What are you teaching your children under the guise of putting up with this nonsense for their sake? Do you want them to grow up to be unhappy and undermined by their spouses 'for the sake of the kids?'

It doesn't get better. You either decide this is what you're willing to settle for or you move along and commit to building a better, happier, healthier life. You have no control over your husband or SD, only yourself.

I agree with the above and it actually felt like I was reading about my life as I am finding out lots of us have some very similar issues. I have a SS and SD that have been tought that they don't have to respect me. My SS actions at times get duplicated by my son. I correct both of them for this behaviour. The only difference is that my SS has no reason to listen. When he leaves he tells his BM what I said or what happened....painting himself as a victim and she doesn't step back from the situation and think like a parent and say something like...sounds like you actually weren't listening or being disrespectful, and actually teach her son some...insteady she chimes in with the poor me party and tells my SS how much of a bag I am...so on and so on.... We too have a crazy ex to say the least. And we deal with the whole BM telling her children how horrible both me and their father is.

You really only do have control over yourself and if your counting down the days or years that is not good. I have found myself doing that too..... The thing with divorce specially if it is the second one, that has great impact on children then the first. It will have lasting effects. Not every family is perfect and I think we walk around feeling sorry for ourselves and like we have the worst life possible....we don't have an ideal life but things can always be worse. The best thing I have found (this was prior to the mid teenage years) was to be honest with the kids and tell them exactly what you are saying here to some degree. Tell your SD that you are NOT her Mom and you are not interested in taking that place. That your relationship is different. That further you don't care what their BM thinks of you and it is sad she talks so badly about you. That you want only the best for her and to feel loved. You husband should support that I would think.

As for getting support from your husband on how his child acts...I am still figuring that one out myself. The mention of it to my husband is exactly as yours. Which is sad...and very frustration. As suggestion on that i would love to hear....

If I could reach out and hug you, I would. I've been there and wish I knew about this website when I was in the thick of it.

I've known my SD13 since she was 6. She and I started out on a good note. She was the only female in the house full of males and welcomed having another girl around. We did girl things that Dad's kinda find boring...nails, hair, play dolls, watch girl movies, go shopping, taught her how to scrapbook etc.

BM became severly threatened by my presense. Anything SD and I did together she negativly commented on. BM even told her three children that I was trying to replace her...they were 4,5 and 6 years old!

BM then began on the parental alienation (PAS), allowing SD to decide if she wanted to come to our home and if SD didn't come she would reward her with gifts. Of course all the excuses of why SD didn't want to come over was about me. SD's attitude and behavior became worse because we had rules and limits at our home and BM had none. SD would stir up trouble just for the sake of having chaos. My home is quiet for the most part, not whole lot of drama here. We had 7 total living in the house with more adult children coming back and forth, plus girl friends/ boy friends etc. But I noticed that SD would become anxious and start fidgeting when things were quiet around here, and she had to have chaos and drama.

Back in March 2011, the Judge ordered SD to come to our home and BM was to make her come over. Well, that just pissed the hell outta both of them! SD was breaking things...windows, broke the roof of my pop up camper, threw remote control car keys ($165.00 x2), ran away, had temper tantrums, called the police and said my husband hit her (all false), she struck him.

BM got into calling her daughter and encouraged her to run away from our home and that her uncle would come pick her up, BM called the police on us and said we were abusing the children. 11:00 at night, the police are waking SD's brothers and questioning them, to find no evidence. BM has had DCF come and investigate us and found nothing.

It got so bad in our home, that BF finally told SD to not come here anymore because of her behavior. His decision.

Of course, like you I told my DH that SD had bad behavior problems and in the beginning it was always my fault. SD was disrespectful to me and I did not tolerate it. I told DH that I don't accept this behavior from my own children, don't expect me to accept it from anyone elses! Respect is something everyone is entitled to and you deserve nothing less.

I think DH felt that his daughter was so far gone with her BM's manipulation and unwillingness to co-parent with him and that if we ever got divorced...he would still be in the same situation with another woman.

I too had fear that our marriage would not hold up under such stress. I shared that with him and we agreed we would evaluate the situation every few months and see how we could make everything better. We never got that far because SD was out the door by mid- June.

Your husband knows what is happening and I think he's afraid of losing his daughter. One thing SD told me, was she felt disloyal to BM when she was having fun with me.

Sorry this is so long...just thought my experience may give you some forsight. Hang in there!

Blueswan926...
Thank you for your insight. I read your post and gasped. I am going thru this right now. I had no idea what to call it (PAS) My bf (boyfriends) ex has started this in the past few months. I even posted today if I should say enough. I don'k I can handle the stress anymore. I originally liked his sd10 but I now can't stand to be around her. I find myself falling out of love. I have a hard time looking at my bf let alone his sd10. She has accused my bs11 of mean things and that is what broke the fraying nerve I had.
Her dad has seemed to have taken her side but the part that I don't understand and I said this to him is why his ex's side? She is the one who stole from him, cheated on him several times and lied numerous times in the past. So why is he siding with her and or sympathizing.
Thanks for you insight. Its much appreciated