You can only control you. You should know this. Your BF has 50% custody of the child. So, he is at least 50% responsible for how this child is. You cannot stand this child, and cannot be around him for more than a few hours at a time.
YET YOU WANT TO LIVE WITH THIS CHILD FOR HALF OF YOUR LIFE. Put your MA to use here. Does this arrangement make sense to you?
Do you think you will be able to make BF "see the light" and become a different parent? (If that answer is YES, then you are in for a BIIIIIG surprise!)
How long have you and BF been together? And why have you chosen to be with a man whose young child you loathe? That kid is going nowhere and will be in your life for a very long time to come.
SMH. I just don't get this. You've set yourself up to be unhappy in this position. Why?

PS: My skids didn't turn into absolute shits until shortly before our wedding. It only gets worse.

RUN. That's the best advise I can give you.

If you marry this guy you think you will gain some position of authority to raise the kid. Wrong - step-parents are powerless. You'll have the kid half the time which means what the father doesn't undo because he "picks his fights" the mother will undo just being the person she already is. Plus she'll be screaming at you to leave HER kid alone. And 'picks his fights' won't be fighting his ex on your behalf I assure you.

You think you can change the father but men never change. He was and always will be a lazy father who by and large will let the kid do what he wants and if that means over-ruling you then that's what he will do. You think you've felt frustration? Just wait.

You've found "the one" but you've lowered your standards to marry a guy who can't do the one thing you based your life upon. Woman there are a million men out there who because of their education and career have waited until now to have children. They are looking frantically for a women just like you who was smart enough to wait also. Find a man without children.

Speaking of which if you do, despite all the advise you've asked for and faught against here, decide to marry this guy DO NOT DO NOT have children with him for a year. After that I won't have to tell you to postpone children because you will become disgusted with the futility of the situation and will double up your birth control methods. Or be crossing your legs and filing for divorce.

As a child psychologist or whatever title you've assumed you'll find this the most frustrating losing situation you'll ever find. "Doctor heal theyself" the saying goes and you will find yourself telling parents to do things you cannot even do in your own home.

Please do not do this. Please. Don't.

I know this all seems tough and mean and we don't understand how 'amazing' and how much in love you are. But we KNOW because we have BEEN there.

The 'amazing'... will it last when he is sleeping next to his little boy because he is suddenly scared of the dark? Will it last when the boy changes his mind from week to week over what food he likes or dislikes and only dislikes the food the way you cook it? Will it last when you get pregnant and have a child of your own and this boy decides to use your baby as a football? Seriously, these are all scenarios I have read here.

Also your BF wants you to 'wait' to move in until YOU get along better with his son. Well he has a point. You don't get along with him because the way he is raised goes counter productive to everything you believe. Wouldn't you call that 'settling'? So you have to amend your standards and expectations to accomodate this boy (who is only the product of his environment) and he does nothing? Oh excuse me, he expects pleases and thank yous. Big deal. My 11 mth old grandson says 'Ta' to me when he wants something.

I wonder how your BF would react if his precious slapped you across the face and spat at you? Or bit you? Or screamed abuse and obscenities at you? Or keyed your car to prove how much he hates you? The free range raising of kids is well and good as long as they keep their 'experiments' a long way from me and I don't have to endorse the programme.

If I were you and I really wanted to move ahead with this relationship I would maintain my own apartment and slowly up the ante with the child. There is no rush to move in and it isn't compulsary. And maintaining your own front door may just give you the escape route you need. No one says you have to love the boy but you have to accept him and tolerate him. And never complain again because you have been warned!

You say things are getting better.

The father is starting to parent more and the child is responding, his manners are improving etc.

So I guess it's time to up the ante a little, try spending a full weekend with your partner and his son (at partners house) See how that goes for a few months.

If you can't take it then you know this situation is not for you. If things are improving and your finding the child more tolerable, spending greater periods with him should be easier.

Just for the record. Agree with pretty much everything that has been said.

This is a HARD HARD road you are contemplating. This kid could go either way.

Not going to tell you to run (hell I didn't LOL) but take it very slowly. Build up your tolerance

You may never like let alone love that child. I am just starting to tolerate my skids now (we've been living together almost a year now) And it has been SO much harder than I ever anticipated. and WE thought we had anticipated bad. We thought we were prepared. We read books, we talked about everything under the sun.

The reality is FAR different than anything we anticipated. In our "this love we share is so amazing" bubble.

Our love still is amazing. He is still the love of my life, and me his. That, sometimes, is the only thing that gets us through. After we scream and yell and fight and cry, we hold each other and remind each other that we DO love each other.