So I ended up digging in on some things with DH.

 I asked that he either confront dysfunctional IL’s or get rid of them on social media and phone.  No movement on this front. 

I asked that he begin to seek counselling specifically for dealing with SD18.  He texted a great therapist we know that specializes in BPD but has yet to make an appointment.  Baby steps but I’ll take it.

I asked that he completely remove me from his relationship with toxic spider eyes BM and only inform me of contact when it affects me.  I told him I would not be having any contact with BM (meaning I will miss SD13’s events when BM is there) and that she isn’t to step foot in our home or be around my D15. I gave one last push on the reasoning behind this and I felt like I successfully conveyed my reasoning and need for boundaries.  For once I felt heard and understood.  He even apologized for not understanding how bad it has been for me.  Baby steps but I’ll take that too!  Now I’m waiting to see this in action!

DH and I had planned to go away Memorial Day and spend some time just the two of us (camping in our RV so it’s COVID safe in case you were wondering).  D15 wants to start going to her Dad’s again and her Dad and I agreed it was safe to.  DH is supposed to arrange for SD13 to go to BM’s and SD13 really wants to see her Mom. 

First, he tried to come to me and ask what I thought about SD13 going there and what he should do.  I told him he should do what he thinks is best and reminded him BM had wanted custody of SD13 for Memorial Day before this started and said I feel it is safe and asked if he agreed.  He did.  Maybe that was too much involvement but I’m doing my best. 

Later that day SD13 says to DH “I texted Mom and asked her if I could be with her on Memorial Day and she yelled at me and said you should have called her and I shouldn’t ask for you I don’t know why she is mad.”  Ok I can BM’s point but SD is 13 and does want to spend the weekend with her Mom…and DH did not ask SD13 to ask her Mom, she just did.  Regardless, DH gets visibly nervous (not sure if that is because he’s afraid I’ll say something or he’s afraid of toxic spider eyes BM) and says ok I’ll call her (ugh heart sinks why must you call her but I stay silent).  He tries to text Spidey BM in my presence (oh yay he’s texting instead of calling good choice DH) and I politely leave and ask him not to handle these things around me.  I remind him I don’t want to take part in it.  No idea what happens during the text exchange, but he still doesn’t have an answer from Spidey BM herself as to whether she will take SD13.

I suspect she won’t because SD13 says at dinner that her Mom has plans for the weekend and kids aren’t invited.  Wait isn’t this the very thing Spidey was mad about…having SD13 be the carrier of messages. Interesting….So why is she so mad she can’t talk to DH?? I wonder if DH is processing any of this but I don’t ask….DH says to SD13 how do you know that your Mom has plans, she hasn’t texted me back. 

So as to not bore you with the rest of the exchange….let me cut to the chase.  BM is refusing interact with DH in any way but a phone call.  She won’t accept her child asking and she won’t accept a text exchange from him.  I’m laughing a little inside waiting to see how DH will handle this one and so far I’m doing a really good job of keeping my mouth shut (expect on here) and being a passive observer.  I honestly don’t care what the outcome is.  If we need to keep SD13 I’m totally fine with that (I know DH is more bothered by this than me for a change).  Alone time with DH would have been really nice but it’s not a deal breaker.

I know I’m resting a lot on this one issue, but it feels like I’m standing on a precipice. I feel like this is the moment where DH can come through and be the man, I know him to be.  It is a time when he can see Spidey’s behavior for what it really is; a manipulation of him.  It is a moment where DH can be done with responding to her and giving up this space in his life.  I feel like DH can on his own choose not to be BM’s trained monkey for once and refuse to call her (after all he already knows the answer).  I feel like that would be a moral victory for me and I will breath a little easier knowing I’m not married to someone who is his ex’s trained monkey. Please join me in rooting for DH!  Stay tuned!