For those unfamiliar with shunning, it’s a form of social rejection often associated with stories from the past—like Nathaniel Hawthorne’s The Scarlet Letter, where communities ostracized individuals deemed ‘immoral’. Over the past several decades, shunning has evolved into a more subtle but equally damaging practice. It has become a negative art of avoidance, one that can deeply hurt and alienate its target.

Most of us experience our first taste of shunning in grade school. The scenario is all too familiar: a group of friends suddenly decides that one child doesn’t belong. Maybe they’re too fat, too poor, too smart, too nerdy,  too pretty or simply “too different.” The whispers start, the invitations stop, and the shunning begins.

Sadly, this behavior doesn’t always stay in childhood. It often follows people into adulthood, and one of the most vulnerable targets is the stepparent—particularly the stepmother. When you realize the shunning is directed solely at you, the stepmother, it takes on a new form: a silent, persistent kind of bullying. The isolation, the exclusion, the refusal to acknowledge you—it feels deliberate and cruel, even if no one says the words aloud.

When she was here, during her reign of terror, I was the one tasked with picking her up from school. She had mastered the art of ‘flying below the radar’ when it came to her father, my dear husband (DH). She couldn’t afford to be openly rude to me—she knew better than that—but she had no qualms about freezing me out completely. She simply refused to communicate, and no amount of effort on my part could break through her icy silence.

The car rides home were frosty, to say the least. But as soon as we walked through the door, it was like flipping a switch. In an instant, YSD (in her Miss Hyde form) would shed her icy demeanor and transform into the sweet, innocent Dr. Jekyll, she couldn’t be sweeter to DH. She buttered up DH with practiced ease, showering him with affection as though he were some prize hog at the county fair.

When I told my clueless DH what she was doing, he flat-out refused to believe me. So, I decided to beat her at her own game. During the ride home, I matched her silence with my own. No attempts to engage, no effort to bridge the gap—just icy indifference.

When we got home, and she shifted into buttering-up mode with her father, I stayed aloof. I didn’t react, didn’t get drawn into her performance. For weeks, I stuck to my plan, refusing to play her game.

After about a month, she finally cracked. She tried to talk to me, clearly hoping I’d take the bait and let her reset the cycle. But I wasn’t falling for it. Calmly, I told her, “We can talk at the dinner table with your father.”

That was it. Her game was over. She knew it, and I knew it.

Well, once DH started giving YSD real consequences for her bad behavior, she jumped ship and ran straight to ‘the mothership.’ But not before she and BM teamed up to call Child Protective Services on DH, accusing him of ‘abuse.’

After a three-hour investigation, CPS found no evidence of abuse. Still, YSD made up her mind—she wasn’t going to have anything more to do with DH.

Here’s a note for stepparents: a biological parent will eventually reap what they sow. DH didn’t listen to me when I warned him. He feigned helplessness, DARVO-ed me (deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender), or tried to guilt me into ‘helping his poor, misunderstood little child.’ And yet, in the end, YSD turned on him anyway. Not, sad about that!

Fast forward to Christmas, and YSD started her usual ‘shunning tactics,’ this time targeting DH’s family. The thing about passive-aggressive behavior is that unless people understand it, they often don’t realize what’s happening.

YSD made sure to reach out to DH’s brother, her uncle, and DH’s mother, her grandmother, wishing them a Merry Christmas. But her own father? DH didn’t hear a word from her. No contact whatsoever.

DH’s mother is highly narcissistic, and as JRI puts it, she’s deeply invested in her ‘big happy family’ fantasy. She’s eager for the skids to reunite with their father, and to some extent, we all want that too—but with conditions.

Those conditions are simple yet crucial: the skids must show respect and love for their father; they must treat DH’s wife with dignity; and they cannot continue to use or abuse us. Without these boundaries, a reunion isn’t a healthy or sustainable option. However, Skid’s Granny, doesn’t have boundaries herself, believes that we all should ‘kiss the skids’ ass’ if it would get them back into the fold.

Yesterday, DH and I tried to explain this to Granny:

1. Respect Must Be Mutual: The skids need to respect both DH and me as his wife. Contacting DH’s family on a holiday while deliberately avoiding him is passive-aggressive behavior—shunning—and it’s not acceptable.
2. Silent Bullying: The skid engaging in this behavior isn’t being friendly. Instead, they’re using DH’s relatives to silently bully him. This manipulation is intentional and calculated.
3. Monetary Motivation: YSD contacts Granny as directed by BM because Granny has money set aside for the skids. The strategy is clear: “Be nice to that old lady—she’s got $$$$$$!”
4. Calling Out the Behavior: If relatives notice the skids are contacting them but ignoring DH, they should call it out. A simple response like, “Hey skid, why aren’t you reaching out to your father? If you can’t respect him enough to contact him on a holiday, why are you contacting me?” could set a boundary.
5. Granny’s Hero Complex: Granny wants to play the ‘hero’ by bringing the skids back into the fold. Unfortunately, BM and the skids know this and are exploiting her. They’re manipulating her into believing she’s succeeding when, in reality, she’s enabling their behavior.
6. Fear of Confrontation: Granny and Uncle worry that calling out the skids’ bad behavior will stop the skids from contacting them altogether. But that’s emotional blackmail. The skids aren’t helpless victims—they’re seasoned manipulators preying on their relatives’ kindness. In my opinion, confronting manipulation is the best approach. If the skids run away, it’s because their manipulation didn’t work, and that’s on them—not us.

Some people lack self-respect and integrity, and enabling their behavior only reinforces the cycle, as DH found out, but he will never acknowledge.