You feel all of these negative emotions because of the swirling vortex of dysfunction that is your dh's "family." I'm going to make a safe bet that SD isn't the only NPD agent among them. And untreated NPD can drive the most mentally sound into the pits of insanity. These people can't see reason. They don't think rationally and they don't care about others. 

 What you perceive as "weakness" in his "inability" to stand up to them, is more likely a survival mechanism. Standing up to a NPD is an exercise in futility. They don't care if they hurt others and they aren't going to change due to someone else telling them they should. It's useless and he's likely learned that the hard way.

So, if your DH wants to cut them out of his life? Let him. There is no way to win with those people. They will never have a healthy relationship with anyone as long as they allow their mental disorders to go untreated. And if he insists on keeping them around for the superficial relationships he must have wirh them, I suggest separating yourself from this shitty merry-go-round.

What are you confused about? I dont mean that in a bad way. Are your feelings conflicted, or are you in confusion about where to go next? Like a rat trapped on a ship that you just found out was sinking.

You must start with "D"H although he doesnt sound very "D". Try to communicate with him, try to get into counseling. Actually start with YOU. What are you willing to put up with and for how long.

Are you willing to continue to be DH's punching bag scapegoat?

There are a couple of things I want to say:

First of all, I'm glad you shared your story, OP. I know, it sounds so crazy and unbelievable, but what you're experiencing happens more often than most people realize. It's happening TO you because of the toxic, highly dysfunctional family your DH hails from.

Secondly, Beebeel is spot on about your H's unwillingness to protect you or stand up to his family being part of a survival mechanism. The females in his family are the dominant ones, and he's been conditioned to accept that. He turns on you because as the pressure and discomfort increases, you are perceived as the cause, and also the easiest one to blame. If only you would just shut up and paste a smile on your face, everyone could be COMFORTABLE again and go back to their familiar dysfunctional dance.

Third - I've been through what you're experiencing, and our stories are somewhat similar. I married into dysfunction, and bent over backwards to try to fit in with the (female dominant) in laws. I was open, giving, and loving. I turned the other cheek more times than I can count, sacrificed, and ate a lot of excrement while trying to facilitate closer relations. I could not understand why my H avoided his family, and tried to "fix" that. When I finally disengaged from abusive narcissistIc OSD, all H@ll broke loose. OSD was very close to my H's sisters, and they went to war against me for upsetting the balance of power. My macho, authority figure Alpha Male quaked in his boots and allowed them to play games, attack me, scapegoat me, and try to drive a wedge in our marriage. He also tried to gaslight me and pressured me to make up with his sisters, despite knowing I was right about his daughter. I lost a lot of respect for DH, and our marriage was on shaky ground for about a year.

That was almost a decade ago, and things are much better now. I'm in a good place, and free from the crazymaking of my H's family of origin. Still married, and my H respects me much more now because he perceives me as strong instead of weak. There is a level of truth and understanding between us that wasn't there before. He knows he almost lost me, and that I have hard limits. My H is free to have a relationship with his siblings and daughters, but he chooses not to because they are all about enabling, exploitation and pretense, and because it's simply too much work.

I know you're going through a very difficult time right now. You're hurting. You feel betrayed and used, you don't know who to trust or even what's real. You're angry with your H for being weak and not protecting you, and probably even questioning your own judgement. But know this: you've come to the right place, and the women who've commented on your post are some of the wisest and most battle hardened on this site. Each of us grew up with dysfunction, married into more of it, and have done the hard work on ourselves to learn, grow, and overcome it. We are survivors, and you can survive this, too. Find a therapist for yourself, a safe harbor who will support you and help you process what is happening around you. Maintain your boundaries, don't engage with the in laws, and let your marriage drift while you focus on your self and healing. We are here for you.

You cannot change these people or their opinions.  I'm sure your husband realizes this, which is why he's not arguing.  It's pointless.  I agree with you, it's frustrating and sad, when you put your heart, your time, your effort into people, and they turn around and do something like this.  

The absolute best thing you can do right now is to put up a wall around your heart.  They are not allowed in your home, you don't contact them, block them from contacting you.  Refuse to listen to gossip from your husband or other relatives, tell them you don't care to hear about it and change the subject.  Draw that line in the sand and refuse to argue about it with your husband.  Tell him this is the law. Eventually these people will have absolutely no hold over your happiness, and I think you will be surprised when you realize they've been dragging you down a lot longer than you thought.

hubbys 3 kids with her have this to varying degrees. The kids like to dish out the same treatment to me and its like because bio mum does the same to the daughters that they need to control me too like i’m at the bottom of the peckung order.

my husbands attitude in the beginning was “i want a happy life and no drama as it was daily trauma and drama from exwife” and that to me translated like i was expendable and i better suck it up and tolerate shit treatment and i finally after about 3 yrs of marriage had said enough.

hubby sulked for several days and tried to get me to go on meets with his kids and when i asked him if he’d put them in their place because i was not tolerating disrespect and shitty behaviour from them towards me or my kids with hubby and would hubby hold them accountable on the spot for their actions he had no answer 

whenever hubby would sulk he wants this 1 hppy family idea i had to spell it out that it isn’t possible with the shitty behaviour of skids and it was disrespectful of hubby to expect we tolerate crap behaviour.

i disengaged completely about 15 months ago and told hubby firmly unless there is better behaviour i will not expose myself or my kids to skids. Hubby claims they are sorry but its the same bullshit... they have made no attempts to maintain contact with us yet along with hubby so its just more smoke coming out of their arses.

i’m lucky that my il’s see skids behaviour and confront me about the shitty behaviour, especially ss and even his uncles or cousins catch him out on it. One thing i hate is when my sil’s claim skids are good its just their mum like its an excuse why they are shitty people when that is what they see as normal..

This week has been sad for me. My husband has a son with his ex they were never married and only together for a few months. When we started dating we had a lot of problems with the BM, a year later I found out I was pregnant and things got worse we couldn't even post a picture together on fb because she would get mad, she would also say shit about me and curse at me. This really got to me to the point were I cried every night. Months later I nearly lost my pregnancy because of depression.

My husband works out of the country so we are never really together, we only visit him once a week. His son lives in Mexico(just as my daughter and me) but DH sends money and visits him once in a while. What bothers me is that his parents NEVER come visit our daughter, but they treat his son like a golden child. They always pick him up from BMs home, his family is all friends with her, they always help her, for the "sake" of the child. The child is obese and a spoiled brat. BM is already married with a new baby and they even went to meet the new baby. My daughter will turn 2 this week, and they want to be at her party, and they told my husband that they're missing out of my DDs life. I'm so mad and sad, I've cried a lot this week and just the taught of having to see them makes me lose my sleep. I've been living alone with my daughter just like BM, but they've never even cared to see if they're gd is okay, but they expect to be at her birthday:):):), and also want to bring SS and play happy little family.