No going back
I get it. This eighteen year old is his baby. Nothing should ever come between the bond of a parent and child. But this rotten SD yells that I am a lazy POS that sits on my a$$ all day doing my homework. She and I have never been very close but I did feel like there was some progress. That is until I brought some of her tendencies to dad's attention. So after her screaming this at me how can I pretend that it never happened. She is supposed to be leaving next Saturday. But till then I am living in a home with this eighteen year old that I really want to knock out. As I type this I see how much of a doormat I have been. This behavior of his kids has been an ongoing thing for many years. And yet I sit here trying to be a good wife by keeping my mouth shut and take it. And after her blow up her and dad are all lovey dovey again and I am filled with so much anger and hate it is beginning to make me sick. He talks about it like oh it is nothing she was just mad but eff that. I'm sure I have plenty for that I have fault in but I have been with him since she was three and I have bent over backwards to make both girls feel welcome. I refuse to talk negatively about their mom. I try to encourage them and push them to be successful. The only thing I can think of is the fact I exist is why this chaos has become the chaos it is.
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What I did
I had a similar situation back in the day where a blow-up between SD and me led to DH defending her in very plainspoken words. I felt like my only option was to leave. This incident came after years of me putting up with the 3 SKs but mainly SD's defiance and manipulation. As a last gasp, I went to counseling, DH refused to go. That decision changed not only mine, but 6 other lives, DH's and the 5 kids.
Consider counseling. It can help immensely. Good luck.
Ditto on Counselling!
First - I'd like to say ditto on counselling. Your DH should absolutely NOT be allowing that kind of behaviour toward his wife. (OR...there's a lot more to the story than we're seeing and you're seeing and counselling will give you a better understanding of why he thinks it's appropriate to allow that behaviour!)
Second - can I just say - 18 year olds are a$$es? Having successfully launched 4 of them, even your bios can get under your skin at that age. They are trapped in the panic-inducing world between I'm an adult, butt out of my life, I know everything!!!... and....HELP! I have no idea what to do, I love you guys. It's exhausting. So don't doubt your relationship if this is just a recent change in personality. Between 17 and 22 I contemplated my choice to be a parent at least a dozen times.
That being said, when I was in early university I remember studying for an exam (living at home) and being so stressed out I didn't do much else. Which meant I was a whirlwind, and my mother's normally tidy home bore the brunt (my fault entirely). She (rightfully!) got onto me about it because she had someone coming over and I accused her of caring more about the state of her house than me and my studies. I was an a$$. I hurt her feelings. My father pulled me aside and took me to task. I'm so glad that he did. Because honestly I was just lashing out in panic, and I hurt my mom's feelings. I'll never forget it.
If you've had a good relationship until now, talk to DH, have him take her aside, correct her, and put it behind you. If you've had a rough relationship, talk to DH, have him take her aside, correct her...and accept the fact that she's growing up and you're in for a tough few years, with your new grown up relationship possibly never being the same as the childhood one. And (there's always the third option) examine if she's right. (Not saying she is!!!!!) But just to be thorough...it's worth self reflection to see if you're hurt because she's calling you out on something that is true.
Agree with all!
You know we have tried the counseling thing, and both attempts were not the best of experiences. This is honestly an ongoing battle that should never be. Absolutely I am a lazy butt, but here is the thing I make sure my bills are paid and yes I am always studying and doing school work it that is because I want more for myself. I still manage to tend to our small zoo here and all the other stay at home mom duties. What it is, I am not her mom. And I am not going to say anything bad about her mom, but mom is in prison. Perhaps anger is being misdirected. Who knows. All I know is I am really getting tired of the ugliness I call home.
I'm not Ms. Clean
My SD59, who I have written (complained) about endlessly, is a meticulous housekeeper. That is, when she is straight. I'm sort of laid back but I've managed to have a 47-year marriage, and raise 5 kids while working 31 years and earning a Bachelors degree. She makes remarks like, "Dont you people ever dust" and often shares her cleaning techniques and standards. Whatever. I laugh to myself because I have other things to do rather than making sure the tracks from the vacuum cleaner all go the same way on the carpet. Lol.
Find other places to be until
Find other places to be until she leaves, make sure she leaves as planned, and make damn sure she never moves back.
"Well DH, you and her may be
"Well DH, you and her may be over it, but I'm not. If you didn't notice, she got your support and a listening ear and an empathetic partner. I got to just swallow it. So it's going to take me a while because I didn't get any support from you. And yes, you are in the middle because you're the connecting thread between SD and I. You will always be in the middle, and if that doesn't sit well with you, then you need to remain single. It's abhorrent that you went and coddled your daughter for her rude behavior and offered absolutely zero support to me."