I need help with my stepdaughter
So I have three girls, they are 1, 2, and 15. The 15 year old is my step daughter and has recently come to live with us. Well about a year ago. When she first came to live with us I was so excited, she is such a nice and smart girl. Not long after she started taking things and stashing them in her room. Little things like food and toiletries, I basically brushed it off, told her she could use anything she wanted that she did not have to hide it in her room..it was for everyone. Not too much longer after that, she started stealing my make -up, and clothes and books, cameras and basically anything else I had she wanted. I try to let her know that I am here for her if she wants to talk to someone, I know it isn't the most comfortable situation, but we can make it work! I really do care for her and love her. Here lately even after she has been told to not take things that are not hers, she keeps doing it and also refuses to do her chores. She is a teenager and that seems to be normal behaviour, so we just ground her for a week and give things back to her each day. Well this last time I grounded her, and three days later she left while I was in another room with my youngest one, left a note saying she went to a friends. She makes smart remarks on fb on how she gets away with things, and talks to me like I am trash when she does not get her way. When her father talks to her she cry's to him, and makes him feel guilty, and tells him that I over exagerate what she does/says/ Now this is happening and I am still trying to make her feel welcome, but honestly I am getting to my breaking point. It has gotten to the point where my husband tells me to let it go every time I let him know of a problem going on, and says he will take care of it but nothing has worked. I have to have my clothes and everything else I don't want to go missing beside my computer desk in the living room so that she can not be alone with it..and that makes ME not comfortable in our home, this is my home too...I jsut really don't know what to do. I know my husband is in a tough situation. and really is trying hard to help her and make her stop these things, but I know he doesn't like to hear me constantly tell him that she has done this or that. She does not mind me, I told her tonight she couldn't go to a friends house and she went anyway. She also took an expensive jacket of mine to school and gave it to a friend. So much more I could say, I just need some ideas, or suggestions how I can put an end to this, and we can move on with our lives and try to build a nice family relationship 
He works from 2 in the
He works from 2 in the afternoon and gets home at about 1-2am..so he sees her on the weekends and the morning when she is getting ready for school. So when he comes home he does back me up, but it is just a bit hard for him because I am the one here most of the time. He does tell me that I over react and I feel like the only time I am talking to him now is to b!tch about something she has done, so I can see where that is a bit frustrating for him. I do think he needs to set boundaries and stick with them..I had every right to tell her what she can and can't do and no matter what he stuck behind me, but it is the face that she does not listen to me anymore..I am just at a loss...he really does try, he adresses it with her, he has taken her cell phone and has kept it over a month now, thank you for your comment, it means a lot to hear from ppl going through the same thing
My suggestion... Whats good
My suggestion... Whats good for the goose is good for the gander. Take things of hers. Show her how it feels to be stolen from. My SD used to do the same thing to me. It was like she was jealous of me.
I started laying down the law in front of DH... When Dad backed me the first time she went running to mommy... Then she was told by BM that I was right and she was wrong.
If you keep accepting bad behavior, you will get nothing but bad behavior. You as the mother figure in her life means you have to be her example. as hard as that may be. It is a rough road.
The other suggestion I have is do not let DH handle anything. The 15yo needs to respect you as well in that home. Tell dad the next time she steels from you you are going to call the cops. Usually one round with the police is enough to cure the sticky finger issue... You can also call the cops on her when she leaves with out permission... that is called being an unruly child....
I know that the police route sounds harsh, but she is at the age that she needs to pay the price for her actions. she is almost an adult.
TAKE ACTION YOURSELF. The more you let dad handle it, the less respect you will get and the more problems you will incure
Well that may be the only
Well that may be the only thing that gets through to her. I caught her shoplifting while we were out with my mother and sister. I told her it was disrespectful to us to do it in front of us (and just wrong to do it period) I told her she could take the shirt she stole and gather up a few of her favorite things and donate it to goodwill, OR I will have the cops escort her to the store to give it back and if they press charges she would go to Juvi..she said she was scared and didn't want to go to Juvi..so I think that would work.
well he does back me up with
well he does back me up with her..if I say something and she asks him he sticks to what I say...he doesn't really have a perfect picture painted of her, but he does think she is crying for help. When he tells me to let it go is when basically that is all he hears from me, he says he will handle it, but she keeps doing it. So I see where he is coming from also, he does back me up, but there are also very few moments he is really able to talk with her. He told her this morning about my jacket she took to school, and said it needed to be returned to me and there was hell to pay for it. I also think I am taking advice from all of you and also confronting her when she gives it to me(if she does). I will simply tell her, didn't your father already tell you that taking things that are not yours is wrong"? . Also I think I am going to tell her if she takes anything else from me I will call the police.
THIS is KEY: "I started
THIS is KEY:
"I started laying down the law in front of DH... When Dad backed me the first time she went running to mommy... Then she was told by BM that I was right and she was wrong."
You have to have biodad and to some extent, the BM on the same page or these skids will fall under "give 'em an inch and they'll take a mile!"
As another poster brought out in another blog, if the skid has ONE adult, just ONE, to take their side (stick up for the skid no matter if he/she is lying, stealing, assaulting, etc) ALL is lost.
All adults have to be on the same "team" to beat back the hard wired narcissism of the child.
A lot of us SMs on this forum have daddykins turning a blind eye to EVERYTHING. It's ok in their book to have their precious royal spawn steal SM blind, but SM is not to touch any of their spawn's stuff. And then the BM usually is another story; fully on the "child worshipper-my-Junior/Princess-can-do-no-wrong" bandwagon.
I like the idea of taking stuff from her if you cannot get daddykins to do anything other than look the other way and expect HIM to look the other way as well. If you hear the phrase "You're the adult here" RUN!!
Sorry to necropost. I'd be
Sorry to necropost. I'd be interested in seeing this thread: "As another poster brought out in another blog, if the skid has ONE adult, just ONE, to take their side (stick up for the skid no matter if he/she is lying, stealing, assaulting, etc) ALL is lost."
My SD13 has been caught thieving several times. The first time she was only 6, shoplifting from a store, and we told her it was wrong, but gave her the benefit of the doubt because sometimes kids that age really don't know the difference. Second time was when she was around 9, she was looking around for witnesses whist stuffing toys in her overnight bag at grandma's house, she got a stern talking to and had to apologize and return the stuff. Third time she had been given money to rent a gocart on holiday, but the gocarts were closed, and she tried ran away with the cash in front of her cousin and attempted to hide it.
Fourth time I caught her wearing my shoes, like I wouldn't notice?, and told her to put them back and not do that again.
We went to visit grandma again, and SD went thru her craft room and stole all her diabetes snacks. Grandma is tired of the way she "sneaks around" all the time, as am I. Fifth offense.
Then for months I would find my closet door open when I was sure that I had closed it, and things hanging off the shelves due to "gravity", my closet messed, but nothing missing for a while that I could tell. Then I found my shoes from said closet sitting by the front door, ruined. Princess Snowflake wasn't home at the moment, so I waited. Sixth offense.
A week later, a pair of my new boots, covered with mud, stolen from a box under my bed. Seventh offense. I threw away 5 pairs of her boots, 3 pairs of sneakers, and 2 pairs of her sandals, one of which was her favorite. She went ahead and took those out of the trash, and was forced to return them to the trash.
DH confronted her, and she claimed she would have asked to "borrow" the boots, but I wasn't home. So it's my fault she stole from me, nevermind snooping thu my things. He told her that is no excuse. So I tossed her closet, and came up with another pair of shoes taken from my closet. Which kinda belies her "borrowing" story. Eighth offense. DH told her if we even *suspect* she is going thru anyone's things, we will empty her entire closet. I'm in favor of taking her door off its hinges. She has an expectation of privacy, tries to keep her door closed, but I have been randomly opening it, opening her closet, tossing things around, snooping. I'm sure the irony is lost on her.
A few days later she requested to be taken shopping and was ignored. She keeps giving me hateful looks. Methinks she isn't sorry for what she did.
Then I found a pair of expensive headphones on the front table that used to be in the drawer of my desk. I figured they were part of the initial crime spree, and just confiscated them. Ninth offense.
Thing is, her mom is a sociopath, uses her as cover for shoplifting, is constantly involved in con schemes, lies compulsively, tells her she is an innocent lamb anytime she does anything wrong. SD gets sympathy from her. I'm sure this time she is saying how mean I am for throwing her things away when she was only borrowing, and I have so much stuff, and I am overreacting. Her mom hasn't gotten prosecuted for anything yet, except one count of check fraud. She lives well on disability and every supplemental welfare goody she can get her hands on, while her boyfriend supports her on his income as well. No ill consequences for her.
There is no hope for this kid.
This is YOUR HOME, and you
This is YOUR HOME, and you should not have to feel this stressed in your own home. I assume it is having a negative affect on your younger children. They may not seem like they are affected, but even little children are sensitive to what is happening in a home. They are like little video recorders. If it gets too stressful, they will begin to act out from the stress. Then you will have three kids acting out to deal with.
If your husband can't seem to step-up and deal with his daughter in a firm - yet loving way- than you have to put your foot down. FIRMLY. I don't mean scream or yell at him, but just let him know calmly yet firmly that you will NOT put up with this any longer.
If he loves you, he should WANT to protect you from abuse(emotional or physical) from your stepdaughter. He married you, and part of being your husband, it is HIS JOB to make sure YOU are protected from abuse from his family.
Why is the SD living with you anyway? If it is to have some quality time with dad, it isn't working. It sounds like you are the one who has the primary responsibility to take care of her, and oversea her behavior, to discipline. I assume this is not why she moved in with you?
Tell your husband that the SD has to GO! NOW! She can come back after you and your husband have agreed on some rules, and you BOTH agree to stick to them. Then the SD will have to SIGN AN AGREEMENT that she has read the written down rules, and will go by the rules.
If she doesn't she is OUT OF THERE!
Good luck.
Well she was getting into
Well she was getting into trouble and her and her mother would fight. She says her mother was abusive, but then I hear she was harmful to her...They text and talk to each other like bff's. Her dad and mom split up about 2 years after she was born. We have been talking to her for a couple of years and offered her a place in our home. That made her dad happy so it made me happy. I really want to help her, but she needs boundaries. It is hard for my husband he really does try everything he can, it is just sometimes when he tells me that I need to let it go and let him handle it, that I feel a bit upset...I know he wants me and her both happy..we just haven't found the perfect way to help her yet...I just get SO mad..and that makes me mad at him for not slapping the sh!t out of her..lol I know he can't do that because she is 15, but it would feel better! I really care about this girl and we have a pretty decent relationship, but when she does the few things she does to irritate me, it is just too much.
Oh wow, one thing I am is an
Oh wow, one thing I am is an only child and you don't touch my stuff.
YOU tell SD she is not to touch your things. She can't use or wear anything. The minute she takes your clothes or another item, i'd march right into her room and take something of hers and throw it away in the outside trash. I'd tell her why i did it too.
" She also took an expensive jacket of mine to school and gave it to a friend. "
Call the friend's mother and explain that this was taken without your permission and you need to set up a time to come get it.
Don't touch my stuff!!!!
Seems like she's pushing
Seems like she's pushing boundaries with you. She's used to an abusive mother, and maybe that's what she knows as love from a mother figure. But I'm glad you've been patient, you're a really good person for that. The bottom line is that you're the adult, and you can only control what you do. So lock up your valuables. I know it's inconvenient in your own home, but you are still the adult, and you have choices. Children from broken homes have a hard time being good kids to non-biological parents, and include being abused in the mix, and you have a mess there. Just don't stress yourself out with things you can't control, and focus on what you can. I mean, sometimes even our own bio children will refuse to listen to you at some point.