New here - Need some advice from seasoned step-parents!
There are a couple of issues I'd like to address, so I will try and keep this as unjumbled as possible.
I've only known my boyfriend for 9 months, and got pregnant shortly after we met. We get along really well and I can see us being together for a very, very long time. He has a son who is 8 years old. His name is Dexter. Dexter was born when boyfriend and biomom were young, 18 & 19. Boyfriend is a devoted father, and though I haven't observed her mothering skills, I'd say she was a devoted mother. Dexter is spoiled. He will interrupt, pout constantly when he doesn't get his way, and is very lazy - expecting everyone to do everything for him. I blame this on both of them. I know how boyfriend treats him, and assume biomom is doing the same, if not worse. At the same time, Dexter has a big heart, he's very loving and understanding. He has many good qualities and I do love him as I would my own child. But the things that are negative about him drive me nuts.
I addressed the issue subtly with my boyfriend, letting him know that threatening him with a consequence and never following through will not result in respect - ever. Also, saying yes to every request is not healthy either. Babying him every time he pouts only condones immature behavior. My boyfriend has realized how right I was, but since there is a custody battle between boyfriend and biomom, it seems his mindset is Dexter will not like him as much as his mom because he doesn't get what he wants. I was a good kid, and I wouldn't have been if my mom allowed this behavior. I have seen the results of parenting like this, and that scares me for my step-son. I truly want the best for him, but there is no structure. Dexter show me more respect than he does boyfriend because I give him boundaries with me, he knows I do not tolerate disrespect or pouting, especially from an 8 year old. Of course, I don't address this behavior in a mean way, like I said, I love him as I would my own. I talk to him in a respectful tone, and try to make him see his actions and the results. I know 8 year olds will throw their fits, just like any kid, but he does it constantly, and says things to make his dad feel guilty, because step-son knows it will get him attention. I just don't know what to do.. I guess I am looking for those who have been in the same situation that can offer kind words and support.
Another issue I have, and it could be an irrational fear, but I fear that my step-son will always be held at number one, and the baby on the way will be seen as second. It kills me, because I give more leeway to my step-son as I am not his mother, than I would my own son. There are things my boyfriend says and does that makes me feel this fear is a possibility. Of course, the further I get along the more my boyfriend mentions Felix (I am 30 weeks - 10 more to go! Felix is the name we chose for him). I'm excited that my baby will have an older brother, and I know my step-son will be a great brother even though he doesn't seem too interested in the idea right now. Anyone else been in this situation? Is my fear irrational?
Sorry for the long-winded post. I have been holding all this in for so long. It's a relief to get it written down.
I also only dated DH briefly
I also only dated DH briefly before becoming pregnant and then married. This was also my fear which is why I hoped for a DD so that she wouldn't be able to be compared to SS. Well, got a boy! He is the absolute love of my life but it is very clear (in my eyes) that SS will always come first. His custody comes first. His health comes first. His mother comes first. His sleep (boys share a room ages 4 and 1) comes first. Now, DH has gotten alot better and I do feel that he loves our DS very much but I think SS will always come first and I do fear that DS will see the difference in treatment and such. I mean, it will be different bc DS is and will be here every day and as of now SS is every other day and every other weekend, so I guess not all the same "rules" will apply. But unfortunately in my DH eyes, and I quote!, he is SS "savior"...The guilt of the first failed relationship resulting in SS sharing a home, etc greatly affects everything here. I hope it is different for you but I struggle with this often. Even tonight, I wanted to go on a walk...SS took an hour and a half to finish dinner so DS and I started without them. I call DH to see where they are and he took him the complete opposite direction of where we were for a seperate walk. I know he likes to spend time with SS alone bc he doesn't get it often but just the point that he completely avoided DS and me really irked me. I hope you have better luck than me
Yikes... I will say right
Yikes...
I will say right now, if I observe that behavior after Felix is born... I will first discuss the problem with my boyfriend. If things are not resolved, I will leave. Perhaps that time away will make him see and we could patch things up. If not, he will have to deal with visitation with both kids.
Right now our schedule is every Wednesday and every other weekend with SS. We are beginning the lengthy process of modifying custody here very soon.
Do you think things would be different if your hubby had sole custody, of course.. if we win custody there will still be visitation with biomom, but I also wonder if having the satisfaction of sole custody would make things better?
I'm terrified...
Thank you so much for sharing with me!
Well, I think I would be
Well, I think I would be absolutely miserable if I had to live with SS all the time (even though we would save ALOT in child support lol)! I think it would be slightly different if SS was here full time. I then would have more of a role in SS life and DH would probably just disappear into the background like he does when SS isn't here. Example- DH just dropped SS off at his mothers, came in the door and disappeared into the bedroom for the night. Does your DH have good ground for going for full custody? That sure is going to be a long (expensive) battle...oohh and BTW, I have left numerous times- DH didn't care bc he still had SS here. He never fought for us to stay like he fought BM to stay bc he wanted to be with his son. He will not fight for our DS like he did for SS...I gave up "leaving" as a scare tactic bc he really doesn't care
It would drive me crazy is SS
It would drive me crazy is SS was here full time... he is so spoiled, lazy, and has no respect. BUT - I know it would make my boyfriend happy. Of course his happiness is my priority as of now..
Well, as far as grounds go, here in Oklahoma custody is to be given to the parent who responsibly follows the visitation order as well as whatever else is court ordered regarding custody/visitation/ and the child. We have lots of proof that she is extremely apprehensive and oppositional when it comes to visitation.. and holidays are ALWAYS a fight.. always.
My boyfriend loathes BM, he left her when SS was only 7 months old, because she cheated on him.. so I'm lucky I don't have to worry about him thinking about 'if they had stayed together...'
DH and I weren't even a year
DH and I weren't even a year in to our relationship before BD5 was BORN (can you say SURPRISE!) and at the time SD was a horrible, wretched monster that he had full custody of (BM basically abandoned him and her, but later came back after she found out about me) and I shared the same fear you have. I was praying for a boy because I didn't want my BD growing up in the shadow of SD and being constantly compared to her. Well needless to say, when BD arrived that's exactly what happened. It really did seem that SD came first and I pushed and pushed for at least equality. It just didn't happen, and DH and I separated at the time. It was a nightmare raising two on my own (I also had BD13 who was 8 at the time) but I did it for nearly two years and DH and I reconciled. After SD went to live with BM, DH and I had a long talk about priorities and I told him that we (his family) HAD to come first and that SD was no longer his only focus. While she is an integral part of HIS life, she isn't in mine and my family is my focus. He's able to maintain a relationship with her on his terms and still focus on our family. That's the only way this was going to work. I'm sure if SD lived in our home I'd feel different about where she falls on the list of priorities but the fact of the matter is that she no longer lives in our home and therefore by default falls below our "family unit" on a day to day basis simply because of logistics. It's not a measurement as to how much DH cares for her, it's just the way that it is.
What I would do in your situation is explain to DH that you want the FAMILY to come first. That includes you, BS, and SS. You all need to be important to him and he needs to make sure he does what he can to help you feel that "importance" without expressing favoritism. It's much more difficult with SS living in your home, but I at least think that he can make sure and treat BS with as much care and concern as he shows for SS.
That what I imagined doing..
That what I imagined doing.. but then I also imagine him flipping the tables on me.. saying something along the lines of 'he's my son, he's my baby.. blah blah' and making me feel like the worst person in the world for feeling the way I do, and for having the audacity to mention that baby and I are not on the same level as SS. Shit, it doesn't even have to be me on the same level, but baby better be.
I can't help but thinking if we had SS full time, which would be a nightmare for me.. he's spoiled, lazy, always pouting to get attention, and has no respect.. but my boyfriend would be happy (which of course is my priority as of now until baby is born) and the inequality thing might be avoided.
I agree
I agree
Well in my.household....skids
Well in my.household....skids who live with their lesbian mother get cell phones paid for by their father whilst my kids who live with us have nothing