I don't know what to do
My husband and I married this past March after 3 years of dating and 2.5 years of living together. He has three children from a previous relationship (SD9, SS8, SD5) and whom he shares 50/50 custody with his ex. I have no children.
Up until we were married, despite having agreed upon 50/50 custody, all three kids were with my DH 73.3% of overnights, every day after school until their mom was finished work, and my DH took them to 100% of their sports practices and special events. My husband pays $950 child support per month (we live in Canada), all daycare and school fees and extracurricular activities. His ex has contributed exactly $0 to any of child expenses since they split up 5 years ago, after she cheated on him for the second time.
Now that we are married, my DH’s ex has been making things as difficult as possible for my husband and I. I feel she is lashing out because she is feeling replaced as a mother (which is understandable – but her fault, not mine). At least once a week, my DH’s ex rants via text belittling my contributions, saying I am not a mother, that I have no say in anything, and that the kids should not have to follow our house rules. My DH hides these messages, saying he is trying to spare my feelings, and will not stand up for me or our family in a way I feel is appropriate.
Lately my DH’s ex has been insisting on taking them her 50% of the time, even while she is at work or otherwise unavailable to properly care for the children, and I feel it is neither in the kids best interest and that she is doing it to spite/punish my DH. Here are examples of what we are up against:
- The kids have been late for school 19!!! times this year, on her days. On my husbands days, lates are 0.
- She is supposed to sign the kids homework and return it to school each day she has them; on Mondays when we get the kids for our weeks, the entire homework package comes back to us incomplete and unsigned.
- She failed to show up to pick the kids up three times, after confirming she would get them from school, leaving them without adult supervision or any way of contacting an adult.
- She let her boyfriend, who has a suspended license for a DUI, drive the kids around in her car.
- Every single sports event the kid’s mom complains that they play too much and she has no free time. She thinks the kids should skip practice and only go to games.
- The government pays her a subsidy to have the kids grandma watch them after school with the agreement she would receive the funds, then pay them. Grandma has not received the subsidy since November and simply cannot afford the extra gas with her minimum wage job without this nominal support. DH’s ex keeps saying she will investigate and has been feeding the same line for months with no action.
- She forgot to pack the youngest swim outfits for class lessons put on through school three of her weeks in a row.
On top of all that:
- She makes my husband do all the running around, even on her weeks so she can sit on her ass and do as little as possible.
- She got evicted from her house, moved in with her parents, and now moved in with her boyfriend. The kids spend half their time in a different city from my DH, about 30 mins away.
- She is consistently 30mins-1hour late for everything from pickups and droppoffs, to school, sports, etc.
- She is constantly making the kids promises on not following through…where’s that new cat you promised at Christmas? How about that birthday party you expressly forbade me from throwing so you could do it?…their birthdays were six months ago.
- She would drop the kids off before school, unfed, unclothed, with their hair not even brushed so my husband would get them ready and she could go back to sleep.
I could go on and on and on…I have been keeping documentation since my husband and I started dating in case he ever needed it for court. I would be heartbroken if my DH ended up in a situation where he ended up with the kids less because he had no evidence to support her lack of parenting.
Let me make it clear, I stepped up so not because I wanted to replace her as a mom, but because my husband needed help! He was raising three kids, almost entirely on his own. My steps have grown to love and respect me and I love them in return.
But I am at my wits end. I feel my husband needs to step up and force her to be responsible, or to involve the courts. He needs to tell her the way she speaks about me is unacceptable, that leaving the kids with no supervision is unacceptable, that if she wants to have the kids half the time, their homework needs to be done and she needs to start contributing.
It is causing me so much stress (I know I shouldn't let it), but I am seeing a situation where the kids are being negatively affected, and I am being forced to pick up her slack because I can’t stand for it to happen to them. It is also causing me to see my husband as a pushover, as someone who is afraid to stand up to his ex, even when it is in the interests of our family or relationship. It is also causing us to fight…a lot…at which point he accuses me of acting like his ex and being unhelpful.
Tomorrow all three kids have sports, my husband has his own game…and he asked me to take two of the kids, drop them off with his ex after…and I really don’t want to. I resent having to see her. I resent him asking me to run around after working a stressful job all day, on a day in which she is supposed to be “responsible”, while she sits on her ass expecting everyone to cater to her and make it easy on her.
Having experienced witnessed first-hand a bad stepmother, I have done my best to love and his children, help them reach their full potential, and create a loving and safe environment for them in our home. But I don’t know what to do. I really truly believe this is going to destroy our relationship.
I need advice. How do I make my husband see that ignoring the situation and not setting clear boundaries and rules is only making it worse?
I don't know that you can
I don't know that you can force her to step up to the plate or force him to force her to step up the plate. I don't know how Canada is but here in the US usually they only take away mom's custody for severe horrific things like abuse and addiction, and sometimes not even then. All those things you described would drive me NUTSO and the BM in my life did a lot of those. My only advice is to research something called parallel parenting. It's when you can't coparent with someone because they are so crappy that you have to parallel parent. I would read up on it. It's not ideal and in a perfect divorced world parents co parent but it doesn't sound like she is the kind of person that will work together to benefit the children. Parallel parenting. Your husband parents the darn best you and he can on your time.
That being said, I do think you are smart to document, just in case. And yes he needs to be very firm and direct that he will NOT tolerate her speaking disrespectfully about you to him.
Your DH is right... you
Your DH is right... you should stay out of his communication with BM. First and foremost, he knows her better than you, he knows how to handle her, he is the one that signed and entered into the divorce agreement, and with someone that is crazy, all you can do is put them on ignore, you can't change the way someone thinks. You need to accept that BM isn't going to change because someone tells her to. Let him make what you consider mistakes, you need to trust that he knows what is best for his own kids. Your place is to be a support to your husband, not be a second mother to his kids. They have been given the mother that they have been given.
^^^THIS! I consumed myself in
^^^THIS! I consumed myself in trying to help my SS. He has been tentatively diagnosed with everything in the books and DH was all "there's nothing wrong with him." Well if he doesn't have any of the diagnosed issues, then his problem is his BM is a quack and his dad is blind and he's a lost cause. I let myself become consumed with trying to do research, come up with ways to get him to mind, to get some behaviors controlled, etc. I REALLY consumed myself with this last court battle trying to get the judge to see all of this. It stopped dead in its tracks because it's such a train wreck. In the meantime, my marriage suffered because I was so deep in trying to get better for SS. Now, it's not my problem. His general needs are met by both parents, but if they can't work together or don't want to help their child, not my problem. This WILL destroy YOU if you let it.
Sorry to say but your DH is a
Sorry to say but your DH is a pushover. He seems to be non-confrontational and doesn't want to deal with or get into it with BM.
BM sounds like the BM I've been dealing with for 10 years. Lucky you.
Unfortunately sweetie, you have zero control over the situation and you will never be able to make it nice and pretty how you want it. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have an efficient schedule, kids supervised and thriving and husband standing up for you and your family. That is what any SM would want however it's unrealistic in the blended family situation. BM is uncooperative and toxic, DH is a pushover and is leaning on you entirely too much to handle his business with his kids.
Best thing you can do is let it all go. Worry about what you can control which is you. You will run yourself ragged if you keep on trying in a situation that you have no power in. I'm glad you love your steps and have a good relationship with them. you are winning with that for sure. However, change your expectations and standards with your DH. He will not meet them and you will be resentful, if you already aren't. If you love your DH, accept him how he is and where he is. Do your best to support him in raising his kids and just enjoy your life amidst the chaos as much as you can. BM will be a thorn in your side for a long time and she's not going anywhere. Accept that DH doesn't want to confront her about how she is towards you. I know its hard to not take that personal but its really not about you, its about him not wanting any confrontation with BM. In a perfect world, these DH's would listen to their wives and do as we want them to do but they wont.
Save your sanity and disengage. Otherwise it will be an uphill battle til the end.
It is pretty f'n shitty that
It is pretty f'n shitty that we SM just have to/are expected to accept/adjust/bend over and take it just bc we want to be with our DHs...how is that healthy/ok in a marriage/relationship? We are expected to just deal with our feelings being disregarded, a man with zero backbone etc etc etc...I am not a sit down and take it kind of person, I speak my mind and push for change, and thus far in some areas I have gotten it.
If I feel a certain way or feel/think that DH is not respecting me or hiding shit from me I speak up! Yes, it has caused fights and almost break ups BUT at least I got my feelings and point across, change doesn't come by being a pushover, change comes from standing up for oneself. If my DH chose to leave me then I wouldn't consider it a loss, yes I love him and would miss him but look at what I saved myself from, a lifetime of misery and mistreatment...bc at least I stood up for MYSELF and knew that I deserved better than what he was willing/choosing to give me!
No SM should think that these things are "just part of the deal", "something I just gotta put up with to be with the man I love". That is just so sad to me. When did we all start putting our happiness, self respect, self worth etc to the curb for these men, BMs, and stepshits?! It is no way to live. All I am trying to say is that we should all stand up for ourselves and have the mentality that we DESERVE respect, appreciation, honesty, loyalty and concern from our DHs. Obviously we can't change the BMs and stepshits BUT it is our DHs JOB to stand up for us and make us feel comfortable and in a good place about having to deal with BMs and stepshits in the first place.
I do not think it is healthy or ok to just "take it"...we deserve respect and to be treated right...if our DHs can't and won't at least meet us half way about the things that really, truly upset/piss us off then I firmly believe we all need to raise hell to a certain degree...no one should have to feel like they need to roll over a play dead just bc our DHs stuck their dicks in these c**** and had kids with them...we need to value ourselves too! We SMs put up with ALOT of horseshit just to be with the men we love...but alot of it we don't have to put up with if we just use our voice and realize our worth.
Rant over.
Journey Perez you hit the
Journey Perez you hit the nail on the head. Your H does not want to rock the boat with the BM. Unfortunately until he gets it in gear and stand his ground as it relates to you and the kids, this will be your life. I want you to know that it will get worse before it gets better. Sometimes you have to disengage. For peace of mind I had to do it and then I just started counting...counting down the years until I did not have to deal with the BM. But just so you know I did speak to my H about the entire situation and he told me specifically, he did not want to rock the boat and he felt like he was caught in the middle. In the middle between his wife and his ex....really? Good Luck to you!!
I do appreciate all your
I do appreciate all your advice. It has given me lost to think about. However I am quite concerned with so much disengage, disengage stuff. I don't want to disengage as this is not the type of relationship I am looking for our what I signed up for.
In response to some others comments, I signed up to be an equal partner to my husband. This is not dads house or dads rules. This is OUR house. I pay for half of it, put down half the money, pay for half of the utilities and upkeep, etc. The house rules are OURS, something we wrote down and agreed upon up front, before buying it, together. To say I do not have equal say in my house is a ridiculous notion to me. I have worked extremely hard, put myself through seven years of school, and I will not compromise my personal well-being, my investment in our home, or the fact it is my safe space just because my DH happens to have a BM or children. We are a family and my expectation out of this marriage is we will act like one.
Now don't get me wrong...these house rules include basics such as everyone will put their dishes in the sink after they are done eating, everyone contributes to a thorough cleaning of the house each Sunday through age-appropriate tasks, everyone picks up after themselves when they are done making a mess...or that she can talk shit about me while standing in MY front door.
This is why also my husband not defending me from BMs negative comments hurt so badly. All I expect him to say is something like..."I will not tolerate you talking that way about my wife. If you cannot act respectfully toward her, I will not continue this conversation with you." Easy, hey?
It is also why I take my steps to soccer, when it happens his once a week randomly scheduled game falls at the same time as one of the kids randomly scheduled games. We make compromises to better our family as a whole. It is important to him he engage in physical activity to be healthy, and if I said you cant go because I don't have any plans, but refuse to take the kids have soccer...in my opinion, that would make me a pretty shitty wife. And he makes huge sacrifices for me too...everything from getting his vasectomy reversed so I could have a bio of my own like I always dreamed, to keeping the heat a little hotter then he likes because I get cold easy.
What I have an issue with is that BM does not have this "we work in everyone's best interests" mindset...she just plain old uses him, and by extension me. On BMs scheduled custody day, she says things like "I can't afford gas," or "I worked today," or "I don't think they should be in sports because it makes me have to do something...I was never in sports and I turned out just fine!" to get herself out of taking the kids to their games, or doing homework, or showing up on time...because she knows my husband will come to the rescue and not let his children suffer from her lack of responsibility.
I want advice on how to put an end to this cycle. I don't want to be part of her "issues," or cycle of use. I want my husband to stand up for his mother...tell the government she is not passing along the funds as agreed upon...isnt this fraud? I feel something in writing (an actual court order outlining custody and responsibilities) would be a step in the right direction...but my husband doesn't want to rock the boat...he is so scared of losing any time whatsoever with his kids! I need advice on how he has to understand that sticking his head in the sand pretending these issues don't exist are only setting us up for a longer and more difficult road. And is there really nothing can be done about a BM who consistently shows up an hour late, forcing us to alter our plans at the last minute, or NEVER doing school work with them? How do you let great kids that you love and adore, be let down so consistently and constantly by their BM and be OK with it? How do you become OK with not helping them reach their full potential, and how do you not help?
I don't think anyone is
I don't think anyone is saying you don't have a say in your home. What people are saying is that you and your DH agree (in private) to certain rules and HE is the enforcer/punisher. You do not do anything in that regards with HIS children. Also, if he decides to allow or add things without consulting you, you let that go because - again - they are not YOUR children.
This will do good in taming some of the BM crazy.
As far as him standing up for you, that's a whole different situation.
Feeling_Alone you said, "I
Feeling_Alone you said, "I want advice on how to put an end to this cycle." I believe what most are saying is that there may not be an end to this cycle. Everyone on this site whom has skids has had to deal with the BM or the fact that our husband (or wife) is too coward to confront them about things that they should be speaking to their ex about. It's hard to stand by and watch you and your husband be used by the ex because as far as you are concerned all he has to do is this and all he has to say is that. Unfortunately for you, he doesn't see it as you see it. So engage with your skids and support your husband, but you will have to woman up and take the good with the bad because there may not be any improvement with regards to the BM for years to come. You should also accept and acknowledge that it could possibly get worse.
I've been where you are. I
I've been where you are. I know exactly how you are feeling.
You have to accept the things you cannot change or the resentment is going to eat you alive. You can't make DH deal with BM in the way you want him to, and you can't change BM's mindset. It's like pushing a boulder up a hill. IT CAN'T BE DONE. You will destroy yourself trying.
Everything you do for the skids you do because you want to. Doesn't matter that the reason you have to do it is because BM sucks. You willingly do for them because you love them and love your DH. No one is forcing you to do anything, so you need to stop with the martyr stuff. Stop recording all the ways she fails to live up your standards of a good mother. DH is never going to court so all it's doing is feeding the resentment. Stop expecting DH to defend grandma- it's not his nature and she is an able adult. Stop seeking out the nasty messages BM sends to DH. DH is right- you don't need to see them. They are stupid, meaningless words and the best way to deal with them is to delete. BM needs to not exist to you going forward.
The only way to break the cycle is to realize there isn't one. It's not a cycle, it's the reality you live in. You can't bend reality to your will no matter how hard you try. Let it all go and focus on the things you can control. Doing things for your family makes you happy, so do them. Make all the interactions with the skids due to desire and not circumstance. Everything else should be a non factor. Trust me, if you want to be a fully engaged stepmom this is the only way to do it.
STOP doing YOUR DH AND BM
STOP doing YOUR DH AND BM JOB!!! They are using and abusing you and you are allowing it...you have no kids, THEY have 3...STOP doing things to make THEIR lives easier while making yourself stressed and miserable...you could leave your DH today and he would have to do it ALL and BM would have to step up too..please stop allowing yourself to be treated like shit to raise etc kids that are NOT your responsibility...you DESERVE a break, free time etc...you signed on to marry your DH not to be THEIR kids mother, chauffeur, chef etc...STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND DEMAND RESPECT!!! If your DH makes you feel like you are being selfish etc then HE is being a complete asshole and doesn't deserve you! PERIOD.
You are NOT a doormat to make THEIR lives easier...remember that!
I feel your pain! In a
I feel your pain! In a different way but I understand the struggle. I believe the people saying you should stay out of it are wrong. I keep reading so many post all over the Internet advising step parents to stay out of business between BDs and BM however what bios (and every other non step) needs to realize that we love the kids too and our feelings should be taken into account. Bios asking us to stay out of business are the whole reason we feel the way we do. Then when do get frustrated enough to try and stay out we get told we aren't being good parents. Why do we all of a sudden become bad parents when we do what was being asked??? I know exactly how you feel. Unfortunately I have no useful advice because I have no idea what to do in my situation either. I really wish I did. I feel like I'm losing my mind more and more each day. If you figure anything out please let me know! I wish people could under step parents CHOOSE to love the children and really how much of a noble choice that really is.