Finally a spring break Vacay . !
So my sister asked me today if I would want to drive with her to Florida on spring break! She booked a Airbnb already ( she is paying for it all) but her husband and MIL can't go because they just found out some family news which they will be traveling that same week. So my Sister asked if me, DH and our kiddos want to come because there will be just enough room for us plus my niece . Also my sister doesn't want to make that 9 hour drive alone with my Niece so I told her yes of course we will plan to come ! Well in comes the down fall. The weekend of March 9th - March 11th is suppose to be DH weekend to have SD14 ( as some of you know SD14 has not been over in months) we plan to leave for Florida early Sunday morning .... so you could see how this would be an issue of of course SD14 plans to come that weekend but also I do not want her to get wind we are going on a family vacation because A) she is not invited and 
my sister paid for the place and there's just enough space in the house for us plus my sister and her niece , not to mention car space ( it's 6 of us In just one car) . I'm not sure how DH is gonna handle this but I let him know that my sister is paying for the house in which she only invited US. I can see SD or BM using this as guilt tho. I'm really gonna try to put it out of my mind but if I know SD and BM they will ruin and have ruined any plans we try to make .
- JustanotherSM17's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Daddykins can stay home and
Daddykins can stay home and have a special weekend with his darling poopsie.
Well we want to leave Sunday
Well we want to leave Sunday and that when she goes back home is Sunday. I know that BM likes to get rid of SD for the holidays but also I don't wanna just assume SD can come on a trip my sister is majority funding .
This is a tough one. She has
This is a tough one. She has every right to come to your house on her time- AND- you have every right to make plans because your life does not stop because of her.
Say nothing and if she comes- dad stays home. She doesn't come- you get a family trip including dad.
I wouldn't say a word though because if she knows you're trying to do something fun I guarantee she shows up just to mess with your plans.
Yea who knows maybe she will
Yea who knows maybe she will just keep up not coming... I'm gonna really keep tight lips on this
"SOrry BM and SD, I have
"SOrry BM and SD, I have plans that week. See you during summer visitation."
Or, DH can stay home with his failed family progeny and you can enjoy your trip with your sister and niece.
I would make it perfectly clear that the March visitation will not happen. DH is the NCP, he can decline any visitation he chooses to decline and BM has to keep and care for SD-14. If BM chooses to not be at home while SD-14 is in BM's home, that is on BM. Though a 14yo is more than old enough to be home alone for a moderate period of time.
Teen Skids who play games with the NCP's COd visitation time, get no consideration. IMHO. So, do not consider her at all in this trip. Shut her March visit down hard. Right now. If BM and SD lose their minds over that, BONUS!!!
Make it a learning moment for both of them with the lesson that they do not control shit for anything in life you and DH share and if they play games, they can win stupid prizes.
Agreed with the others. Let
Agreed with the others. Let your husband stay home with his daughter while you and your kiddo/your sister and her kiddo have fun in AirBNB
The thing about it is , SD
The thing about it is , SD goes home Sunday usually in the mid morning ( she likes to leave early ) she never stays for spring break ever. BM usually leaves her with BM mom. We were planning to leave Sunday morning . I guess we will see and I'm sure you guys will be hearing about it lol
None of her business knowing
None of her business knowing where you're going/what you're doing. Leave before she wakes up and your husband doesn't owe her any more than a simple "she went to Target/Walmart/grocery store/gas station" which is what most people do anyways before they travel
If your DH understands the assignment he could fly in (one way) after his daughter goes back to her moms house on Sun then ride/drive back with y'all upon return.
Totally agree
Totally agree
The only potential SNAFU in
The only potential SNAFU in your plans is that if you're going to leave Sunday morning, you'll have to have everything packed and ready to go. If SD comes, she is going to notice.
Either stage everything in a part of the house she never goes OR come up with a story about how only you and the kids are going - not dad.
For my part, if SD shows up, having daddykins promise her a special breakfast somewhere and then drop her off at BMs. This allows you time to do the final packing without SD seeing and puts your husband in control of when to drop her off. It's the proper inducement to get her up and going early on Sunday.
Your SO has a hard choice to
Your SO has a hard choice to make here. I don't agree that minor children should be excluded from family vacations.. and your household seems to have a lot of vacations where SD just is too inconvenient to be included. It's a circular thing.. she isn't welcome.. so she feels excluded.. so she doesn't feel part of the familly.. so she doesn't come.. so she isn't considered family.. so she is excluded.. etc.. etc.. and your SO allows this dynamic to perpetuate.. because she never fit in the little box she needed too.. where there was never much about her.. or the space for her.. and her dad never managed to make time for her..
The correct choice is for him to stay home with his daughter.
Another choice is to delay the drive until after her visitation is over.. or plan now to include her..
I know this isn't your vacation to include or exclude her on. it's your sister's.. so.. DH should probably take his older child and you can join your sister with the other kids..
But.. sneaking out of town in the dead of night so she doesn't know? yeah.. she will know.. and will be hurt.. and it will be just another example of her being excluded.. which she will be hurt by.. and her dad lets that happen.
I agree with all of this.
I agree with all of this. Either be direct and make arrangements for her to go with you, go home a day early and make sure she knows the vacation was planned and paid for by your sister, or DH stays behind with her.
Sneaking out of town or trying to keep it a secret from her will only serve to further alienate this child. I understand that she's played a part in her own alienation, but continually being treated as an inconvenience or an afterthought certainly doesn't do anything to encourage her to try to integrate as part of the family.
The only problem with telling
The only problem with telling anyone in the other household is the risk of shenanigans. It wouldn't be beyond them to try to screw up plans.
They don't have a good track
They don't have a good track record so yes they totally would
This is the SD that hardly
This is the SD that hardly ever even shows up for her visitation, though. If i'm reading right, SD's weekend ends mid-morning Sunday. The vacation starts early morning Sunday, so there are maybe a few hours of overlap. Is it fair to DH to have to stay home when there is a good chance he will be alone anyway? If the vacation is during the week when SD isn't scheduled to be with them, doesn't it make more sense to plan for SD's weekend and then leave for the vacation a few hours later than planned, when SD goes home? If SD doesn't show, they leave early as planned. Having DH stay home for a whole vacation with his family who does live with him (i'm assuming the younger kids are OP's with DH) in order to spend a few hours with a SD who likely won't show seems like punishment for DH (although one could argue that he deserves it for letting SD dictate visitation and not handling his BM better.) He will be home alone the whole week whether SD shows or not.
ETA unless i'm not understanding the times and dates correctly.
@Rumplestiltskin . YES this
@Rumplestiltskin . YES this is the SD14 who has NOT been over for her weekend in many many months . And I also agree that I don't think DH should miss out on vacation with our children just to wait a few hours but it's up to him. My sister has decided it may just be better to leave on Monday morning (5am ish) avoid traffic on a Sunday . This would work out better I think
That sounds good. DH gets his
That sounds good. DH gets his weekend with SD, or ag least a chance to have it if she comes, and you all get your vacation. It sucks for DH that he let it get to this point with SD. He should have insisted on taking his visitation all along.
Yup I know, I kept telling
Yup I know, I kept telling him to make sure SD was coming on her scheduled weekend but SD would refuse and he didn't want to force her . But this is what happens
SD... is this you ? Yet again
@ESMOD
SD... is this you ? Yet again you are WRONG. A lot of family vacations?!?!? lol when? Boy I wish. The last family vacation we went on was before my four-year-old daughter was born. Also if you don't agree that minor children should be excluded from family vacations, you should have a chat with MIL and SIL . They have gone on many family vacations and excluded all DH and I minor children and ONLY took SD. Also we have done all wE could to make her feel welcome but and somE point the rejection has become too much for me. SHE is the one that constantly declines her visit weekend, SHE is the one that excludes herself from family time, family photos and family parties. Sometimes I think she purposely excludes herself to gain sympathy and be "sad" . So I'm not really sure where you are basing you information on but it's backwards . Also I won't be sneaking out anywhere , I will gladly walk out there with her there and let Her know my sister has paid for this trip so its on DH to decide what he is gonna do. We are thinking of driving on Monday morning anyways to avoid traffic and as far as I know, DH visitation ends Sunday evening . Solved
Nope.. I'm not your
Nope.. I'm not your stepdaughter.. but I am one of the SM's that think it's wrong to exclude minor kids from family vacations.. especially what might be considered.. "bigger ticket" vacations.
I could be wrong.. since you created a new profile.. I might have you confused with another poster.. but I think that your SO is the one that does photography work on the side and is often absent.. or tries to have his daughter go with him to "work" on the weekends he would have her. I also recall that there were a lot of issues surrounding space and her bringing things over at one time.. kind of marking territory and it frustrated you because you had kids of your own that you wanted that space for and her stuff was "in the way".. I think there was at least one camping trip where there was talk about how she could not go because the car wouldn't hold everyone.. and your SO would have to drive separate.. or go get her the day after you left. wait a day or something..
I also recall that your house has 3 other kids.. that are fairly young.. a couple are toddler age I believe..
I think that probably over time.. there are many factors that figure into why she has stopped coming.. and doesn't feel part of the household and maybe somewhat discarded by her dad.
1. your home is small and filled with very young kids.. that is an atmosphere that not all teens are going to enjoy... some teen girls love little kids.. I did not.. It would be a crowded and chaotic environment that I personally would avoid. I know you love your littles.. but you have to understand as a teen girl.. one who may have some underlying jealousy towards her younger siblings.. that your place may not be her most fun place ever.
2. If I'm right about her dad's weekend work... it sounds like he has been absent.. or at the very least preoccupied when she visits.. she comes to see him.. and he is somewhat unavailable.. even when she has made the effort to come over. So she puts up a bit of a wall.. because.. if he doesn't care.. she won't either.
3. She probably feels your cold shoulder.. I'm sure you haven't been thrilled when you were saddled with her when her dad would go out.. you probably resent her wanting exclusive time with her dad.. and also resent her mom..
4. Which comes to her mom.. and mom's house.. that is the girl's primary home.. that's the parent that butters her bread.. so she aligns with her.. I'm sure mom is a bit happy to have "won" over dad in how much her daughter loves her.. and I'm sure mom is not above making things about the girl to make it more attractive to stay.
5. And.. finally.. I'm not a Stepkid.. but I have done my share of travel.. I have spent years traveling every weekend to see my husband.. you know what? Moving back and forth.. out of a suitcase it's stressful and exhausting.. I'm sure she much prefers the sanctity of her "own room" at mom's and as a teen.. who values privacy.. that's where she probably is more likely to want to hang.. also.. I'm guessing her social network is maybe aligned more near mom's? and maybe mom also is more willing to coordinate travel to friend's houses etc..?
But.. in the end.. there is still the little girl in here.. that makes the choice to not come.. (for all those reasons).. but also is sad because her dad doesn't seem to care.
Again.. If I have totally mixed you up with someone else.. I'm sorry.. a few people have changed their profiles.. and it's not always easy to follow it all.
I guess the bottom line.. is that no one wants to feel left out.. and I think that dynamic has been in the works.. and she feels left out already.. and doing things like "big" vacations without her are proof that her insecurity with her dad is not just in her mind.
Again WRONG. SD was invited
Again WRONG. SD was invited on trips ( the few we have scheduled) and she refused to come. The only trip she did come on was over 4 years ago in which she complained the whole time. She was invited to the camping trip ( it was a tight squeeze) but she did not want to come with us. Also I'm not sure what my house has to do with going on vacation? And big ticket vacations, yes I agree however , my kids ( 3 that DH and I share) were LEFT OUT OF BIG TICKET vacations while SD was the only one invited . This including out of the country vacations and 2 vacation trips to Florida so if anything it's MY kids who have been left out . Also yes DH USE to work photography but over the past couple of months he has been home and available for SD to come and spend her weekend with him AGAIN she has refused for a couple of months now. There was only one time when he had something scheduled but SD did not know about it and refused to come anyways . Also "her dad doesn't seem to care " again wrong . He does care but at some point he HAS TO DRAW the line or should he continue to beg for SD to come only for her to refuse ? He still asks her to come on her weekends, he still text her daily he still calls her even if she doesn't answer so please tell me how that shows he does not care ? I guess maybe he should drive the 3 hours and camp outside her house ? Yes I really don't care if she feels my cold should after all the lying, drama, and false accusations she has caused my home . I have ever right to feel however I feel about BM but I made it clear to SD that those feelings do not run into my feelings for SD . SD has done her own damage sadly and she is following BM lead. So to the point of this post . If SD decides to come on her weekend cool beans . But her visitation ends on Sunday , we are leaving Monday so that should not interfere with her time with her dad
You go with your sister,
Take your kids. There a spot for DH in the car. It's his choice to.
A. Go tell SD to stay at home.
B. SD comes DH stats at home with SD,
C. DH makes arrangements to get FL. With SD. and pays for it. He makes arrangements to stay someplace with SD. I,E. Pays for it. Rents a car for him and SD to go places.
Your sister is paying for you and kids. Not SD of your DH .
Yup. OR SD comes , her
Yup. OR SD comes , her weekend visit is over Sunday and we leave Monday. Or SD may just stick to not coming like she has been doing for the past months. DH
doesnt really need to tell SD anything since it's non of her business. This is between me and my sister
You go with your sister,
Take your kids. There a spot for DH in the car. It's his choice to.
A. Go tell SD to stay at home.
B. SD comes DH stats at home with SD,
C. DH makes arrangements to get FL. With SD. and pays for it. He makes arrangements to stay someplace with SD. I,E. Pays for it. Rents a car for him and SD to go places.
Your sister is paying for you and kids. Not SD of your DH .
or DH can make arrangements to get to FL By himself after SD Leave.n
Don't give SD control , don't let her majesty everyone else change there plans for sd
I agree with these options...
I agree with these options... I think he needs to be honest with his kid that he is either going to leave her and go on vacation.. or figure out how she can go... or stay with her.. pretty simple options.. none require sneaking around.. and yes.. Sister invited OP.. and OP needs to ensure that Sister knows how many she is willing to accomodate. I mean.. maybe she would want SD to come (how old is neice).. and was asking thinking she would be getting a buddy for her daughter.. but I understand OP doesn't want SD with her.
I feel you on this issue, my
I feel you on this issue, my DH was all about telling Spawn anything and everything we would do when she wasn’t with us. One time my mom had a work meeting in FL and took me and my two kids and we went to Disneyworld, DH didn’t even go. Spawn did not live with us at that time and DH only saw her EOW. Spawn never had to know we had gone, but my DH has a big mouth and of course told her. She then went crying to her Meth Mother and that was used against him in court ad nauseum for years to come. Every time Meth Mouth would bring it up in a court document, I would remind my DH this is why it's okay to keep some things from his Spawn.
Omg that is horrible! My SD
Omg that is horrible! My SD does this too, DH had to learned to stop telling her things that don't really involve her because she would run and tell BM, sometimes she would straight up lie. One time she told BM we left her home alone ( when she was younger) so that DH and I could get coffee together . When in reality she was just upset DH was trying to have a adult Convo with me In our room.
My suggestion is that DH
My suggestion is that DH accepts that he'll be staying home with his daughter and that he tells her that he wanted to spend some special time with her and that he plans something nice for her -i don't know what she'd like but a movie then a restaurant is maybe a start.
Under NO Circumsrances
Should a SM travel with a PASed, entitied mini wife!!!! You WILL regret it as you and your DS will be turned into maid and butler while your H has a mini honeymoon with his miniwife.
Say NOTHING to H, BM or SD. Then proceed to have relaxing getaway with your kids. Pack COVERTLY (hide suitcases etc). Do not tell DS if you think he will blab!
If SD shows up then H can spend "daddy daughter" time. If she doesn't, consider not taking H anyway.
Whatever you do, do NOT TELEGRAPH YOUR PLANS!!!!!! You have been warned!
I agree. I did it once, do
I agree. I did it once, do not recommend. I was in the condo babysitting and cooking for the 4 younger kids while SO watched miniwife build sand castles on the beach. SO had to rent a bigger vehicle after he added miniwife to the guest list at the last minute without telling me. I had to follow in my own car with my kid. Miniwife bounced around the table taking selfies with Daddy in every restaurant, came to dinner undressed to the point that Daddy had to take his shirt off and physically put it on her, took my phone charger and i never saw it again, and took almost all my kid's antidepressants. Miniwife was either 24 or 25 at the time. Why the hell would i waste money and vacation time to travel with THAT? Or why would i stop traveling just because i can't stand to travel with that?
I will say.. to be fair..
I will say.. to be fair.. traveling with a minor child is a different animal than an adult woman. After 18.. it's more reasonable to not include them.. but 14? that's still a "child".. and yeah.. at her age.. the same activities won't have the same lure.. maybe the niece would be close to her age.. but there also might be some expectation that dad would carve out some time to do something the older girl would enjoy.. it doesn't ALL have to revolve around her.. but it's ok to let the older girl chill at the house while the youngers do something "kiddie" style too..
the problem here is that it isn't OP's house to offer really.. and there may be a legit limit.. in that case.. it may be a tough choice for dad to make.
I do agree that this father
I do agree that this father should make the effort to spend time with his daughter. But, idk if a vacation with SM's sister is the place to *start*. I'm pretty sure this poster is different from the one whose husband does photography. That one's username started with "Ash..." Unless she changed it. But, the same principle applies. If dad hasn't made the effort to ensure he takes his visitation for months at a time, why should the time to start involve the stepmom's vacation with her sister and kids? That's the opposite of disengagement, since the dad is taking no initiative and it's all planned by the SM. If he is available for his scheduled weekend with SD, then they leave for the vacation after visitation is over, everybody wins.
yeah.. a lot of people
yeah.. a lot of people changed their names in the last year.. so it's tougher to keep up.. and the earlier history is important to factor in obviously.
I agree that sister's vacation isn't technically the one to invite plus one's.. but does her sister know she has a stepchild.. and was that even in the realm of discussion they had about the trip at all?
ultimately.. yeah.. her SO is the one that needs to either stand his ground for his child.. or accept and admit that he won't.. it's not OP's fight to make him do that..
@ESMOD . The discussion came
@ESMOD . The discussion came up between My sister and myself, DH was not even around. We had lunch together last weekend and she asked me if I would want to go on vacation with her since her husband and MiL had a last minute emergency. She said the house she booked would have enough rooms for us ( my DD1 would sleep in a pack in play , DD4 sleeps with us and they house has a bunk bed and 1 twin) she also said that now her son ( my nephew who is 18) has said he wanted to come, there won't even be room for him but he might sleep where my niece was gonna sleep and my niece would have to sleep with her .
Yea it the same person. DH
Yea it the same person. DH has been home more for the past months and we have done more things together as a family on the weekends. DH never stopped ask for SD on his weekends to have her but SD would refuse, I mean life goes on right ? He would even tell her the things we had planned ( seeing Christmas lights, reptile expos, camping, pool time, parties ) she was would still refuse . I think if SD comes on her weekend to visit DH thats good but she weekend ends Sunday . We are leaving Monday so I don't really see how it would affect SD
Why do people think that just
Why do people think that just because girls are the same age they should automatically be BFFs? Um no this does not apply when you have one girl who has major self entitlement complex and one that is the opposite, they do not get along . We have made the mistake in assuming this before and SD of course made it about herself and sat on the side clinging to DH "sad" ( of course this was to get attention) because she felt left out because my niece would not make everything about her. Because my BS12 and My niece are more closer in age and of course get along better my SD14 always has a bad time with them even though they do make the effort to get SD to play with them. So no this would not be the case of letting the girls have fun
I'm sure most people have had
I'm sure most people have had experiences where adults assume that.. I have.. and know lots of people. no way of knowing if your sister even considered that.
But.. if there is sparse room in the place.. maybe it might work better if fewer people went anyway.. do you think your sister regrets asking now that her son wants to come?
No , my nephew is very back
No , my nephew is very back and forth on what he wants to do but we just talked yesterday and she is very excited about the trip. Also this just may work itself out because we checked the schedule and SD had a tournament that Saturday out of town so she will be gone anyways
Adults often forget these
Adults often forget these lessons from their own chidhoods. Just because people are the same age, does not make them compatible.
A story or two comes to mind.... Surprise!!!
When I was in my early teens we were visiting my GPs. They owned a small "farm". Very good friends of my parents visited us at my GP's for a week before the two families went on an extended road trip tour of several National Parks.
When we would visit my GPs we spent a ton of time out adventuring all over their property. We would drive granddad's old beater truck around the propery go shooting .22s bouncing little red balls all over fields, dewberry picking, and basically running amok. When the friends arrived of course both sets of parentts expected their two boys and my brother and I to immediately bond and run amok together. Which was not a problem. Their eldes and I are the same age, and their youngest and my brother are close in age. So, off we went. After we sprayed down with insect repellent. Chiggers were an ever present pest on the GPs place.
So, out we went. Within a very short time we walked through spider silk from the baby spiders starting their wind surfing to distribute. Their eldes lost his ever loving mind. He started screaming and took off running screaching "CHIGGERS!!!!" at the top of his lungs back to the house. Adults started boiling out of the house. I had to calm everyone down. He would not leave the house for the rest of the visit, and barely left the vehicles on the National Park trip over the next few weeks.
Parental expectation was that since he would not leave the house, I would hang out with him in the house. Nope, I was out and about constantly. He would pathetically sit in the window with tears flowing down his cheeks watching while the rest of us were running amok.
The rest of us did get a few chigger bites that itched beyond measure, but... we were having a great time. As long as we wore jeans and kept insect repellent on, the chiggers were not too bad.
The funny thing is, that "kid" has built his own house on several occassions. No outdoor issues anymore.
Another example is my university BFF's niece. We used to go on a major camping trip over Thanks Giving every year. Occassionallly my brother and his family would join us. One year that my brother's family joined us was a disaster. My kid and my niece and nephews were not the problem. BFF's niece was. She had an extreme case of "Look at meeeeee!" and very bossy. It got to where our kids would just roll their eyes and ignore her which was a major irritant to the center of attention kid. She labeled the other 3 as brats and would dance, sing at the top her lungs, doing every thing she could to make sure everyone did nothing but look at her. She would not hike or climb. She wanted everyone's eyeballs locked on her all of the time.
I finally got to where when we stopped to go hiking, etc... I would put her in the back of my pickup truck with a cooler of drinks and snacks, a beach chair and an umbrella and tell her to sit down, shut up, and not move and that we would be back when we were done hiking. She would yell for everyone to come back. Thankfully the hikes were long enough that we were out of earshot for most of the hose adventures. We would return, she would be sound asleep under the umbrella having screamed and cried herself into a coma.
The next day, she would pull the same shit. So... lather.... rinse.... repeat. My BFF's wife would threaten to leave. Fine. Enjoy tearing your camp down, packing, and the 10hr drive back home. We are going 4x4ing, hiking, swimming at the abandoned ranch today if you decide to change your mind. Buh-bye.
Every year after that, the queestion was "Is your brother and his family coming this year?". Oddly, when it was just my kid and BFF's niece, she was quiet as could be. I think the major issue was my niece who has always been an extremely beautiful athletic confident person. Even as a younger child. THe BFF's niece, did not like my niece one bit. My niece had no use for the attention seeker.
I think this dynamic is at it's highest evolution in Skid situations.
OP
Do you think your husband is capable of keeping his mouth shut about this?
Yes because it's not really
Yes because it's not really his thing to share. He is not planning it, and my sister is paying for the rental. In my opinion it's not his place to share something he has not planned nor paid for . Now if he was the one planning and and paying for it then yes of course she should tell and include SD .
Yes I learned the hard way
Yes I learned the hard way when this happened on one trip we took with SD14, DD and DS. It was basically a lil vacay for DH and SD and then me and the littles were just on the side , it was horrible !
You don’t want SD
Screwing up your and your sisters vacation. Your sister is paying for the vacation, she has the right not have other people screw thing up because they can. SD is going to find out. That DH problems.
Yea i don't see DH telling
Yea i don't see DH telling her because we looked at the schedule and she has a tournament that weekend anyways out of town . No need in telling her about something she will not even be around for. DH doesn't even know all the details . This is between my sister and myself .