Meeting with BM- meh
Well, we met. She put on a pleasant face, said a bunch of stuff and pretended like she's trying 110% to find a "solution" for this situation. Pretty much ignored the fact that the only one really causing any drama or problems is herself... I guess she's looking for a solution that SHE can accept... which means she probably won't find one cause what she'd really like is to replace her ex with a guy who loves her and wants to be married to her and have a family all together and that whole unrealistic dream that just didn't happen and can't be created now.
So, I guess it was still useful. At least i can understand what SO has to deal with and why everything seems so difficult. It's hard to get someone to accept something if they try to pretend it doesn't even exist or comprehend that they're doing anything wrong.
So, all i could do was try to make it obvious that i wasn't trying to "take over" and be a mom or parent to their child. No idea if that will make any difference at all. Eventually she's just going to have to accept the reality of the situation that they are divorced, that mom's don't "own" the kids, that they are just as much mom's as they are dad's, and that both parents have a role.
It's obvious she and he do not speak the same language. Pretty sure they need some kind of co-parent counselor to act as a go-between. Even if they aren't yelling at each other, it's like they are speaking a totally different language to each other.
Anyways, i've done my part. I met her, we talked, nothing more i need to do in this situation. It's up to him and her now to figure it out. Not my job to convince her of anything, or sort out the schedule, or boundaries or any of that. Feel pretty bad for SO, but it's his mess, so his job to clean up.
Plenty for me to worry about with my own schedule, and work and whatnot. *shrug*
- anyha's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
This is the mental place I
This is the mental place I found myself at yesterday. I do my part...the end. My SO has 3 boys, 5,6 and 7. They are emotionally inappropriate ( to the point where I was beginning to think that the 6 year old had Asberger's) the temper tantrums, the anger, screaming bloody murder and spewing hateful words, is getting worse with each passing week. Their BM has been saying some super creepy and inappropriate things herself ( if their BF didn't live with me then the kids could live with him and get a dog,just FYI I own a farm with 18 animals including 2 dogs, last week the 5 year old informed me that his mother was going to "shoot my dog with a gun and kill her" because BM "hates me", 6 year old wanted to know when I was having his BF's F@#K baby as I was placing bday cake in front of him in room full of people).
I absolutely ADORE my SO. We've been friends for years and he became my SO gradually while supporting and helping me go through a years worth of surgeries for kidney injury (kidney FINALLY removed last week) but a) I chose not to have my own kids, yes I'm on of THOSE career women b) I was brought up in a home with discipline and rules which SO has hard time with due to "divorced father guilt"
So angry, and tired, but i
So angry, and tired, but i can't sleep when there is so much on my mind and too much adrenaline.
It's been a few weeks since the talk. And i finally have an idea as to what came of it all. The answer is nothing positive whatsoever. (except for the fact that SO really appreciates that i tried)
She heard what she wanted to hear, she was extremely judgemental, she went into it with the idea of "evaluating" me, which is exactly what SO told her it was NOT about.
She's a control freak, and has made comments about the concept of her daughter feeling like she has 2 moms, so i try to relay the message that i don't want to take her daughter away from her or anything and she interprets it as the only reason i want the daughter around is so i can have more time with SO. And that i would never care about the daughter herself or love her. (didn't think i was allowed to!, not that i don't already care anyways so moot point)
Pretty lame idea, since anytime he's around his daughter his focus is entirely on her and i'm just tagging along. But, that makes her feel justified in trying to control her daughter not being around me.
And, now? Exactly what i said would happen is happening. He fought to try and have her for regular visitation time at his own place and with me around on occasion, and now the BM is saying that the daughter doesn't want me to be around. That she wants to visit dad's house, but only when i am away.
Obviously, as a small child she thinks this will make mom happy because mom has made it really clear that anything that has to do with me makes her unhappy. Reminds me of that movie stepmom, where the kids ask the BM if she wants them to hate the stepmom cause they will if she says so.
I tried to talk to her. I tried to give stories and examples of different situations with divorced people and how what they did was good, or not good for the children involved. I figured as a counselor she would get something out of that. Nope. She thought it was horrible that i told her stories, she read the story about the mom who is acting like a hostile agressive alienating parent, instead about a mom who is overprotective. (overprotective is pretty far from the truth for this particular mom... ) We only wish she was overprotective! cause that means there's some protective going on.
I told her about an ex, who found a lot of value by seeing a therapist to work though some issues. She is disgusted that i would talk about an ex. (we're friends, he is happy about the progress he's made, he would not be offended in any way that i mentioned his story)
Basically everything i said, she looked for any way to misunderstand. Decided that i was sarcastic the entire time..(not even sure how this is possible since i was really letting my walls down to try and be as sincere and open hearted as possible)
Nothing is a big surprise though. I was really hoping with a tiny sliver of hope that she would prove my initial instincts wrong. Well, she didn't. She proved that she is insincere, judgemental, selfish, and well.. a bitch.
And now the daughter is feeling like she isn't allowed to get to know me or like me because she knows it would make her mommy unhappy. So, i don't even get a chance to have a relationship with her before she is already turned against me. I just don't see how this is going to get better with time...
I love my SO, and i can't imagine to be with anyone else. I wrestle so much with the fact that i can't stand having his ex in my life and how much she can control because she has no conscience about using her child as a tool to get what she wants. I want a life with him, and maybe some day a family, but i don't see how this situation can ever be resolved. And i feel terrible for his daughter. No matter what happens she is going to have issues. It's as though because a selfish person full of all kinds of unresolved issues decided to have a child to give her life meaning.. this poor little soul is doomed.
This mom will do whatever she has to, to make herself feel better, all under the guise of doing what is best for her child. In the end, it's the child who will pay for it all.
If i left, the drama would be resolved temporarily, but it wouldn't really fix it and i would only be hurting myself and my SO as well. And i can't give up hope for happiness just because she is a bitch. (and no, i don't normally swear, or call people names... but for her i'll make this exception.)
I've tried so so hard to be understanding, and try to see things from her side, and put myself in her shoes, and worry about her feelings. She pretty much said that to her i am a complete stranger and she doesn't care at all how she treats me. She's such a hypocrit, getting mad at SO because he is not more understanding and helpful and loving towards strangers and in the next sentance says that i am a stranger and she doesn't give a damn for anything to do with me in this situation. (and after she pretended how she was empathizing with me and how she was trying to put herself in my shoes, of which she was totally wrong anyways but that's besides the point)
She's just a two faced lieing selfish bitch. End of story. Her manipulative manners just make me sick. The comments she makes to SO, about how she used to be so warm and loving to him but because he is asking for what is his basic rights as a parent... she's not going to be nice anymore, and remember how warm and loving she was! (guess that's why they divorced.. cause she's such a sweet person..)
I'd like so bad to call her out to her face. But i know it wouldn't do any good and would only cause more problems. Still, i wish i could give in sometimes to being irrational and selfish. I'd probably slap her a few times too just for good measure.
It is a tough fight for SO.
I'm sorry he has to go through this, and i doubt we have even hit the worst of it. And.. i hate being right. I told SO that his daughter would start displaying signs of reluctance to accept me if he allowed this situation to go on. That the BM would poison her to me and she would feel like she had to choose sides. Right now it's me, tomorrow it will be towards him. Already she is going out of her way to appease mommy. If she thinks that refusing to go visit daddy will make mommy happy, she'll start doing it. But, i guess that's in her best interest, right? Cause mommy knows best and is a perfect parent and doesn't even need dad around. She's doing him a favor letting him see his child afterall.