taught her how to lie, cover up, throw a hissy fit, and be an A$$ (I do not have to submit to your authority).
You do not need to do anything. Let DH continue to handle her. You have a rare DH that handles his own business with his mother.
It also might be in all of your best interest, in particular, SD's for MIL to stay away from you for a looonnnng time.
That woman is crazy.
Yeah, DH used to work
Yeah, DH used to work overnights and the SDs would stay with her when he was at work. Plus, she took over whenever she could. DH told me a long time ago that she would tell him that he was doing things wrong and she knew b/c she had raised kids before. She has undermined him in the past, but this was the first time he caught her in the act and called her out on it.
your MIL is the same as mine.
your MIL is the same as mine. welcome to the "evil woman who married/changed my son" club!!!!
Same. OP, you're very lucky
Same.
OP, you're very lucky to have a DH that has the balls to stand-up to their own mother.
My DH *claims* to defend me and our family, but given that I have never witnessed it with my own two eyes, I've come to the conclusion he's most likely throwing me under the bus to remain neutral.
My MIL acts out in the same manner. She's a passive-aggressive jerk-face who's notorious for huffing off like a 13 year old girl. Our last family vacation with SK and the in-laws involved a lot of bad behavior on her part. She had the audacity to bring up going to the beach this summer and I told her "After our last trip? Absolutely not!" Then I laughed and laughed and laughed.
I've since disengaged from her and she hates it.
I like how your husband
I like how your husband handled it by standing his ground. I can't believe your MIL had the nerve to try to undermine his and your authority over SD that way.
" She tells him that she is
" She tells him that she is leaving because she can't stay at a house with so many rules. "
Makes me wonder what kind of consequence Grandma would have handed out for catching SD watching videos on the banned electronic? 'Oh don't worry about it, honey. It'll our little secret *wink wink*'
exactly! this is exactly how
exactly! this is exactly how mine is. she started her campaign against me (and dh totally has my back) because i asked a 5 year old child to remove his naked booty from the counter that we were about to put food on. she is totally the "dont let your dad and sm find out...." type of grandmother too.
i've told dh for a long time that his mother wanted so desperately to be oss' mom herself. well she got her wish, oss and dh got into a fight one day and he moved in with her. still lives there.
she tells the kids that i'm bad for their father, that i made too many changes in their lives. cuz i ask them things like to not run down the stairs, get their sneakers off the couch, wear shoes outside, and not be around me in their underwear. oooo so horrible.
she is a liar and a thief too, which is a bonus. *rme* she tries to undermine dh and badmouths me. dh does not stand for it either!
we have a better relationship with dumb@$$' mom instead. one time dh was on the phone with her, and she said to him "ya know, tuff doesnt have a mean bone in her body when it comes to the kids. she's never had any bad intentions. i will say tho' that the one mistake you (dh) made was letting me and your mother be *too* involved in calling the shots with the kids." she never undermines dh and does not badmouth me. she totally backs both of us up. kinda wish SHE was my MIL!!!
Ugggh. My MIL stepped in
Ugggh. My MIL stepped in when my DH got separated from his wife. He had a really erratic schedule and since he was living next door to his parents (in his grandparent's home) my MIL just stepped in because she felt like he wasn't able to do a good enough job with his crazy hours and a 5 and 8 YO. BM wasn't in a position to really care for the kids either so MIL stepped in.
I will give my MIL this, she really thinks she has the best of intentions and cares about her grandchildren. BUT, she also has a hard time accepting anyone else's way of doing things.
Her viewpoint is that if you are not taking care of a child, house, dog etc. the way SHE would then you aren't doing a good job. She actually has a dog of ours because she didn't like how we cared for it. Granted, I work full time and due to the dog's propensity for escaping and running amok and killing our chickens, she had to be either crated, penned, leashed or tied out. She thought "ooo poor dog" so she took her. I kept reminding her that we were not mistreating the dog at all, it was HER opinion alone that made her want to take the dog.
I can give you a LIST of things that she would comment on regarding the way we were treating the girls.
1. They don't have their own rooms???? Poor girls - I told her that I had shared a room with my BROTHER until I was 12 and it wasn't unusual or cruel to do so.
2. They have to ASK before they can take food out of the fridge or pantry??? - YES they do because we don't want them filling up on junk and not eating nutritious dinners. I also don't want them eating food we might have planned to have for a specific occasion either.
3. You didn't buy them a CAR at 16??? Uh, NO, we expected them to save money to contribute to this goal. Oh, BTW, your son bought all of his cars growing up... hypocrite.
4. You shouldn't expect so much academically, "I" was terrible at school. - Listen, both these girls are smart and capable of getting good grades. We expect it and DH expresses his disappointment when they don't do well. Don't give them a pass because you didn't even finish HS because you were too busy wanting to get married at 18 (and to this day you complain about how your DH cheated on you.. so how did THAT work out for YOU???)
5. You make the girls work on house projects and chores? Uh, yes we do, they are members of the household and EVERYONE contributes. I don't care if you are a martyr that did all the household chores alone. We want these kids to develop life skills and be able to take care of themselves.
6. I didn't worry about my boys when they left home, why do you worry and try to tell the girls what they should do? --- I don't know lady, maybe because we would like for the girls to have the benefit of our experience and to help them not make the same mistakes we or you made??? You think that not caring whether your child had money to eat dinner when he was living away from home is something to be proud of? The fact that you never encouraged him to do well in school or gave him any advice at all about life? We don't want the girls to leach onto us for life. So, we are going to try to help them succeed.
You are lucky your DH stood up to her. She needs to learn that DH is now stepping in to parent and that YOU are supporting him. She is not in that role any more thank you very much.
^These things would be so
^These things would be so irritating. The hypocrisy of some of them would drive me nuts.
I feel so bad for being
I feel so bad for being relieved that I don't have a MIL, as DH's mom died before I met him. I mean, I wish he still had his mom but I'm glad I don't have a meddling MIL with an attitude!
You know, I always wondered
You know, I always wondered why DH married BM, she had all the "stay away" warning lights most people would get, she came from a broken, drug infused, abusive home, cutting herself, abusive behaviors when they argued, but then I got to know MIL, not the mask she puts on for people she doesn't know well, and it was then that I realized he married BM because he simply didn't know women could be different from that.
You're very lucky your DH doesn't sit there and take it, my DH has been trained from childhood to keep his mouth shut and ignore it.