Just last weekend DH and I finally had a night out together and we calmly discussed his daughter's troubles (chatting online with men twice her age, sending naked pictures of herself online, disrespectful to teachers, failing half her classes, ditching her tutors..the list is endless) DH and I grew up in the 70s when bad behaviour was dealt with swiftly and there was no room for misinturpetation. We respected our parents..they were never our 'friends'. We only get her one weekend a month (her choice) and BM is too concerned with being a cool mom than actually parenting her.

This child is lazy, manipulative, disrespectful to me (when daddy isn't around) and one of the most self centred children I've ever met. (and I work with children!) The last year, she and I have not had an easy relationship. She lied about me to her dad and it almost ended my marriage until he saw what she did. I have never received an apology from her, nor at this point would I accept it since her words mean nothing.

Until recently DH worked on Saturdays and it was just her and I at home. He would tell me not to worry about being the heavy, put my foot down and be firm when required. Easy to say when he's at work not dealing with this brat. But I did and while I resented having to be the one to make her do her chores (pick up after herself) and homework, I did not back down to her.

Recently SD has told her dad that she doesn't like coming to visit us because she's 'always in trouble'. Every visit we try and plan something to do with her, even if it's just a movie, but if there is a behaviour issue, then we just stay home. We told her that her bad choices would not be rewarded at our house, even if they are ignored at her mom's. Needless to say this has led to some very long and stressful visits with her helping with yard work or extra chores.

Then on Saturday DH says out of the blue...'I'm f'in tired of being the heavy all the time! From now on unless the bad behaviour happens here, there will be no consequences from us. Why bother? She doesn't get it at her mom's house? I just want to have a good relationship with my daughter and have her want to come here!'

I lost it. No way is this spoiled brat getting a free pass in MY house. I reminded him of the year+ that I had to be the heavy while he was at work and now that he's here with her for the full weekend, he doesn't want to deal with it? After 10 minutes of screaming back and forth at each other he ended the conversation with. 'She's my daughter! This is my call!'.

He could not understand that while I thought this idea was horrible, I was more offended that he made it without talking to me and he had a 'put up and shut up' attitude about it.

I told him that if that was the way he was going to parent her, fine. I will no longer be helping with homework. I will no longer arrange visits with my nieces (who she loves spending time with) for her. I will not attend any of his family functions when she is with us because I REFUSE TO PLAY BIG HAPPY FAMILY ANYMORE. I am tired of bending over backwards to save this ungrateful brat from herself. He said that he and his daughter were a package deal and if I was shutting her out, I was shutting him out too. I pointed to the door. I will not support his choice to ignore her bonehead choices in favour of him being a false hero.

I left the room and within an hour, he had cleaned the house by himself, started dinner and apologized for not discussing this with me beforehand. We have her again in 2 weeks. Time will tell if he decides if he wants me a co-parent or deal with this train wreck waiting to happen on his own.