Stepson/husband problems
The background is, I've been in my stepsons life for 5 year. Met him when he was 6 turning 7 years old. He's always been pretty quiet. As he got old he began playing video games and spending lots of time in his room. He's here 50% of the time. For the last few YEARS he's been very rude on multiple occasions to my husband, his father. Example, screaming that his dad is an "asshole" when he's being disciplined for breaking the remote to his video games out of violence. The discipline is having his games taken away for the day. He's very manipulative. Example- when he's in "trouble" he screams that he's going to kill himself and my husband quickly drops the arguement. (He is not serious about that as it has been addressed professionally..he, I believe, uses it to manipulate the situation)
fast forward to the present..he stays in his room most of the time. Comes down stairs to get food, keeps his face in his phone, does not acknowledge me ever, hardly responds when I talk to him. I used to try hard to get him to engage, I have taught him how to wash his hands after school and activities to avoid him spreading germs, I was the one to teach please and thank you, many things... His mom is pretty much useless. I have slowly become discouraged after all of these explosive rights he has with his dad in front of our two very young children. At this point I make his favorite foods for dinner, get his favorite snacks for school, and lunches, I clean the home and make sure I am here when he gets dropped off here but other than that I do not try hard anymore. I'm ignored by him at the dinner table. I am very busy raising my baby boy and 4 year old daughter while maintaining this home and helping care for my mother in law with dementia (it does not solely fall on me, she has aids who come here but her food shopping and her mornings do fall on me...breakfast, helping her get up and dressed) and occasionally throughout the days of the week.
my plate is full.
anyways, my husband and I got into an argument about this, again. He blames me and says that I need to try harder. I feel that his son has lacked a lot of decent dicipline and now has no respect for him which turns into no respect for me. I'd rather stay out of it at this point. Anyone have any constructive input?
Your H has the audacity to
Your H has the audacity to tell YOU to try harder? Well what the hell is he doing in all this as you are raising two young kids & dealing with a MIL who has dementia? Your H needs to get his head out his @ss and learn to parent, him not disciplining out of guilt is setting you up for a lifetime of misery. If the kid is threatening suicide he gets sent to Psych for a 72 hour hold. If he's misbehaving and being disrespectful YOUR H and BM need to get him help ASAP!
Instead of him twiddling his thumbs saying that you are not trying harder its HIS responsibility to care for this Gremlin. You need to voice your concerns and place your foot in his @ss because blaming you and not being accountable for his sons shitty behavior will not solve anything.
Your Husband Needs To "Try Harder" Because This Is His Kid, Not
yours.
You have 2 children with him, correct? That should take your full focus. It is entirely UP TO YOUR DH TO HANDLE HIS 11-12 year old son. Not your issue. STOP. JUST STOP DOING ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING FOR THIS BRAT YOU'RE DOING. The younger children will quickly take the 11-12 year old's lead, and start behaving in a similar manner.
So from this day forward, if anyone treats you with less than the respect YOU ARE DESERVING OF, YOU HIT THE BRAKES AND STOP IT ALL. They get nothing more from you. Not your meals, your time, your energy, your consideration...zilch...nada...zip.
Focus on yourself also. You can't take care of anyone else until you take care of YOU. The demands you have to meet with your ailing mother-in-law needs to be alleviated with full-time home health, and your focus is to be on your two small children, (which is draining enough) and that is something YOU WANT TO DO. This brat is draining you of everything, so you will be mediocre at best for those who really NEED YOU, your time and your care. Your husband is clearly enabling this disrespectful behavior. What about HIS SON? DOES HE NEED TO TRY HARDER?
I wish a Disney Dad would
*
Take care of you just your
Take care of you just your children and stop doing for your SS. I can understand helping in the care of your Mother-in-law - she doesn't chose to have dementia. It is a horrible, saddening disease, but your SS chooses to be an ass!
Thank you all so much! I
Thank you all so much! I really needed to hear all of this. As much as I feel like his bad behavior shouldn't be my issue to deal with, I was starting to doubt myself because of these ridiculous arguements I have with my H. It's Reassuring to hear from all of you!
Don't ever doubt yourself and
Don't ever doubt yourself and know that YOUR H needs to figure this out and do so ASAP! Don't allow him the opportunity to make you think that this is your fault and your responsibility to fix.
I think you realize that your
I think you realize that your husband is being unreasonable. It is HIS job to deal with his son. Even if you and your husband agreed that he would be the breadwinner and you would take care of the children and the home (and I have no idea if that is the case), you are doing what is required. You feed the SS. You're there for him. You don't have to love him or do extra for him, especially when he's allowed to treat you like shit. If his father wants that, he can do for him himself. Or he can whip his son into shape so that you don't mind doing more for him. You have plenty on your plate with two other of your husband's children PLUS his mother. I cannot imagine the exhaustion of caring for someone with dementia, even if it's only part-time.
Your husband needs to stop complaining about what you don't do and start appreciating what you DO do.
I would make dinner for SS but nothing special.
It's DH child. He's the parent he shoilf parent him. Noy force you to do it. You can't do nothing as long as DH plays games with his DS
Your DH is proving himself to
Your DH is proving himself to be a failed father as evidenced by his toxic pelvic puke of a prior relationship breeding experiment.
I recommend no more tolerance of this asshole child's crap. Put his game system Inthe driveway and ru. Over it with the car. Don't replace it. Shut off his phone and stick him in an isolated room to write 10s of thousands of sentences about his crappy behavior in order to keep him away from your own kids.