Boyfriend Favors & Babies his daughter
I'm having a hard time dealing with how my BF parents his daughter...he babies her terribly and although she is 6 he treats her like she is 3! She's a cute little girl but the way he is with her makes it very hard for to like her (but don't get me wrong, I do like her).
My BF and I both have sons that are 8 & 9. The boys get along REALLY well, but the daughter doesn't really get along with the boys or the boys with her. The main problem that I see is that my BF favors his daughter & always takes her side when the children argue. My BF's son is very angry with his sister because he feels she always gets her own way and he always gets blamed for everything. Now these boys aren't perfect, that's certain, and they do sometimes antagonize the daughter and such, but I've seen her instigate things very often too. She hits and kicks the boys and when they react they get in terrible with my BF. Even when she starts it, his daughter goes running to Daddy crying & he immediately jumps on the boys. The daughter cannot stand up for herself at all because she always comes whining and tattling to the adults, over, often silly things. For example the boys might say, "Dora is stupid" and the daughter will start crying and whining and run to us. I will usually tell her to ignore the boys etc and try not to side with any of them in an arguement, but my BF will always tell the boys to stop and then the daughter, knowing she has an adult on her side will start saying, "yeah, stop it" and so on which infuriates the boys even more. A few weeks ago when the kids were fighting a bit my son was looking for the girl (he couldn't find her in the house - she was hiding). I asked him why he was looking for her and he didn't answer but next thing I know she was screaming bloody murder. She was hiding behind a door & had her fingers in between the door jam and door. My son didn't see her there and shut the door on her finger. I felt horrible that it happened but it was an accident. Although he didn't say anything I could tell my BF was livid with my son & thought he did it on purpose. That same weekend the boys asked the girl to play Nerf guns with them. She didn't want to but I told my BF how sweet it was that the boys were trying to include her. He said they were just looking for a target and he often seems to have a negative opinion of the boys intentions no matter what they do. It really bothers me.
The other problem with this daughter is that I think she is somewhat manipulative. She has admitted to me that she knows Daddy will give her whatever she wants whenever she wants. She always has to be the center of attention and the moment my BF or I pay attention to the boys she gets right in the middle & tries to take us away from the boys. It really upsets my son because he wants my attention too! I've tried to talk to my BF about this. I've told him that I didn't think he was doing his daughter any favors in fighting all her battles and babying her. I told him that I felt it would be good for her to learn how to defend herself & I told my BF that I thought perhaps it was really upsetting his son and certainly not making his son want to protect and stand up for his little sister like my BF wants him too. His daughter rarely speaks in a normal voice, she usually always speaks in a whine. I nicely ask her to tell me in her normal voice and she will but her Dad allows the whining. The other issue I have is that BF seems to think it funny or cute when his daughter instigates the boys. The boys will be trying to watch TV or something and the daughter will come and dance in front of the TV or start doing something very disruptive in the same room and he will laugh. The boys get annoyed and tell her to stop but she doesn't and my BF doesn't stop her. Then a fight erupts and my BF comes down on the boys. When I mention this to my BF he just says, "but you have to understand she is and will always be my little girl." I understand that, but my goodness, she is 6! The other thing that bothers me is on a few issues he's really gotten on my son's case if my son and his daughter have a verbal disagreement. My BF will take his daughter's side, no matter what, and start arguing with my son like he is 8 years old. I will usually break it up by taking my son away and talking with him, but I have to say it really bothers me. It bothers me, particularly, because if I ever talked to his daughter like that my BF would surely be very angry with me.
This whole thing used to REALLY bother me, however, after a while, I resolved myself to the opinion that they are his kids and although I may not agree with how he is parenting his daughter and see huge potential problems down the road, it is NOT my place to say anything. I have now stopped and resolved myself to keep quiet unless he asks for my opinion on the matter, however, I must say it is frustrating and does create some tension between us when his daughter is with us. I feel really bad for his son, which I know he loves and does pay plenty of attention to, but it seems whenever there are issues he always sides with the girl and not the boys. In my opinion and what I do is not side with any of them. I usually just try to help them work it out without blaming anyone and try to get the daughter to own up to her part in the disagreement, if and when I can, however, I can tell he really doesn't like that much.
I guess what I'm asking is if anyone else has had this problem and how they were able to work through it? Don't get me wrong, unlike a lot of people I don't dislike this little girl. She really likes me and I like her. What I don't like is the way she manipulates her Dad and the way he allows it, babies and favors her over even his own son. She is, for the most part, a good sweet little girl, and when I have her one on one she is just such a cutie, but unfortunately, it seems the adults in her life have taught her that she can do anything and get away with it and I just don't agree with that.
Well all I can say is...I
Well all I can say is...I feel sorry for you. I have dealt with a SD17 for 6 years who is a result of being treated like that. It is really not nice. Watch because she may like you now but as she gets older, if she ever feels that you are interferring with the way her dad treats her, she won't like you so much and its very likely that she will let you know. My SD13 has told so many lies to daddy about me because she needs to feel that daddy feels sorry for her and 90% of the time it starts a massive fight. He is only recently starting to see exactly what she is doing. As for SD17, he still thinks she is so perfect even after getting knocked up at 16 and contracting an std and then lying to him about it. She is just so completely perfect in his eyes. he told me once that i was jealous because my kids wouldn't be as smart as SD17...yep its not fun
RUN NOW!! Seeing that your BF
RUN NOW!!
Seeing that your BF is favouring one over the other, change the word "children" to "daughter"
1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)
2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?
3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habis, eating habits, bedtime habits?
4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)
5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?
6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?
7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern
8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?
9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?
10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?
11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.
OMG, this list is scary. He
OMG, this list is scary. He fits way too many of these....
1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)Yes, they rarely stay in their own beds alone all night!!!
2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep? Every time they are here and he no sooner gets up thinking 'princess' is asleep and she's calling him back to lay with her again usually for the night.
3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habis, eating habits, bedtime habits? Hygiene is decent, the eating habits? Well they eat constantly but rarely eat a full meal. They are allowed to snack constantly and the daughter often says she wants food or drink just to get your attention if you aren't giving it to her fully.
4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him) This one's funny. He's actually jealous of the relationship I have with his kids, believe it or not. I like them and they like me and he's not thrilled that his daughter always wants to spend time with me doing 'girly' things.
5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?
Many times, yes. I mean he does say no but more often than not he gives in and uses the fact that he only sees them every other weekend as an excuse for that.
6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?
7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern
Actually he goes the opposite and asks me if I want him to move out. I don't, I tell him, but I want to work through the problems as they arise and communicate. He sees any form of communication as "fighting" which it's not, we talk and never yell at one another. I've told him and he's now coming to realize that blending families is not easy and there are bound to be bumps in the road that need to be addressed and dealt with.
8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?
To some degree. They are VERY demanding which I'm not used to because my son is very easy and not demanding at all but I'm usually wiped out after a weekend with his kids because they are constantly wanting us to get them this or that, do this or that with them or entertain them. It's not just Dad though and they don't freak when Dad isn't around, it's just they want the adults attention all the time, especially the girl who is on me 24/7 to play with her. I do play with her but I can't do it all the time and sometimes it makes my son very jealous so I have to spend time with him too but she tries to pull me away constantly.
9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?
They are pretty good in this respect, although the girl sometimes gets Daddy to do things for her that she can do on her own. But she dresses herself, ties her shoes, takes her bath with some supervision and such so this on itsn't that bad.
10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?
Yes, especially the daughter. She still can't ride a bike or swim and he seems very concerned by it. It took a while for my BF to even let me take his kids anywhere and it wasn't until I questioned him and asked if he trusted me that he let me but he still doesn't like it because he gets jealous and feels he's missing out on time with HIS kids when I take them somewhere.
11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.
No, this relationship seems decent (My BF and his ex) although I wonder sometimes if the ex isn't complaining about things and he's not telling me. I don't think this is much of a problem yet but the kids have mentioned things showing that the ex wants to know more about me (we've only met briefly once). The ex seems like a decent enough person and a good Mom. I worry though that the daughter is babied there too because there have been times when the ex has called very frustrated that the son is "being mean" to his siter and not listening but there are never any complaints of the daughter misbehaving.
I should mention that the son has ADHD. He's a good kid though. I've never advocated for meds for these kids but it's obvious his son needs them and you can definately tell the difference when he's on and off them. I have a problem with this as well. The BM gives the son the meds daily as prescribed but Dad doesn't like them or agree with them and doesn't give them to his son when he has them. As a result the poor kid is off the wall and then when he does get his meds he's sullen, quite, won't eat and acts withdrawn. I told him that he and the BM have to make a decision on the meds and either be all on or all off because this is really messing with the poor kid but my BF doesn't seem to think I know what I'm talking about (I minored in child psychology by the way and studied to be a teacher).
Wow...Auteur, did this list
Wow...Auteur, did this list come from somewhere, or just off the top of your head? And is there some specific meaning if most of the answers are "Yes"?
(I'm scared)
I was thinking the same thing
I was thinking the same thing as someone mentioned above. You may like her now, and she may like you now, but the frustration is going to get to a point where that dynamic changes if you do not bring it to the attention of your husband as to what the implications may be in the furture.
Entitled kids always come of worse in the long run. While parents assuage their guilt by being way too permissive, the children don't learn how life really works, and renders them socially handicapped for life.
Wow!!! Scary stuff. I have
Wow!!! Scary stuff. I have considered that down the road the daughter and I might have problems. I have thought about the fact that if this continues that when she becomes a teen she will not like me no matter how nice I am or how I try to step back to allow them to have time together becasue I'm another woman in her Daddy's life. I have a bad feeling it will happen. I also have thought into the future enough to realize that if this parenting continues she may end up pregnant, on drugs, etc. I tried explaining this to me ex, because to be quite honest, I was a spoiled, favored and babied little girl growing up. My father passed away a month before I was born so the whole family kind of surrounded and nutured me to the point of spoiling. I know what it's like to grow up like that and boy did I get a rude awakening when I was date raped at 16 and there was no family member there to "save me" and fight my battles for me. I also learned a hard lesson in life when I had to do for myself and things were not handed to me. All in all I think being brought up like that made my life soooo much harder. I've tried explaining this to my BF but he doesn't seem to get it at all. He just gets this puppy dog look and says, 'but she's my little girl.' Then he sometimes tell me he thinks my son and I have an odd relationship???? Hello???? I mean he's an only child but he's not spoiled, really. My parenting style is that I talk with my son and communicate and maybe I do treat him a bit more adult than I should but he IS more mature than my BF's kids because I never babied him. I don't know. I'm hoping we can come to some sort of a fix and it won't result in a break up or problems down the road but I see what you all are saying and it scares me to be honset but better to learn now than much later!!!
OMG, "But she's my little
OMG, "But she's my little girl" Sorry that makes me ill.
I think that it will get worse as she gets older. Being babied at 6 is one thing, continued babying in teens makes me furious.
yes, this is what I'm afraid
yes, this is what I'm afraid of. I know I was favored and babied as a little girl and I KNOW first hand what it leads to! It made my life REALLY hard when there were no longer people there to baby me, favor me, coddle me and stand up for me because I wasn't taught to stand up for myself. I've ttried explaining this to the BF, telling him gently and kindly that he really, although his intentions are good, isn't doing her any favors. He still though, can't seem to help himself where his little "princess" is conerend...ugh! It's starting to turn my stomach already!
Yeah, it may seem cute when
Yeah, it may seem cute when she is little but it will get PUTRID when she is oh, 15-16 or so. Probably before that, even.
LOL - it's already PUTRID! I
LOL - it's already PUTRID! I often quietly refer to it as the "love fest" when they get here. Just the other day they spent about five solid minutes where she just said, "Dada" like a darn two year old and he said her name and it went back and forth like that for a good five minutes, each of them gazing into each other's eyes like love sick puppies. I was, literally, gagging. Now don't get me wrong this would be cute and all if she were younger, but wow it's getting hard to stomach!
I got home from work today and we were sitting on the sofa conversing about our day. I was telling him about work and all. The entire time she was sitting on the other side of him, which is totally fine, and he was caressing her foot that was rested in his lap but he never bothered to touch me at all. It's these little thing that kind of make me sick you know?