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Montego_Blue08's picture

Submitted by Montego_Blue08 on Thu, 08/01/2013 - 11:02am

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Blended Family Issues

Hello,

Just wanted to introduce myself and explain a little about my situation. I'm seeking advise, I am 28 years old a mother to a wonderful 8 year old boy and I am dating a man who is 44 with two children both boys ages 8 and 15. We have been dating for a year now and marriage has been our focus for the near future. I joined this forum because my family and friends have never been in this situation and are unable to give any real advise or sympathize with the challenges we are starting to face by merging our family's. My son is very easy going and has accepted this new situation easily but he has a hard time getting along with my boyfriends son (they are both Dirol my son is my only child and his father has never been involved. My boyfriend is an amazing parent, he is very devoted and loving to his children as well as mine. This is where we are having problems as I'm sure most of you already know. Both of his children are having issues with my boyfriend wanting to fill in that fatherly role that my son so needs. The younger one told my son "he is my dad not yours and he never will be" this crushed my son and things between them have not been the same. Even my boyfriend was very disturbed by this and I think he is having his own issues with loyalty. This happened about a month ago. Then this past two weeks my boyfriends son approached us and said he thought my boyfriend loved me more then him. This has created problems between my boyfriend and I.

I feel this horrible mix of feelings, I'm hurt but I'm trying to be understanding I feel guilty but angry this has all happened. I don't know how to handle things now what do I do when we are all together again over the weekend??

amber3902's picture

Submitted by amber3902 on Thu, 08/01/2013 - 11:21am

Your BF needs to set his sons straight. This whole "he loves you more than me" stuff needs to stop.

BF needs to let his sons know he is able to love more than one person. The same as he is able to love one brother just as much as the other one, he is able to have love for your son and you as well. And the love he has for you and your son does not diminish the love he has for his biosons.

Good luck!

fakemommy's picture

Submitted by fakemommy on Thu, 08/01/2013 - 1:56pm

Right. It is a family, not a competition. And BF's relationship with you is different than his relationship with his son which is different from his relationship with your son. No one relationship is more or better than another. BF's son should be told this. Love grows.
I do wonder if part of this is an age thing.... my skid is around your skid's age and is going through the same thing. Compares my DH's love for me and them and things like that. Man I HOPE it is an age thing!! Wouldn't that make it easier? lol

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Thu, 08/01/2013 - 5:56pm

***marking this day in my calendar***

HRNYC agrees with Echo...

It's not even cold in my office (hell), I am confused and happy all at the same time. Biggrin :? Biggrin :? Smile Wink

Montego_Blue08's picture

Submitted by Montego_Blue08 on Tue, 08/06/2013 - 11:35am

I think you guys all have some good points and I want to thank you all for your opinions. To clairify a few things we are not married. Since we are not married we do not live together. My child lives with me and his children live with each of there mothers primarily. His youngest we are hopeing we will want to live with us after we get married and his mom has indicated that would okay with her.. We are going to buy a new house and give each child their own room.This will solve two problems (hopefully) #1 we need the space and #2 we thought it may help if we have a clean start without anyone moving into another's existing home. Echo I agree with your point of view but what do you think when it comes to adoption of a step child? My boyfriend has talked about wanting to adopt my son. This is something we have discussed and I know there are some HUGE hurdles to overcome on both ends.

I know it's hard for our kids to do this and I have been there. My parents were together till I was 10 then my dad had a women and her children move in for about a year after. My sister and I were the cause of them breaking up. As an adult I see my dad as a 65 year old man who is alone and unhappy he told me he once that the woman was someone he truly loved always will.I feel really bad about that but I was just a child i didnt nor should i ever understand the concept of relationships. That's why I'm here on this board talking to you guys. I don't want any of our kids to feel the way I did...and now here I am. My boyfriend is the love if my life, he is my best friend I can't imagine ever loving anyone else.

And btw I do agree there are different types of love but I didn't understand it as a kid and neither will they...just something you learn growing up. Also I know I'm jumping all over the place but I've been reading alot about blending family's, is there any truth to the whole "it takes about 4-7 years for things to settle down" psychology?