Sorry - it's very long

Let me start by saying that a whole huge part of me is REALLY jumping for joy over his behaviour of late, as it has gotten SO bad that my SO (aka the doting dad) has had to acknowledge that his kid is a manipulative little brat! Yay. No more head in the sand, my kid is perfect!

BUT - the situation is, this child is very manipulative.

When we first moved in together (in January) he would do everything he could to come between SO and I - to the point of coming in to our bedroom constantly to try and drag his dad off to do stuff with him, jumping on him on the sofa if we were sitting together, interrupting every conversation, attempting to control the conversation at the dinner table to the exclusion of anyone else present ("Dad, remember when..." "Dad, today at school I did..") constant non-stop verbal diarhoea (sp) to the point the it didn't stop and eVERY comment was prefaced with "dad" so we were left in no doubt that we were not being included.

SO noticed and took on board that this was not acceptable, and spoke to SS8. These things have slowly improved. He is still an attention seeker, but not so pointed iykwim.

Lately the manipulation has changed. The last weekend (so nearly 2 weeks ago - they are due again this weekend) they were here he refused to shower. All the other kids showered no dramas when told. SS8 has suddenly developed a fear of the shower! (WTF - he has showered every weekend he has been here since Jan with no dramas!) We had a day out planned for the Monday with all the kids (my 2 bd's and his 2 sd and ss) SO was really annoyed with him, texted bm to see if he could take him home instead of out for the day with us as he felt that ss's behaviour over the weekend meant he didn't deserve the treat (the next day) but she had taken an extra shift at work so we had to take him with us. Round one to the brat.

This child is a very difficult eater. He uses food to manipulate. Refuses to eat most things and I feel SO needs to stop pandering to him (but the problem is the BM won't so what can you really do EOWE and every Wednesday?) I serve a basic meal when they are here as there is no way they would eat curry or stir fry or anything slightly unusual (to them - I find this really hard as I like to cook and be creative in the kitchen - sausages and 3 veg = blerk!) But this is what I serve when he is here (also burritos, home made pizza, burgers - things they can assemble themselves and have control over and WE still get some flavour and to choose what we have iykwim) Anyways.... (LOL) SO will even when it's sausages, mashed potato and 3 veg give him bread so he can eat his sausages in bread. Of course the little bugger eats that and leaves the mash and the veg... no brainer. Tell him to eat the veg etc first then he can have his bread - but SO won't do that. Also, this child had never used a knife and fork til we moved in together, never eaten dinner sitting with the family at the table. The first night he grabbed his sausage in bread and attempted to go and play (with MY kids toys) I said "No way!" Since then he has learned to sit LOL Still doesn't eat much though.

The latest manipulation, starting last Wednesday he refused dinner altogether. It was burgers. Point blank wouldn't even come to the table. SO was pissed again, but it gets him attention and SO spends an hour or so trying to cajole him etc. Then the little brat snuck into the kitchen after we'd all finished (to be fair my DD6 had eaten her tea and was still hungry so I said she could have a mandarin) anyway, next thing we see him eating one too - he had helped himself when she got hers. Yes I was pissed about that, as was SO. But we let it go. (We had decided to be strong and not offer him anything else instead of the tea he had refused - he is used to getting toast or something in place of whatever meal he chooses not to eat - not in my house buddy!)

So, they were here again last night. I made lemon chicken - crumbed the chicken myself, steamed rice and vegies and lemon sauce - optional. The kid loves nuggets, so I figured he would like it. Without even knowing what we were having he again refused to eat. didn't want to know what it was, not interested. Then he told my SO that his mum had said he doesn't have to eat what I cook - that she will cook for him when he gets home. SO was EXTREMELY ANNOYED LOL (SO WAS I) So, we all went and ate our tea, everyone else was fine, piggy sd11 refused to eat the veg, but had seconds of chicken (my kids don't get seconds til the finish what is on their plate but whatever) Then the three girls all got ice cream (personally sd wouldn't have had any as she didn't eat her tea - but I really wanted ss to see that he was missing out so I allowed it)

Eventually, AFTER I put the leftovers (including ss's plateful) into containers for SO's lunches the little brat came out and decided he wanted some. So out of the container, into a plate, heated up. He sits at the table and picks at it. Barely eats a mouthful then dumps his still full bowl on the kitchen bench. SO is beyond pissed at this point.

When he gets them home to BM he confronts her (nicely - he is not an aggressive or confrontational person but this needed dealing with urgently) and she point blank denies telling ss that, told ss off right then and there, and said he has to do what his dad tells him. I believe her (shock!) No really I do. I think the kid never thought he would be called on it.

The problem is - we have them from Friday afternoon to Monday morning this weekend, and then the school hols start here next week and we have them for 7 days straight (only a 2 week mid year break) We have activities planned for that week for all the kids - zoo, museum, scienceworks etc.

SOOOOO - what would you do? How do we make this kid do as he is told? He can't go 7 days with no food, and sure as heck is not coming out with us if he doesn't shower. Personally I would ignore the food thing - he eats or not his choice, eventually he will get hungry enough and do it. No pandering, no being offered other stuff, no snacks etc.

And as for showering if he were mine he would have been dragged in there fully dressed and put under the shower. (he had been here since the Friday night, played basketball on the Saturday and this was Sunday night - so he NEEDED a shower badly)

Quite frankly, SO is getting really annoyed as he can see what a brat his kid is being, but he doesn't step up and TELL the little sod off. After he got home last night I suggested he needs to have a serious talk with ss (meaning lay down the law - when in our house you WILL shower and eat) He said "yes, I need to ask him what is bothering him to make him act out like this" well, yes and NO! talk to him by all means, find out if something is upsetting him, but also lay down the freakin law!

Oh, I should add that for the first few months (up until about a month ago) SO and I were having issues reconciling our parenting styles and expectations. We have sorted this out and are now united and together and this is visibly different to all the kids if that makes sense. We aren't tense or fighting with each other, and when there is a problem we deal with it together so the kids all can see that we are a team. I think that ss has noticed that his tactics to come between us haven't worked and that we are stronger than ever, and that his behaviour lately is more down to that.