It is in moments like this that I’m left scratching my head over BM, aka spider eyes, behavior. 

A little background MIL was likely aware (she had to be because she knew too much) FIL was sexually abusing my SD’s and several other children.  Spider eyes was completely on board when SD18’s counsellor recommended no contact with MIL.  Spider eyes even sent many text messages outlining why she believed MIL knew about the abuse and why she didn’t want SD’s to see MIL.  MIL blamed me for the estrangement and verbally attacked me in a meeting with the counsellor.  I was so hurt by this but in my mind it further proved MIL’s knowledge of the abuse.  DH’s family all backed MIL and blamed me for the estrangement.  He has essentially lost his family and they will vocally state that it is my fault.

Fast forward to present day… DH’s cousin’s son, who he was really close with, has his high school graduation party.  DH’s cousin invited both DH and me (she is the first in DH’s family to include me in any family event in over 2 years, DH still gets invited, but I don’t, and most make it clear they don’t want me to come).  DH’s cousin has also come to events we’ve had while the rest of the family has not.  She is trying to be kind.  She also invited the entire family, MIL, SD18, SD’s BM…so this is not an event I could attend without making everyone uncomfortable.  Especially since DD15 and I are currently NC with MIL and SD18.  So, we sent a card and avoided it.

Spider eyes goes to the party (of course she does because she is so thirsty to be a part of DH’s dysfunctional family) and posts a ton of pictures with DH’s family captioning them with things like “I love my family.”  WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F$%& is wrong with this women? I cannot think of a reason that she would want a relationship with MIL except to get to DH or me.  Espcially when she goes out of her way to post pictures of it.  It is just so gross to have a relationship with the women that had a large responsibility in the abuse of your children.  DH has tried to confront spider eyes with this before and she gives a load of BS about forgiveness and because SD18 has chosen the relationship with MIL she feels it’s ok for her to.  Again, WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F$%& is wrong with this women?  Her need to get at me or DH overrides her need to protect her children.  Spider eyes has said she will help SD13 have a relationship with MIL too against DH’s wishes.  He currently doesn’t want SD13 to have a relationship with MIL, but he also feels like if he digs in on this SD13 will be angry and push him away.  DH feels like he lost a relationship with SD18 and he is really scared of losing SD13 too.  I think it is a valid feeling, spider eyes has been poisoning both kids against DH and I for 10 plus years.  Now add MIL and SD18 poisoning SD13 and DH and we don’t really stand a chance, do we? 

I’m so torn because I think it will hit some of my biggest insecurities about my relationship with DH.  That he can go back to his family and everything can be okay if he just doesn’t have me.  It really hurts that MIL and spider eyes can have a relationship with DH’s family after both doing terrible things, but I can’t.  I’m somehow worse in their eyes than MIL (who allowed sexual abuse of at least a dozen kids to go on in her home) and spider eyes who cheated on DH, left him for another guy (who ended up in prison), who has neglected her children and shown them some terrible behavior (bringing dozens of men home drunk while the kids are there since they were 9 and 4 and much more).

I just want peace and I want people in my life who are grateful for my presence.  It all makes me feel like there is something wrong with me being me.  I know in life not everyone will like me and I’m okay with that but I’m not ok with people villainizing me.  SD18 and spider eyes have for many years said terrible and untrue things about me.  Now MIL and the rest of the family believe these lies and join in.  I don’t know how to feel ok about this and there definitely is no way to fix it.  It made me sick to my stomach when I saw spider eyes there with DH’s family when he can’t be there.  I know this is a disgusting behavior on the part of spider eyes I know we are really better off without IL’s but I also know this is killing my DH.  I truly believe he wants a relationship with his family (even though he says he doesn't), and I feel that I’m the thing that keeps him from it. 

I’m really considering ending my marriage.  DH’s recent bad behavior (read last blog about SD13 being a brat), his lack of support for me,  and the feeling that I’m getting in the way of DH’s relationship with his dysfunctional family is pushing me out the door.  Logically, I think the only way DH could have peace with his family is for him to accept MIL’s behavior and accept that spider eyes will always be at his family events.  I can’t imagine he can ever have a relationship with anyone other than spider eyes and comfortably be around his family.  It’s all so nuts, his family backing spider eyes and even worse backing MIL they are next level F’d up!  I’m pretty sure SD13 will end up back in the fold and then DH will have truly lost everything, and I don’t know how that is really going to go, will I be scapegoated for this too? The thing is when it’s just DH, DD15 and me everything is fine.  There is no conflict, no bad behavior, we get along great and I am happy and enjoying my life with DH.  It’s everything I’ve ever wanted when we don’t add his dysfunction soup…but there is no way to avoid the dysfunction.  I’m trying to accept and be at peace with the fact that it is time to get out…even though this is not at all what I want.