Not sure if I want boyfriends son to be my step son
I am finding myself more and more irritated by my boyfriends 12 yr old son. Although he is not a bad kid, a few of his little ways are getting to me. Even the way he talks frustrates me (he is not very good at pronouncing words - he is quite lazy when he speaks, but that's how his bm speaks!). He is very overweight (he wears the same size clothes as my boyfriend) and doesn't know how to play outside as his bm has only recently allowed him outside on his own. I could list endless little things, but they are so petty (and probably all in my own head), that I won't.
I feel really bad for feeling this way, but after 3.5 years with my boyfriend, I still feel that i have no connection with him.
My boyfriend and I have been talking about getting married although we have recently we have not been getting on so well. I'm now not sure if getting married is the right thing as I'm also not sure I want to be a stepmum to his son. I feel guilty for feeling this way, I love my boyfriend, but taking on a ss is a big commitment. My boyfriend has even said it might be best for us to wait to have children till he stops paying maintenance in 3.5 years. I don't want to wait that long - I'm nearly 32 and don't wait to wait to start trying till I'm 35 (who knows if I'll have any fertility issues). I know his son is a very big part of his life, but wish I could be an equal part.
i know exactly how you feel,
i know exactly how you feel, i hate my DH's ss15. i met him when he had just turned 12 adn i didn't like him then. i keep telling myself the countdown in my head until this child vacated our home whenever he wants. he lives with his mother but he and ss17 come on weekends they're not busy now that school has started. they practically move in during the summer, which is when i found this sight. the kid is gross and there are no signs that it'll get better because it's hard to train someone to behave differently when you've only got control of them for a couple days. ss15 drags his feet when he walks. i always want to yell at him and ask him if he's that lazy that he can't fully pick up his feet. chews with his mouth wide open. won't shower or brush his teeth.
i think if i would have known what i know now i would have been more cautious when first getting involved with a man with kids. i'm happy as hell with DH when it's just US, i just cringe when i hear "the boys are coming". 15 & 17 - they'll be gone shortly and then i'll be throwing a party!!!!
you need to sit down with your bf and have a good heart to heart about wanting children and what the future will really be like due to ss - that kid isn't ever going away - they'll always be a part of your bf just as you will always be a part of your parents.
Once they reach puberty
Once they reach puberty children do get quite annoying for their birth parents, let alone other adults in their life. Their cockiness and fads and sudden delusion that they know everything about everything can get right on your nerves. But if you're obsessing over lots of petty things about your BFs son then it does not bode well. After 3.5 years I imagine you've already tried some tactics for bonding with your BF's son, so if they haven't worked then you probably have to accept that you're never going to have a close relationship with him, which means that it will always require extra effort and tolerance to have him around.
Only you can know whether you can be happy long term making that effort, but the quality of your relationship with your BF is paramount, because if there are problems between you, or he is not supportive enough of your role with his son, or you have a different life expectations, then it would be easy for the scales to tip into the negative and for that to get sublimated into more resentment of your BF's son. Your increasing irritation with your BF's son is probably due to his age, but it might also be that if you have not been getting on well with your partner your are already seeing the scales tip resulting in less tolerance for his son. Personally if I am unhappy with DH about something I do sometimes find myself less willing to put myself out for my SKids, because ultimately the reason that I work so hard on my relationship with my SKids is because I love my husband and he loves and appreciates me.
The issue of having your own children is critical - if you are already on the verge of wanting children then you do need to be deciding whether you are in the right relationship for starting your own family. Unless your financial situation is really difficult I wouldn't wait until you're 35 to start trying - that's the age when a woman's fertility starts to decline dramatically and so do chances of conception. If you are resentful of your BF's son now, imagine the resentment you would feel if you were denied the opportunity to have your own child because you waited until your SS's child support had stopped before trying. It's just a risk I'm not sure you want to take. I think you need to be honest with yourself about how much you want this relationship, and how tolerant and supportive you can be of his son, and be honest with your partner about how much you want a baby...
If he tells you to wait some
If he tells you to wait some years before trying for a baby, leave him point blank.
He expects you to raise his son first before he even considers having another one with you? Knowing your age and risks to the pregnancy when women get older? That is so selfish. Did he wait for the first child like that too?!
I gave myself deadline for leaving if things dont get moving soon. I am not gonna wait till his kid grows up to have mine
No freaking way am i gonna raise his child and lose opportunity to be a mother myself. If he doesnt want any children with me, he can find some other woman who already has her own and marry her. Somehow i doubt any of these men would gladly accept someone elses children.
I had a 12 yr old s/son who
I had a 12 yr old s/son who has/had ADHD. He ate most of his meals with his fingers. He had no manners and ppushed ahead of me through doors. He wiped his hands on his clothes instead of washing them. He was puny and short due to the required ADHD drugs. (This is one of the side effects. It can stunt their growth)
When I chose to marry DHI I told him that there would be changes and could his sons live with them. If he said anything about I can't rock the boat/Mr12 is just the way he is/he can't do anything because of his mother I would not have married him.
He gave me carte blanche to go ahead and do my job.
And so over the last 6 years I have worked with the boy, constantly correcting his bad/antisocial/unacceptable behaviour.
I told DH I didn't CARE what his ex thought or did. I am the woman if the house and no way is ANY child living here behaving like he did.
With DH on my side and his ex ocassionally throwing a hissy fit and him telling her to butt out of the way we ran OUR house that weird little boy is now a senior in high school, off the ADHD drugs for 3 yrs and shot up and bulked up and is my shopping buddy and friend. Even last night Mr18-in-4-weeks stood at the checkout with me and said "We make a great shopping team ... silence ... I am surprised I am not gay." The kid cracks me up.
However .... if your B/Friend is unable to make changes for fear of his ex or cannot make child rearing decisions for himself then you should move on. I work with the plan that If I don't accept that behaviour in my neices/nephews let alone my own kids then I am not accepting it in my s/sons.
And truly, it took me 4 years to see these 2 boys as my s/sons. You don't have to love them right away. They can annoy you. But when they are in your house they live by YOUR code.
If you B?F cannot make changes to his life like getting a 2nd job to pay off the maintenence faster so he CAN marry and have a family with you... making some sacrifices/living with inconcveniences for you ... then he isn't The One.
Your story is really
Your story is really inspiring and I hope your DH and SS appreciate what a special stepmum you are to have put in that committment to his parenting. To have made that kind of difference to a childs life is such an achievement and the fact that your nearly adult stepson enjoys spending time with you, and you with him, is really lovely.
Your success story has given
Your success story has given me inspiration. I would love to learn more about how you were able to instill your rules. How did you enforce the rules without their being a lot of animosity between your children and your step-child?
I often feel guilty that I do not have those LOVE feelings for my step-daughter, and I try to be kinder to myself. I remind myself that it takes time. My SD has trouble in social relationships. I want to help the situation not make it worse.
Like I said I am ready to work. Not make up excuses. ANy suggestions?
Thanks for all the comments,
Thanks for all the comments, they are really helpful. Think I need to take some time too think, and then try and talk to my b/f (although like most men, he hates talking about any too serious or emotional!).
His son is not too bad, especially after ready some other threads, it's just he has no personality and needs to be reminded about everything (from brushing his teeth, to doing his shoe laces up). Sometimes I just want to shake him and tell him to wake up!! B/F is good at disciplining, and I can now say things - I just try and go with the idea of 'what would I do if he was my child', although there are times when B/F doesn't back me up even though he says he will.
Well you are not alone with
Well you are not alone with the reminding problem - this is common with teenage boys. My SS13 is very clever indeed but completely hapless and rather lazy in a practical sense, I am having a go at DH at the moment to start getting tough with him about personal organisation and chores because it is tedious and irritating to have to keep reminding a perfectly capable child and he's getting too old for it. We plan to put his allowance in a jar on the fridge and start automatically making deductions if he doesn't do his jobs.
my DH hates to talk about
my DH hates to talk about anything serious too and especially anything to do with his darling kids. so i write him letters. this allows him to read it and think about it before talkign to me. when i first did this i found the letter crumpled up in the trash- i was really hurt, but the next day he talked to me about it and said his side of thing and things he didn't realize were going on.
yes, there are people out there that have it WAY worse, but if you're unhappy at home with your skids it can seem like even the stupidest things (dirty dishes, lack of hygiene) can be devistating because it's not how you want to live.
my DH is super tough at telling me what he'll do with his kids regarding behavior/ hygiene/ anything but the second they show up it's like DH has amnesia and forgets everything!
my biggest advise is it's not your child - have your own and have that child behave the way you invision because it'll be so much easier if it's your child. most bioparents are super defensive of us stepparents that try to make their children behave better because it seems that we are then picking on our SO's and their crappy parenting.
i have disengaged from my skids. they can do whatever they want and i have found peace in just sitting back and not doing a thing. DH takes over it all when they are with us. i have gotten too mad about things not being done and it was starting to negatively impact my relationship with DH. His kids having clean clothes or rinsing their dishes are not going to be my marriage breakers. they now have no clean clothes unless DH does it and DH will either wash their dishes, throw the dishes away, or we'll go out, either way - not my problem and i'm more relaxed for it. as soon as i see taillights i will immediately vaccuum and febreeze/lysol the hell out of the house. their remaining dirtyness in the house is either put in their rooms or thrown out depending on my mood.