How can I teach my kids to be good people when the SD gets to act however she wants
My stepdaughter is pure evil and DH makes me feel like I am infringeing on her territory. Give me a break. She is seventeen had to take Science 3 times before she passed. Doesn't want to go to college instead wants to go to culinary school when she can't even boil water without burning the pan. Meanwhile I am trying to teach my kids to be strong dependable responsible people. I don't think this marriage can work when I feel like I have to do battle with the DH and SD in order for my feelings to be heard and not called names. Like all I want is to be unhappy, why do I hate the stepdaughter, and I am such a victim. Who thinks like that? Why would I leave an alcoholic that I had been married to for 13yrs if all I wanted was to be unhappy for the rest of my life? Why would I work two part time jobs when I couldn't find a full time job to support my kids if I just want to be a victim? What makes a grown man think that any adult should have to acquiesce to a teenage girl who lies about everyone around her?
Be honest as possible with your own kids
My 13 year old son started acting out after a couple of years of SD's drama and antics. He still gets into trouble now and then BUT since I started leaning on him a little for support regarding SD he is really coming around. I think before he only saw that I was buying her manipulation for my love and time and he was frustrated. But now that he knows I'm not falling for it, he's really supportive. I try not to involve the boys or tell them too much. But once in a while we get real about how hard she is to live with and it helps. When the boys hear her attack me verbally they rally around me later to help me feel better. I think it's teaching them to have some compassion and that they are part of a family not the center of it like SD tries to be.
It's tough though. But some sincere comments like,
"I can't make SD do it, DH will have to."
"I know it's not fair to you that she got away with that, but I'm trying to pick my battles and let DH do most of her parenting."
And most importantly, I often tell one or both of my sons, "Thanks for listening...trying...helping...you have no idea how much that means to me right now."
I have seen a tremendous improvement, especially in BS 13's behavior since I got more real with him. BS 11 is my little kindred spirit so he's been easy since the day he was born. But today is is last day of elementary school. PLEASE don't let him turn into a crazed 6th grader!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
so true
I have talked to my kids I must admit though that it starts to seem like I am constantly explaining to my kids not to act the way SD does because in the long run it will get her no where sometimes I wonder though. She does end up getting the constant attention and my kids get overlooked. The squeaky wheel gets fixed or however the saying goes. I have to keep telling myself there is a light at the end of the tunnel even if I have to get the dynamite and blast my way through myself. DH thinks I am just being a b+itch about the SD when in all truth and honesty I don't want to have to raise her kids and have her living with us the rest of my life. Which I know will happen if she is allowed to continue acting the way she does.
Well...isn't it funny I wrote this yesterday
Because last night, out of nowhere, BS 13 verbally attacked me.
He put me down as a mom, as a person, claimed his dad agrees with him but won't say it to my face etc etc.
He had been doing great, and I had lightened up on him considerably. So what's he do with that? The first time I attempt to correct him he goes ballistic.
I just wrote on Kathleen's post that I'm starting to get why boarding school for teens is so appealing.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Skids
I can't help but feel like there has to be something that DH has said in order for the skid to feel like it is okay to be so disrespectful to us. I can't imagine that a kid who has been taught to respect authority could speak to an adult the way that my sd has spoken to me. But, then it is obvious once you have been around sd for over an hour that she has no respect for anyone not even herself plus she is just plain stupid which doesn't help her case.
How long
How long have you and DH been married? Have you talked to DH about how you feel? Would he be at all interested in changing the dynamics of your home together? I have put myself in the same situation with my new(1yr)husband, where the influence of his teens behavior has impacted ALL daily life. Talk about drama with these kids!!! What I can tell you is this, I COULD NOT AND WOULD NOT let my self respect be demeaned by anyone in my home, telling this to my DH and letting him know that I expect a high level of integrity in our home. Which meant that we need to be on the same page about what WE EXPECT from ALL the kids. My kids have absolutely been impacted by his kids behavior, but I'm about nipping it in the bud.
We have been married 3mos now
honestly I am positive that I made a serious mistake. It almost seems like since we got married SD stepped up her game more and fills his head full of lies about how horrible she is treated when in truth we hardly see the girl. She is always at "work" even though she can only work 25hrs a week. The day we got married we had to rush around because she had to get to work and this wasn't important enough to her to take the day off. She even told my daughter that SD's job was more important to SD than me and DH getting married. Of course he never hears her saying half the crap she says and it doesn't do any good to tell him because he just thinks we are picking on her. While she can say all sorts of crud about my kids and myself.
Keep telling him
Don't let him intimidate you into submission re. SD. My DH was the same way for a long time, that his child was smart, had good manners, did well in school etc. when the evidence was just not there, and the undeniable truth was, for example the kid could not read at age 11. He did not thank me for it then, but now he sees it and supports me in really trying to help her, not just blow smoke up her *ss. I would tell him what she says to your kids, how she treats you and especially if she says anything about him, like that wedding comment. Sometimes people think you are overreacting until it is done to them too, then it is a 'real' problem.
Timeframe: the first year of marriage is hard enough, it takes time for you to really trust and bond like you will, in my opinion. It probably took me 2-3 years of me pointing stuff out, that seems minor compared to what comes later, but if he had addressed the things I was saying the 'monster' we now have may have not been created. Don't give up, you are the one helping her and him too, by diming her out on this stuff! She needs to learn respect and humility, schooling and manners, before she screws up her life!
"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus
Teenage step kids!
I would like to join the venting on teenage step kids. Having read the posts, I see myself in many of the stories. I have been married for nearly one year now and I am almost ready to call it quits because of my step daughter. She is a beautiful 14-year-old (turns 14 next month). She is also manipulative, angry and a bully in the home. One of the problem was that having been described as an angel by te father before I joined the family, I convinced myself that the relationship would be a good one if I just tried to be normal and friends with her, ignore the bad behaviour if it is not dangerous and just be loving. I actually loved her in the beginning. But as I have seen her be verbally abusive towards her father and later really disrespectful and abusive towards me, my feelings are now closer to hate than love. Though sometimes I feel the warm fuzziness of love when she and I are speaking. (An increasingly rare occurence). She lives with us full time.
Whereas I totally empathize with the fact that she has emotional problems and has had a terrible time with her parents divorce and all the shouting that was done around her by her parents when they fought and continued even after the divorce, I do not accept her rudeness. What I find frustrating are all the people and websites which completely ignore the step parents pain and the chaos the hurtful behavior brings into the lives of all involved. Including the other children in the family. Why is it that we have to bend over backwards for all our lives to accommodate the ugly, self centered behavior?
The most recent attack was two days ago when she came into my bedroom and accused me of using her hairbrush! A hairbrush for goodness sake! Did I mention that this hairbrush lay in the common bathroom cupboard? When I said I did not, she accused me of being a liar and even threateningly said " You know I will get even more angry if you tell me lies". Talk about role reversal. She then proceeded to tell me how I should not use her stuff when I said that anything in the common bathroom is assumed to be free for any member of the family to use. After her trying to talk me down and bully me, I told her that I would not touch her stuff and I did not want her touching mine. I know this might be childish but I was very angry. Ignoring would not do. How am I supposed to ignore someone when she comes into my bedroom. I know I can (just keep quiet and continue reading my book) But I was caught off guard by the attack.
I am so so so tired of all this. My husband and her fight almost daily when he is home. Mostly over stuff like he wont give her extra money to buy the next designer clothes. They have loud fights after which they make up and the following day she gets the money that she wants. I hate being in a violent home. Even if it is only verbally violent. I stay out of their fights and keep to my bedroom but the anxiety provoked by their fights is killing me.
Now I know that had I known what I know now, I would never have gotten married. Well, of course I had read about the issues of step parenting. I had however not counted on a father who is fearful, yes FEARFUL of his teenage daughter ( to his admission). I also did not realize the level f disrespect in their relationship and that my husband, while he can be a really good friend to his child, had no clue on how to set responsibilities and boundaries for the child.
Just a question: Is it unreasonable for me to refuse to do this child's laundry. I mean, she is fourteen but expects us to do her laundry, wash her dishes and cook her food. I have told my husband that I will not wash her clothes. However I am not sure if I am being bad here. I mean , I was washing my clothes by hand when I was 7!
In answer to your question
I don't think it is unreasonable (or mean) of you to stop doing your SDs laundry. I used to do all 3 SDs wash, back in the days when I played "SuperStepmom". I used to lovingly gather the messes from their horrible pig styes, try to decipher what was dirty, and do loads and loads of wash each week. All I would ask is that they would put away the clean clothes that I neatly left folded in the laundry baskets.
Then I would return to their pig styes days later, only to find that they did not put away the clean clothes, but threw dirty clothes on top of the clean ones, or wore something once for an hour and threw it back into the dirty clothes hamper!
You know that old addage, "Fool me once, shame on you- fool me twice, shame on me." Well after a few times of this happening, I stopped doing their wash completely. And I don't care if they go out with nothing clean to wear or look like rumpled slobs because they throw everything into balls and cram it into closets or leave it on their floor to step on it.
I'll cook for them, and only because I'm making dinner for my DH and my 2 boys anyway, but laundry- your SD is old enough to do that on her own. (BTW, my oldest son is 18 and has Down Syndrome, and has been doing his own laundry for the past 3 years. If HE can do it, SHE certainly can!)
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Get the book I just finished
Stop Negotiating With Your Teen: Strategies for Parenting Your Angry, Manipulative, Moody, or Depressed Adolescent
by Janet Sasson Edgette
http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Negotiating-Your-Teen-Manipulative/dp/0399527893
I am doing much better relating to SD and BS both 13. Like your hair brush scenario, both BS and SD practice a power play/role reversal attempt with me where I find myself defending my parenting (if I'm not careful and catch it before it happens now that I read the book.)
It's not too long a read, and I devoured it. Although there wasn't much about stepping specifically, the argument baiting is addressed with so many different examples that are so universal, that I now have an arsenal of argument bait repellent at my disposal.
So far it's working!
Our SD sounds like the same one. Is she in therapy?
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra