Covid19 and stepkids
I have been self isolating at our weekend cabin for the last 2 weeks to help keep my baby and 4 year old safe from the coronavirus and obviously to help flatten the curve. My husband has come up for the last 2 weekends and has been working from home during the week. This weekend he told me he was not going to come up for the weekend because his kids are coming and they want to stay home. I agreed and added that it's probably best just in case they are infected and not displaying symptoms, I don't want them to get kids sick whom I've been trying hard to protect during this. He quickly threw in my face that I do not treat them as I do my own and I need to start treating them as part of the family or he's done. This is the same old argument no matter what I do for everyone as soon as I speak up a little it reverts right back to this. I do a lot for his kids. The last weekend I saw them (2 weeks ago..before we really knew how severe this virus has become) I made them ever meal, cleaned up after them, played board games with one, the other plays video games and ignores us..I mentioned that problem in another post. But no matter what I do, this is the same fight, every time. This virus has me scared, I just heard about the infant dying a few days ago. I've been arguing back and forth with H all day. He's now insisting he comes up this weekend and that they are fine. Side note- I'm the only person who ever taught them to wash their hands and taught them any hygeine. They purposely have tried to avoid washing hands when coming into the house for years. They have brought many illnesses from their mother's home into our home. Any advice?
While he is driving to the
While he is driving to the cabin, you drive to the house.
Great idea!
Great idea!
He's absolutely ridiculous.
He's absolutely ridiculous. How does he interpret you looking out for the health and safety of all into anything more than that? What you are asking is completely reasonable. He is the one not being reasonable.
It actually sounds like he's a bit of a narcissist. I hate to throw that word around flippantly because so many do--so know that I mean it if I say it. It sounds like he's picking fights with you and creating issues that aren't there just so he can be "right." He's gaslighting you. Even if you do cave and comply with his crazy antics, he'll just find another thing to be mad about. Think about it--he was totally all about staying home until you put your two cents in. As reasonable as your two cents were, he simply couldn't allow you to be right and had to start a senseless argument about it so he could be "right."
If your finances allow it, I'd actually go find a hotel room to camp out in for a few days without disclosing the location to him. Cut off communication with him for a bit--that's what he wants--anything to get a rise out of you. Or perhaps stay with family or friends who have also been self quarantining. Take some time and consider if you really want to continue down this path with him. You might even want to drop back in at home and pick up more things for you and your kids while he's on his way up to the cabin (if he actually follows through with coming)--just to make sure you'll have a chance to get in and get what you need. Take the power back. Narcissists hate that.
Your children, his children--they'll all grow up thinking this is how a man is supposed to treat a woman, that this is how relationships work.
thanks for this. I've been
thanks for this. I've been thinking that he's a narcissist for some time now. It's good to hear it from someone else because he really makes me think I'm crazy sometimes. I wanted to leave a while ago, I've just been putting it off because I see how awful he is at parenting through what I see with his children that I'm afraid of him parenting our young kids without me there. (Sad, I know) Example, he ignores his daughter when she tries to talk to him until I have to get his attention for her/ tunes her out. She has become so needy for any type of attention. He has drank and drove with them short distances, since then he's stopped drinking altogether because I threatened to leave, I don't trust that he wouldn't start again and possibly put my kids in danger. His son has turned into a jerk..slamming things in his room, plays violent video games all day with no real consequences for anything. It's so hard. Basically I stay in this for my kids. It's not always bad with us but I know at the root of it, it's bad. I'll take everything you said into consideration and I'm definitely going to go to a hotel or back home if he decides to come here this weekend.
No, you don't treat them as
No, you don't treat them as your own, because your own kids LIVE WITH YOU FULL-TIME and we are supposed to be social distancing from anyone who doesn't live with us 24/7. It's as simple as that. If he can't understand why you're requesting space from them, he's either 1) truly doesn't understand the grave reality of the COVID-19 situation or 2) does understand but doesn't care about the risks.
You are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing. It's not a matter of whether or not you love, care, etc. about the kids. We haven't seen my dad, who we spent every weekend with, in 3 weeks now because of social distancing. It's the rules. If SD8 was at her moms for visitation when this happened and it dragged into the end of summer, my husband wouldn't dream of trying to take her back - despite the fact that mom only gets visitation in the summer and we have her for the school year. He would tell BM to sign her up for school lol!
Thank you! I think he
Thank you! I think he understands the grave reality but only when it's convenient. Which makes no sense, I know. He will talk about his scary it is, the death tolls, social distancing, all of it. But when it comes to his other kids he thinks I'm just not supposed to care and they're apparently supposed to be an exception. Ridiculous
He doesn’t seem concerned for your little ones
And I think that as you decide whether you want to stay with him you should keep that in mind. What he's doing is dangerous to everyone involved including your step kids. I complained to my husband about the conditions at SD's house- four kids who are in and out constantly, three grandkids who come and go and an adult daughter who works as a CNA. They all live with a grandmom who is on hospice and crazy BM still has her own four siblings coming in and out of the house to take care of the grandmom. Oh and they still go out for fast food three times a day every single day. He can talk to her via Skype until this is all the way over.
I say this to say you may not even know how bad things are over there. He doesn't either. Let those kids stay where they are. And let him stay where he is too if it comes to it.
This weekend he told me he
This weekend he told me he was not going to come up for the weekend because his kids are coming and they want to stay home.
And you agreed (for safety reasons), but now, he is going to bring them to the cabin just to spite you? What a prick.