How to get through to DH...
We agreed that once the kids came of age their relationship with their mother is between them and her, we would cease contact with her unless it's an emergency.
There was an emergency situaton and I was perfectly fine with contact with her.
There was a non emergency phone call today which DH took, and he's communicating with her by text, another bullcrap hair brained scheme of hers with the kids and vehicles and us having to shell out cash never to be seen again. I stated my objections and DH really, I mean really, went off into a tangent on me in public. I am not speaking to him yet, I do not know if I will make a move to speak with him or not quite yet, I am livid!
It's the disrespect I get when I raise objections and they compliant tone she gets that really bothers me, also he does not think I have the right to advise him to tell her to phukk the hell off out of our lives. God forgive me but the woman is poison, there has NEVER been a good outcome when she's involved in any transaction or conversation...I do not see that changing any time soon. Of course I feel insecure under those circumstances, I am not sure how I could get complacent and just shrug it off the way he says he does. He says she's got free rent in my head and I need therapy to get her out. I really do not give a damn what she does but when it impacts me then I am obliged to think about it more deeply...ulterior motive etc. given that she would not know the truth if she fell over it! DH still dances to her tune to keep the peace? There's perfect peace when she's nowhere in sight or earshot! It's when he lets her in that I have the issue. Does that make sense? He then goes on to tell me he will conceal conversations with her...now that really set me off!! I honestly do not know many women who would not feel insecure under those circumstances. Well folks, I look forward to your input and any helpful suggestions you might have for me.
SD chose to live with her mother after her incarceration and if SD wants her daddy's input on something then she can make the call herself...right?
I think one of the problems he has is a short term memory, he just doesn't seem to recall, or says he doesn't, the negative stuff...he's in denial! I know he's not all saintly and holier than though with forgiveness! His rant is fairly predictable and designed to subdue me,
I am ranting, I know, but I really do have to let him know that decisions he makes, that impact me directly, without consulting me are a big NO NO. I really do wish he would not just fly straight into denial and raise his voice to me with the same old justifications when the circumstances have changed greatly.
I am not going to just settle for amends this time around, DH is not big on apologizing but he really owes me an apology for breaking our agreement, justifying taking the call and humiliating me in public like that.
Maybe I skimped on the
Maybe I skimped on the details a little. I do not participate in her drama, years ago I set my own boundaries with her and she does not call me or e mail me at all but DH will not, despite agreeing with me that there's no need to take calls from her unless it's an emergency.
More than $1000 very recently went on hair brained schemes that she talked him into, he gave her priority over me every time. I was not even consulted before the financial arrangements were made. He is giving me a hard time, actually yelling and screaming at me, because I raised an objection to him falling victim, yet again, to her schemes.
What he does impacts me greatly, likewise what I do impacts him. We agreed that reasonable contact was necessary in an emergency situation. This was NOT an emergency, it was a ploy to get a vehicle, which I own incidentally, to SD. Last time it was a vehicle that DH paid for before they split, ten years ago, and she SOLD it to him, right after saying she was gifting it to the kids. He/we paid yet again for it! She said she'd get a vehicle for SS if DH handed over $400, DH handed over $500 without even informing me, let alone consulting me, and I found out when I checked the bank balance online. I had no intention of spending any money at that point, I am not what you'd call a 'shopper' yet had I needed that money for something in an emergency it would not have been there.
This woman has ripped off four men and left them penniless, DH included, and she has ruined her 5 children's credit rating (two of the kids are to DH) by taking on loans in their names using their social security numbers. Already SD and SS are worried that their mom is ripping them off. They are both of age now and need to understand that we'll help them but we are not going to take the consequences of their actions any more. BM needs to accept that she has no say in our lives, DH seems to be giving her an entirely different picture whereby she can call and get money from us?
I already laid my boundaries down with her, she never calls me. She keeps plaguing DH because he's not willing to set any boundaries. Life is really good when she's out of sight, mind and earshot and I truly do not care what happens with her life. DH says he doesn't care iether but taking her calls and falling in with her plans, and yelling and screaming abusively at me really doesn't add up to how a wife deserves to be treated, given second status over the EX? I do not participate in her drama, a long time ago I told her where she stood with me personally but when DH gets pulled into it then it does impact me and I seriously, very seriously, need it to stop.
I agree with you that DH will have to learn the hard way, make the same mistake once too often etc. He learned not to enable the kids the hard way, with help from a counsellor who pointed out his shortcomings. Meantime, though, I am not willing to be treat so badly while she gets what she wants. He invited her in by taking the call, knowing he was breaking our agreement and then has the audacity to tell me that I need therapy so that I do not give her free rent in my head? I guess I am still livid, it's really hard to let go of this crap time after time though. I get my head around it and it does fade into history in time, then DH pulls the same old stunts and I am obliged to deal with her, by proxy, yet again, against my will. I really do not know how to get through to him?
You need to learn to yell and
You need to learn to yell and scream back (even if it is in a soft quiet voice
) more than him.
He is taking the easy way out. You need to make it harder on him to piss you off than to piss her off.
He does not need to EVER EVER EVER speak to her again - much less give her money.
OMG - my DH would have his balls removed by me with a rusty knife if he did something like that and he knows it. He did not have any conversations with warthog even when their son was terminally ill. Why would it be necessary? He got the news just fine from others. There was no need for them to commiserate together and bond over old times. What could be more of an emergency than death?
I have not forbidden DH to talk to her - but he knows that there will be consequences if he does. If he wants ANY relationship with her - and I truly mean ANY - then my choice is to move on. I was single for years and years. I am not afraid to be alone. I am desireable and am financial stable. My motto is "next" if treated poorly.
FYI - she is not getting
FYI - she is not getting "free rent" in your head. Sounds like it is costing you hundreds and hundreds of dollars out of pocket in real money.
You need to set that fucker of a husband of yours straight. He needs a verbal "whipping".
@ giveitago: You REALLY need
@ giveitago:
You REALLY need to make a stand. You have no power in your marriage. There is no partnership there. If you don't take a stand, you are essentially telling your husband that everything he is doing is ok.
I really cannot relate because I would have left, period. Separate from him. I think you are definitely at that point. He must earn you back. If he is not willing to do that, leave him.
I hear you! I have equal
I hear you! I have equal rights and equity in this relationship. I am a formidable force usually but this is just too much. I am still awake past midnight and that's NOT good for me. He knows he's got it coming to him and he's lying low right now. 'I'm doing it for the sake of the kids' does not fly when they are of age.
I have another BM who is totally different and I get along with her, her and her family are all welcome in our house.
I am not even angry with the BM, she's doing what she always does, it's him I am angry with because he's playing into her games. As long as he lets her she'll continue and we are out of pocket and causes deep rifts between DH and I that I find increasingly difficult to get over. I put a stop to her manipulating me, I called her bluff when she threatened me too, it stopped for a while with DH too but until he says NO to her then she'll keep it up, right? I am going to suggest to him that he tell her that they really have nothing to discuss now that the kids are grown, it's the truth! If he continues do defend her then I am leaving, he's setting the tone for what he wants and I hope it makes him happy. I was single for 20+ years and raised my kids, to come to this crap? I do not think so! I will have to rely on my family and friends for a short period of time and I will miss life here and I will miss DH and the kids but I cannot put myself on anyone's alter as a sacrifice...I am just not that good or pious a person!
Good for you. You can just
Good for you. You can just calmly tell him that if he wants to put her first then you are now putting him last - as in gone.
Thanks everyone, it feels
Thanks everyone, it feels good to vent and get it off my chest, so to speak, and then calm down enough to discuss it without feeling angry. Simple question really, where do his priorities lie? SD and SS both have tongues in their heads and cell phones so if they need to talk to their dad then they can do so easily. She is out of the picture.
SD 18 once asked me what I thought of her mother and I told her that I will always respect the fact that she is her mother but she's not someone I'd choose as a friend. SD accepted that and it did not cause a rift between her and I.
I simply cannot get along with someone who is a sociopath, DH once asked me to 'get along' for the sake of the kids and I gritted my teeth and was polite to her until she threatened me...she wanted extra money on the child support and I refused to give it to her so she ranted and screamed and threatened me, demanded to know where DH was and I said I did not know, truthfully I did not since he could have been at a customer's or a supply house or in a meeting. I am not going to disturb him at work, he left the designated amount for her to collect. She tells me I could not find my ass with both hands in my pocket so I reiterate that there's no extras on the child support and she asks again for DH (soft touch see) and I tell her that he disappeared up my ass and I can find neither it nor him. She tried to buddy up with me and tell me about her soon to be ex husband, poor sod #4 who was soon to be penniless, and I told her it was really none of my business.
I can be ruthless but it doesn't sit well with me, I give people the benefit of the doubt and trust them until I feel that I cannot.