Am I a stepmom being played?
What do you guys think about the fact that I'm on maternity leave, we have a 9 month old baby and my partner still expects me to pay half of all the bills and rent (which I have been even though I have no income) ... even though our rent is thankfully cheap.
but here's the kicker, he has a 14 year old daughter (my SD) who we have full custody of, and he does not get child support from BM... when I asked him can she start supporting now that I'm on mat leave, he said he's not going to make her pay anything because moms don't pay child support.
so why am I taking care of our son 100% all the chores and paying half the bills? Is this fair? How should I bring this up to him that this is messed up without causing a fight?
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I think that bio mom should be paying child support if it's legally required. He should consult an attorney. He should also go for retroactive back pay for the support she should have been paying. Your household needs the funds. You are raising his child. Don't make it an option tell him he needs to do it for your family.
Ridiculous.. He'd rather defend his addict ex wife than you, -his partner that just gave birth?
Right?! It sucks because BM
Right?! It sucks because BM and I got along so well too... but I can no longer put up with her abandoning my SD like this, and not only taking advtanage of her for years
but how's she's taking advantage of my son and I... and partner is okay with it? They split up 13 years ago when SD was a baby, but I can't help but wonder if there's still feelings there because wtf?
Your SO sounds like a horse's
Your SO sounds like a horse's behind.... and I'm so sorry you found out after you already had a child with him.
he sounds a bit misogynistic.. "big man pay.. mother of baby doesn't"
That, is a load of crap.. if the mom doesn't pay to support her child.. why on earth did he think it was OK for YOU>>>> to pay to subsidize HIS child that you don't have any biological relationship for?
Now.. I would say this.
It's not ok if he expected you to pay fully half of all expenses.. including rent when he had a child in the home.. and you did not. Now... he has TWO children in the home.. you have only one. That means.. he STILL should be paying MORE than you..
I do think you should pay "some" rent.. unless you are providing other value to the household via saving from paying child care for both kids.. etc..
I do think that you should have considered finances like this prior to having your child.. because it would have allowed you to make a decision whether you wanted to be in this position..
So.. short answer... yes.. you should pay rent and bills.. but not half since he has more kids in the household than you.. it's not a huge difference now.. but it has been unfair for a while.
OP doesn't come right out and
OP doesn't come right out and say it, but if she has been home 9 months after giving birth it can usually be assumed she is providing value to the household by spending that time caring for the guy's infant child and also doing more of the chores. I doubt the guy is doing half the cooking, cleaning, and baby care.
I'm guessing based on his
I'm guessing based on his "moms don't pay support" comment that the gender roles in the home are probably weighted with the woman doing child and homemaking roles.. and he would do more things like repairs, lawn maintenance etc.. but maybe he does help with the baby or enjoys cooking and cleans a bathroom.. who knows.. lol.
Many women work and do childcare roles.. and many men also do work in and around the home. When people decide they want one person to be a SAHP.. clearly defining who is obligated to do what is important.. and I get the theoretical balance where someone might say.. yeah... I will earn the money but you will have to do childcare for my child (not just the bio).. because without you contributing.. I can't afford child care too. and it's up to both people to decide if their share is fair or not.
In this case.. it sounds like he asks/maybe needs.. her to still contribute while she has been at home. I don't know if she intends to continue to stay home.. or go back to work soon... If I were her... I would be going back to work because I think it's risky to rely on someone.
In the end.. the fairness of paying rent or not.. well.. she has to make that call.. I think it "can" be fair to still contribute financially.. but I think he should be shouldering much more due to him having two kids in the home.. her only one (the one child is split with him and her for obligation)
I do, life has changed
I do, life has changed drastically for me since birth but life hasn't changed at all for my partner... his bills are still the same, he still goes to soccer 3x a week, still goes out with his buddies sometimes, has all the freedom to go do fun things with his daughter while I'm caring for the baby/cleaning the house. I'm just frustrated and don't know what to do
I love being independent, I have never had anyone ever pay a bill for me in my life...
but just for the ONE year that I'm on mat leave and everything I've done for this family, is it selfish to not want to pay bills for a year :/ ?
Tell him to lose the macho
Tell him to lose the macho attitude. Women have been fighting for equal treatment forever and that includes paying bills! He is depriving his ex of an opportunity to actually take some responsibilities and he is depriving his child of a support source that is HERS not HIS to deny. Tell him to swallow his misplaced pride and be a proper parent.
If he won't go after her for CS, then he needs to start covering all expenses, bills, rent/morgage calculated on a 1/3 extra basis because of his daughter, dating back to her arrival in your home. He amso has to pay for any extras (clothes, haircuts, school supplies, etc° back to taht date too. You will start to pay 1/3 when, and only when, he has covered his debt in full.
It sounds like he only has a
It sounds like he only has a macho attitude for BM. He's perfectly happy to allow OP to take care of him and his teenage daughter by paying more than her share of the bills, even while on leave after giving birth and presumably providing most of the care for their joint baby. OP has the worst of both worlds in this case.
Totally. They split up 13
Totally. They split up 13 years ago when SD was a baby so I don't even get it. Are there still feelings there?
why protect someone that doesn't care about your child or put in any effort what so ever, just because that's the biological mother?
I had a very similar
I had a very similar situation (I worked 2 jobs and carried all the kids on my health insurance), but he didn't want to p!ss off the EX so wasnt' going to put her on CS. After multiple talks/arguments and nothing changed, I gave him an ultimatum. Either you put the ex on CS or we separate our incomes and pay our fair share. He put her on CS.
I know this would be hard in your sitatuation as you are currently not working. Are you and SO married? If not, throw in you will have him pay CS after all finances are split.
He can't have it both ways.
He can't have it both ways. If he believes that "moms don't pay child support", why are YOU, a mom, paying anything? He's the man, he can support you and his children.
I would be beyond pissed, and hurt, that he is willing to let BM slide, yet, make you pay. And, if you are paying half of everything, you are paying to help support HIS daughter.
He truly is an ass.
I felt my blood pressure
I felt my blood pressure skyrocket as I read this. "What we permit we promote." Stop paying half. Put firm boundaries in place. Better late than never.
I agree. Just stop doing it.
I agree. Just stop doing it.
tell him either she pays
tell him either she pays child support or he will probably end up paying it to you.
DH is a PRICK
His behavior shows he has a soft spot for BM, but not for you. At least monetarily.
He is taking advantage of you so the the advantage goes to an ex wife.. id stop your half payment immediately.
Just being blunt kind lady.
Blessings
Im in Camp GuysAJerk
There is a double standard here - YOU the current partner and mother of his child, is paying half of everything when you are on maternity leave caring for BOTH his children and yet the BM doesnt pay anything because she is BM?
As we like to say here "that doesnt pass the smell test".
Push this, hes being a jerk and no its not fair.
Am I a stepmom being played?
if you have to ask this question ...... you already know the answer
So his ex gets better treatment then you ?
First of all bills should be divided by 4. Four people. He should pay. Himself, SD, and your bio or 75 % of the month expenses. You pay 25 %. Then you make an exit plan. This will not get better. What is he going to do ? Throw you out and pay CS.. and SS. It's cheaper to keep you.
To put a finer point on it..
To put a finer point on it.. there are two adults.. and the costs of the home should be divided by four people.. two adults and two children.
The husband is responsible for 1 share for himself. .1 share for SD and one half of a share for his baby. OP is responsible for one share and 1/2 share for the baby.
Now we could quibble that kids/babies don't cost as much for the household..but it sounds like
it's more like 2/3 DH 1/3 OP
Agreed with Harry
it's time to even the table by having him provide majority of the household expenses - which leaves zero wiggle room to allow for non cs mandated BM money grabs
BM gets a break
And you pay for BM not paying. This is a loving husband? Exit plan. This relationship is going no where. Let's see how he likes a second failed marriage and CS,
Yep, you are being played.
Yep, you are being played. Stop tolerating it.
And no, do not pay a Cent for household bills. He has taken advantage you to sow his seed yet again, support he and his failed family spawn, and augment his X's life style with his bullshit "mom's don't pay CS" crap. Why does his X the get out of breeder jail card and you have to work to support their failed family progeny?
Put that right back in his face. If he is so stupic as to play this wave of bullshit, go all in on pointing out that he has his head up his own ass.
Moms raise the kids, real men support the household so if you do not force your X to pay CS on your failed family spawn, I will not be contributing anything to supporting your failed family spawn, your X, you, our child, or this household.
Man up buttercup!