I just don't know what to do...
From the onset of my marriage, I have been shown that I am not SS’s mother, that I have no say, and that my opinion with regard to his welfare bears no meaning. I have therefore exhausted my will to try and have settled quite nicely into the role of being merely a wife. DH now has as he wished in the beginning….complete responsibility and authority of his son. In fact, DH's mother has assumed the role of pseudo mother to SS. She buys him clothes, she purchases most necessities, she buys gifts for his teachers, and she replaces most of what he destroys just to name a few. As a matter of fact, in mid-July, we had major discord in my home because she (and DH) did something that I had specifically asked not to be done. I will not go into details but suffice it to say that it cemented my role as an outsider in my own home.
SS has never had to do without things he’s destroyed because DH’s mother is quick to replace. He has never had to learn the consequence of his actions. For example, he completely destroyed his cell phone so I took him off my cell phone plan. It wasn’t but a short while later that DH’s mother bought him a new cell phone and put him on her plan. DH’s mother has even made the statement that she “realizes that he manipulates her.” She said that after apologizing for fussing at DH for a decision he made regarding his own son. At times, I have often wondered who his real parent is. Her involvement with this child exceeds the typical grandmother/grandson relationship and instead resembles that of mother/son.
It would not surprise me if I am portrayed as the proverbial evil stepmother. I can promise you that is not the case. I have tried to give this child direction, structure, stability and even affection but I am no longer willing to fight my husband to do so. Every single time I said or did anything remotely associated with SS, I was questioned repeatedly by DH as to my motive. His excessive interrogations left me frustrated, irritated and tired. Additionally, SS has made it perfectly clear on several occasions through his words and actions that he hates me. In the past, he has voiced his wish for me to be dead. Regardless of any attempt I’ve made toward a decent relationship, he has stated on numerous times that he wished it were just “me and my Dad.” He has continually made his feelings for me very clear. Therefore, I find it in my best interest to minimize our interaction, to not provoke additional anger and to remain completely detached. I have raised two perfectly well-adjusted sons who have also had to deal with a blended family and divorce. With them, I presented a united front with DH. However, DH did not afford me the same respect and he is now reaping what he has sown.
When I first married DH, I thought things would be different. I thought all the kids would be treated the same by both families. However, DH did not step up to the plate to protect us. He allowed his family to send gifts to our home only to SS. At one point, we had THREE children in the household. His family never seemed to fully embrace or accept my children. DH’s aunts send SS cards and money for every single occasion and continue to do so. His mother sends SS home with new clothes, new golf clubs, new shoes, new golf shoes, etc. After several years of this, I have finally been able to stop answering “no” when my son asked “did she send me anything?” Thankfully, my son has outgrown the need for such material things from them.
DH and I have very different parenting styles. I have never yelled, corrected, or disrespected DH in front of my kids. Therefore, they respect him. DH cannot say the same. With regard to any parenting I’ve tried to attempt with SS, he has yelled at me, undermined my authority and questioned my actions all within earshot or in sight of SS which has culminated into a very high level of disrespect and /or contempt for me. DH has only just recently acknowledged the damage this has done. When SS called me a liar in front of DH and DH did absolutely nothing, it told me that it is okay for SS not to respect me or at least respect my position in this home. This was my final straw. DH’s words as well as his actions over the course of our relationship have communicated to me, and to his son, that SS is none of my business. Because of this, I therefore have learned to respond accordingly. I should tell you that DH works third shift so all of the responsibility for the care of this child falls on to my shoulders. Yet I have had no authority.
Three weeks ago, I informed my DH that I was leaving him...that this life was not working for me and that I wasn't happy. Since then, he has decided (on his own) to send his son to a boarding school. He says that it is for SS's own good...and not because of me. I wonder if that's the entire truth. My DH has now become the perfect husband. Yet I am finding it hard to forget the nine years of disrespect. I am in marriage counseling with him but I am very angry that it has taken my getting to the point of divorcing before my husband would get his head out of his a** to do help me.
Your thoughts?
I hope he does send the brat
I hope he does send the brat to a boarding school but sounds like he'll end up living with your MIL where he'll continue to be spoiled while it's YOUR fault he was "kicked out of his home".
He will be 15 in October.
He will be 15 in October. Here is a list of what I've had to deal with:
1. SS plays violent video games from the moment he walks in the house after school until he goes to bed in the evenings. His father does not limit his playing time nor does his father know exactly what game(s) he is playing. Most of his games are rated “M” for mature.
2. He has little to no respect for his father and absolutely none for me. He has said that he wished that I were dead. He has called me a liar as witnessed by his father. He speaks to no one in this house but his father. He has ignored my very existence for years. On the rare occasion that he actually speaks to me, it is because I have forced him to by asking a question. His response is accompanied by a glaring hatred and a derisive tone. It is obvious to everyone that he has a deep-seated hatred for me.
3. He talks to adult male strangers on the PS3. When asked who it is he is talking to, he either states he isn’t talking to anyone or he says that they are his friends. He has given out our private phone number to an adult male stranger over the phone. This adult male stranger then called from New Jersey asking to speak to him. When I refused to allow that, he became angered and hung up the phone. More disturbingly, this child has told intimate details of his bathing activities to an adult male stranger. To date, he continues to talk to strangers over this gaming system.
4. He has completely destroyed his room. Out of anger, he has stabbed the side of his bed with an unknown object causing irreparable damage. He has eaten/chewed on the headboard, torn up the upper bunk bed mattress, and chewed / torn down the blinds. He tears up or destroys everything that goes into that room.
5. He enjoys lying in his own vomit. He stated to my daughter-in-law that he enjoys lying in his own vomit because “it is warm.” Approximately three weeks ago, he bypassed the bathroom which is right across the hall from his bedroom and came into the kitchen to vomit on to the floor. As I entered the room, he stood there for approximately twenty to thirty seconds, stretched his arms out, went down onto his knees and slid his arms and stomach through the vomit. When I asked what he was doing, he then laughed and began rolling around in it. After he finished, which seemed like forever, I made him clean it up. He then went to bed without washing his hair or brushing his teeth. The next morning, he went to school with dried vomit in his hair. One of his doctors (perhaps you?) surmised that perhaps he had become disoriented. This was not the case. This was deliberate. He was fully cognizant of being in the kitchen and rolling around in his own puke. He “enjoyed” it. I was aghast and had I not witnessed it (along with my son), I would have never believed it myself. It was appalling. His own father has witnessed him throwing up directly in front of the commode and then lying in it.
6. He obviously has no personal hygiene as I have personally witnessed him going over three weeks without brushing his teeth. He has peed on my and my son’s clothing and continues to pee on or around the commode. My husband has attempted to teach him personal hygiene to no avail as he refuses to comply. His disgusting body odor doesn’t seem to phase him.
7. About three and a half weeks ago, he defecated on the commode seat and on the front and sides of the commode, leaving used toiled paper under the seat and trailing onto the floor. When I made the statement that I ought to make him clean it up, his response was “Oh, so I can’t poop now, is that it?”
8. SS has no empathy for anyone or anything. He has never, ever apologized for anything without his father threatening him with punishment or forcing him to do so. He has no understanding of the most basic social cues and finds it funny if someone falls or gets hurt.
9. His answer for any question is “I don’t know.” He talks to himself continuously and when he was younger, he would tell me that he heard voices in his head telling him to do something. He has not said that in a long time but it has stuck in my mind as being frightening.
10. He was taken to University of **** hospital back when he was younger and was diagnosed as suffering from clinical depression and anxiety. He was never taken back.
11. His therapist wrote to my husband and I stating that she suspected that he was becoming immersed in television as a way to escape reality. I do not have the letter in front of me so I cannot quote her directly but I am sure that it is contained in his file as well as my response to that letter.
12. He takes Concerta at school every weekday morning as it is administered by the school nurse. However, I have seen many, many weekends when he has not taken it. In July of this year, he was prescribed Tenex. From July to October, he was never given a dose. It was only after I brought it to the attention of my husband that he began giving it to him. Yet, even today, he is given only ½ of one tablet (sometimes) in the morning and he is rarely, if ever, given the other ½ in the evenings as directed.
13. His bus driver has had numerous issues with his back talk, defiant and disrespectful attitude, and inability to keep his hands to himself. For this school year, she has had to sit him next to a kindergartener with a bus monitor close by in order to keep him under control. At one point during a particularly aggressive episode, she had to call ahead to the principal’s office to have the principal escort him off of the bus.
14. When he was in the second grade, his teacher told his father and me that having him in class was “unbearable.”
15. When speaking to him, you often have to tell him to look at you because he rarely will look you in the face. He keeps his head down or looks away. Eye contact is minimal at best.
16. My mother-in-law brings him to his doctor visits but she is unable to advise any doctor as to what we deal with here on a daily basis because she has not been told the truth. I suspect that it is because my husband is embarrassed or ashamed by all that has happened. At one point, we made a list to send to his therapist regarding all the behaviors that we have witnessed and he (my husband) edited it prior to giving it to his mother.
17. One cannot ever underestimate SS as he is extraordinarily manipulative. He has the mental capacity to tell you exactly what you want to hear if he so chooses. I have seen him do this countless of times with his father and grandmother. She has even stated herself that she realizes that he manipulates her.
18. He has stated that he doesn’t fear his Dad’s punishments as “anything he says to me could not be any worse than what they say to me at school.” Yet when DH asked him about that statement, he says that no one treats him bad at school.
19. I have no idea how he interacts with children his own age as I’ve rarely seen him interact with any. I do know that at one point he had a Facebook account and he had posted some inappropriate things about other kids which was met with kids posting for him to shut up and so on and so forth. His status was “making everyone’s life hell.” His father made him take down his page.
20. He has a problem with the truth. He lies about inconsequential things. At one point, he told his Dad that I called him “retarded” which I did not. He seemed firmly convinced that I had however. It is for this fact that I often have witnesses to verify his inaccurate perception.
21. My teenaged son and his friend who was spending the night awoke to find SS standing there in the dark staring at them while they slept. This happened on more than one occasion.
22. At Christmas, while SS was with the rest of the family opening gifts, he blurted out nonsensical words and phrases which were both random and awkward. It was so obviously bizarre that a visitor asked if he had Tourette syndrome.
23. He accepts no blame for anything. Everything is always someone else’s fault. Even when you obviously see him do something, it is never his fault.
24. His half-sister came in for Christmas from Niagara Falls and after spending a mere two days with him, came to her father and I crying and stated that she feared that he would “commit suicide or blow something up.” His recent expressed interest in having a gun is quite concerning.
My family and friends fear for my safety as his hatred for me is so intense. For my own safety and peace of mind, I have completely detached from him. I am merely his father’s wife. He and I do not even speak unless it is absolutely necessary. If it were possible, he would never be left here with me alone again. I currently sleep with two very protective Labrador retrievers who bark at the slightest movement of his bedroom door; otherwise I would not soundly sleep. I do own a gun but no ammunition and my gun has been removed to my mother’s home. It is pathetic to say but I could very easily see my life unfold on CNN as has happened in Newtown, Connecticut. Perhaps not to such extremes but I do think that he is a ticking time bomb. He has a lot of internalized anger at his mother and perhaps even some at his father. One of his doctors thought that his anger at his mother was directed at me because I am here. As you can imagine, I’m not okay with that being the case.
His father has made it perfectly clear to me that this child has ONE parent…and that is him. At one point, he wouldn’t even let me send him to bed by telling me that that was “his call.” I truly am grateful not to be this child’s “parent” as I honestly would be beside myself if my son exhibited such behaviors.
Please know that these behaviors have not suddenly developed. We have been dealing with his various issues for many years. His irrational temperament was evident at an early age. At age two, he called his sister a “bitch” for popping his balloon. At one point, he bit her until she bled; he refused to let go until I forcibly pried his mouth open. I literally had to grab ahold of his upper and lower jaw and pry them apart so that he would release her. To this day, she has a scar from that. He has not gotten better with age…he seems to simmer with anger/rage all the time.
Yeah, big time. What a
Yeah, :jawdrop: big time. What a little skeeze. Yuck. The puke thing is just very disturbing.
"His irrational temperament was evident at an early age."
"he seems to simmer with anger/rage all the time."
DH's son is very disturbed as well, and what you said above is him as well. He is five and is violent, destructive, mean, and just rages all the time. I could see him being like your SS in another decade. I hope your DH sends yours off and I hope that my DH will see the light and do the same for his son someday as well, the sooner the better.
This is incredibly disturbing
This is incredibly disturbing and I have nothing but respect for you for sticking it out this long. My advice is get out of there, if for nothing more than your own safety. And just from my own experience, if a man suddenly changes because you say you're leaving him and then you ultimately don't leave him because you think he's changed....well that tells him that all he has to do is change for awhile to reel you back in and then he can relax and go back to being himself.
His father and I began dating
His father and I began dating in 2001..... and we married in 2005.
I am sick with not knowing what to do. I just want this kid out of my life forever. I just wanted his father to show me some respect. But it was only AFTER I had been pushed off that cliff (figuratively speaking) that things began to change. Now I think I'm too far over the cliff to climb back up again. DH says he is taking all responsibility for the breakdown of our marriage....but I don't trust him that the changes he's making are forever changes or just changes that he's making to keep me here.
I loved my husband deeply in the beginning. It was only after the continual disrespect that the love began to die. Can it ever come back? And if it can, do I really want it to? I would like to never, ever, EVER, EVER see this kid again. He truly scares me.
This kid is seriously
This kid is seriously disturbed and needs major mental professional help. I'd be RUNNING away if I were you. The vomit thing, the talking to adult men...
Even if hubby is heaven on earth now, you're right - it took you wanting a divorce before he did anything about the issues. I lived that with my first husband. He ended up right back to his old habits within months.
I don't have the magic answer for you, but God I wish I did. My gut instincts tell me to tell you to just run and never look back. Not sure if that's possible for you, but yeah, I think that would be my game plan.
Best of luck to you hun.
Thank you. I don't really
Thank you. I don't really have anyone to talk to IRL.... and I appreciate any guidance / advice that I can get.
So sorry you're at this
So sorry you're at this crossroads in your life, and I hope you find your happiness. YOUR happiness. Not anyone else's, just yours.
I am sorry to say this but I
I am sorry to say this but I think I would leave and not look back.
I cannot believe you put up with this for 12 years. :jawdrop:
I am sure you believed that he would grow out of his behavior.
I think you and possibly your sons are in danger. I would leave and make sure he and his father doesn't know where you are.
I feel like if your DH truly was a man of honor he would not have allowed his son to treat you like that for all those years.
He may temporarly change but in his heart he is cold as ice.
I am so sorry you have been living like this.
BTW, the rolling around in the vomit is scary.
This kid is on the road to
This kid is on the road to being a deviant and a psychopath. And his dear daddy is helping him along.
Any possible hope for this kid would be in military school or an involuntary commitment. Long term intensive mental health care and forced medicating is also probably necessary.
All of this is expensive AND does not guarantee to change anything. I'm not sure how or why you have stuck it out this long. As soon as I noted the depth of his issues and realized that my husband expects me to be a free babysitter yet not have ANY authority whatsoever, that is when I would have hung up my hat as a free babysitter and sent him to stay with MIL permanently as long as DH isn't around.
Don't you have any kind of relationship with your MIL? Can't you tell HER that he edited the list before he gave it to her and she has absolutely NO idea at the extent of his issues? Plead to her to get her grandson help?
At the very least, I would be installing nanny cams everywhere. Your DH is an ASS that believes a severely imbalanced CHILD over his WIFE and I would not take ANY chances. Cameras don't LIE.
In all fairness, he didn't
In all fairness, he didn't "believe" his kid over me. He just "allowed" it to continue. He just never DID anything about it. He'd say "Don't talk to her like that again."...... but that was it. He never supported me. He's never stood up for our marriage ... until NOW.
I allowed my BS to have some
I allowed my BS to have some mature video game and he started blending the games and even some shows with reality. After him quoting shit characters said off the video games, we have taken all the games and they are not able to watch some shows now. I watched this show on TV where (true story) this teenage kid played video games sooo often that it became his reality. He got into an argument with his dad cause his dad wouldn't let him play this video game that he wanted, this idiot snapped and shot his mom and dad in the head.
WTF is wrong with your DH ? I have 4 children and if any of my children were rolling around in their vomit, we'd be going to get help, that day. I would NOT feel safe in that house. Please leave and leave immediately, DH doesn't need to send him away that is his FATHER, he needs to act as such. Perhaps getting him into a mental health facility or something for now so they can evaluate him and try to better some of this bullshit hes dealing with. WOW just WOW, this kid is psychotic
The boy needs to be
The boy needs to be institutionalized but unfortunately that is virtually impossible these days.
You can send him to boarding school but I can guarantee they will send him back home in no time. The last thing a boarding school needs is a perverted sociopath living there. I doubt if even a military school would keep him.
Yeah. I know. His father
Yeah. I know. His father looked into Military School....and it was $25,000 per year....and more importantly, they wouldn't accept him.
You need to go through with
You need to go through with the divorce- I would never in anyway want to even be associated with this kid. You can walk away knowing you have tried your hardest and be happy with that. You will find happiness outside of this marriage and down the road you will look back and it will be hard to believe you stayed for this long.
That kid has some serious issues- the vomit thing like people mentioned and the poop thing :jawdrop: wow.....just wow. Your hubby is scared and he should be. Go through with it, it will be hard but you will be much happier
My sons....one is 23 and
My sons....one is 23 and married....and the other is 18 and is getting ready to leave for College. Their biological Dad and I have done a remarkable job in raising two great kids. I don't know how...but we did. We co-parented very well together. They see this kid for what he is. They love their stepdad (my DH) but fear for my safety.
DH's son is five and has been
DH's son is five and has been kicked out of school for his violent behavior and his extreme defiance. Your MIL sounds just like mine. She is the mother figure in skids life when he is here, is the biggest enabler ever, and spoils him rotten.
I feel very sorry for you,
I feel very sorry for you, your sons and your ss.
Your DH and MIL have clearly failed both you and your ss, even though they have had the evidence right in front of their faces that something is extremely and inherently *wrong* with ss they have ignored, avoided and pretended different. THAT is disgusting. They have had various professionals telling them and giving them cues that your ss has mental problems and difficulties, and when they have given advice and treatments in order to help ss overcome these, your DH has avoided, ignored and discarded what has been said. Poor kid, he didn't stand a chance with a crappy father like your DH.
I genuinely do not know how you have contended with this. I will always say, we ALL have instincts for a reason. Mostly in order to provide some insight into social dynamics but also we can have hunches which we cannot put our fingers on *why* we feel a certain way and so often we blow this off as paranoia. In your case, your ss DOES have psychological problems which have been amplified, exacerbated by the lack of sustained and continued professional intervention and firm parenting. This in turn has caused him to feel rage against his targets - you and maybe even your children. It will not have helped that your firm hand in trying to change how he interacts and behaves was undermined by DH and so any immature resentment against a stepparents disciplining will have been magnified because their parent disagreed with the stepparents "help", thereby supporting the immature anger at authoritarian figures!
You really must listen to your instinctual feelings on this subject, your safety IS at risk. Not only has your DH neglected and helped worsen your ss's mental illness, he has painted a red target on your forehead and then thrown ss over the fence at the first sight of a marital revolt i.e. set ss away (out of sight, out of mind). This does NOT solve the problem though. Your ss is a minor, his behaviour is so severe and extreme that it IS likely that he will not remain at a boarding school (and frankly I am appalled that your DH has attempted to brush the problem under the carpet and hand the issue over to someone else now he realises what a monster he has created. WTF?). Your ss needs HELP, not to be shipped off to a frigging school and besides which he can not remain there indefinitely (even if by some miracle nothing does go wrong and he doesn't get himself excluded). What happens at holidays?
There are so many what if's in this scenario, along with the fact that a parent can cause such a serious problem and then try to ignore it, reject it. All that tells me is your DH is a person who will always consider his own survival first and foremost, he is self centered and selfish. It would be difficult to respect someone who has caused such misery to so many lives in the name of their own peace and happiness.
I suppose you should ask yourself whether you can live a life where you are on tenderhooks waiting for a violent ambush from your ss? (are the locks changed? Has he got access to your house? Is it likely your MIL will buy him a gun?...I would be wondering considering everything)Can you trust your DH to protect you fully and your adult sons (they did not ask for this)?
The bulleted items above
The bulleted items above listing his behaviors were in a letter that I had sent to his psychiatrist. I just found out on Saturday that my over-involved MIL got together with four of her cronies and sent five letters to the psychiatrist depicting me as a SM with a vendetta....that "nothing" is wrong with SS....that he's perfectly normal. Yet, we live with his crap 24/7 and over-involved MIL sees him maybe once a month (she does her damage over the telephone mostly)...and her cronies "maybe" see him once every couple of months or so. I am beyond astounded YET AGAIN by the lack of boundaries in this family.
My DH has become contrite,
My DH has become contrite, relentless in his I love yous and overzealous in his Can't live without yous. I'm suffocating. He keeps begging me to "Lets give this a chance to work." I wonder where he's been the past nine years while I've been tryng to give it a chance to work. What do I say? I honestly don't want to hurt his feelings but I swear, I don't think I can get past all the hurt.
Wow, just wow. Get out now.
Wow, just wow. Get out now. Seriously. If my SS did things like that, I would either confront my hubs about it, or leave. He can deal with that s*it.