Yes these two boys are still very much children - but they are not toddlers. They are old enough to be told in no uncertain terms that BM and your SO are NEVER getting back together. They do not need to be told that their mother is a ho bag who fucked everyone in town - but they do need it made clear that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES are their parents ever going to reunite.

They might wish for that to happen - but seriously are they mentally slow? BM is in another relationship and you have a child with their father - a child that is their sister. Does none of that register in their pea brains?

Go elope - IF that's what you want to do. I'm a big proponent of just getting married the easiest way possible. A big "costume party" is not required to get married. Nobody needs to be present but you and your partner.

I agree wholeheartedly with what Echo said about shutting BM down the second she crosses a boundry. Your DH chooses what he tolerates. BM having a say in any relationship he has after she whored it up with practically all of his friends isn't something she should get to do. She lost any and all say on your DH the second she stepped out on him like that.

I'm not entirely sure how and when a counselor would bring up the subject of how their parents aren't getting back together. If you know of someone with that sort of training, perhaps inquire about how your DH can talk about it with them. BM's infidelity certainly shouldn't come up in that talk but I'd think they'd say something along the lines of sometimes people just don't work out. Kind of like how oddly enough the subject was brought up during a scene in Mrs. Doubtfire about how parents apart can be better parents yadda yadda.

It's hard not to attach your own stepfamily drama (I refer to attaching my experiences with a PAS'ing BM hellbent on sinking my relationship) onto what you read. I don't think you're being selfish. I think you're trying to avoid having a drama wedding and actually get to ENJOY your wedding day without interference. I got married without the SKids being there and was in fact a couple thousand miles away from them at the time. They had no idea we'd even married. The first indication was when I was away and DH had a visit with SS's and BM saw his wedding band on his hand. BM asked was DH engaged? He told her no, he was married. He said the look on her face was priceless. SS's literally told him right after that with their mom standing there how they always knew he was going to marry me. BM stammered a congratulations and left asap. IF I COULD HAVE BEEN A FLY ON THE WALL THAT NIGHT!

The point of my blabbering story is that your wedding day should be about you two. Not who's going to cry, and what BM thinks and whatever else. My only suggestion is that those boys are made clear that their parents aren't getting back together and that's ok. The issue here is that BM doesn't want him happy or married and sounds to be willing to manipulate her kids to try to stop it. Boundaries need to be established for this overstepping manipulative woman and done soon and consistently. E.g. Do not talk about my relationship...click...like Echo said. Is your call or text or email not about the children? If not...bye. DH should put his foot down and not engage this power hungry wench. She'll amp up her game, for sure. She won't want to go down without a fight. With consistency of his response, she might just slither away back to her hidey hole.

Why take the chance of skids crying at the wedding; BM arriving unannounced, objecting, and then dancing on the table? Elope already!

Echo's advice is great; BM's ability to interject her opinion in your SO's life is long gone. Skids are just going to have to deal; they didn't get a choice when mommy had an orgy with all of daddy's friends and they don't get a choice in who dad marries. They're kids, not little dictators.

He definitely needs to shut BM down, none of her business AT ALL.

As far as the kids, though, although he doesn't OWE them any explanations, I think he needs to have a sit down with them. No, they don't get a say in who or when their parents marry or anything else but shutting them out isn't going to help, either.

There is nothing wrong with explaining to them that their mom and dad's relationship is over, everybody is moving on, you guys love each other, you want them to be happy, blah, blah, blah.

I think part of the reason these kids get so resentful, is that besides the BM's who trash talk, nobody talks to them about what's going on and they are confused, which makes them feel frustrated and scared. Yes, they are kids but they are also people with feelings.

We skipped all of the drama, told almost no one, and got married in our living room with the pastor, one of my sisters, one of DH's sisters, and then had a reception in our home about a month later. To this day, I'm not sure that BM even knows if we are married or not!

ELOPE. You can keep BM out of the wedding, but HER children will be there and they will probably ruin it anyway.

The struggle is real. I know that one if not all three skids would have ruined our wedding. I would fret about it all of the time. My imagination would run wild with the thoughts of what they would do. Heck they could not even behave in church. It was so embarrassing that my bio's and I would sit away from them. Anyway, we decided on a destination wedding with just our two best friends. It was a wedding and vacation rolled into one. It was beautiful and relaxing and totally stress free. I would highly recommend it. This is about the two of you. Google destination weddings and begin your search. You will love it. Wedding, vacation and honeymoon rolled into one.

No you are not being selfish. Quit being rediculous. Quit giving the toxic XW and the toxic prior relationship BM pawns any consideration in this what-so-ever. BM is told STFU and if she proceeds to try to poison the spawn she gets confronted nn the local court house with a filing of just about anything you can think of. The kids get one message. STFU.

End of problem.