Ok, I'm really trying to see my boyfriend's point of view here and understand so I'm hoping some of you bio dad's out there can help me. First let me give you the back story: My BF and I have been together about a year. He's divorced four years now and me two. We have a total of three kids: I have one boy (9 yrs), he has a boy (8) and a girl (6). He has his kids every other weekend. My son lives w/us & goes w/his dad every other weekend. We have all 3 kids one weekend and then none the next. The ex's are fairly decent, no real issues there. His kids really like me and I like them. My BF likes my son (I think) but is a bit reserved in bonding with him. The kids get along ok. They two boys get along great, actually, and the girl sometimes gets along with them. They fight here and there but I see it as normal and expect it sometimes. Anytime you get more than two kids together someone's going to get left out or fight here and there. I call it the 'rule of 3's'.

Anyway, here's the thing, my BF, I think has some issues with regard to his kids. I really love the man dearly and I know he adores his kids and is a good father but when his kids are here, things get real funky sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect my BF to be the same when he's in Dad mode than he is when not. I step back and don't ask much of him (time, attention, etc.) when his kids are here. The thing is that my BF is sooooo possessive of his kids. He's terribly jealous of my relationship with his daughter - she always looking for me, asking me to play with her, and wants to spend time with me and go places with me, but she spends lots of time with her Dad too and I defer to him often with her. It's obvious she adores him. My BF is also jealous of our son's relationship and feels like he doesn't get enough time with his son when here because my son takes all his son's time. They are 8 & 9 year old boys! Of course they are going to want to hang out! And the last jealousy issue is that my BF is jealous that I have primary custody of my son and that he doesn't have that with his. Not that his ex won't let him see the kids more, she will let him take them almost anytime, but my BF's work schedule won't permit it. He works two jobs (6 am - 8 pm) to pay child support. I've tried to help him see his kids more offering to watch them while he works so he can see them when he gets home and such but each time we do that he gets jealous that I got to spend the day with his kids and he didn't. He feels like he missed out.

I've tried to think of every which way to combat this jealousy and eliminate it. I give my BF tons of space. I make sure that I take my son somewhere or make some plans on their weekends so that my BF gets time alone with his kids. I'll watch two of the kids if he's going somewhere so he can take one of his and have some quality one on one time with them. I try to help him, like I said above, get to see his kids more often. When we are all together I try to make sure that his daughter and I don't get too clingy together and she gets time with her Dad. The issue is that it seems to me that no matter how much time I try to give him with his kids alone and without us (me & my boy) it never seems to be enough! It's like he wants his kids ALL to himself and wants to keep everything separate. He won't let the boys share a room, even though they want to and the daughter wants her own room - he insists his son and daughter share a room. He won't let me do their laundry and usually wants to do all the cooking for his kids. It's like he doesn't want our families to blend at all and I don't understand that. He says he loves me wants to be with me and such but when it comes to the kids he seems to want to keep it all separate. Nowadays I find myself trying to blend into the woodwork when his kids are here. I feel like he doesn't want me here, and like I don't exist to him. I actually feel like he goes out of his way to avoid me entirely when his kids are here and it's very hurtful.

This weekend, for example: The kids came late on Friday evening, about 9 pm. That wasn't too bad (first night usually is decent) and they were off to bed at ten. My BF gave me the obligatory walk in the door kiss but other than that - nothing. He went to bed with his daughter (he still has to lay down with her to get her to sleep), then came out and silently watched some TV with me. Normally when the kids aren't here, he'll grab my hand or put his hand on my leg or something but he didn't. I had to work in the morning so went to bed. He fell asleep on the sofa and never came to bed. I was gone all day on Saturday so he had the kids to himself. My son wanted to stay (not go with his Dad) and my BF agreed to it. When I got home my BF was clearly not too happy. He said he was really bored. We sat on the sofa together and the kids were doing their own thing out of the room entirely. I rubbed his back a bit and tried to show him some affection thinking maybe if I did so he would return the gesture but he didn't. He didn't touch me at all the entire evening. He went to bed with his daughter and fell asleep in her bed. Again he never came to bed. Sunday was rough. The kids were fighting and that always irritates my BF. I try to tell him it's natural and they are kids and not to get to wrapped up in their drama, but he can't seem to help it. He always seems to think he has to protect his little girl from the boys and always blames them when a fight erupts. He babies and favors his daughter even over his own son at times and it's frustrating to me. I get the whole daddy/little girl thing and I'm ok with that, but I think he takes it WAY too far. So once again on Sunday he didn't touch me at all. He helped me to fix something the kids broke and I actually felt a bit better, like we had connected on some level and I thanked him for the help and kissed him hoping that would soften him up but it didn't. Not only did he not touch me he didn't speak to me and avoided me most of the day. I know he was upset because I wouldn't yell at my son every time his daugther came whining and tattling about something he "did" to her (i.e. he hurt her feelings, he won't give her a toy, won't allow her in the fort). If I thought he was really hurting the girl I'd do something about it for sure. I'm not above discipling my child, but really, all the daughter was doing was looking for excuses to tattle to get attention from the adults. She knows if she tattles, Daddy will yell at the boys (whether they are at fault or not) and carry her around for a half hour like a baby while she carries on. Now I don't really tell him how to parent his kids. That's not my place and I feel like if he wants my advice he'll ask for it. I think he's kids more harm than good in favoring and babying the daughter and I've mentioned it to him, calmly and gently, but if that is what he wants to do I feel it's not my place to say either way right or wrong. However, I personally refuse to parent that way or treat his or my kids that way. If the daughter tattles to me about something silly, I will first tell her to talk in her normal voice (not whine), listen to her and then divert her attention elsewhere. Anyway, I couldn't wait for the kids to go home on Sunday and breathed a sigh of relief when they left. So he came home and suddenly was back to the BF I know. It was like someone flipped a light switch, honestly, he was affectionate, holding my hand, talking with me and being the man I know and love. I don't get it. Like I said, I don't expect him to be all over me or have as much time for me when the kids are here and I am soooo ok with that, but I also don't think he should completely ignore me and act like I don't exist!

So sorry this post is so long. Just wanted to explain it fully. My main question is are there any Dad's out there that have similar issues or feel similar to how my BF feels? Any BF's out there with these jealousy issues and such? Have you been able to fix it or work with your BF/SO on it and make it better? I'm not interested in leaving my BF on account of this and although it is a bit odd and he very well may benefit from counseling, it's not something we can afford right now. I need to understand the whole daddy/daughter thing better, I think so any advice from the men out there would help. So what do you think?