It's so confusing... and it rankles!!
I keep telling my SO to let SS19 do his online things on his own - like signing up for classes in Community College, of any of his things that need to be done online. The other day I saw SO (as usual) doing some College stuff for SS19, so I opened my piehole and said: let him do it. SO got irked and another battle began.
But now the best is yet to come... I heard SO talking last night to a friend who's a therapist, complaining and being worried about the fact that the OTHER BP is treating and pampering SS19 like a baby in that household, not giving him any responsibility, no consequences, and total freedom - they do his laundry, his dishes, no chores... there is baby talk, etc.
So doing college stuff in the intenet for him is not babying him???!! and I get my head chewed off because I call it out???!!!
And then I feel like I am the problem maker and the crazy person.
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Disengage
How aggravating! My DH, like yours, can be vocal about other parents coddling their kids but he's blind when he does it himself.
I'd try not to say anything cuz we step-parents are always so critical, fault-finding and uncaring. We obviously don't realize how brilliant and sensitive the SKs are. So, anything you say will be not only disregarded, but held against you.
Disengaging is easier said than done but its the only way in these situations. Good luck.
I forget about the magical
I forget about the magical pill of disengagement. Thanks!
What tells you
That DH is can't see the forest from the trees. He thinks what he doing is normal parent stuff. You can't win a battle when DH doesn't know he in one.
I'm sure he sees it just a
I'm sure he sees it just a little differently.. what the mom does vs what he is doing. (though if it was something like fasfa.. he does need to do it.. not his son necessarily to fill in parent info).
He sees it as facilitating college which is important for his son to get into classes so he can start working on a degree..
But.. if he wants to help his son.. helping vs doing it for him is what should be happening.. they sit down together to work out a semester course load.
I get, some college stuff
I get, some college stuff might need help - maybe not quite the best example, but another example is the kid signed up for a gym a few months ago and now need to quit, and is constantly asking my SO to get on the internet and do the gym stuff for him, or DMV stuff. I think the kid should be taught instead of doing evertyhing for him.
Yes.. absolutely.. when kid
Yes.. absolutely.. when kid asks.. Ok.. come on over.. let's sit you down and i will help you through it.
Six degrees
Six degrees of separation between the babying of SS between houses. Neither one is doing the right thing in allowing SS to grow and learn and be a strong independent MAN.
Could you take the veil off and reveal these things to DH? Sure. Is it worthwhile? Maybe.
I too have to watch catering and coddling. Currently SD 17 Powersulk is "going online" for the remainder of high school. Im staying the heck out of things. Maybe try not to watch too closely? Maybe chalk it up to your DH trying to hold on to the last shreds of SS childhood???
Yes!
trying to hold on to the last shreds of SS childhood - this is what happening here, but for what I see it impairs the SS on his journey to adulthood. Sometimes I believe parents need to make sacrifices and go beyond their feelings of endearemnt and being in love with their children to help them fly and soar... it is kind of selfish to hang on to them and make them feel like dependent babies and not allow them to completely soar even though if it's painful.
But then again, maybe I am too old fashioned and too strict for such modern times.
Im the same way
Im the same way
This new-age gentle parenting is so foreign to me and imo explains why we have the "adult step kid" thread
A lot of kids these days - especially if they're raised by Disneyland parents - are not equipped to navigate life without lots of hands on assistance despite being fully capable.
Im a bit against the "hang on to the last shred of childhood" when it comes to responsibility/ work ethic/ etc because at late teen stages they should be young-adults-in-training
Sign me up for your first
Sign me up for your first parenting class.
Me too
Me too
Does your husband understand
Does your husband understand that doing work in the place of his son is called FRAUD? I would have my fingers crossed that DH gets a truly crappy grade so that he'll quit this ridiculous situation.
I should've explained in more
I should've explained in more detail, not the actual work but the signing up for classes, choosing classes, doing thing like that.
Yes it is fraud. And ... if
Yes it is fraud. And ... if anyone with an agenda learns that DH is doing his kid's college work any degree conferred on SS could be revoked.
I used this to my significant advantage in my divorce. I wrote every paper my XW was assigned for the last 3yrs of her BSN. When she moved out, she left her diary. Chaching. And... every school assignement she turned in during her BSN program. Including the final graded papers I wrote, and.... every hand written rough draft in my hand writing.
Her attorney loved that.
We originally agreed to a single attorney uncontested divorce. She named the distribution of assets, etc... I agreed with her proposal. Then... she let her coworkers and my XMIL convince her that I was being an asshole.
My XMIL set XW up with the business attorney the company she worked for used.
Her attorney called me to come in for a meeting with my attorney, him and my XW. I went alone with a large manila envelope. We sat down, he advised that I get an attorney. I listened then slid the envelope across the table. In the envelope was notarized copies of specific diary pages with names, locations, etc... of her extramarital cheat fest partners and daliances and ... notarized copies every paper I wrote for her Undergrad. Both the graded final papers and the rough drafts in my handwriting.
Her attorney happened to be an Adjunct professor at the lawschool for her University. He fired her on the spot because representing her put him in a conflict of interest position between his law practice and the University.
She lost her shit screaming and ranting, he had to calm her down, I left after making it clear that I had the originals and multiple notarized copies of everything I had given them.
Back to the single attorney uncontested divorce with her originally proposed property distribution.
Yes, I was complicit in her accademic fraud. But, it was her degree that could have been revoked.
So, this is a true risk that DH and SS are exposing any accademic position that SS may reach to revocation.
As I understand it.
I agree it's fraudulent to do
I agree it's fraudulent to do the work for them. But this scenario is not doing the actual homeworks or papers. Is more oing the admin signups for classes and choosing schedules which IMO the kid should learn how do on his own. This is just contributing more to his computer illiteracy.
I was in the generation that
I was in the generation that did auditorium registration. We had to have a back up schedule and alternative classes for each class in case all of the sections were closed by the time we got to the front of the line for that department.
When telephone registration became a thing, I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Never again did I not get a class that I needed. Best of all was when I changed majors and transferred to a different university for the last time. My program was a fixed curriculum model with very few electives so on day one you knew exactly what you were taking each semester and if you passed all of your classes you know the exact date of your graduation. The only electives/variables were which flavor of History, etc... you chose. The class times were fixed and for electives there were no more than a couple of options.
Kids today seem to need so much more hand holding than kids back in the day required.
It's really hard not to say
It's really hard not to say anything to Disneyland parents about their train wreck/coddling/helicopter/bulldozer/etc parenting style
The more you say anything to help them, the more they double down on the dysfunction
Its better to ignore them/leave them/refuse to live with them unless they can figure out more healthy ways of parenting that don't disturb everyone else's peace at the same time.