I don't think I'll get over this one.
OK...agreement was that SD14 could go back to live with BM if she straighted up...which she did (Moved in with us for falling grades, bad behavior, couldnt' get along with BM etc.. However, circumstance has changed BM isn't working full time, can't afford her and still can't control her moods. SS13 lives with us and has for years, even though we paid CS on him while BM only had SD. Long story...
DH told SD14 she couldnt' go to church camp because he needed to talk to her. She pushed as to why as did BM. He said you aren't going to live at BM's the circumstance has changed and I don't want to end up in the same mess you were in a year ago.
BM calls and now both kids will be living with her and SS13 said he's moving becasue dad doesn't keep his word. BM has convinced these kids because of their age they get to choose where they live which isn't true. They get to give input which accounts for a very small portion of the judges decision. We're just heart broken. They think their mom and her life style is OK and that we are obligated to support her through them, as she can't afford to live without CS.
In reality the way things are right now. She'd never get on the docket until after school starts and the judges would be reluctant to move them midyear. We can prove a marked improvement in both kids school work, attendance, and health since they've lived with us. We can show that BM only let us have SS if she continued to get full CS and we can show that in the year that we've had both kids she's paid none of the court mandated CS. Our attorney said the burden to show that circumstanes have changed enough to uproot the kids is on her...HOWEVER>>>>my DH nor I want to put the kids or ourselves through any of this. I can't take the stress, I'm a wreck now. I feel used, hurt and angry. He's hurt and the kids think they have the upper hand.
I really don't want to keep SD14 against her will because I think she's already a lost cause. She' too much of a victim. The plan is this: We can't let the kids think they have the upper hand. Explain what the attorney has said and that it is our right to do whatever we want at this point since DH has full custody. Explain that we can't trust SD14 to behave at her mothers and that is she is allowed to go (with us retaining custody). One screw up and she comes back...BM has agreed to this after she found out that DH had reduced income and she'd get a minimal amount of support. She also doesnt' want SS, just want to use him as a threat. SD14 must maintain good grades, attendance, health, always have medication, curfew, etc.
My MIL accused us of taking the easy way out, but we can't risk losing both kids or having a miserable life because of one 14 year old girl. Letting her have the chance to go back to her BM's is the hardest thing we've ever done. BM won't hurt her, she'll just make stupid choices and help nurture her bad attitude and victim mentality....no court will see that as abuse. Our feeling is that it's better to maintain total custody and give her the chance than to live in a household of unrest.
What BM is doing is PASing.
What BM is doing is PASing. She's doing it to turn the children against DH to secure her CS. My SD13 is completely alienated from her Dad thanks to BM. DH had to make the decision to stop having his daughter over for visits because of her destruction and abuse to our home and family members. It was the most difficult decision he has had to make and the custody evaluator understood and said he made the right decision.
Now we are back into court next month for a 4 day trial to fight for sole custody of his sons. It is draining, exhausting and time consuming. But you and DH have to make the choice of what your home needs. Hang in there, you're not alone.
Thanks. It's really hard to
Thanks. It's really hard to hear my MIL talk about how she'll take her and raise her right and that we're taking the easy way out and how my DH will ahve to answer to GOD for not raising his children right (BM is a lesbian and recovered addict).
My MIL doesn't understand the unnecessary drama and how stressful it is. My SD is un appreciative, rude, selfish, and always a victim. She learned well from her BM.
I understand. My SD sounds
I understand. My SD sounds like a replica of her BM too. It sounds like our SD's have been "home schooled" very well. My XH's aunt was a step mother and I never understood what she was talking about until I became a SM myself. I think the role of a SM is one of the most difficult positions to be in, when you add a BM who add's PASing into the mix, it's absolute chaos. BM's like this seem to thrive in chaos. Which is beyond my understanding :?
Yes it is PAS'ing. But,
Yes it is PAS'ing. But, unfortunately, if at age 13 they no longer want to live with you, the judge won't make them. We lost SD when she turned 14 and BM lost SS at 13. Been through this and spent 17K only to lose one child and take one from his mom....SD16 is a nightmare and has no rules at BM's and SS13 couldn't take it. So now siblings do not see each other and BM still can not admit she screwed up with PAS'ing SD right out of our lives.
I think not making a 13 year
I think not making a 13 year old live with a certain parent must be a state thing. Our SD was made to come to our home even though she did not want to, the Judge didn't care. I'm sure when we go back DH will catch hell for giving BM SD and not going according to the CO.
We live in a strictly
We live in a strictly republican county and they are very partical schools, religion and lifestyles. SD missed 16 days of school, had failing/falling grades, and she and her mother couldn't get along. We turned that all around. SS has been with us for 3 years and we took him after they made him sleep on a hardwood floor as punishment for three weeks.
BM is a recovered crack addict and her life style sucks...In 2011 she had three women she was having spend the night and one she met in N/A....she was a priestess of some sort. The new "wife" has two sons that are worthless and they have custody of her only grandchild.
We'd win, but the kids are so brain washed it would be a nightmare.
I understand where your
I understand where your position. When DH got divorced, the kids were already teens. They wanted to stay with BM (party town, NO supervision) and he didn't want to force them to be with him. SD had already raged a 5 year battle against "sperm donor" when he tried to parent. Unbeknownst to him, SS was already lost, smoking dope and drinking (BM knew but never said anything, that's always her way).
SD turned her anger on her mother and five years later finally moved out with her S3. She's doing OK, being self-supporting and a good mom. Never can keep a BF for longer than a month though.
SS19 went from bad to worse. Flunked 8th grade twice. Had truancy filed on him by school (BM knew 3 months before DH, who learned when served by the court, nice, huh?). His arrest record is up to 3 underage drinking, 1 DUI and one pot possession. Barely graduated, wandering the countryside, life in a mess but won't listen to anyone (like DH). Big secret: he's an alcoholic binge drinker but BM never said a word to DH...we learned the hard way when he came for a half-assed attempt at making a life here...he's back with mommy now TG.
A few times DH thought maybe he should go to court and force SS to live with us. To be honest, I'm glad he didn't. Maybe BM is passive and noncommunicative but I think she's a PAS-er all the same. She never supported their relationship with DH, instead played the blame game and took the I'm now a teenager again approach (ILs finally see truth of her!). It would have been hell on earth.
You ARE taking the easy way
You ARE taking the easy way out.
"BM won't hurt her, she'll just make stupid choices and help nurture her bad attitude and victim mentality...." That isn't "hurting" her?
Knowing that the best place to flourish is at your house and leaving sd at bm's house is taking the easy way out. You don't want to deal with her, but what you will end up getting is a child who has messed up her one time (which will probably follow a LOT of things you didn't find out about) and she will be even more messed up than when you sent her. I hope you are prepared.
It is not the easy way out,
It is not the easy way out, trust me. BTDT...It is the only way that has a decent outcome for all involved. If a child doesn't want to be with you, why would you force it. Then all you have is an angry teenager making everyone miserable. We quit fighting for Sd when it became very apparent she didn't want to be here. When everything is obviously better for her here. SS13 is thriving. SD16 living with BM is barely passing classes and in all sorts of trouble and having a hard time keeping friends. Lets just say a pregnancy with her would not be that surprising.
So taking the easy way out as you put it, is by far the best thing for my household....But, definitely not easy decision to live with. But, we never could have won as long as she didn't want to be here. SD14 at the time, signed the papers herself suing us to live with BM.
The SD14 has learned from her
The SD14 has learned from her BM to hold people hostage with her attitude. We had a year of it. She performed as expected and began acting out this summer when she knew she was going back to BM's...which is part of the reason we had a change of heart. Also, BM went psycho on us about a flute.
It is the easy way out adn I don't care anymore. It's up to her if she stays with BM, one false move and she's back with us for good.
My SD17 has not lived with
My SD17 has not lived with her mother for several years, and even in spite of that she has retained her mother's attitude. I WISH we would lose custody of her. She is a pain in the butt.