Some good news! DH stepped up to the plate again. SS 18 came back to stay here, well he sleeps here but spends his time elsewhere. Elder SS moved out and his room is in a separate part of the house, we are planning on using it while we refurbish the upstairs. Yesterday I heard the vacuum going, the room is one room removed from the kitchen (it used to be the old garage) and I asked DH why SS was vacuuming in that room. SS tells DH that his bedroom furniture is coming, a gift from a friend, and he was getting ready. DH tells SS that it's pointless vacuuming in there because we are going to be tearing up the floor and making more mess. SS is undeterred, DH lets it be. Today SS drives up with furniture in the bed of his truck and, as DH instructed me, I woke him up to 'help him carry it upstairs'. DH went outside, I do not know what transpired and I do not need to know, then SS drives off again. DH tells me I can release the dogs, they were up in a bedroom out of the way of moving stuff, since SS is not keeping the furniture! The boy is cutting off his own nose to spite his face because he's not getting his own way...there's a bed in his room and I am sorry if he does not want to use the furniture he got as a gift.
Next thing is SS is in and out carrying his laundry etc. out of the room downstairs and stomping about up and down stairs moving stuff back into the room he is using.
It occurred to me that I could furnish a guest room with that furniture but I'll let it be...there'll be other opportunities for me to do what I want to do.
It was always hard for me to trust DH to do what he said he'd do, with regard to the kids since he always caved in to them before. I am still a little anxious but I am putting more and more faith in him now as he follows through. Disengaging was the BEST thing I ever did to show him exactly what was going on.