Deadbeat bio moms
Dead beat mothers aren’t talked about enough in comparison to fathers. As a new mom myself, I just can’t fathom the genetic & clearly biological absence of instinct to want to nuture, protect, love & care for your babies with everything you have.
My stepdaughters mom just doesn’t give a shit. She got out of rehab after 8 months telling SD how everything’s going to be different; she made all the progress.. and SD had her hopes up so high… but bio mom immediately found a new boyfriend the moment she got out & he has a child, so I guess she found a new family. She literally lives 5 minutes away and she’s seen my SD maybe 4 times in the last 5 months. I’m trying so hard to understand & come from a place of empathy when it comes to addiction, but how can grown adults be so clueless to how they are traumatizing their kids?!?!
Does anyone else have a step kid with an absent bio parent? How do you navigate & what do you tell them? She’s 14. I’ve never badmouthed her mother, but how do I explain this to a child without making her mother seem insane, but also making SD understand this is entirely NOT her fault and nothing to do with her?
for reference to her parenting "help" she's never paid for anything, no dental work, school supplies etc... the ONLY time bio mom has bought SD anything in the last 6 years, is when she took her behind DH back & got her bellybutton pierced without his consent (she was only 12 years old... playing with Barbie's)
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DH married and has a kid by this woman
Not saying much for him. She is crazy. And there nothing you can do about crazy, every couple of months she gets upset at her self for not doing enough fir her DD. So she get her a bellybutton piercing. Think this is showing SD love. No body else in there right mind will do a piercing on a 12 yo.
'like is said before. There is nothing you can do about crazy people you are stuck with her. Disengage from her.
'is she ok when she picks up SD. Can you call the police for a DWI check. This is a major thing that can back fire. If she oks DW told her ex if he ever show up. The police would be call for a DWI check. And since he starts drinking at 9 am. He would failed. So ex never showed up.
Tiger mom to deadbeat mom
Our BM was the original tiger mom, defending her kids, protecting them from the pollution of my presence, etc. Somehow that all changed with the kids being with us more and more to the point that if they weren't in school, they were here. After 4 years, all 3 moved in here full time.
From that moment, she never took them one weekend, or even one day.. SD called her often, probably complaining. I think the boys spoke to her occasionally. BM and her boyfriend later husband, Clueless, went to a lake every weekend. Despite heavy hints, she never took OSS who lived to fish. I think she called DH at work when she needed something or wanted to complain.
The kids, especially SD, pined for her. I never understood it.
The kids, especially SD,
yeah and let's not forget the skids who completely snub you (the one who provides additional resources so they can have more opportunities to thrive in life) on Mothers Day in favor of Breeder Worshipping....no matter how neglectful and abusive these c*nts are
I will never understand...
The kids, especially SD, pined for her. I never understood it – JRI wrote.
Me too!
Our wild and unpredictable BM shattered her marriage to DH in favor of a fleeting fling with some random guy she met at a bar. She leaped from her relationship, chasing excitement, only for that guy to vanish the moment her divorce was finalized. And somehow, despite all of this, the skids stood by her side, aligning themselves with her against DH. I’ve never been able to wrap my head around it.
DH bent over backward for these kids—he provided, supported, and did everything within his power to ensure they were cared for—and still, they chose Crazy BM over him. That, too, is a mystery I can’t seem to unravel.
BM was hardly the picture of a responsible parent. She rarely helped them with homework, didn’t cook proper meals, and often neglected essential things like medical or dental visits. Yet, somehow, in their eyes, she could do no wrong. Meanwhile, I was cast as the villain—the wicked stepmother who dared to do what she wouldn’t. I cooked the meals, helped with the homework, but none of that seemed to matter. I was just the outsider.
I get it, though. If you want to be the parent your kids side with, be the fun, carefree Disneyland Mom or Dad. What I can’t comprehend is whether these skids will ever realize the weight of their choices. Do they ever understand how hurtful their actions are, how cruel it is to side with the one who does the least and cast aside the one who actually shows up?
She leaped from her
I bet she felt dumb.
Really dumb to think affair partners would make good actual partners for many reasons. But regardless some people do it anyways .... sometimes with dismal results as your DH BM experienced.
The Disneyland dad I used to
The Disneyland dad I used to deal with had a semi-deadbeat ex wife
The itchB tried to play like she couldn't take care or nor be bother by her kids.
Made him do all the doctors appointments, pta meetings, carpool pickup/drop offs .... all she did was warehouse them after school until Disneydad would drop everything to give her respite from a job she half assed cared to do.
1-2 weekends a month she would randomly send them to our house early during her scheduled parenting times simply because she didn't want to deal with them.
Numerous times I told dude to report her smog a$$ to the family courts, CPS, family lawyers, etc but "Mr Bendover Backwards 4 Those Kids Sake and Keep the Peace with Manipulating Ex" would simply be like "Betty you tired of those kids? Ok we agreed to have them Friday at 6 but I'll take them now and make my live-in bang maid/free nanny take care of them"
Like didn't mind hassling me when I refused to enable their dysfunctional parenting but would never hassle her one bit for her deadbeat antics so she leveraged his "dump those kids off without any recourse" weakness and would use her kids to run our household/schedule/extra resources
itchB was toxic as hell, rude, angry at the drop of a dime, manipulative and just all around a bitter beastly breeder who I would never share DNA, a bed, nothing with if I were a dude.
Some of these dude be desperate af procreating with these nut jobs
If you ever date single dads just be aware not only of their and their kids behavior but also the ex too so you know what kind of resources need to be factored in.
For me - I don't have the resources to deal with deadbeat/batsh*t exes .... like go handle that then give me a call or take me off my job $75k minimum to be your Disney parent enabler/witness/sidekick
Shit parents come in both
Shit parents come in both flavors.
Keep in mind that providing a kid with facts, review the CO, etc, etc,etc.. is not badmouthing the their toxic parent. Facts are neither good nor are they bad. They are merely facts.
Make sure SD has the facs presented in an age appropriate manner and in a way that gives her the opportunity to defend herself from the manipulations of her toxic parent.
We landed on this model with my SS when he was fairly young. He would come home from SpermLand visitation loaded up with lies and manipulations from his SpermGrandHag. He would be upset and express his anger at his mom and I for "You take food away from my (three also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas)?" or "I have nice things. My (younger 1/2 sibs) don't have nice things because you make (them) pay child support!" or "Child support pays for us to buy houses, cars, and take vacations! That isn't fair!" etc.....
So, we reviewed the CO in detail with SS. His mom went CPA on the situation and reviewed the family finances spread sheets with him showing what it costs to provide for our family (housing, food, cars, insurance, clothing, etc, etc, etc...) and compared that to the $133/mo in CS that the SpermClan (the Spermidiot) was COd to pay and how it paid for shit for nothing.
Hmmmm? He started asking them questions when they would lie, manipulate, and PAS while he was in SpermLand for visitation. They lost their pea sized minds over SS having the facts.
As SS grew up and eventually aged out from under the CO, their manipulations did not stop. His engagement with the facts continued as he grew up and after he reached adulthood. He has been able to protect himself from their toxicity very effectively for a decade and half to the point that they make no effort to contact him because they know he won't pay them a Cent. The final straw was when they tried to guilt him into repaying them for 16+ years of CS. He shut that down in a hurry.
So, give the SKid the facts. If there is a CS order against BM, make sure she pays and if she isn't, drag her ass to court, put her in prison, and keep the penalties and interest growing on her arrearages.
SD seeing toxic deadbeat mommy getting her ass dragged into court and off to jail is a prime lesson that kids need when they are confronted with a shallow and polluted end of their gene pool. The same applies to deadbeat daddy. Though the system is far more focused on deadbeat daddies than dead beat mommies.
Grrrrr!
IMHO of course.
So, give the SKid the facts.
Disneyland dad I used to deal with did this and it was more than frustrating
He would shield them from knowing just how little she cared about them (I kind of get it but at the same time I agree with Rags giving them age appropriate facts).
ex one day this itchB agreed to pickup her daughter after an evening event at school if DisneyDad took her there, bought her clothes for the event, and helped her get ready - mind you he already pays child support and this is her parenting time....
Well 8pm rolls around and the kid is calling Disneydad asking "when am I going to be picked up?"
So instead of hassling tf out this deadbeat-ish heifer (like why you leaving the kid stranded at night?) he simply interrupts our Netflix n chill to go pick her up and says nothing to her about how her mother was supposed to do it nor does he say anything to her mom about how she agreed to pickup but neglected her daughter by leaving her at school late at night.
If my breeder would have done that to our daughter - I would have interrupted my Netflix and chill but I also would have had that fool arrested so fast his head would spin.
Disneyland dad was way more scared of rightfully confronting his deadbeat antic ex than I was of mine.
He would rather "overcompensate" for his ex (rationalizing that it's "for his kids sake") at the detriment of our relationship
True. Deadbeat moms is
True. Deadbeat moms is definitely a thing. Our bio mom did nothing. She was really lazy with the kids. Didn't take them to the dentist or appointments or out on any excursions. She barely worked so she had no income. Just a mooch who didn't parent her kids.
Same
He isn't even allowed to go outside over there. She's too fat to do anything other than sit around. He has food addiction issues & she pushes food (sweet's specifically) on him as well in order to buy his love. He is better off not being anywhere near her as he gets nothing positive and loads of anxiety with each interaction. It's awful!
How about the literal DEADbeat mother?
In my SO's case (who, granted, was desperate and had not had any serious relationships prior to her), the BM was literally a DEADbeat. She lied through her teeth about her disorders and conditions which were deadly. When she met my SO, she was already well past her survival date. She came from a proud welfare family, and while she got herself some education and a job, she ensured to never lose the mentality, except that she replaced the welfare system with my SO, whom she sponged off for the remaining few years, pushed out some kids that she only spent a few hours during the day playing with, while SO did all the night feeds, sleep training while she went to her own separate bedroom, because she couldn't be disturbed. My SO was also juggling a high flying corporate career at the same time.
Now he's left with two disordered kids, who inherited diluted versions on the BM's family disorders (mental and physical), and there's a good chance that they willl be deadly again in their children, if they pair up with the wrong partners. The BM said : "that's ok, they'll just have to do some genetic testing with their partner", Except that these kids have no impulse control and can't even plan their actions one minute ahead, constantly placing themselves at risk for laughs.
The kids, of course, have elevated the dead BM to sainthood status, while the SO is their enemy No.1. Even I have a higher status than he, and I am a very uninvolved stepmother, as far as they're concerned (not behind the scenes, of course).
How can you tell young teens/tweens that their mother was the epitome of selfishness? You can't, they won't understand. Even adults I've met in similar situations perceive this sort of criticism as you saying they shouldn't have been born and you wish they weren't alive.
Oh hell no. You call that bullshit immediately/publicly.
" Even adults I've met in similar situations perceive this sort of criticism as you saying they shouldn't have been born and you wish they weren't alive."
Suggested response: Okay, dumbasses, at no time did I say that. Nor did it ever enter my mind. Facts people. They are critical for you to effectively live your lives and for me to protect myself, my marriage, and my life from your naive self delusional manipulations. Grow TF up!
Well, I meant that I can’t start saying:
"Your mother deciding to have you on the deathbed was a proof of her extreme selfishness". It's not really my place to say it, at least not now. They're too young, so perhaps that's a conversation that could be had later. It's also something I only know because of my SO, and he told me in confidence, so I'm in a tricky position here.
I knew a woman through work who had a really awful genetic condition that would land her in the hospital on a regular basis, and she'd be touch and go for a while, then would go functioning just fine for a year or two. In addition, related to her condition, she had all sorts of random illnesses that weren't life threatening, but would require surgeries, hospitalisation etc. Her loving and kind partner would be beside himself with worry every time.
When they decided to have kids, the partner suggested early genetic testing, saying that if the embryo ends up with the same condition, he'd rather not have that child and try again, because he couldn't handle constantly having to worry about two people in his life suddenly dying. She took it really bad, and even interpreted it as him saying that she should have been aborted. That almost derailed their whole relationship. And there was no way I could get her to see his perspective, let alone that she was extremely lucky that anyone agreed to share their life with her, given the stress her condition brought.
I have a genetic auto immune
I have a genetic auto immune disease. Over time, I chose to not have kids because of that. Not that it was a concerted decision specifically. I have never had a huge drive to have kids of my own. I do not ascribe some mythical experience to what is fundimentally a basic biological function. Not that I do not like kids. I love kids. I enjoy them. However, I do not enjoy idiot parents. Sadly, idiot parents too often create kids I definately do not enjoy.
DW also did not want kids right away, though she did start to bring it up the longer we were married.
With my auto immune disease her her near fatal toxemia/pre-eclampsia with SS, I was not willing to jeopardize her health/life or saddle a baby with a lifetime of meds and challenges.
Her embracing her delusion that her SO was telling her she should have been aborted is just proof that she had no business breeding. Not only due to her condition, but due to her mental deficiency. Her SO never said that. Too bad he did not walk instead of caving to her stupid decision to risk her childrens health and lives over some F-ed up desire to procreate.
People who create offense over their own delusions then blaming it on others who have not said anything remotely similar to what the offended dipshits claim is being said, I have no use for.
I truly hope their kids are not victims of their parents's idiot choice and they do not have mommy's condition.
Anyone who would consciously do that to children or even risk doing that to children, nope.
Parents who have SN kids should be all in on being the best parents they can be for those kids and preparing those kids for their best life. However, consciously risking dooming a child to have a heinous genetic condition is so characterless and selfish that it is beyond cognition for me.
Yes, adults have a right to have children. That does not mean that there are not those who have no business having children for any number of reasons.
Honesty is the Winner
We have a similar situation with 10 yr old SS. My SO did not want any more kids & here we sit with full residential custody of a child BM so desperately wanted. Short summary-she never bonded with SS from day 1, never worked, married a felon, SS was a problem to her lifestyle post divorce & when she insisted the $1K/mo she was getting wasn’t enough she tried to take us to court for $1800/mo-the judge said nope-$400/mo. Weeks later she dumped SS (6 at the time) on our porch & moved 3 states away, never telling him she was moving. You can imagine how that wrecked him & as we have begun to unravel the damage she has done over the years, it continues. She moved back within 20 minutes 2 years ago & things haven’t improved for him in their relationship, only getting worse. He is in counseling and we are his support system but he has severe anxiety & major trust issues from BMs endless lies. She promises him things and doesn't deliver, recently it was school clothes. She bought him 1 t-shirt & he was crushed. He watches her spend money on other stuff (including video games he says) and he is aware she stopped paying CS months ago and works (because he asked certain questions we share info with him).
Our #1 stance with him (me especially) has always been honesty, even if it hurts. I will never protect her and will never make him wonder something we know the answer to and can prove to him. I always answer his questions. He has started reading the texts his BM sends to his dad so he can see the timing & the lies himself, they aren’t fed to him 2nd hand from us. He is easily understanding where he sits in her priorities. It’s sad but it is necessary. We talk a lot about family, sacrifices, the things we do for each other because it matters and how it makes us feel. Last week he said: it feels like my mom doesn’t really love me & she isn’t the mom I want. What a sad statement. In reality, these people are so broken & selfish they don’t know how to love correctly & the kids are merely a casualty in their mess of a life.