DH tells me that SS 18 and he talked and SS will take the TV upstairs after all, to his room! I'm like 'hold it!' This is the same TV that I asked SS to carry upstairs for me weeks ago and it's still sitting in the living room. I already asked a friend if she wanted it, actually it can sit there for me, for ever! It's not in my way! I'll put a cushion on it and use it as a footrest!
Worse yet, DH tells me he and SS talked about it last night, OK so I am out of that picture now? Even worse yet, SS moves everything out of what is MY STUDY (OK I am not using it currently...the bathroom stuff is in there until it's remodelled... but my stuff was all still in there) and puts it into the room I am clearing to decorate as a guest room. I went into my study to get some fabric to do some sewing and discovered what had happened. I am like 'YOU MOTHERPHUKKA!!!' DH knew this was going on too, he tells me 'they' moved it all the night before, while I was asleep. Who 'they' are I do not know. I am NOT having anyone else stay here.

I told DH that I am not happy about it, at all, and if he does not tell him something, or disabuse the boy of his entitlement issues then I WILL.
I am extremely aggravated right now, does it show?
SS moved out because he cannot live her any more, we smoke, our house is nasty and it's all my fault apparently.
Over a year ago there was an incident, SS decided our house was not good enough to invite his friends to and he took it upon himself to trash a whole lot of stuff. DH and I were watching a game upstairs, Sunday football, and I came down for a snack and saw that stuff was gone. I am like 'MOTHER PHUKKA!!!' Shortly after SS moves out and lives with his friends' family around the corner from us. DH asked him how he would feel if I went into his room and just trashed his stuff. SS said it would be a shitty thing to do. No apology, in fact no remorse or amends.
The TV is now outside on the kerb, with a 'free' sticker on it. DH's solution?! All that did, in my opinion, was to make it OK for SS to retrieve it! Am I being too negative here?
I care about what goes on in our house, it's infuriating that DH doesn't even ask what the boy was doing the night he moved the furniture? It did not occur to him that it was my stuff? I am LIVID! Now he's asking me what can he do about it? What can I do about it? Some bullshit 'justificatins' came out and I struck my lighter telling him I am burning off the gaslight! I know, facetious and not helpful of me but I am angry. He tells me he 'talks to the boy' but the disrespect continues. Then DH says that he's pleased the room is empty so he can work on a receptacle in there...I saw RED!
The boy moved back in a couple of months ago, into his older brother's room because the carpet in his old room has marks on it, not good enough for him, he wanted someone, anyone, to rent an industrial carpet cleaner for him. There are TWO carpet cleaners in the closet under the stairs however. His older brother kicked him out of his room so SS 18 was obliged to go into his old room. Rather than clean it he's going to move into another room in the house?
DH tells me SS cannot get a GED without going to school before age 19. Then the boy should go to school! He dropped out of high school in sophomore year, pulled the stunt with the stuff in the house and went to live with his friend. He does not have a job, consideres a day working with his dad enough to justify his keep. DH will not give him responsibilites around the house, he says 'chores' has too negative a connotation to it (where's my lighter gone this time?) The boy is skating on thin ice with everyone, even DH has been frustrated several times by SS's lack of consideration for anyone but himself. I did the 'maybe I am just pissed because I am having a bad day' consideration and I am still of the opinion that they boy is a self absorbed brat. The rooms are still in dissaray, he's out and about in his truck that we, correction...
DH consents to pay the insurance on, put a new radiator in and pay the gas for.
I am very aware that my ill feelings right now are compounded by a ton of bullshit that has not gone away, nor will it. I do forgive but I do not forget. I am frustrated by DH's 'keep the peace' attitude, if he wants to be the boy's doormat then that's fine but when it impacts me directly then I WILL speak to the boy, regardless of what DH says, thinks or feels. SOMEONE needs to give the boy a wake up call! Ordinarily I do not even think about what they are doing, as long as they are doing OK. I do not even mind giving a hand when they are not doing OK, just don't shit on me like that. No one likes my brand of honesty here, which is one of the reasons I disengaged when the SKids were younger. See how they turned out? I did try to warn DH, fell on deaf ears. I get that they are his kids. I was not on bad terms with them, I just did not want their bullshit...I still do not want it but it seems they are going to try and dish it out? I have to be all namby pamby about approaching an EIGHTEEN year old boy about what's acceptable and not in my own HOME? When DH asked me what I wanted him to do about it I told him that he needs to find a way, before I do it, of letting the boy know that disrespect will not be tolerated in this house...thus far DH has been totally ineffective. Older SS is not a problem, he's forced to live with us because of a disability since a car wreck and he's just up and about walking this last year. He has a future plan, he's not quite there with it yet but he's sounding the whole thing out thoroughly and it's a great business plan so far. His mom and her friend are actively encouraging him too. Younger SS seems to think that he belongs to our business, has a stake in it or somsething? DH works damned hard, I am right there side by side with DH. I do a half day's work in the house before we leave and the other half when we get back. I do not expect DH to help in the house because he has paperwork and stuff to do when we come in...he's still working. Ordinarily I do not mind the way things are, what I do mind, in fact I strongly object to, is that an upstart 18 year old comes in and thinks he can do what the hell he likes with MY personal stuff.
Oh, and if he moves out again because things are not going his way it will be all my fault, yet again. I can live with being blamed for that, water off a duck's back to me. What I really find difficult is that SS is still under the illusion that he can disrespect me and my home. I have given up on whether or not DH feels disrespected...seemingly he's OK with it. The bottom line is I am going to have to deal with this crap my own self, tell the boy something on the spot. DH is having no impact whatsoever, except that I am getting more aggravated with him. I'll keep him out of it!
I plan on asking SS what his ideas are for a room upstairs, once I calm down a bit. Incidentally my anger is evaporating slighty just at being able to get this out...I thank you all. Once I ascertain what his thoughts are then I'll tell him that he needs to move all the the stuff into which ever room is not going to be used. I need the room that is currently full to be emptied. I'll let him know that if he'd asked first chances are I would not have felt so upset. I might have even helped him if he'd given due consideration to his dad and I. I am going to strongly suggest that he asks first before he makes ANY changes. Five years ago DH wanted me to read 'I'm OK, you're OK' and he also made mention of 'Who moved my cheese'. I get the pop psychology that tries to control the masses within a workplace but this is my HOME, where I should be comfortable and my cheese needs to be respected. I am not concieted that I expect people to bow before me and do my bidding, I have self respect, I respect others and I am not willing to tolerate bullshit from a kid like that. It was my own self respect, along with some realizations after good counsel, that prompted my decision to disengage back then. The boy moved on, and on, taking advantage of everyone and this is a whole new set of circumstances now that he's back and a whole new set of negotiations. If DH wants to be trodden on that's up to him, I do NOT want to be disrespected that way in my own home.
I am not willing to be treat like a mushroom iether, kept in the dark and fed shit. This is my home, it's also jointly owned with DH.
I am going to be VERY unpopular here, VERY soon! The boy needs to contribute to the household somehow, DH has already said that SS needs to do what I ask of him, after a particularly rude response from him last time I asked for a ride to the store, DH said tell SS to ride you and use our car. I cannot drive our car because I am way too short, 5'2'' and the seat does not move and is set for someone 5' 11'' and above. I also have a broken toe but I can still get around so I walked, rather than explode...which meant an implode that is NOT good.
I still cannot fathom how much into denial some people can get, I get forgiving and moving on is a good thing to do but bombarded with bullshit, DH still being in denial and then going on to 'justify' the bullshit and put a 'cheerful' spin on it? It's too much! DH is in the wrong business, he needs to be a politician's spin doctor! That is so contrary to the expression I hear so often; 'it is what it is' soooooo if 'it is what it is' then why are you not accepting it and dealing with it effectively, instead of trying to put a 'spin' on it to justify it? (where's that lighter?) Surely a positive thing to do would be to establish some boundaries for the boy? Oh, and maintain those boundaries!
I get that we cannot control what others do. I am not personally responsible for what SS does, nor is DH now that the boy is 18. DH and I are both responsible for what happens in our own home though. I want to ask DH if he thinks it would be OK for him to just move back to his mom's house and rearrange the whole house for her? Without any prior consultations? I think NOT! It just would not fly! Other family members would make sure that DH knew he'd overstepped the line, in no uncertain terms.
Adult child moved out and moves back in again so the dynamic changes...right? New boundaries are in place, respect should be shown to parents who give a kid a hand up.
Side note, well, yet another side note maybe...not read or edited what I wrote...still just ranting.
Does anyone else think that this pyschobabble of using 'I' statements is helpful? For instance 'I' have to shift the focus from the wrongdoer, back to my own self because of my perception of what the person did is not good? In my book shifting a whole room full of stuff 'just because it's in the way', regardless of who it belongs to, is reason enough for me to feel justified in speaking out. What the reality is, in my opinion, is that the little motherphukka needs to learn that respect is a two way street. I am not willing to 'spare' his feelings, I am pissed because he DID what he did...I did not just 'percieve' a whole room full of stuff was moved without prior consent. It's not community property, it's not a communal area, it's bullshit is what it is and the boy needs to understand that he was wrong to do what he did. I can be 'matter of fact' without hostility but I cannot be namby pamby, bleeding heart, wishy washy and liberal about it. Bah! I think rant is over, I am not going to re read because I can feel my anger leaving me some and it would probably just flare back up again if I remind myself...am I in denial? The facts remain and I intend dealing effectively with the situation, for my own self, I am not going to ask DH to deal with it for me this time, or on any future occasions. You'd think I would have known better by now than to ask him to reprimand his cherubs, stupid me!