bullying
I would like to get everyone’s opinion on the bullying that so many stepparents fall victims to.
society is starting to address childhood bullying. If a child says they are being bullied most people now do not make the child confront the bully. What about the people who enable the bully? Do they tell the victim that that person should not be accountable for allowing the bullying to go on and telling the victim to just suck it up, and place the blame on the victim for being bullied? Or do they say the enabler gets a pass?
why does society look at adult bullying so differently 9times out of 10 the blame is placed on the victim. They are seen as week and just need to suck it up. The enabler is felt sorry for because they were put in the middle.
The effect of bullying is the same on the victim. It doesn’t matter the age. The damage it does is the same. Why are supposed counseling professionals so quick to place the blame on the victim.
Unless you have expirenced it first hand and been a victim as most of us her have been, you have no idea.You have no idea what the damage it does to someone. You can’t see the scars so it must not be there. If some one physically abuses you then they might notblame the victim. The pain and damage is still there with bullying.
We can see what entitlement that is created in these “kids” by these parents who would rather have a child as emotion support,or as a best friend instead of teaching them right from wrong. Has done. They are creating a generation of narcisstic monsters.
many of today’s so called counselor ‘s want or don’t know how to handle it. If they don’t they should say so and refer you to someone who does know the impact of adult bullying by stepkids. It is real. It is a real issue that more and more people are dealing with. Most people who are dealing with it a simply thrown under the bus and told to get over it.
thouhts?
I have learned few understand
I have learned few understand who have not experienced this nightmare personally, regardless of training. Experience, is the best teacher--though it would be great to reach out to professionals who truly understood this nightmare of dysfunction many of us live. And, that is why this site provides the support for me and so many others, we could not find anywhere else.
Bullying characteristics are the same, regardless of age; so are the consequences. I never knew what PTSD was until I figured out what was happening to me -myself and starting working on making me better. I believe this site is much more beneficial than a random counselor, who may or may not have the slightest understanding of familial step sickness.
I really feel I have PTSD
I really feel I have PTSD also. Dont you wonder down deep how DH’s really feel knowing that the kids they raised gave their spouse PTSD. I would feel horrible if I had let my kids do that to the person I love. How can you look yourself in the mirror knowing that you stood by and watched this? How can that be ok with anybody? I know for sure that I would not blame the victim.
I really do understand the triggers now with PTSD.
That is why no victim should be forced into confronting the abuser. No one should have to go thru having their experience minimalized either. It is real.
One of the worst parts of it
One of the worst parts of it is everyone telling me, "well, she IS his daughter" and "you're the adult." I believed it when I was told that, which only served to make me the doormat even longer. I went into my relationship expecting some friction, so I told my husband, "let's not be overtly physical so SD is not uncomfortable." I tried so hard to show her I was no threat and only wanted to establish friendly terms with her.
I had no idea I was up against someone who would take me to the mat
I really understand how you
I really understand how you feel. Anybody who has not been through it is so quick to judge. They have no idea what a nightmare it really is. All the families I have been around that have been successful, the key factor really is the parent standing up for the spouse and putting a stop to it before it ever really gets started. Also in successful families I don’t think the kids were raised as emotional suport for the parents. There is not the mini wife syndrome going on.
It is not bad enough being bullied. It is what it does to you and you start betting yourself up and doubting yourself also. It is very vicious.
I hear you
"well she is his daughter" like somehow she is magical, the top of the pyramid, and we have to bow our heads in humility . NO WAY "Well I am the wife" is the answer and in the hierarchy I trump the daughter, especially the adult one, whose goal in life is to keep daddy to herself. SIGH
Ohhhhh, I love that reply! I
Ohhhhh, I love that reply! I am going to remember that the next time my OWN mother tells me that crap!
(Yea, this is my mother's mantra, even though when my mother was insulted by my SD, my mother called SD every name in the book!)
everyone was telling me the
everyone was telling me the same thing that i was the adult.
so when is a person who is 23 a child? any young woman who is having s@x with a bunch of young men is not a child and can manage her own emotions.
i was infuriated that dh was not physical with me in front of his children. no holding hands or kissing as i left for work. that did not last for long. the skids had to learn that daddy had a new wife who was not their mother and they had to deal with it.
I don't disagree with
I don't disagree with anything you say. I spent 24 yrs in my first marriage being emotionally abused and bullied by my exH, then I got into a relationship where I was bullied by my step kids and where my DH was happy to throw me under the bus (which he now sees and regrets, otherwise I doubt if I'd still be here) for the sake of placating his ex wife and his daughters. I had a bit of a Eureka! moment a few years ago and decided I wasn't putting up with any of it any more and since then I don't let anyone push me around. Life is much better now!
kes once you find your own
kes once you find your own empowerment and you dont edit what you say life is wonderful.
since i started disengaging and having my own life i saw the skids go into their cesspools thanks to their parenting by their trampy mother and had the last laugh. i no longer censor my feelings for the sake of my husband, his children or any one else.
i will never forget the look on one sds face after she insulted me. i came out with just the right come back that went straight to the jugular of her fragile ego. priceless.
its a great feeling to own up to your true feelings.
So true
I personally bit my tongue and took the abuse from both ss and bm. Thinking magically it would all come together one day. Agonizing over why ss would be mean right before each visit with bm. Believing that bm (although awful imo) truly wanted what was best for ss. I engaged in this nasty cycle for a decade. Ss is now 15 and he knows exactly what he is doing. Being mean when dh is at work and so he and bm have something to bond over. I have FINALLY reached my limit. I have finally allowed myself the freedom to say "no more". Had I known that all of my self proclaimed "hard work" was futile, I would have saved myself a LOT of self worth. Nothing said failure to me quite like building the bridge and watching it go down in flames. Still I rebuilt. I don't know what exactly I was doing. I know as of yesterday I stopped.
I feel like I can breathe again!
I can feel your pain coming
I can feel your pain coming through in your posts, moose, and I feel so bad for you. I wish there was something I could do.
I do agree with what sandye21 said on your last post, about seeing a lawyer to at least see where you stand. Another year and a half of this will be so hard on your self-esteem. I know you said you are going to start living for you but you will still be living in an unhealthy environment. And who knows how they will react when they realize that you are going to take care of YOU - they won't like that.
I, personally, have not been bullied by my SD, not when she was a kid and not as an adult, but I cannot imagine my husband letting someone, anyone, treat me like that. I can, however, imagine how much it would hurt for him to just stand by and watch it happen. Not only to let it happen (over and over), but to not care how much I was hurting. I would be devastated.
i recall when my dh was an
i recall when my dh was an absolute coward when it came to his skids. one sd ordered her father to divorce me and he just stood there saying nothing. on another occasion one sd told me she could beat me up. i happily engaged in some verbal self defence that left her speechless.
i just let these skids take the karma they have coming their way. their lives are a wreck thanks to their poor decisions and using people to their own ends.