very :(
I am very excited to read other accounts and experiences from all of you guys. Just to know that there are other individuals out there who seem to be feeling the same things I am is wonderful. I'm actually not even a stepmom yet, but my fiance and i are planning to marry on halloween, so it's right around the corner. It has been a long and difficult journey for me...though I'm certain it has been for not only my fiance, but his daughter as well.
I have 9 nieces and nephews. I have become comfortable with the reaction i receive from them when they see me. For example, if I show up at one of my sister's homes, the kids yell Aunt ... is here!! They all run to the door and hug me! They treat my fiance the same way, they may even get more excited to see him! Haha. I love kids, and I love to play with them! This is what I am used to!
However, when we pick up my fiance's daughter it's a completely different situation. I am almost always greeted with at least a dirty look, if not a negative remark. Anytime they are on the phone with one another, there are constant comments like, "can we go to the movies" , the child says, her father answers "sure, when (my name) gets home from work, we will all go", and then the child will say things like "Nevermind, I don't want to go, I only want to go if SHE doesn't go"...If he shows me any form of affection, she immediately says, "I want to go back to my mom's house"...nevermind that as soon as her parents separated her mother immediately moved in another guy and was pregnant with his child within a few weeks...
I know that there is a different kind of bond between father's and daughters, and I know that until I came along, she was his entire world. It's not that I can't comprehend the ideas and situations causing her to act the was she does, I'm just tried of trying to act like things don't bother me. I'm tired of having to be the bigger person and set an example...after someone is continually rude to me in my own home, it is just so frustrating...i'm starting to not even want to come home when I know she is going to be there.
More than anything though, I hate that I have these feelings..I hate that i feel negative towards her in any way, form or fashion. I feel like a horrible person. I don't know how to change my feelings, and I don't want to just put on a front. I don't want to hurt her dad when I don't laugh at some of the funny things she says because only moments before she said something tacky towards me or about me. I know that it is more than likely going to get worse...I hate being so pessimistic, but currently I am so doubtful about things getting better. 
I know that I am a brat...I just don't know what to do from here.
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Quality time?
Have you ever spent time with her - just the two of you?
******My daddy always said: "It's better to be a SMARTASS, than a DUMBASS!******
we actually have spent a
we actually have spent a large amount of time alone together...i am a teacher so i had the entire summer off so she stayed with me a lot. she loves my nieces and nephews, so anytime i go to visit, she likes to go with me.
That's great.
Is she as disrespectful when it's just the two of you as she is when daddy's around? I'm just curious, because I have not received any disrespectfulness from my skids yet. They're 8 and 9.
******My daddy always said: "It's better to be a SMARTASS, than a DUMBASS!******
Not at all...if he calls me
Not at all...if he calls me while just her and i are together and tells me that he loves me she is disrespectful...other than that, we don't really have any problems when it's just the two of us.
Girls and their daddies.......
As I said, I have 2 skids, girls, and they're never disrespectful to me, YET. The older one (9) will sometimes take my place on the couch next to her father as soon as I get up, but when I come back, she always moves withoug having been told. She will most times cuddle with me on the other side. Thankfully, I have not gone through what you are going through.
My first date with FH and skids, I showed up and we pretended that I was a friend of one of the other women who attended. (we all went boating) That day FH and I shared private looks, but the skids didn't realize that I was there to be with dad. They warmed up to me that first day. One of them even fell asleep on my lap while on the boat. And in the truck on the way home, I sat in the back seat with the girls. I had a girl on either side of me with their heads on my shoulders and we all three fell asleep, and my FH said when he saw that in the rearview mirror, he knew at that moment that he wanted to marry me. The girls didn't want me to leave that night after we all had dinner. I think they never saw me as a threat and it was their "idea" that daddy ask me out after that day. We have all loved each other ever since.
******My daddy always said: "It's better to be a SMARTASS, than a DUMBASS!******
He needs to make his
He needs to make his daughter at least be respectful towards you while she is in your home. It is his responsibility to have consequences for her bad behavior. You need to let him know that you will not be treated that way in your own home and then give him a chance to fix it. Let him know that if it keeps up then he will have to have visitation with his daughter elsewhere. I had to do this. I even told my husband's daughter that she didn't have to like me but she had to respect me in my own home or she wouldn't be coming back. She is a teenager now and it has only been recently that she has become so disrespectful to me that it nearly ended my marriage.
I have been with her and her dad since she was 6. She is 14 now. We have always gotten on quite well until recently. I have already raised two daughters to adulthood and didn't put up with disrespect from them. I'll be damned if I'll let someone else's kid treat me that way. I'm very vocal about it and thankfully my husband has learned that he either has to support me in this or we are done. There really is no gray here.
You have to be confident enough in your relationship to be as bold and up front with your feelings. Thats the only way anything will change and you will have the opportunity at least to a peaceful co-existence with your stepdaughter.
I am certain that part of
I am certain that part of the problem is that I am not confident. I worry that if I say something he will take it the wrong way and side with "his daughter"...
Then you definitely need to
Then you definitely need to put off the wedding until you are. Why start a marriage based on dishonesty? You are not happy. Don't pretend you are.
hahaha...you sound just as
hahaha...you sound just as practical as my mother!
I probably could be your
I probably could be your mother...lol. There is something to be said for experience.
History with mother might be part of problem
I think that sometimes kids whose parents rush directly into a new relationship and family (i.e. getting pregnant right away) like her mother did cling harder to the other parent for some sense of normalcy. Having that sense that her father is somehow hers taken away is probably scary. I think you're doing the right thing spending one on one time with her. Hopefully just by showing her that you're not taking her father away but becoming a good part of both their lives will help ease her into your role. Sounds like your DH is trying to do the right things with respect to keeping you involved. Good luck!
I can understand that as
I can understand that as well...and the thing about it is, not that i hate her mother or anything, but i do feel that her chance of normalcy will be within my husband and my home rather than hers. Her mother constantly has friends over and it just seems like something is always going on. I was brought up to respect my parents and myself, so whether i like it or not, i will (without trying) instill these things within my own children as well as her. she told us once about how her mom's sister-in-law (with her mother's approval) bought her and her little one year old daughter a shirt that had someone raising the middle finger on it. she was talking about how excited she was to wear it and her father turned around in the car and said "you shouldn't be wearing a shirt like that, and you won't be wearing it in our home"...to which the daughter replied "you are only saying that because of "her" (meaning me of course)"...i never once made a remark when they were discussing, i didn't make a face, i didn't make a sound...i haven't tried to tell him how I think he should raise his daughter...though i did/do disagree with a six year old girl wearing a shirt like that isn't something i'd want my children to do, and later on i would have worked in a comment about it in some way or fashion, i loved that it was something that he didn't want and he didn't agree with. i feel that our household will be this way, we will have certain rules/expectations and that at least for awhile our house will be the house for her to experience normalcy. I guess i just know that it's a big responsibility and it makes me nervous considering our current situation and my negative feelings towards it/her.
Very normal but not OK
I will completely turn most decisions and disciplinary measures over to my DH, I often don't say a word but she will blame me. It's easier for them to be angry and the non-bio parent than then real parent, safer I think. But your DH has to let her know that is totally unacceptable.
How old is your soon to be
How old is your soon to be stepdaughter? And how long have FH and BM been divorced?
I agree with what Totalybogus said. You cannot and neither should FH allow his daughter to treat you this way. Ideally, FH should be the one to sit her down and tell her what's acceptable and what's not, along with consequences BUT don't be afraid to tell her just what Totalybogus said (which I also have said to my SS9), "I may not be your mother or your father and you don't have to like me, but you will respect me".
When I first moved in with FH, I was not very confident nor was I comfortable with the idea of exercising any authority over SS9 (then 8 yrs old) but believe me, that changed really fast out of necessity. In my situation though, I do have a child of my own, so I was already used to being the authoritative figure. I just felt a bit uncomfortable about using that with SS9 at first because he wasn't my child. Like I said though, I got over that quickly because man, was he disrespectful and downright difficult. Was not used to the word "no" or any real structure or discipline. It was tough for a while, and still is from time to time, but YOU are the adult here and SHE is just a child. Where I grew up, I learned that you must respect your elders, something I've noticed that is not taught or instilled in this society.
She is 6. Her mother and
She is 6. Her mother and father were never married. they were together until about 1.5 years ago or so. Thank you for the advice. I know that I just need to not be so afraid. I guess more than anything, it scares me that I don't love her and most of the time I don't even want her to be around. I don't know how to change my feelings.
You will never love her like
You will never love her like you will your own child, but you will grow to love her as you do a neice or nephew. Anyone that tells you it is the same is lying to themselves. It just takes time. Besides right now she is being difficult to you and that doesn't make even liking her easy.
Just be honest with your SO. You both deserve that.
ok, Bogus,,,,
soooo...if u don't have any bios, in yur opinion, is it possible to love yur skids as if they are yur own?
A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how her children react when they see her cry.....
Nope because if you don't
Nope because if you don't have any bios you wouldn't know what that kind of love is for a comparison.
LOL
"ok" what a shame for all the abused, adopted, and displaced children of the world that they shall never know a REAL mother's love
A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how her children react when they see her cry.....
I think you could love them
I think you could love them as IF they were your own, but not like you would love your own.
I don't think its a shame for them. They will still be loved by a REAl mother, just not a BM.
Ok, 6 is too young to be
Ok, 6 is too young to be that disrespectful. Talk to FH and let him lay down the law with her. He sounds like a sensible person from what you've written.
On the other issue, don't feel badly or guilty that you don't love her. Time may change that, then again, it may not. I've been around my SS9 for 2 years and I honestly don't think I can say that I love him. I care about his emotional well being and overall happiness, I want the best for him and I do help him with homework and other things to better him. I think he's a handsome little boy and sometimes, he does make me laugh. But love? I don't think so.....not yet at least. I've felt badly about this and so does FH but you can't make yourself love another person. Whether that person is a partner or a child.
Not wanting her around? Well, if she treats you as rudely as she has, I don't blame you. Maybe when she starts being more respectful towards you and maybe gets to know you better (coupled with growing up), you may be able to find things in common and share more activities and in turn, your feelings may change.
I wish you the best of luck. Talk to your FH though... Good place to start.
I can tell u that....
I have a horrible BM (read my past blogs, or just take my word for it:))...the PAS from the BM was unbearable, but I can honestly say that even in the beginning my skids never were disrespectful toward me. Now they may have "thought" whatever they wanted and may not have been all hugs n kisses, but they never made disrespectful comments or ignored me, etc. Now the reason I think they never did, was because the knew their father wouldn't tolerate it. I agree with the others...yur FH needs to be the one to set this child straight. Apparently she disrespects you because there are no consequences for it. IMO, u need to let yur FH that this is a big issue for you and it needs to be resolved BEFORE u marry on Halloween (which I think is TOTALLY cool, congrats!) Maybe if you let him know that you truly want to try and have a relationship with his daughter, but that it is impossible for u to do so if she is permitted to continually disrespect u. I wish u all the best!!!
A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how her children react when they see her cry.....