How do we deal with SS9 and SD12 in this situation?
Long - sorry.
Ok, so we finally got our people mover last week, yay, now when we all go out together it is in ONE car. Much nicer than OH and skids in his car and me and dd's in my car!! Always made it feel like separate families.
Yesterday dd9 had a birthday party to go to about 1/2 an hours drive, BM lives 15 minutes further on from there. We decided to take the other 3 (ss9, sd12 and dd6) to a play centre while dd9 was at the party, then take her back to the play centre for a while then drop the skids straight home to BM. Time and fuel wise it was just the easiest way, rather than OH dropping the girls and I home here, then driving 45 minutes there and back to take skids home when we were so close already.
SD12 talked to her mum on her mobile about half an hour before we left the play centre (innocent I am sure, just telling her where we were and what they were doing) I think BM put together in her head that we couldn't get home AND back to hers from the time of that call to drop off time!
When we pulled up outside the house there she was... (never met her before, she is NOT happy that "HER" husband has moved on with me, I am trying to "steal" her kids {fuck off - like I want those little brats!})
SO reverses into the entrance of her driveway, so we are almost still on the road. SS9 says "oh MUM doesn't look happy!"
SO gets out to grab their bags, SS starts getting his stuff together. I am looking straight ahead as I do not want to see her. Next thing my door is ripped open...
I turn to see what she wants (nothing good! LOL) She starts screaming at me to never come to her house again, how DARE I etc. I tried to close the door but she was holding it, I said (quietly) "Excuse me, Please let go of the door you are scaring the children" She let go but continues ranting at me about how dare I tell het off to scaring the children, she knows ALL about me and how I yell and swear at her kids and scare them etc, I am to stay away from her kids not allowed near them blah blah blah (missed the rest as I slammed the door shut, she continued yelling through the back sliding door, something about tell OH something or other and the word court.. During all this ss9 had grabbed his stuff and opened the back door, he slammed that shut mid tirade (he loves my dd6 to pieces and I think wanted to protect her to be honest)
Well poor sd12 is still in the very back seat!! I turn around and she is looking all confused, I say don't worry, it's all okay, everything will be fine, don't let it upset you, mum's just a bit cross. She says "oh I was asleep, I saw nothing" gathered her stuff (she deals by NOT dealing IYKWIM?) I said see you Tuesday, don't worry. She was all nice and fine and got out, went straight into the house. (more on this in a minute)
Meanwhile OH has taken all their stuff up to the door. BM and SS9 (who is in tears) are up there with OH, BM is still ranting, I cannot hear anything, but OH looks really pissed! SS is talking too. (can see but not hear) My girls are upset and asking me what was said etc. I calmed them, OH came back to the car, we left.
Turns out what was said was ss9 hates me as I am horrible to him and sd12, she spends all night after OH drops them off hearing about how horrid I have been, all the nasty things I have said and done to her kids, swearing at them and telling them off all the time for no reason and just being mean not letting ss eat etc, while OH stands by and lets me and prefers my kids and does everything he can to look after my kids while neglecting his own, how he lets me be horrible to his kids while he is never mean to mine (blah blah blah) SS9 (the little bastard - god I hate that kid right now - note that I do understand why he is telling her this crap though) is standing there agreeing and saying it's all true etc.
OH basically tells her to stay out of his life, her opinion doesn't count for anything, to shut up and leave us alone, and that the ONLY time he will speak to her from now on is regarding the kids and she is to shut up about us and our life. (go OH!) I get the impression he also said that the stuff ss had been rabbiting on about was all garbage.
OK. so the issues are...
We can ignore BM and her ranting, she's done it before, no problems, she does not exist in my life IYKWIM? I wil not change my behaviours to accommodate her crazy. If on occasion I need to be in the car when he drops off or picks up I will be and she can fuck off back into her box.
BUT - how do we deal with the skids?
SS9 - and his lying - ok we get that he goes home and she pumps him for bad stuff, and he knows what she wants to hear, he knows she hates me and even though we are developing an ok relationship he throws me under the bus to make her happy. He is doing what he thinks his mum wants, and also he gets attention and is told by her that the things he may have been told off for (for the record I have told the kid off maybe 3 times in 7 months - one for consistently leaving the toilet door open when he is in there - that was the only time I yelled at him!! Because I do not want him exposing himself in front of my dd's and I did ask nicely for him to shut the door about 6 times first!) Anyway, OH has stepped up lately and he is the one disciplining ss, he is the one who won't let him eat chocolate spread sandwiches for tea and not have a treat if he doesn't eat etc. But I am being blamed anyway. BM however hears all this and because she wants to get at US tells ss we are wrong, so - HOW DO WE DEAL WITH THIS? HOW DO WE TELL HIM THAT IT'S NOT OK TO SAY THESE THINGS ETC? ANY ADVICE APPRECIATED (WHEN I SAY WE I MEAN OH AS I WILL NOT BE PART OF THE CONVERSATION)
SD12, this one is trickier I think. She keeps things to herself, pretends everything is fine, but I am more worried about her. I know she wasn't asleep, I know she was upset. I know she is a lot more aware of all the subtle dynamics than ss9. How does OH deal with her? They are both VERY immature children, coddled and treated like they are prince and princess, mummy and daddy have served them all their lives, and they have little independance or requirements/expectations.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far LOL!
Well, in the future, stay out
Well, in the future, stay out of BM's drive. She can't do jack shit if you aren't on her property.
Second, I'd really instill the importance of honesty with the skids. Talk about consequences, but moreso let them know that people will stop believing them if they are liars.
Kids want to please their parents. SS may see his lies to his mom as pleasing her...she's WAY NICER to him than you are, kwim?
Good luck.
Ok, not sure how things work
Ok, not sure how things work where you are, so I will clarify. Here in Aus the nature strip is quite wide, the driveway, footpath and nature strip belong to the council. Her property starts at the fenceline. Even though we were in the entrance to her driveway we were not in any way on her property. That bit is not the relevant bit. I had and never will have any intention of going on her property.
I am also not horrible to her kids. I tell mine off a lot more that I have ever told hers off. Mine have expectations, consequences and know that every action has a consequence. They know if they misbehave they will be told etc. The skids I tend to ignore a lot of the stuff I wouldn't in my own, not my kid not my problem. So they actually have it better here than my kids. My kids ask me why ss can do whatever and they can't and I tell them because I love you and care about the kind of person you grow up to be. Awful as that sounds. OH and I have different styles etc and that is what we have decided.
I do get that ss is telling his mum what she wants to hear, and that he gets love and attention from her for telling her this crap. But it is NOT because I am NOT nice to him.
I was married to a woman who
I was married to a woman who freaked out like that at the drop of a penny. Indeed insane and our kids jumped like bunnies for her.
Of course it doesn't matter where you are - if you can be seen you're too close although if you're in the far back seat she might not react. Carry a bayonet because you'll be cornered if she does.
Dad can sit the boy down and have a discussion about honesty but this really isn't about honesty its about survival - his survival by telling Mom what she wants to hear. The girl is doing the same coping but chooses to pretend it doesn't exist. The dragon is not spewing fire so its safe to enter the cave.
You two have the children a few days every couple of weeks and as a result have very little time to effect their lives. In the end Dad can have a sit down conference with the kids and speak in general about what happened the last time they went home and how they feel about what's going on. You're not a part of this of course, not even in the home having gone shopping so they know they can say what they want. Dad can reassure them that no matter what their mother says or does he'll do what he can which in the long run is very little.
Frankly based on my experience with this sort of person I don't have much advise. When it comes to this situation that woman has to be considered insane. Logic is worthless and the court system is helpless until some child can be proven to be having some sort of damage to their psychic - extremely difficlt although very obvious to anyone reading your Post.
I know it is not encouraging,
I know it is not encouraging, but I think you did all you can do and you have to keep soldiering forward. Unfortunately for us we chose the lives we chose... complicated and frustrating as they are, we chose them. All you can do now is be honest, tell the skids how their actions made you feel and wait it out.
Someone once told me that yes, you will deal with some fucked up situations while they're young, but if, and only if you take the high road at all times, which I believe you did by blocking out the psycho-bm and tending the children, the kids and skids will all grow up eventually and things will even out.
I know this isn't much help, but I doubt there is much more you can do.
Thanks guys. I do agree that
Thanks guys. I do agree that we need to take the high road and not engage. OH never does. Most communication is via text, he rarely sees or speaks to her in person. Most days when he drops them off he parks in the entrance to the drive, gets their stuff out and she is inside, she NEVER comes out... Hence why I think she was expecting me IYKWIM?
So we just never thought she would even know. He watches them til they are inside the door then leaves, no contact, no words.
She usually vents and spews her aggro via text (and LOL at her carrying on about MY swearing... I do say the F word sometimes but never in front of any of the kids - the language on this woman OMG...) OH always ignores those texts and just deals with the stuff he HAS to.
Oh well. I am just worried that he won't talk to ss about the lies and stuff. I do think that ss never expected us to know what he was saying, that he comes here and is fine and has fun and enjoys it. But he has to keep mum happy too so he does, and never realised it would come back to bite him.
Honestly, this sounds like
Honestly, this sounds like the EXACT situation as ours. It's uncanny the similarities. I just tell off BM. After years of her crap on my doorstep - yeah um no. Just tell her off and then ignore her. As for your SS - I would have to say disengage. My SS is a liar as well and tells these outrageous stories to the other house about me - mind you he said BM grills him for info every day until she gets an answer she's satisfied with. He said she is very jealous of me, and that's likely the case in your situation as well. DISENGAGE from your SS completely. And ignore the BM (after you've said your peace - don't be mute, I was and NO MORE). Stand up for yourself. And do NOT engage with kids that lie about you. I learned, you will too. Just let him be and let your DH do the parenting. I couldn't care less what SS says now, in my opinion he's just like the BM - selfish, ignorant, lies, completely self-absorbed with an over-inflated ego.