Am I unwilling to love my SS

I though I was alone about my feelings toward my SS.I was feeling a little guilty that I did not love my stepson the way I love my bio-children. Let me give you guys a brief Background. So I met my hubby 10 years ago and he told me he had a son that was a few months old. I said o ok and I asked him a few questions about his son and his baby mama. So we were together for about 3.5 years before he asked me to marry him so we got married. Now the whole time we were dating he would go visit his son or bring his son to his apartment for the weekend. I only met his son maybe a handful of times in 3.5 years. Now when we got married he decided to get custody of his son. Because his mother was not doing what she needed to do to care for him and they made custody arrangement. Now I am caring for this little 4 year old boy on a full time basis.I couldn't stand it, it just completly change things around in my life. Now 6 years later I thought I would love him like my own but I don't. In those 6 years we had 2 children together a 4 year old boy and a 2 year old girl. I love those kids, they are my world and I would do anthing for them. Its sad that i can not say the same about my 10 year old stepson. He now at the age were he's playing both sides, example he comes home and complains about what his mom is doing or what her boyfriend is doing and vice versa with us. I am just so sick of it and I know hubby already talked to him about doing that. I am at the point where I am counting the years till he will be out of my house. There were times when I wanted to asked hubby to consider sending him back to his mothers house, but I know he will say no. What I am worried about is my stepson growing up and having issuses because he didn't feel loved growing up. I try my best to show love toward him, but at times I feel like I will never love him the way I love my own. Sometimes I wonder is it my stepson I don't want to deal with or is it his mother that irritates me and I'm just taking it out on him. You know its easy for someone to pass judgement on you and your situation when they never had to be in the same situation.People always trying to say "well you knew what you were getting into when you married him" my response to that is " no I didn't because you never know what God has planned for your life."

Count your blessings

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Honey - you've been had.

You barely met the kid in 3.5 years of dating, and as soon as the ink was dry on the marriage certificate he went for full custody of the child. Did YOU get a say in that? Does he parent the child? Or did he assume that by marrying you he had a built in mother for his child?

If the kid's bio mother was so horrible, why was he not getting full custody BEFORE you married?

I know it sucks that you don't have the feelings for the child. It happens. This is why many folks are on this site. Don't beat yourself up over it.

And for anyone that tells you "you knew what you were getting into..." tell 'em to stick it. Unless they have been a step parent they really do NOT understand.

Aside from the working both sides, is the child well behaved? Does he do as he's told? Try hard in school?

Yeah, you meet the kid less

Yeah, you meet the kid less than 8x in 3.5 yrs and then he becomes part of your family and you are expected to pick up and be his responsible mother? Sorry, doesn't work like that.

First, stop trying to love him. Accept the fact that you don't. No way do I love my s/sons like my own. My DH loves my kids like his own but that is his choice.

I 'love' my s/sons like my nephews. Nothing more or less. OK, sometimes less. But this s/son of yours is not your child. However as long as you are kind to him and treat him with respect you are really doing all you can and should do. If your DH had introduced this boy to you more he would have grown on you some more. But for whatever reason your DH chose not to let you have that 'bonding' time. And if you are expected to do all the laundry, cooking, homework etc then you need to back off a bit.

Seriously, you were set up to take over and create the 'family' your DH envisioned for himself.

Looks like you were a victim

Looks like you were a victim of the old bait and switch. Instead of being mad at yourself, you should be furious with your DH. Even if he doesn't admit it, he saw signs that the BM was a POS and had full custody in mind all along. He just didn't let you in on the plan. Him getting custody soon after you were married was no coincidence.

All you can do is your best, which you are already doing. If his son grows up with issues not feeling loved it will be BM and DH's fault. NOT YOURS. They made these decisions that involved you without consulting you. He will have no one to blame but them.

Thanks, I feel better knowing

Thanks, I feel better knowing that its ok to love my own children more than my SS. Ok let me try to explain a little more. So 3 months before we got married, hubby went to pick his son up for the weekend and kept him ever since. Yes he did talk to me about getting custody over him and I figured it was in his best interest to live with us considering that his mother couldn't take care of him or didn't want to take care of him.. So hubby tried to get full custody of him but the BM didn't allow for it and the judge was not trying to hear it either. So they got stuck with a custody agreement where she gets him on the weekend and we keep him all week and holidays rotate with even and odd years. Of course I couldn't be a part of the agreement because it was just between the two parents. Yes I would consider him to be a good child and he does try in school, he's not disrespectful toward me or anything. He's had his moments with stealing, and school disobeidence and lying. But at times I get the sense that he feels miserable living with us because he wants to be with his mother. I've heard him ask his dad what happened between him and his mother, and he asks his mother questions like "did I do something wrong for me not to be able to live with you." All of this back and forth is just too much!

You are not unwilling to love

You are not unwilling to love your ss, you are unable. It is humanly impossible to love some kid you just have thrown into your home with the same amount of love you have for children you carry in your womb & deliver. Or even with the same love as a child you spend months going through a process of adoption for. This inability to love is increased by the fact that the child will not love you unconditionally as your own bio or adopted child would. It's just not the same.

Don't beat yourself up. You wouldn't beat yourself up for not loving your nephew the same as you love your own kids. This is no different.

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