SD Only Wants Husband To Come!
I've been married for twenty two years to this man, and to be honest, I know I will get backlash for this but I got him to have an affair with me when he was previously married and his daughters were little. I'm happily married and so is his ex, but I do regret putting her in this position now that I have matured since those days but I do not speak to his ex.
This rather long rant is about my oldest SD, another rant will be sbmitted later for younger SD.
I've hated SD since the day I said 'I do' I've always wanted her out of the picture because she was so irritating! She threw tantrums if I said anything, she sat between us on the couch, and she wouldn't stop trying to parent my sons when they were little, they were four and she would keep telling them she was in charge because she was seven, and she would start telling them when and when not to play video games or so. I wasn't thrilled to have her, but I tried to live with her. She on the other hand wouldn't stop complaining abot me to her father. Eventually he stopped listening to her rants, especially when he saw her scream and call me 'Dad's new whore' or 'Side bitch' 'Not my real mom' and all sorts of hurtful things. I admit I was also creul towards her but I've since been silent.
Now SD is twenty four. We still resent one another, she still talks to my sons and husband but only goes out to dinner with them when I'm on a business trip and such. At eighteen she and her boyfriend scraped together enough money during university and moved in together. I've been living in peace since, I love waking up and knowing I don't need to see my SD. She always put a downer on my day, when she glares at me and spits up 'Morning' before leaving the house right away. It was quieter in my home, just my sons and husband.
I don't believe in kicking your kids out when they turn eighteen for as long as they are working and not mooching off of me, but fighting with SD was too much on me. Even DH didn't speak to her for about a year in.
SD is getting married in three six, and even though I don't want to see her exchange vows I know how much it meant to DH. It wasn't like we were talking to her that much, so I may as well show up instead of leave DH all alone.
BUT. She gave birth to twin boys two weeks ago. They're adorable, and were my motivation to get on her good side, thing is that she only wants DH to come by and see them. She refuses to speak to me, and when I talk to DH about it he tells me that he would talk to her gently so he doesn't lose 'grandpa privlages' but he says NOTHING to her! He just holds the babies and sends me pictures.
I'm ALSO the grandma, I should be able to see them regardless of being the second wife or not but she doesn't allow me, she doesn't even give me an explination for not letting me. She just says no. She's going back to being herself when she was sixteen, just refusing things without discussion. She's extremely stubborn and I KNOW that DH isn't going to talk to her because he still wants to see the babies whenever he pleases. Same thing with my sons, they're close to SD and can see the babies whenever. They don't give a rat if I show up because they themselves are a set of quads (My family is pretty known for litters, especially since DH is a twin) and SD just talks about how cute they are with their uncles and often teases them about being clueless babysitters when they sit around the baby. It's frustrating, I'd kill to be in the same room as the babies.
It's really funny
how an earlier post was about a stepdaughter with brothers who were quads as well. It is not okay to abuse a child. It is not okay to hate a child for simply existing. It is not okay to hate a child for things like bossing their siblings (which is normal) and it is certainly not okay to declare yourself grandma when the parents of the kids don't want you in their lives. She owes you zero explanation. They are her children.
My son doesn't allow his SM around either of his two young children. And why? Because she is hateful and has called him, his sisters, his wife, and the kids terrible names and made terrible comments about them. If they happen to be at the same event he isn't rude to her but prefers that she not interact with his kids. However, he has made it clear that my husband is very much an equal grandparent, despite being a step, because he has raised him as his own and adores the kids.
That's not why
That's not why I hate her, I hated her for throwing tantrums and trying to sperate DH as myself as a little girl. Resentment never stopped since then.
I do believe that 'step-granny' is still granny, I allowed my stepfather near my sons because he too was a grandparent. She could at least tell me why she doesn't want me around.
DH and I should be considered a social unit just as much as him and his ex used to be, it's all or none. I see no reason that he should be allowed to go without me.
She doesn't want you around
because you have hated her since she was little. And because she wants better for her kids.
Your husband is allowed to do as he pleases. He is an adult. He can see his grandchildren and if you are unhappy about it you can always leave your marriage.
Alicia- SD doesn't owe you an
Alicia- SD doesn't owe you an explanation and if she did....doesn't the history that you both have not show you that she wants NOTHING to do with you????? Does her actions not reflect that? Its clear as day that she doesn't want you involved in her life and that of her children in any way, shape, or form.
Are. You. Kidding. Me.
This post has me dead, had my stepmother's name been 'Alicia' this describes so much! My brothers were all the favourites of my stepmom, on top of that they were a set of quads. I've been scowering this forum for the past couple hours and I just see this post, it's hellish to even think there are more stepmoms like you and mine. You are like my stepmom, hates me because she just wants my dad and brothers. It's like a fortune teller, this sounds like you painted my future. You are one selfish homewrecker.
Regardless
I try not to play favourites, but you have no idea what it's like to stepparent as a stepchild. It's me who had to deal with tantrums and name calling. I would've tolorated her in my home as long as she was civil with me, but she wasn't. I don't go out of my way to ruin her life, I put my foot down when I think I should. Call me a homewrecker, acting like her when she was a child but I didn't know he had a daughter until after the first time.
You're joking, right?
You're joking, right? The first time? *dash1* You KNEW the man was married and you slept with him. You still are a homewrecker. I saw earlier that you mentioned your stepdad, so I'm surprised you don't even try to say anything about hwo hard it is to watch your family shatter in front of you, being thrown around in court, then being hated for no reason. No wonder why she threw tantrums, you wented to keep the game of hot potato in court because you couldn't handle being second best.
YOU broke a marriage, YOU wanted to throw the girl out of her house, and YOU now want to act like nothing happened. You are a problem, trying to cause problems. Lucky your step daughter is smart enough to not be manipulated and guilted into letting you see her sons.
Why would you want to be
Why would you want to be around someone who has treated you so bad?
It's not about her.
It's about my grandchildren.
It's not about her? It is.
It's about HER children. If I had a stepmother who behaved as you did there's no way that I would expose my little children to the potential hostility that you displayed toward her when she was little.
She was soooo young when her parents' marriage split - and it sounds like the ex was bitter about it - trust me no little kid knows the word 'side bitch' - that's on BM. You hated her all along. Maybe because she was a constant reminder of how your relationship with DH started - I don't know. Of course she would have tantrums - I'm not saying that wasn't hard, but you were the adult and she was the child with no control over the situation.
Now she's a young mother, with twins no less (I cant imagine!) and she has enough on her plate without having to worry about trying to manage you and your hatred. The fact is these kids are hers - they aren't yours and she doesn't have to do anything for you.
It's great you want to be a part of these kids' lives, but you need to go slowly slowly. Try being helpful. And one of the ways that you can be helpful is by backing off a bit, but offering assistance. She is a brand new mother with twins, she will be ready to get away from them - at least for an hour or two - soon enough - so that might be your chance. Bide your time. But whatever you do - don't insist on your 'rights' or that you're doing it for the kids. You weren't a positive influence in her life, why should she think you'd be a positive influence in her kids' lives?
They are not yours...WOW!
They are not yours...WOW!
SD resents you
because you broke up her parent's marriage and because you didn't treat her well. "I wasn't thrilled to have her, but I tried to live with her." She knew you didn't want her around and responded in kind.
You were never a "mom" to her, so she doesn't view you as a "grandmother" to her child. Let it go - there are women on this site who would love to have your situation. Let your DH see her when he wants to and do your own thing when he is gone.
They are not your grand
They are not your grand-children, just as she was never your daughter. She had no control over her life when, as a child, she was thrown into having you alongside the daddy who betrayed her mom- and now she has these boys she knows where her power lies and is using it.
My XOSD also gave birth to twin boys- I wish I hadn't been thrown so deeply into being involved with them. Now, I have no contact with them and it is great.
I am sorry you feel excluded from their lives after all these years but..live your own life, lady, and let them get on with theirs.
So, basically, You want
So, basically, You want nothing to do with her, yet you want granny status?
lol.
lol.
So...first of all...I don't believe this post. It's too convenient to have two stories about "quads" within 24 hours. It's basically statistically impossible.
However...if this is a real post...are you on crack?
Your SD isn't a brood mare popping out babies for your enjoyment. Those are HER kids. She is responsible for their care and for protecting them. You aren't a grandparent...and, even if you were, grandparents don't have ANY rights to their grandchildren. If your own sons decided you were toxic and shouldn't be left alone with your grandchildren, that's how it would go.
My sister has a mother-in-law (her boys' actual grandma) who says disparaging things about her and acts like she's incidental...this woman would say it's all about the kids, too. But guess what. Kids don't like it when you say nasty things about their mom. It doesn't matter if you're the grandma...you're going to lose in that situation. You respect the mom or you lose the kids, too...simple as that.
I'm tempted to agree with you
I'm tempted to agree with you on this because of the verbiage, "I got him to have an affair with me when he was previously married and his daughters were little." Stated right at the beginning too. Last time I checked, it took two people, agreeing parties, to have an affair and not just one. No one gets or forces anyone into an affair. ETA: This is more so the way either a man trying to minimize his role in the affair would state it, or a SK trying to minimize dad's role in the affair would state.
lol...right?
lol...right?
It sounds like a skid fantasy if I ever read one.
She 'forced' my dad into it, but now I've had kids and so I have all the power!!! It doesn't even make sense that a stepmom who didn't like her SD would suddenly want to be an involved Grandma. Maybe it happens...but seems highly unlikely.
Meh, what goes around comes
Meh, what goes around comes around.
Why not just go over to the woman's home and barge right in? Inform her you are Grandma whether she likes it or not. Then plpo your buns in a rocker and snuggle and coo at the baby. After-all, you worked darn hard to make sure this now adult woman hates you.... so just go all the way and rip the baby from her arms and take your, er, 'rightful' place as Grandma.
I should have the right to
I should have the right to meet my SGS
But, you don't have "the right". However, your SD has every right to determine who she wants around her children and she owes you no explanation (really, you don't know why?).
You admit that you have hated this girl since you said, "I do", why would she want you around her kids?
You cannot be this dense.
Why would you marry someone
Why would you marry someone if you hate their daughter? That was a mistake. This was bound to happen.
If this is as you say ...
If this is as you say ....Yikes…just reading your post I get the hebbie jeebies and would not let you around my kids either if I was SD.
If I was SD, I would tell dear old cheating daddy that YOU would not be allowed around my kids. EVER.
But that just me.
You can't have it both ways
You can't have it both ways-hate the SD but demand to be with her babies. You are not their grandmother; you're the grandfather's 2nd wife. SD's mother is their grandmother. If you want to be with those children, I strongly suggest you repair the relationship with your SD. If she doesn't want you, she doesn't have to welcome you into her home.
Good luck
Yeah, i think you're wrong
Yeah, i think you're wrong all around on this. I know its been a long time and I'm sure you've gained perspective and everything with time and age, but i think this is one of those things that you're paying the price now for your past indiscretions. She doesn't have to involve you at all. They are her kids. And you aren't the grandparent even though you want to be. My opinion is that the right thing to do here is to NOT do anything that would jeopardize your husband's ability to enjoy being the grandpa.... Don't get me wrong, he's as guilty or moreso, but he's luckily not being shut out by her, so if you love him, don't rain on his parade.
2 parts.
Ma'am maybe no one ever explained to you the following.
The bio parents ARE the gate keepers of their child. Refer to Troxel v Grainville if you need solid legal info.
Your husbands daughter and her husband decide who the child spends time with.
You should drop this. It is very clear your husbands adult kid does not see you in the same light that you see yourself.
It is unfortunate after all these years your step daughter has not moved past her pain of her parents marriage ending. In as much as you said HER mom has moved on...if so, one would think Mommy would have had a come to Jesus moment with her daughter. My guess is your husbands ex STILL has daggers out for you that your step daughter carries for her mother, in defense of her mother.
There is one way to fix this. Your husband would have to tell his adult daughter he will NO longer be in the middle of his wife(you) and daughter. IF another event takes place and you are not welcome, he will not attend. Also, if that means he will not see his Grandchild than so bet it. There is nothing more he would like is for everyone to set aside differences but he understands IF that is not possible. He will mail gifts and cards in the future. The ball is NOW in adult kid court. HE has blocked her from using her own child as a pawn unless she does it on her own.
IT is that simple.
Often times we make everything so complicated.
-----------------------------------------
From the beginning the girls
From the beginning the girls had a legit reason to resent you. You did break up their family. Then you doubled down by going tit for tat with young kids. They don't like or respect you and given their experience with them, their feelings are very justified. Whether you have regrets or have turned over a new leaf... it is entirely in these women's court whether they want to include you in their lives now.
However, while "granny" is in Step-grandmother.. you are not a stepgrandmother. In fact... I might even argue that at this point you are no longer a step-mother. YOu are their father's wife. You didn't mother them..(at least not in a good way) they are now adults and can choose to not spend time with people they feel are toxic in their life. In fact, children can choose to not spend time with their toxic biological relatives once they are old enough (18).
So, unfortunately you only have two choices. 1. let your husband enjoy his grandkids and stay home... or 2. demand he not see them without you and find that he won't agree to that... or he will end up losing access to his grandkids. and resent you for it.
Alicia, your SD knows that
Alicia, your SD knows that you are the woman her father was having an affair with. She doesn't care for you, never has and never will....the same can be said for you. Its a blessing that she now has 2 beautiful twin babies but why would you want to be a part of that if she has never shown you an inkling of interest, love, or respect? Her issue is with you and things were never great between you both so why would you expect her to want you around? You and her father had an affair, her resentment and anger is towards you.
Do yourself a favor and disengage and let this go. I personally would not want to be around anyone if they dispise me. In not letting this go you are hurting yourself.
Alright...
I've stayed silent for a while because I've taken time to really think about things. I haven't done that all these years, and I'm no longer angry with SD. I'm now angry with myself that I didn't think earlier. I do now regret it since I've been so close minded (And still am), but I realized she threw tantrums because of what he mother told her. I actually called her last night and it was the first time she heard me out. I know she doesn't forgive me and I won't be seeing the children but it felt better. My first therapy appointment is tomorrow, hopefully things change in the next few years. Since now, I have younger SD living with me. I know she will always resent me, but I haven't spoken to her for days. I've felt guilty and tried to stay out of her way.
It is a step in the right
It is a step in the right direction. I hope the therapy helps.
Good move. As for the
Good move. As for the resident SKid... she is far past old enough to behave appropriately. I would suggest that her continued presence in your home is entirely dependent on her compliance with standards of reasonable behavior. She violates those standards... her key stops working in as long as it takes for you to call the locksmith to rekey the locks.
While I can understand the resentment, anger and contempt your SDs have over your part in the disolution of their parents marriage.... you did not break those vows. Their father did. IMHO their contempt is largely misdirected. It is their father they should have the most issue with.
To have even a semblance of a reasonable outcome... you are going to have to get past punishing yourself over the past and focus on the now and the tomorrow. Regardless of how your DH's first marriage ended, you have his present and you are his future. The two of you need to make sure you are completely aligned on how you deal with the XW and the SKids. If you aren't... they will eat you alive.
As for the GSKids.... be their GrandMa when you can. When you can't... .keep sending them birthday cards, gifts, etc... or better yet... keep those things and give them to the GSKids when they are old enough for you to approach them without their mother's permission. Then the relationship will be up to them and up to you. You will always have the connection with them through their grandfather. When the time is right... make the appoach through him. Eventually their mother won't have much she can do about it but bitch and moan.
Good luck.
Even though you are
Even though you are technically step - grandma on the family tree SD is not going to allow you the priviledge of that role in her children's life. The more you persist the more she will fight to block you out. It sounds like you have a lot of love to give so direct that energy to people who want it. There are so many people who need a helping hand; kids in group homes, foster homes, and homeless shelters that could use a *grandma*. I don't know your age but this may be of interest to you
https://www.nationalservice.gov/programs/senior-corps/senior-corps-progr...
Life is too short to constantly chase after someone who rejects you. Go where you are needed and wanted.
**About the affair, it takes two to tango. If there must be hate DH should get his fair share of hate too, but we know that it's always the womans fault that a man helplessly runs off with another woman.
I'm new to "disengaging" but
I'm new to "disengaging" but I do know that once you make that decision you don't get to pick and choose what parts of your SC you want to keep in your life. You either embrace them , good and bad, or you let go completely .
So you hated SD during her childhood and was so happy when she left, yet now you want a piece of her twins and you feel like you should be grandma? That seems very narcissistic to me! It's all me, me, me. Stop causing drama now that SD is an adult. She doesn't want you around. Respect that. You made your own bed.
Grandparenting is a privilege
Grandparenting is a privilege. You separated her family when she was a child and she knew about it. She doesn’t forgive you for any of these things and she doesn’t want you in her life. Unfortunately affairs have long term consequences. I feel sorry that it hurts your feelings but unfortunately she’s in control of who sees her children and it may be too late for a heart to heart.
I think you need to apologize
I think you need to apologize perfusly to your SD. You admit to resenting her. You were not an adult about the situation and saw that she was acting out of her world being shattered. You were the cause. She was a little girl and she was gonna hate you and feel resentment. Yiu were unkind in return than understanding. She will take a long time to forgive that. She doesn't forget. You admit you hated her even around your house. Then why would she give you a remote shot at being involved in her family when you were so blatantly toxic. Love and kindness goes a long way and trying to be the bigger person. I think write her a letter apologies. Grovel. You want those kids in your life, do something meaningful, something she can hold and keep rereading. Words are cheap on the phone. She may then decide to maybe let you see her children.
You have a way to go and it will never be repaired the damage that has been done, but maybe you can start a new page of stitching some things back together.
As far as the babies go, as a
As far as the babies go, as a mom, I get that I personally wouldn’t want to bring anyone around my kids that I don’t get along with. That being said, I don’t think she’ll ever let you see them unless she felt better about it all. I would start by trying to slowly mend your relationship with her. Don’t do it out of motive to see the babies, because that won’t solve anything and she’ll see straight through you. I don’t mean any harshness towards you when it comes to your history of how you’ve both ended up together (yourself and DH). I’m sure she still harbours a lot of resentment for that though, and kids can pick up on things like that even when they are small. Only do this if you mean it, but I’d start by apologizing. I know, you said she’s done her fair share of name calling and everything herself, but really try to put it all aside. When it comes down to it, family is all anyone will ever have, and we have to try and make the best of life no matter what it throws at us. If it’s too difficult to sit and talk with her, I’d sit down and write her a letter. It’s the way I like do to things, personally. That way you can proof read it, go over it as many times as you like, and really get across what you’d like to tell her. Really and truely make sure that it comes from the heart though, and be willing to accept that things might not go in the direction that your hoping for. Don’t be upset if it goes south though, it will be hard, but maybe with a lot of time something good may come from it all. If it’s been 20 or so years in the making, then it won’t change overnight, and don’t expect miracles. I do wish your family all the best though.
Do not give in to her
Do not give in to her ridiculous demands.