MIL vs BM (OSD in the Background)
Sometimes, when I have a calm moment, I wonder how the skids are doing with their lives.
Maybe it's because I want to confirm what I predicted years ago, during the early years of my marriage, when I first noticed them displaying some pretty unsettling behaviors.
While browsing OSD’s social media, I saw her standing on a street corner at night wearing what I could only describe as a ‘Lady of the Evening’ outfit. I had a choice to make: should I let DH know about OSD’s new post, or should I simply ignore it?
After I showed DH the post, he did some research and discovered that 20-year-old OSD:
- Was still involved in her college ‘brothel’ and remains its president—nothing new there.
- Was working at a restaurant as a bartender—well, that’s new!
- Was employed at a rowdy college bar as a ‘bottle gal’—that’s new too!"
He forwarded the information to his mother, which triggered a text-war between MIL, BM, and OSD. MIL bombarded OSD with rapid-fire texts, telling her:
- It’s not wise to work around alcohol, given her and her mother’s struggles with addiction (and I suspect OSD gravitates toward bars because she’s an alcoholic).
- Bars aren’t safe—for obvious reasons.
- It’s better to find a decent job than work at a bar (though MIL doesn’t understand that OSD needs a job where she’s the center of attention)."
OSD could have respectfully responded to MIL, thanking her for her concern and tactfully explaining her choices. Instead, however, she chose a different path. She created a Drama Triangle, casting herself as the sweet, innocent Victim, MIL as the evil Persecutor, and BM as her Savior by involving BM in the conversation and ignoring her grandmother.
By staying silent in the background, OSD gives BM the perfect opportunity—one she's long been waiting for—to attack her ex-mother-in-law.
BM—who is a lush and an ‘ends justify the means’ type—claimed that OSD is simply using her job as a stepping stone. In the same breath, however, she dismissed MIL’s concerns with, ‘None of your business what my daughter does.’
BM insists that MIL—like DH—does not accept OSD ‘as she is,’ accusing them of believing she’s a failure.
(Note: MIL, DH, and even I recognize that OSD is an intelligent young woman. However, she struggles with an addictive personality, a history of alcohol abuse, and a diagnosed personality disorder. We are disappointed that she didn’t take full advantage of the interventions DH provided. Unfortunately, under BM's influence, OSD sees DH as ‘Satan’ and refuses to trust anything he says—even when he echoes the professionals who tried to help her.)
BM claims that DH pushed away the three people she says love him the most—herself, OSD, and YSD. Of course, she conveniently omits the fact that she actively destroyed their relationship with their father. Nor does she mention that she had her affair partner lined up to 'wife her up' after the divorce (she initiated), something that, in the end, never happened.
She also claimed that DH will never have a long-term relationship with anyone. For some reason, BM acts as if I’m invisible as if I don’t exist. I honestly don’t understand why she sees things this way.
I won’t go into the details, but MIL went nuclear on BM. In response, BM tried to create yet another Drama Triangle—this time with, surprise, surprise, DH. She texted him, demanding that he tell his mother to stop messaging both her and OSD.
Don’t do it, DH!’ I warned, advising him to ignore BM and let things cool off. On the bright side, MIL has finally realized she needs to stop trying to ‘parent’ the members of BM’s so-called cult.
In this dysfunctional family, everyone seems happy now—especially Toaster, who’s been sitting on the sidelines with her popcorn, enjoying the show.
Returning to my original concern—the dysfunctional seeds planted years ago now bear fruit. OSD has become exactly who I expected her to be.
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Comments
Your DH had better not reply
Your DH had better not reply to BM. In fact, it was probably a mistake to involve his mother. But let the harpies fight it out. They can satisfy their need for drama and hopefully tire themselves out, leading to more peace for you.
Let Sleeping Dogs Lie.....
that's my motto in StepHell. Personally, I would not have shown that to my DH. All it did was cause a crap show for all with zero change anywhere. Nothing but more drama. As Rumple said, your DH does NOT need to communicate with the BM. In fact, the faster this can go away, the better.
Some things really are not worth sharing.
I can see your point...
...but I also understand the need to acknowledge a 'weed' as a 'weed'. It is hard to see those we love in a negative light, though I think it's harder to live in denial.
I am reminded of my husband, who is finally seeing his family for how they are and not how he wishes them to be.
It's a tough call.
I Can Agree With You...
and in my earlier times in StepHell, I did the same. I've since learned it does no good. People need to "see" for themselves. When I continued to "push" knowledge on to my DH, he only dug his heels in, so to speak. Once I let go of the rope and he had to deal with his kids' behaviors, that's when he started changing.
I've been in this mess near 20 years, so please take anything I say with a grain of salt. I'm a bit jaded with StepHell and don't really give a good crap about SK or their adult outcomes. The ones I deal with are doing exactly what I said they'd be doing 20 years ago.
Another thing....with me letting go....I gained so much peace. That's my goal these days. Peace. I let the dogs lie, these days. LOL
100%
I can certainly understand this and it makes good sense to me! (I have found that with DH, he needs that little nudge to 'see' for himself. Why? Because he didn't want to see!) Thank you for your valuable input; I enjoy hearing/considering all sides and gaining perspective.
At 2 years in, I am jaded as well. Just today DH said something about going to dinner with YSD and I'm thinking, "Yes, that will be fun! She will order one of the most expensive items on the menu, add the 'upgrade', and order 2 hors d' oeuvres. Then she will waste the food. Yes, when can we go?" Big nope, not on our dime! How do I know this, you may ask? Because she recently did it at a social engagement in which someone else was paying the bill! Do you sense some entitlement?
I have learned, through this site, that disengaging was part of the answer for me. When DH brings his family up, I am polite but detached. Then I swiftly change the subject. This has bought me some peace as well.
Oh my!
I hope you had butter and salt for that popcorn!
You bring up a great point that is missed all too often. Not tending those dysfuntional seeds does encourage a 'garden' of weeds. And then the enablers wonder why there are weeds....
I'm applauding giving daddy the hooker pics of OSD.
Well played.
You gave him the pic, he engaged pit bull interfering MIL, and she went ape shit on BM and the SDs. Then when she spun up BM, she went nuclear on BM to the point BM went to DH . Why one might ask? Because DH's mommy hurt BM's fee fees.
What a masterful application of the facts, playing DH perfectly, knowing he would go to his own mommy, and she would call OSD on her whoring abused substance focused life and rub BM's nose in BM's own life stench.
I would take this win, keep stoking the embers, and keep MIL focused on BM and the SKids.
BM tries to tell MIL that what BM's DD's do is none of MIL's business. I would provide some behind the scenes prodding to MIL that what her GD's do is entirely her business. Tough shit to BM that MIL's GD's happen to be BM's daughters.
Make sure to keep daddy reminded that his XW was a cheating POS, his eldest DD is a bar fly sex worker, and then keep feeding MIL with the intent that she vectors those facts to BM and continues the nuclear attack on BM indefinitely.
Lather, rinse, repeat. No quarter, no tolerance for shit from the baggage, no crap tolerated from MIL, no delusional ignoring reality by DH, and you be the wizardess behind the curtain pulling all of their strings. Tolerate none of their bullshit, play the facts as masterfully as you did in this instance, and ......
Have fun!
Update
Thanks, Rags, for ‘getting it.’ I always appreciate your posts and wise advice. Sometimes, I even get to put it to good use—like this time.
All of DH’s family are productive citizens of Society. DH, himself built a successful career and always tried to steer his kids in the right direction. He pushed the same values his family held—work hard, get good grades, and land a spot at a ‘good college.’ It worked for his niece and nephew—full rides to Ivy League colleges. But his own kids? That was another story.
Their mother had a different agenda. Good grades? Not a priority. Partying and popularity? That was her focus. Picture a slatternly, third-rate, D-list, buggy eyed, obese Regina George from Mean Girls. And when it came to choosing sides, the girls made their decision.
For the longest time, DH tried to uncover what slatternly OSD was majoring in at college—a closely guarded secret within the BM-cult. They kept it under wraps like it was classified information.
Then I stumbled upon OSD’s provocative photos, and suddenly, the mystery was solved. DH finally learned her major—something along the lines of social media influencing. He was stunned. Seeing it all laid out only reinforced what he’d suspected all along—he had done everything he could for her, and now, he was done. She was an adult, and from that moment on, he was washing his hands of it.
As far as MIL is concerned, (yes, I agree with JRI) she’s just a grandmother trying to guide her noncompliant grandchild toward ‘the light.’ However, you can lead a horse to water but…. I reiterate, you can lead a grown-ass ADULT to the light BUT….
DH, myself, and the rest of his family have tried to help MIL understand that ‘chasing the dragon’—desperately trying to win over people who don’t like you and have no interest in being around you—won’t bring them back into her life. If they don’t want to be part of her world, no amount of effort will change that.
Despite countless reasoning and heartfelt conversations, nothing got through to MIL. She’s the kind of person who has no boundaries, and unfortunately, force is the only thing that ever seems to reach her.
But firsthand experience with the cult leader, BM, and her devoted minions finally did the trick. MIL only got a small taste of what DH and I endured for years—years of manipulation, conflict, and frustration. She had to walk in our shoes for, oh, just a fraction of a mile to finally ‘get it.’
Reality hit hard, and that’s when Granny finally woke up and became a believer. She’s not exactly thrilled about facing the truth, but she’s facing it nonetheless. How long this will last, I don’t know.
A stepparent often sees things that other family members don’t—because they are, in many ways, outsiders. If the family is wise, they’ll recognize the value of the stepparent’s insights and use them to their advantage.
However, when parental alienation is at play, there’s only so much a DH or DW can do. Sometimes, it’s a losing battle. But at the very least, the stepparent can serve as an early warning system—sending out alarms like, “Red Alert, Red Alert! Brace for impact...repeat…brace for impact…Skids are jumping ship…defecting to their mothership.”
So, is everyone happy now? Let’s break it down:
?
A stepparent often sees things that other family members don’t—because they are, in many ways, outsiders. If the family is wise, they’ll recognize the value of the stepparent’s insights and use them to their advantage.
I wish this was the way things happened when SPs shared insight because it is often easier to see from the outside looking in. How often do you think this happens? I believe the scales are tipped more in favor of casting the SP as scapegoat. That way the 'family' remains untarnished. It really is unfortunate. If someone came to me with an honest concern about my child and delivered it in a loving, nonjudgemental way I would sit up, take notice, and take the necessary actions needed. I love my children too much to do anything less.
Good points. Back in the day,
Good points. Back in the day, our marriage counselor suggested that we insist that BM's private (manipulative and upsetting) communication stop with DH, as DH wasn't seeing clearly. The therapist told us to set up a joint husband-wife email address and tell BM she needed to communicate that way. The reason was twofold: BM wouldn't pull the manipulative BS with a third party (me) looking on; and I, as the "outsider," could provide that more objective view of what was going on. It also forced her to recognize our marriage. It worked like a charm, although BM was effing furious and blamed it all on me. lol.
Great idea.
Wish we had thought of that during the active CO years. Though recognizing our marriage was a given anytime the SpermClan e-mailed my DW. Her EM address was her first and last name. So, they had to type her married name any time they emailed.
That gave me an evil little warm fuzzy to think about just now.
Enjoy the distance but never let your guard down.
Sadly, diligence is a life long requirement far more often than not for a SParent.
Take care of you.
Wise words, Toaster
Ah, Toaster!
When I married my DH, his DD was almost 14 and my DS was 10-years-old. While DH was rather quick to point out my son’s shortcomings, I was reluctant to criticize his daughter’s questionable behaviours, preferring to keep peace in the family.
On one particular evening, SD (16-years-old at the time) was waiting for a friend to pick her up for a teen party and wore a pair of ‘Daisy Dukes’ that clearly exposed her ‘cheekettes’. The shorts were, in a word, pornographic. Not too surprisingly, my DH was horrified at the tushie exposure and demanded that she immediately repair to her room and change into something decent.
After a few minutes of howling and stomping, SD gave in and reappeared from her room when her transport arrived, toting a straw bag (despite the fact that she had never used a purse or bag in the past).
A stepparent often sees things that other family members don’t—because they are, in many ways, outsiders.
Yup, I knew, instantly, that the Daisy Dukes were in SD’s straw bag. When I brought that obvious fact to DH’s attention, he laughed and insisted that ‘daddy’s girl’ would never deceive him in such a way. I suggested that we check out her room to locate the obscene shorts. As you may well suppose, they were nowhere to be found. Tut, tut.
That betrayal was an eye-opening event for gullible Dad. I’ve always believed that, when observing negative actions from one’s steps, the less said, the better. When their dirty deeds are only occasionally exposed (pun intended), they have a lot more impact. Gotta' love that popcorn, yeah!?
It sounds like you were
It sounds like you were happy to be proven right, shared with your DH, were a catalyst in a big ol' pile of drama, and sat back to enjoy some popcorn.
^^ *bomb*
^^ *bomb*
YES! I AGREE - THAT WAS A BOMB!
It sounds like you were happy to be proven right!
TRUE!
….shared with your DH,
TRUE!
were a catalyst in a big ol' pile of drama,
TRUE!
(But, people have free will – just saying)!
….and sat back to enjoy some popcorn.
Also, TRUE (with mixed feelings).
SEE UPDATE!
I'm not a fan of drama. If I
I'm not a fan of drama. If I have to be involved, it's to end it; not to create more and add players.
My Hero
There are a few stepmothers on this site that I truly look up to—they are my heroes. They managed to contribute to their stepkids’ lives and genuinely made a difference.
One stepmother in particular stands out to me; her post is down below. I deeply appreciate and admire her. I only wish my own story had turned out like hers.
https://www.steptalk.org/blog/aniki-moderator/bioho-mother-279880
My story turned out like it
My story turned out like it did because DH and I are two peas in a pod: we doggedly stay course and refuse to change for anyone.
And I'm certainly no hero. Just a regular person trying each day to be better than the day before.
Just a regular person trying
Just a regular person trying each day to be better than the day before.
Well, hell! In my book, that's a hero! Most people don't strive for that!
I’ll raise a glass to that,
I’ll raise a glass to that, Toaster! Ani and I have been internet friends for more than a decade and I can confirm that she is the kindest, most empathetic, sensible and honest person that I’ve encountered to date. Love her! ♥️
You humble me. Love you right
You humble me. Love you right back, granny. *give_rose*
SP can not
Change anything in stephell. Best to take a step back and disengage, before it's all your fault
'These kids needed mental Health help and support. Unfortunately they didn't get it. There is no waking up one day and everything is fixed. MIL should of been a good GM and got them the help they needed. Just because you married into a dysfunctional family. Everything doesn't fall on you.
I have to admit that I evil
I have to admit that I evil giggled when I read this. I used to be the "informer" in the old days, primarily to learn and share the truth about the bundles of lies DH was told and, at times, to let DH know when something unsafe was going on (esp when skids were underage). I also wanted him to see the truth.
We finally made it to a place where I grew tired of that "job," he saw everyone for who they were/are, and I let it all go. It's freeing. At the same time, I get where you are coming from.
informant
Thanks for ‘getting it,' MorningMia.
I think what motivates me to keep doing this job is DH’s past attitude. He was so willfully blind to the skids’ shenanigans and their downright unlikeable attitude toward me.
I’ll never forget how, in the early months of our marriage, OSD outright demanded that he divorce me. She even said he’d promised not to start dating until she was done with him, no longer needed him, and went off to her extended high school stay—oops, I mean college.
Then there was cult-leader BM’s sleeper agent—the one DH thought was so loyal to him. Ha! She was, and still is, an expert at passive-aggressive shunning tactics.
When DH finally got tired of her sneaking around to see grown men on the sly, he finally stepped up and did some half-assed parenting—gave her a one-day suspension from her cell phone. And what did she do? She jumped straight to the Mothership and reported him to CPS for animal cruelty—I mean, child abuse.
Did I mention the thousands—no, tens of thousands—of dollars we wasted in court? All because BM wanted more spousal support—I mean child support—or just wanted to punish DH for daring to tell her “NO.”
And what did YSD do when DH asked for her support so he could get her full-time, so he could give her his undivided attention and tutoring—just so she could at least pass high school? She jumped straight to the Mothership and reported him to CPS for animal cruelty—I mean, child abuse.
Yesterday, DH finally admitted, with a long-suffering sigh, “My kids are lemons.”
It’s tragic for any parent to say that about their own children, and while it’s heartbreakingly true, I can’t help but feel a certain hardness in my heart about it. Why? Because for years, whenever I pointed out their bad behavior, I was met with the same excuses:
“They’re just kids!”
“They don’t know any better.”
“I must fix them… I’m doing the best I can.”
“You need to stop! You don’t like my kids.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about because you aren’t a parent.”
And on and on it went. Every excuse was thrown at me, every attempt to invalidate my observations, all while the “lemon kids” continued their shenanigans…until….PAS took them away. Thank the heavens!
I estimate that, after a few more years—if DH manages to keep his Rose-Colored Daddy-in-Denial glasses off—I might finally be able to retire from this job.
Why does it fall to the step
Why does it fall to the step parent to highlight the truth? The dysfunction was already there and you played them well. I think any of us who made this move did it out of a desperate attempt to make it go away. Only time will tell if it made your life easier but I rather enjoyed your story too. It was too easy to set that drama triangle off and watch it explode. Facts are facts. We need them more than we want to admit or accept.
Thank you for your kind words
Thank you for your kind words!
I’ve been trying to figure out for a long time why it’s so often the stepparents who are the ones sounding the alarm.
We do not have the genetic rose lensed glasses of self-delusion.
Breeders see their children as special even when there is nothing special about them. I do not have any BK's so I can't speak from the perspective of someone who is.
However, procreating is a biological function that every human on the planet can take the actions of initiating. Not all are successful even when they want to be. But. it is a basic biological function. Nothing more, nothing less.
I love kids. I truly do. However, not all kids are parented equally and the ones who lost the parent lottery and are ill behaved spawn, I do not love and often can't tolerate at all.
Not all "breeders" see their
Not all "breeders" see their children as special.
There are those who know better, but don't want to make waves because PAS is already an issue and they don't want to add to it for fear of widening the gap.
True.
There goes my usual no gray perspective. I should say, "far too often.....".
Thank you for your kind words