Hello all!

A few weeks ago I requested advice from everyone about having a meeting with my SD23 who had been a total bi**h for the last year. As everyone was so forthcoming with advice i wanted to give you all an uodate. After much thought and discussion with DH I had the meeting. I did this becasue DH was at the end of his tether with her and wanted me to make a last ditch effort. I did this, having already decided that i was 'done' with her.

We met at a lcoal coffee shop and the propsed 20 minute meeting turned into 2 hours plus! She was initially fine and then wanted to know what she had done wrong. She apparently had 'no clue' and wanted to know what i thought was the problem. I spoke very frankly - this to a member of a family that are dysfunctional, lie constantly and are toxic - so it didnt go down well!!!! She made an apology and then when i explained that the way she treats me demonstrates no respect or value - she said that that is becasue she doesnt repsect me and proceeded to blame me for 'traumatic childhood'.

I informed her that her parents marriage collapse has nothing to do with me - it happened long before I even knew DH. Then she revealed all the lies that HCBM has been brainwashing them with over the years. Essentially HCBM, announced to DH mid-second pregancy (with SD20) that she was not sure who the father was. He felt that the marriage was over and then tried for years to get away from her - she persistentlyl threatended him no-contact with his daughters. Basically, HCBM has been grooming them to hate DH over the years by telling the girls that the marriage breakdown is becasue of me rather than admit her own infidelity. We had to get a DNA test for SD20 when she was a teenager becuase she looks slightlty different to other family members and her school friends had commented to her that is she really part of this family etc (DNA showed DH is the bio father). 

I told SD23 this is a conversation she must have with the bioparents, not me. DH then arrived and proceeded (very reluctantly) to tell her the truth including HCBM infidelity and implications. He told her that he would speak with SD20 himself face to face because this was going to be potentially very traumatic for her. Of course, the same day SD23 told SD 20 who is now having a hard time and doesnt want to speak to anyone. Of course, SD23 spoke with her toxic mother - who from the sounds of things has out and out lied to her - again! no surprise. I know HCBM hates DH and tries to control him via SDs but i honestly deep down didnt belief that she would damage her own daughters so profoundly just to cause DH pain. There is a part of me that feels real pity for both SD - imagine having a mother who treats you like this? they both have very low self esteem and all the issues that comes with that and it's becoming clear now.

For me - the whole thing has been very carthatic. I have always felt i was never considered part of the family (also because i am non-white and some members of that family are very racist - see previous posts) and now i can leave knowing i have done my best for over a decade and the breakdown is not because of me. I have finally had the chance to speak the truth - i was never silent, but often i felt i had been silenced. DH agrees none of them are allowed into our family home. He agrees that his family have all crossed a major line - which likely they will not come back from. He will see SDs on his own whenever he needs to. I will go complete non-contact. He is getting counselling for both SDs.

We want to build a safe home, true to our values, with people who can genuinely feel love and joy. I have just started a dream job - that i have worked towards for 2 decades. We are also starting the adoption process - from this experience i have learnt i need my own family and that these people are not it.

My take home lesson: speak up for yourself, you deserve a family who loves, respects and values you, draw any and all boundaries you need to to feel safe.

Onwards and upwards, X