BM CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY OUT MY PARTNER, SO SS33 WILL RESCUE HER
Even though she earns much more than my partner, BM is a spendthrift and has been unable to save any money to buy out my partner's interest in the matrimonial home on her own, so their eldest son will infuse cash in order to make the deal happen.
I am concerned as I was told that the home would be fixed up and sold when the youngest child moved out, which she did last month.
The roof has been reshingled this month and new windows were placed in the matrimonial home just last year, for which my partner contributed 50%. My partner also has been contributing 50% of the mortgage and taxes since he separated 15 years ago. Whenever BM runs out of money for the adult children's food, my partner gives it to her (ie. $50 here, $40 there).
I was told that the house was to be listed in April, but now a buy out offer is on the table. I think this is troublesome and am very concerned, but my partner of five years doesn't get it.
Please share your thoughts, and if a similar situation has happened to you or someone you know, how was it handled?
What exactly are you concerned about?
What exactly are you concerned about? If BM buys out your SO and the amount is fair, what difference does it make where the money comes from? You are not going to find anyone in a similar position as the one you find yourself in. Very few people separate for 15 years before they actually get divorced.
What is your concern? If SS
What is your concern? If SS wants to do this, then let him.
Your partner needs to stop giving her money for anything at all, except what he's been legally ordered to pay. Let her experience the consequences of her own over-spending.
As long as your SO gets the
As long as your SO gets the money upfront and not promised as monthly payments, I don't see the problem. Also, as long as his lawyer had dealt with all the ins and outs of the sale and agrees with the terms and conditions, it should be fin.
And I agree with tog redux, it's time he stopped financing ANYTHING for her. Dammit, they're divorced! She earns more than he does! She no longer has the expense of having others under her roof (who should have been paying for themselves anyway!).
Is the buyout offer based on
Is the buyout offer based on fair market value? If so, your partner will get what he would have gotten if the house was sold. It's irrelevant that SS is helping his mother or that BM will be keeping the house. If the buyout offer isn't based on FMV, your partner should refuse it or negotiate it.
If your concern is that your partner will continue to visit the matrimonial home if BM remains in it, then you've got different problems with your partner. If you're concerned that BM somehow "wins" by keeping the house after your partner subsidized it "for the children" for 15 years, or that she's being rescued and not pulling her own weight, that's not your concern and you're giving BM too much headspace. Worry about your partner and why he thought being halfway divorced for well over a decade, and while he was dating you, was appropriate.
Edit to add: I of course am assuming that part of the buyout is your partner being removed from the mortgage. If that is not the case, he should absolutely refuse the buyout as he should completely sever all financial ties with BM.
Excellent points, everyone!
I have read all your comments, agree with them, and want to implement them.
As far as I know, the buyout would be based on fmv, removing my partner's name from the mortgage and then from the deed, and adding the eldest son's name to both. The eldest son has excess capital to invest (he is a good saver) and was recently thinking of upgrading from his starter home to a more luxurious home, so he has the funds needed to pay the buy out and then some.
Is this an acceptable practice (ie. adding son's name) if BM cannot buy out my partner's interest on her own? Her credit is very bad as she racked up several "secret" credit cards during the marriage and currently most of her money is spent before it is earned.
Previously, my partner had repeatedly asked BM if she wanted to buy him out since she was living in the home, but she just cried and said, "Poor pathetic me; you know I can't do that." This is the reason that the divorce didn't start sooner as my partner didn't want to force the sale of the matrimonial home from out under them (BM and 3 SK's); something he believed would happen in divorce proceedings.
He was hoping that her buying him out could speed up the divorce process. When that didn't happen, he waited until he knew that the youngest child was within one year of moving out to start the divorce process and to make the house sale ready.
It is now ready, and a buy out has now been offered. I don't care about the source of the buy out offer. All money is green. Additionally, only within the last year or so has my partner's eldest son been in a financial position where he would be able to help his mother in this way.
My concern is the following, as stated by Rags:
"The problem with her keeping the home is that his kids, even when they are truly launched, will always gravitate to the family home and it will remain a draw for them and a point of contention in his relationship with his kids.
BM is using the house to manipulate your BF and his kids. If I were him, I would force the sale, end the myth of the family home, and put BM on her own path where she has less draw than she would have if she remains in the mythical family home."
My partner has clearly stated that he will not attend the matrimonial home for family events if BM doesn't accept the fact that my partner has moved on from her. Although his sons accept it, his daughters do not.
This would mean that my partner would be excluded from all events at the matrimonial home. He used to attend events there without me before I joined StepTalk and this forum gave me the strength to ask him to stop, which he has done. It was sure lonely those two years having to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas alone. My children were with my NEX and his parents on those days.
My partner says he's fine with no longer attending the matrimonial home, as just yesterday he treated his youngest daughter and fiance to a restaurant lunch after having not seen them for almost two years. He texts her regularly and invites her, so this is nice.
I don't want any malaise to arise between my partner and his eldest son, if SS33 puts off paying him or if the expenses that BM needs covered exceed beyond what was expected by SS33. BM has always expected someone to rescue her; first her parents, then my partner, and now her son. She will never accept responsibility for her financial situation. I just don't want the SK's to suffer and then they blame my partner even though the buy out was not his idea at all.
My partner states that he will stand firm and not give another dime to BM, but what if his son delays in paying him his rightful buy out amount? He won't take him to court to get it; I am sure of that.
And yes, this is occupying a lot of my headspace; apparently more headspace than it's occupying in my partner's head.
Your thoughts?
This can be done, but your
This can be done, but your partner needs to involve his lawyer to get it done right. Essentially the whole transaction needs to be done through escrow, where your partner transfers his interest to BM and SS by deed, BM and SS get a new loan and mortgage, the existing note/mortgage to which your partner is a party is paid off in full and released, and your partner receives his proceeds, all essentially simultaneously. If it's done that way, he has no remaining financial entanglement with BM, he gets his proceeds and there's no BS about SS paying him over time, the existing mortgage remaining, or anything like that. It would be as if the house was sold. If what they're proposing is anything other than that, your partner should decline to do the transaction. Just make sure the lawyer knows that your partner needs a release from the mortgage and his proceeds in hand simultaneously with delivering the deed, and that all financial entanglements with BM and the house are to end, and the lawyer can make sure the transaction is structured to get that result. It is totally do-able, he just needs to make sure that everyone is on the same page.
It would probably be a good idea for your partner to make sure that SS fully understands what he's getting into.
Yep. I think this is why a
Yep. I think this is why a clean break was recommended. BM is twisting this for control and your partner needs to make sure she can't do that to him anymore. He needs to walk away free and clear legally from this house.
Buy out offer. How about ...
Buy out offer. How about .... list it and take the highest offer. That is the only offer I would consider if I were your SO. If an acceptable market offer is received and BM wants to keep the house, she makes a higher offer to your SO than the market offer would provide him. She can refinance the mortgage to provide your SO with what he would get from an acceptable market sale.
End of story.
It does not matter if it is a market offer or a higher offer from BM/SS. DH gets his half, the home is sold to new buyers, and there is completely new mortgage that has nothing to do with your BF.
Personally... I would demand a full market sale that has nothing to do with the prior owners. I would kill the unicorn of the family home. Dead. Or... demand more than BM and SS can possibly afford. No doubt BM can't afford a total buy out. So that should be what your SO requires. BM can refinance and if SS agrees to be her bank, he can fight with her over not paying the full mortgage.
To make that happen, the entire mortgage has to be payed off and DH gets his cash.
IMHO of course.
Thank you, Rags and all the others for buyout advice!
The house is almost sale-ready and will be put on the market next month.
I am relieved that things are unfolding as they should.
Thank you again for your helpful advice and words of wisdom; it is really appreciated!
I will keep you all posted with updates.
What happens if this goes
What happens if this goes sideways? More drama.
All this fuss about "family
All this fuss about "family events" in the "matrimonial home"... In the real world, they tend to stop when the kids grow up, move out, and start their own families... and start their own traditions. it's time to stop using that as an excuse.
PS
Consider how many couples downsize (in relief!) when their kids leave home.
I beg to disagree, Winterglow.
It's no excuse. It's reality.
BM had been inviting my partner to the matrimonial home for every event (his birthday, kids' birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas) over the past 15 years of separation. (Please see previous posts).
When I joined StepTalk, I was alone for Thanksgiving and Christmas for at least two years since my partner spent these times at the matrimonial home and my children were with their paternal grandparents and NEX on those dates.
StepTalk gave me the courage to ask my partner to stop attending, which he luckily did immediately. It really bothered me each time this "playing happy family" occurred, but I rationalized that it's only a few days per year in the grand scheme of everything.
BM is still having family events at the matrimonial home, even now with all the children having moved out.
They have not yet started their own families but each child has adopted a furbaby (ie. dog) who visits BM on a daily basis with BM dog-sitting while SD25 and SD21 are at work, and on an occasional basis for while SS33 and SS30 are visiting for an event.
The same will occur when they start having children, as told to my partner and BM.
Thank you for your feedback, but it is not applicable in this case.
I think that was actually my
I think that was actually my point
That this family is the exception rather than the rule...
There is a level of co/inter-dependence with them that you seldom see nowadays.
That's an excellent point, Winterglow!
You are correct that it is the exception rather than the rule.
To be fair, as recently as two years ago, BM still wanted to get back with my partner. She moaned about him to their daughters, who were living with BM until last month. His sons thought it was ridiculous, but his daughters thought it would be nice. With phrases like, "Mom is nice; you'll see; please give her a chance", SD25 and SD21 simply cannot accept that their father has moved on, but their brothers can.
To his credit, my partner attends events at my house with my children and sees his children at other times (weekly with SS33, whenever SS30 is in town, and sporadically with his daughters). This has been going on for two years and my partner is firmly onside.