Tell me if I'm the only selfish one!
My BF has 2 sons, one 3 and one 5. I have a 2 1/2 year old boy. At first I didn't mind them but now, months later, I can't stand the sight of them. They are the brattiest, whiniest, naughtiest little sh*ts you could imagine. He has them a week at a time. Lately, I have been going through hell trying to get through the weeks with them. I have lost my temper with them when they beat up on my son and steal his toys. My wonderful BF has noticed I have been crabby. I'm worried it's going to affect our otherwise perfect relationship. Recently, my BF has talked about having a baby girl together some day, to break up all the testosterone. We know we are going to get married so I know it's not a fantastical thought. But the thought of a baby with him irks me. CALL ME SELFISH, but here are my reasons:
1. I do not want my child to have the same last name as his kids, leaving my son the only one without the same last name.
2. I don't want his kids to think of the baby as their sister (or brother). WHY DOES THAT BOTHER ME????
3. I would like to enjoy a pregnancy and not listening to their whining and bitching the whole time.
4. I fear my BF would still favor his little demons over our baby. He favors his 3 year old over his 5 year old because the 5 year old was an "oops" from a one night stand. and the 3 year old was planned with his ex. So of course I worry he will still favor the little demon over ours.
5. I worry that my BF's parents wont love the baby as much as the other boys. They think those brats walk on water and don't see how naughty they are.
Am I completely losing it? In the beginning my BF said I am perfect and we are soulmates blah blah. But now I'm worried he will change his mind about me. But I can't seem to keep my emotions to my self!!
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Comments
When two bratty kids are
When two bratty kids are bullying yours, and yours is the littlest, I would dislike the brats too. I hope you're vigilant on not allowing them to beat up on your son and take his things. I would not marry this man until this type of problem is resolved completely. He needs to be getting onto those boys and correcting them every single time.
This is only going to get worse, not better. Do not marry him and for all that his holy do not try to have a baby with him until he respects the fact that he needs to have his kids keep their hands off your son and not bully him.
I would have a really hard time not laying into those kids.
You dont want to have a baby that those boys think of as their sibling because you cannot stand the sight of them, much less being related to them through their sibling bond with your child and your fear that the little demon spawn will dominate your household for eternity (which is what is going to happen if you do not get Daddy to open his eyes and correct the kids).
Read what you just wrote. If
Read what you just wrote. If you read someone else's post I would guess your reaction..like mine..would be to say..get the hell out now! It will only get worse. And no, getting married and having a baby with him will not make it all better!
I think your "perfect
I think your "perfect relationship" is anything but.
You have three VERY young children in that house, and it sounds like chaos.
Ageed... for all that is holy, do not try to have a baby with him.
Besides, it could be another boy. Or TWIN boys. ;P
We are thinking long term. We
We are thinking long term. We love each other and want to get married some day... no rush at all. And THEN have a baby. YEARS down the road. But honestly, my boyfriend is a perfect man. I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years (that's where my son came from) and my current boyfriend is the exact opposite. He doesn't sit on facebook all day long and chat with girls, he doesn't send pictures of his junk to other girls, he doesn't drink, he doesn't go out with his friends 5 nights a week, get the picture I'm painting? He treats me like I deserve to be treated. He is truly amazing. And I'm not willing to give him up over his dumb kids. My line of thought is... they are all very young, they have to grow up eventually right??? RIGHT?? It will get better? He runs a tight ship when the kids are with us. He punishes them appropriately, he doesn't let them get away with much and if he sees them bullying my son they get in big trouble. But it's just typical little kids not wanting to share, and pushing, etc. I do NOT want to give up on my relationship because of them. I'm sure my child is not the easiest to deal with either.
XTina, I read this and get
XTina,
I read this and get where you're coming from.
Please hear this.
Your "bar" for men is low, based on previous experience. It's like saying, well, my man doesn't beat me, so he's AWESOME! Well, no, not necessarily. There are plenty of men who don't beat who aren't "awesome." Raise your bar. ANYONE compared to a woman beater is going to look rosey. Well, maybe not a pedophile!
How old are you? I ask because you sound fairly young and idealistic.
Yes, the kids eventually grow up. EVENTUALLY. And if you're lucky. ;P
There are plenty of posters on here with issues with their skids well into their twenties, thirties, and even beyond.
Even IF they eventually grow up and move out/on, there are an awful lot of years in between. It WILL get worse before it gets better. Shoot, these kids aren't even school age yet...imagine the teen years!!
ANY family with that many young children is going to be difficult to manage. Add in the step stuff, and it's a recipe for headaches. It just is. It isn't right or wrong.
I'm 25, and I don't mean to
I'm 25, and I don't mean to come off young or idealistic
I may have put it out there wrong when I was describing my abusive relationship vs. my current one. My current boyfriend is truly amazing, I feel lucky that he chose me. He has a great job, is financially stable, mature, and he puts other people first. I was describing all the things my ex did to imply all the bull crap I put up with. I really did find a guy that's one of a kind. That said, I don't want to let the chaos come between us. Tension is high when all the kids are present. I get crabby and stressed. I'm lucky my boyfriend loves to cook so he takes care of the meals and clean up.
In the beginning I didn't think the kids would be this much of an issue for me. as far as my Boyfriend is concerned, everything is hunky dory!
Ok. Other than beating up DS
Ok.
Other than beating up DS and stealing his toys, what do they do that makes you despise the very sight of them?
BTW, some of that behavior, while obnoxious, is normal. You said your BF has rules and issues consequences for bad behavior. That is GOOD. I think it's pretty normal for a 3 year old (or even the 5 year old) to swipe a toy from a 2 year old and then bop him on the head. It's up to parents to teach children what is and isn't acceptable behavior, and it sounds like your BF is doing that.
At 3 and 5, they are SO little. Whining? Check. Bratty? Check. I don't think I've EVER heard someone say that a pre-school age child was mature and in control of their own behavior. ;P
UGGGGHHHHH I know they are
UGGGGHHHHH I know they are acting like normal toddlers but it's the constant whining. 'daaaaaaady I hungry' 'daaaaaaddy I pooped' all.the.time. They just annoy me beyond belief. Their dad gives in to every thing they want. They want a snack even though they didn't finish dinner 10 minutes ago? Check. Here's some cookies. Get real. I told my boyfriend I'm taking over food duties from now on. We have set meals where they have to sit down and we all eat together but I'm going to start monitoring snacks too so they get into a routine of snack time so they aren't whining all the time.
It's the fact that they are NOT mine that bothers me. Just like screaming bratty children at Target would annoy me too.
WOW it feels good to vent. I will admit, my son is whiny and stuff too but he is my own and it doesn't annoy me... most of the time.
Based on my personal
Based on my personal experience of deciding I knew best about everything, and wading in to all aspects of parenting, and ending up resentful because I'd taken on too much, and resented when I became the bad guy, the phrases 'I'm taking over food duties from now on' and 'I'm going to start monitoring snacks too' ring alarm bells for me. You point out earlier that it makes your life easier that your BF enjoys cooking and deals with meals and clean up, so let him. He should absolutely be the one stepping up and taking practical care of his children, and it will only increase your annoyance and resentment if you start to take over.
Other peoples children are almost always more annoying than our own. There just isn't that tolerance buffer that means the positives outweigh the negatives. It sounds like your SO is a hands on parent who is not afraid to discipline his children. Please appreciate that, because there are a LOT of divorced Dad's who shy away from ever raising their voices to their children, for fear of losing them, and are only too happy to let their new partner do the lions share of the practical care. If he gives in sometimes and is a bit soft about snacks that's not really the end of the world, it's his overall approach and principals that matter. Let's face it, sometimes we give in with our own children when we might not do if we were always following the do-the-right-thing code of parenting to the letter. If there are some issues which are really bugging you, like snacks, and are inconsistent between your child and his, maybe you could discuss a few household/parenting rules with a view to making sure things are fair and consistent? Your ability to discuss and agree basic parenting issues is actually a good indicator to whether you will be able to survive as a couple and a blended family.
You are so right! I do have
You are so right! I do have to start appreciating that he is actually proactive. But I figure if we have set snack times like mid morning and after nap or after dinner or whatever, then they know it's time for a snack instead of whining all the time. I agree with you and I'll definitely bring up these issues with my SO before it all blows up.
OMG, I couldn't agree more.
OMG, I couldn't agree more. Those same things stuck out like a bright red flag to me.
OP, this isn't a place where you need to "step in" and "take over" and control things. You AND BF need to COMPROMISE. He has no issue with the snacking thing with his kids.
You do. So what. If you try to force your rules on him and his kids, it will only end badly for you.
Like you said, your kid can be whiny and annoying, too, but it doesn't bother you to the same degree. Why not? Because he's YOUR kid.
That's EXACTLY how your BF feels about his kids.
Remember that.
And think about how you'd feel if BF was as annoyed with your son as you are with his kids...
He spoiis them and babys them
He spoiis them and babys them but when start acting up then he punishes them or when they whine he gets mad. Makes sense? Not to me either but it's just the way it is.
StickAFork and BoJangles have
StickAFork and BoJangles have given you some excellent advice, especially the part about coming up with some agreements on some parenting issues.
Sounds like you can make this blended family work as long as the two of you respect the fact the you and your BF's respective children mean the world to each of you as their parent.
The reason I joined this site
The reason I joined this site is so I can voice my complaints with other people who feel the same way. I'm not at home telling my skids I hate them and telling my bf I don't want them around. I treat them fairly and am not mean to them. I'm simply getting off my chest that they annoy me. Yes I know your own children mean more to you than anyone else's, yes my bf and I try to compromise and work together as a team.
Stickafork, I say I'm "taking over" snacks because my bf gives them snacks all day long. Anytime they ask, he gives. They want 10 cookies now and 10 minutes later? He'll do it. Is that healthy? NO! They keep asking for snacks because they know their dad will give them treats whenever. So my son sees them getting snacks all the fucking time so of course he wants snacks too. I don't want him to eat gummies and cookies and whatever else all day long so I feel like by me saying "we are having set snack times" will eliminate all the whining for snacks.
Understand now? My bf agrees that the snacking is out of control but he gives in so he doesn't have to listen to them whine.