Confrontation at the drop off
My stomach is so upset by the stress caused by both SD and BM! My god is has been horrible ! Between the outburst yesterday from SD15 getting upset because we won't put DD5 on the top and allow her to sleep in the bottom bunk I am just done! Today took the cake and today DH said that's enough! We went to MiL house for her birthday party . BM was already texting DH early for a pick up time . He told BM that we may be done around and he would try to meet at 5pm but everyone was having a good time that it got later then we thought so he texted BM and told her that we would be running late because we were leaving MIL house later then we thought and we needed to go to our house and get SDs stuff . The mistake was that DH gave her a time and she holds it to him, doesn't matter the countless times BM has made DH wait. So she was already complaining about that and SD was complaining to DH most likely because BM was upset and texting SD . So on thre way to our house to get SDs stuff She was already complaining to DH on why we would be late to meet BM and she would not stop! DH explained that it was his moms birthday and since SD and BM DIDNT have any plans , he didn't see what the rush was and he is not living in their schedule . SD 15 would not stop and DH said " SD , I am your father and you need to listen to me and if I say that's it then that it" SD responded " well maybe I won't come over then" and DH said well it's your choice but when you are here you have to listen to me and follow the rules so if you done wanna come then don't. In which SD replied " ok well don't beg me to come over !" I tried sooooo hard to not respond ! Beg??!??!! Like the nerve of this brat omg . And she was still talking back and DH lost it and told her to Shut the F up, but he didn't yell it, it was just a response because he was annoyed . Finally she stopped but I guess she was texting BM about it because when we dropped her off BM got off the car and started to argue with DH and asked him why he told SD to shut the F up. When he told BM why he said that said got really upset and told him that she would take him to court ! lol literally over what ???? Him telling SD that ? He has never ever laid a hand on SD or even came close to it. You guys know how gentle he parents her but of course BM couldn't have anyone put their foot done to SD15. DH didn't say anything and got in the car. Then BM was texting DH how he should be grateful she raised an "amazing human being" and again how DH just needs to be present in SD life . lol so she means basically for DH to just put up with both their crap!!!! And she went to say that SD has told her how DH "speaks to her " and how DH puts her life in danger with his road rage LOL! Omg like this can't be real! And then she said how DH said willing sign away his rights and if he does not she will take him to court and how they both are done with him! I'm like thank you for doing us the damn favor and what does she expect the court to do?!? This is not the first time SD has lied to people about us! She once told BM parents that we forced her to watch out kids so no SD is not welcome in our home
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I'd take her at her word
She says she's not coming over? Good. 15 years old, the armpit of youth for girls.
If I were you guys, I'd limit contact with both to email or text and don't initiate the contact. Is she on a weekend visitation? Or 50/50? In other words, are you paying CS?
Both BM and SD have
Both BM and SD have threatened to not coming over ( well BM threatened to with home SD) before . But when BM needs a sitter she will forget all the horrible things she said to DH and say " are we meeting this weekend " DH will usually ask SD "are you coming this weekend " but he never ever begs! But this time DH said he will not and he will limit contact , BM is blocked but SD will remain on a " contact me if you want" basis . He gets her EOW and he pays monthly support. But they really act like we will be crying if SD doesn't come . Actually it will be a blessing to get our peace back . DH is concerned about the lies SD will try to tell tho but he knows there's no truth to them
So true!
15 years old, the armpit of youth for girls.
Not if parents raise them with enforced standards of behavior
Not if parents raise them with enforced standards of behavior and performance.
IMHO of course
Though I have never raised one myself.
sometimes fathers have to
sometimes fathers have to learn to drop the rope and not continuously fight over the child. BMs like this get their power by the struggle they set up in this situation. Dropping the rope gives everyone some peace and lets BM and SD feel like they've won, even though they haven't. But most importantly, the rope is not pulling on the child from two directions anymore.
And this age is horrible for both boys and girls, particularly those who have been aligned with one parent against another as so many in this group have been.
Agree. Ages 13-16 are hard
Agree. Ages 13-16 are hard even in the best of circumstances. Throw in a PASing BM and it's hell on earth.
Yup and I think DH has
Yup and I think DH has finally dropped that rope but he will never sign his rights away like BM keeps asking . I don't even know why she keeps insisting on it .
Che k up on this for your
Che k up on this for your state but ... it's my understanding that you cannot sign your rights away unless there is someone who wants to step in and,adopt your child. Also, she doesn't have a leg to stand on if she thinks she can have DH stripped of his rights. She's delusional.
Right but that won't stop her
Right but that won't stop her from lying . I'll check our states guidelines
I am sorry you are going
I am sorry you are going through this, I totally understand and have been there. Although BM didn't yell at DH in person she often coldly and passive aggressively told him the same things.
And OSDthen13 had a FIT one evening, just over DH putting his foot down about something he totally disagreed with (he was absolutely right), she would not drop it, and she threatened DH one last time with, "I don't want to come here anymore!" And he said, "That's fine, go."
Maybe not the best thing, as she didn't come back. But we also figured out she had ALREADY transported most of her things to BMs a bit at a time, so she was already planning something. And blamed DH. Because he was their scapegoat.
Give them what they want.
Give them what they want.
Yup DH did exactly that, but
Yup DH did exactly that, but I just hope that BM is bluffing about the court thing
Only communicate through text
Only communicate through text or email so that there's a record.
Coming up next
I wouldn't be terribly surprised if BM calls CPS on you guys for saying the F word to Precious royalty SD. That usually is the next step they call CPS to further accelerate the PAS. PASout is well underway.
Oh SD15 is "amazing" alright. But not in the sense BM thinks it is.
Omg that is my fear, we have
Omg that is my fear, we have other children so if this happens she can really really turn our house upside down
Don't even worry
CPS will not do a single thing because DH swore at SD. They have seen it all, and show me a parent who has not sworn at a kid, or at least thought it...
That's about the age that my
That's about the age that my SD stopped coming over for her visitations. Teenage girl and a bitch of a BM, is a bad combination and there is no winning. You coudln't pay me enough to do those years over, again.
My DH and SD were very close at one time, and SD was normally a well behaved kid. BM was intent on sabotaging their relationship and she did a pretty good job.
My SD is now 33 and realizes what a selfish, manipulating, bullying, unhappy woman her mother is but there is no getting those years back and the father/daughter relationship will never be the same.
What I don't get with these types of BMS, is what is the end game? What is the benefit of insuring that their kids have a crappy reltionship with their father?
It is sad when a parent puts
It is sad when a parent puts their own vendetta against their ex and new spouse over the benefit of their child having two loving bio parents.
I mean, SD does have some valid reason to be resentful of her situation at dad's... there are not a whole lot of teen girls that would be overjoyed with sharing a home with 3 tiny kids.. and being forced to share with a 5yo. Yes, I get that dad is probably in the best house he can afford, but there are few teen girls (especially) that would want to tolerate the set up at dad's house.. and it likely feels to her as if she is pushed out and replaced by the "new kids".. dad has a "new family" and it doesn't include her.
And.. yes, I totally get she refuses to come.. and that narrative is highly supported by her mother.. so there is almost no winning.. the girl probably does have a right to feel the way she does and to not want to come to be in tight quarters with little kids where she doesn't feel very important.... but her father also has to be fair and try to be good to all his kids.. and is probably just doing the best that he can... and all he can do is try to continue to keep lines of communication open with his daughter while holding boundaries in place that are necessary to keep the peace in his own home.
Using profanity was not right, obviously, but I get he was just at his wits end with her incessent whining... so he was trying to convey some weight. In the future, he probably needs to try to keep his cool a bit more.. even in the face of frustrations like that.
It may be that overnight visits with her are just not something that will be in the cards unless he really wants to fight for it.. and it doesn't seem that he wants to do that... he has allowed her to skip at will.. reversing that trend is likely going to be impossible.
What I would suggest is that he try to keep communications open with her in ways that she uses.. cell phone app.. whatsapp, text.. snapchat... whatever her app of preference is.. he needs to try to send out a contact to her daily.. a question about her day.. just telling her he loves her and is thinking about her.. I'm not talking about him spending hours in this way.. just a message every day.. that isn't necessarily making demands she come over.. but just showing interest in her/her life.. whether she comes or not.
As far as any visits that do happen in the home.. obv.. there is littlle he can do about the room situation.. and no, the 5 yo doesn't take the top bunk. If it truly is just a few days a year.. perhaps letting the 5 yo bunk with another sibling isn't too disruptive.. but I wouldn't be up for SD displacing all her posessions for three days a year haha.
I think ideally, he should try to see SD on his own.. outside the home.. once or twice a month.. he takes a day to spend with her.. yes, I get there are other kids.. but they would have him the other 28 days or so.. so it's not unfair to see him taking a couple days to devote towards his other child.. yeah.. ideally she would blend into the current family dynamic... but there are too many cards stacked against that..
In the end, perhaps she will realize as an adult that it's not as easy as she thinks it should be as a self absorbed teen. Just like my OSD is realizing that it wasn't that easy to stay with someone abhorrent "for the kids" and is now going to struggle on her own lower salary. As a teen and young adult, she held a lot of resentment over her situation and at her parents.. only now, do I think it is dawning on her that her parents did the best they could.. and tried to love her through it all.. as imperfect as we all are.
"You coudln't pay me enough
"You coudln't pay me enough to do those years over, again." I feel this in my soul.
In our case BM was too lazy and entitled to bother with exercising her custodial time. She sent SD's to us to babysit all the while sh*t talking us. It was the worst combination. We would be so lucky to have had Step-Diablas stay at BM's. They were sent to our home 2-4 weekdays and EVERY weekend and holiday by BM. She needed her "alone time."
SD wrote DH a long long
SD wrote DH a long long letter basically about how horrible we are and how DH is stuck with me because we have 3 kids together and how negatively it affects her . And praising what a good person she is and why can't I do more for her like provide things here at the house for her!!!!!!!! Why is that even my place ??? I have gone out and bought her shampoos and stuff but then she never comes! She expects these things to be here for her. It was completely and utter BS!!!! I can't even believe it, I am so upset I feel sick like throwing up!
You are right, and you,
You are right, and you, yourself, should absolutely ignore that letter. Of course, you will never respond to it. It's picking the little things apart and there's no mollifying her. OSD complained to DH once about how it felt like (SMs) house, and why couldn't HE be calling ALL the shots. And HER of course. With me, in the end, having no say. DH told me that, even if we could pretend it was all him, EFF NO. I laughed, really. She's a kid! She doesn't get to tell us how things work in our home.
Your DH should meet with her outside the home only at this point. And ask her hard questions. He cannot get into a back and forth with her, answering nitpicky questions that you both know the answer to will never solve the issue. Stick to big ones and to your boundaries: These are the dates in the CO you are to be with me (DH). If you refuse to come, I will not track you down and beg. If you do come, you are to follow our behavior expecations in our home. If you need something, or a ride somewhere, you must ask politely and reasonably - and if I have (DH) questions, you will answer them forthrightly. And I I (DH) say no, that's the end of it; reminder of expectations.
Likely she will not agree, then it's on her. And again, I agree so much with others here, write it all down. Do as much in emails or texts that can be saved as possible. Keep your tempers in line with her (I agree the F word was needed, but with your SD you need to to keep it in check) and refuse to argue. Use your phone to record her rants if you need as well, with DH responding reasonably, etc., etc. They are going to war with your household but that's a two way street. You can't have war with the other side waiving a white flag (symbolically).
Yes SD whole text was crap!
Yes SD whole text was crap! It just solidifies her jealous of my and the children DH and I share. She even brought up some incident from years and years ago when one time she ate one of my protein cookies while I was pregnant and I told DH if SD could ask before she ate it and SD said that I got mad and how everything in the pantry should be for everyone and how she likes cookies to and blah blah ! I was like omg! She said that she is afraid of upsetting me which is why she keeps to herself lol I have never ever said one mean thing to SD, I have only treated her with kind ness. I even had a talk with her and told her that if she ever needed anything she can ask me , I am very open and understanding. Just ugh
You have
a little brat on your hands here.
I would consider you/your DH
I would consider you/your DH (on speaker together) call MIL and SIL ASAP... or schedule a sit down meeting with the both of them... face to face... so they clearly hear what you have to say.
I would inform them of the boundary with BM and kindly ask that they support you by not going around DH to talk with BM. They can talk to SD all they want- but kindly ask that they not communicate to BM due to the toxic nature of the relationship. I would explain in simple terms what happend so as to thwart BM and SD's ability to split and manipulate DH's own family against you.
Who are they supporting- BM or DH? Because they can't support DH if they're supporting BM at the same time... I would explain SD is no longer having regular visitations at your house (her choice) and that DH and SD will coordinate visits outside of the home (and no- not at their homes) and that you kindly ask that they not involve themselves as it is none of their business.
** and if they say they're
** and if they say they're supporting SD- then you tell them the only way to do that is THROUGH DH (not around him) buy support his lead. Enough with the games.
This is the next step for
This is the next step for sure
This will never end well
You can see it. SD is delusional, BF must provide for her , not you, you are not her mother. You must put her in her place a 15 yo. Not a rent paying adult. Besides two adult women can't live together. It's a control thing. Who controls the home ?
Second DH and his ex should be texting no phone calls. Texts should be saved.
'you will have a Witten record of BM crazyness with changing times days, And if CPS is called. SD will actually be ban from your home. You don't want her affecting your other kids. DH can see her at McDonald for a happy meal.
Yes you are exactly right ,
Yes you are exactly right , she wants to control my home and her long text to DH was basically saying there where no issues until I came into the picture , funny BM says the same . So yes that tells me all I needed to know . I became a threat just for being in DH life and having other children . SD indicated in her text that I some how " trapped" by having more Children and now he is stuck with me! This is also something that BM has told DH but yea DH never talks to BM over the phone so we have all the text saved
I sort of feel like BM sent
I sort of feel like BM sent SD on this visit for the purpose of causing this type of drama. She doesn't visit for what, almost a year, then suddenly she decodes to come. Something tells me BM has been "priming" her with things to be upset about and timing it for right before she sends her. Then when SD does get upset, BM pounces.
Yes it was like that really
Yes it was like that really really strange. Even DH was like what is up with her, why is she acting like this
People learn from pain. BM and SD need to learn.
Lock them in a box of very tight boundaries, they comply to the letter of the CO or SD sees mommy getting her ass bared in court with never ending contempt motions.
Lather, rinse, repeat until they either learn some manners or the CO expires and BM and SD can rot in the cesspool of theri shallow and polluted gene pool as failed adults together.
Get on with living your best lives in spite of them.
Yea DH replied to her text
Yea DH replied to her text novel addressing everything she said and basically holding her accountable for her lying and for her creating all this drama. He also told her that she will not be welcome back at our house because he will Not jeopardize our peace and she basically just blamed him again for everything. Taking zero accountability for her lying ! Like is she that delusional to think she had not part in creating all this drama??! She is the one who texted BM telling her that DH was mean and lying about putting her life in danger! She just said how he can do better and more of how crappy he is and how she basically wants to be heard and singled out .
god lord just go away SD !!!!DH told her he would not reply after that anymore to her . She still carried on
I’m really glad
he's standing up for himself. And I hope he doesn't slip back into coaxing her to see him. That just feeds the monster.
So many skids of all ages become bullies because they know people are trying to please them and so let them get away with murder. They love that feeling of power.
And if this power gets taken away, that's when all hell breaks loose. I saw this with my husband's adult daughter. When he finally called her on her behavior she was completely livid and was basically out to destroy him. She was scary. But her father really was responsible for this after a lifetime of giving her attention when she sulked, which happened long before I came into the picture, even extending back to her childhood. She's a classic bully.
Yeah, DH met up with OSD one
Yeah, DH met up with OSD one time after a period of no contact. It was a sh*t show. She told him he "never tries contacting her" and he then SHOWED her the list of emails and texts he had been sending and she just changed the subject rather than acknowledging she ignored him. OSD does no wrong, and neither does "the best mom in the world, she's just amazing" BM.
I sort of feel like BM sent
I sort of feel like BM sent SD on this visit for the purpose of causing this type of drama.
This is exactly what happened in my situation. Obviously, SD went along with it and played her part but I know that BM was behind it.
So, BM got what she wanted, to destroy SD's relationship with her father. But in the end, she has also caused problems with her own relationship with SD, as SD now knows that her mother is batshit crazy and that she causes damage to everyone that she comes into contact with.
Unfortunately, SD's life is less than ideal because of BM's parenting but at some point, SD could have made different choices. It just sucks for the fathers who get hurt and have to sit back and watch what's happening with their kids, without being able to do anything about it.
Ah yes
15yr old girls. Guess when Demon got her nickname? If you guessed when she was 15, you would be correct. Technically a few months before she turned 15, but perhaps she was an early bloomer. They are just the absolute worst. If you aren't up-to-speed on Demon15, she has always been a decent kid and I counted myself lucky to have her as a skid as I know the horror stories of so many others, and then it happened to me. Almost overnight she turned on us, refused to come here, hated DH and I, called DH by his first name...we had to get cameras in all of our common areas in case Crazy made her come here and she made false claims. It paid off when he she was being extremely disrespectful to DH's face and she called the cops on him and tried to say he "almost hit her"...he was yelling at her and yes he swore at her multiple times, the cops saw it on the tapes we showed them. DH did not get in trouble. She also turned on me and then it was, DH cares about me more than her, we don't buy food for her, we don't do anything right. It went on and on. When she said that she prayed that DH would have gotten arrested, he was ready to give Crazy full custody, but then Crazy said she didn't want full custody either and DH saw a glimmer of hope from Demon and that's all he needed, so he backed off giving up custody, much to my chagrin, because I could NOT handle this kid being around. We were miserable for months when she was in the house. It was extremely awkward, neither DH or I wanted to be around her. She was entitled, bratty, and everything else you can think of. I'm not exactly sure why he wanted custody, she didn't even want to be at our house, except that he felt it was better for her to be at our house than on a sure path to no college, bad grades, and working at a factory if she stayed with Crazy FT (her mom is a loser and allows any bad behavior).
I will say that Demon is almost...not a demon now. And this is less than a year later. She has done a complete 180 and is actually somewhat pleasant to be around. I was going to post a blog about it sometime, but I also am leery about the staying power as she has waffled a bit in the past. She gets along with us both now and reaches out to both of us to chat. She actually has issues with Crazy. She is working hard on getting good grades, applying for college classes as a high school student, and hoping to graduate early so she can start college after her Jr. year. Maybe there is hope for you also....