Blinded by his Ex-Wife
New here so please be kind...
I met my partner while he was seperated from his wife. Our relationship took off very quickly and now we are 2 years in, I am a stay at home mom, and we have full custody of his 2 sons, age 5 and 3. From everything that he told me about her and their relationship, she is lazy and toxic. After 2 months of our relationship, she dropped the boys off at his house and left the state to go live with her new BF. While they were getting divorced, she never came to town to see the boys nor did she call to talk to them. At that point, the boys were 3 and 1. She always blamed my BF, her Ex, for her not calling or visiting. Saying she didn't want to call him/talk to him/see him just to be able to communicate with her kids. She essentially abandoned them for 11 months. During this time, the 4 of us established a new household while I quickly became "Mommy" to them. I love them as my own and definitely feel as though they are mine. We are now co-parenting, as she comes to town to see them one weekend a month. Here's my issue...
When it comes to her, my BF feels as though, they were together for 8 years, she's still a "huge part" of his life. He can't just walk away from her mentally or financially if she needs help. He "jokes" with me about how much she wants him back, how they talk all the time, and how he wants her to move back to town so she can be more involved in the boys lives. He doesn't always tell me when they've talked and feels as though he shouldn't have to tell me about it. Feels as though I'm being jealous for no reason. I've tried having a relationship with her but she doesn't try. From day 1, when she asked to meet and talk with me before she would let me be around the boys, she NEVER asked a question. She never tried to have a relationship. When she was gone for 11 months, I sent her updates on how the boys were, would send pictures, and tried to call so the oldest could talk to her. We got nowhere. Everything I tried went unanswered. My BF thinks I'm being selfish and jealous when I ask him to tell me about their conversations. He tells me when he's going to see her but then doesn't tell me what they talked about, or waits a couple weeks before telling me what they talked about. Then I get mad about something they talked about and he says that's why he never tells me about it. I've asked for honesty from him. I will not get mad if he's just honest with me but still refuses to be completely open about everything. A little back story... in the beginning of our relationship, he was still sleeping with her before she left and didn't tell me about it until MONTHS later. He also would still say I love you when they would get off the phone and when she came to town to finalize the divorce, they had lunch and proceded to kiss goodbye. He has told me they kissed 2 times total since the divorce. I have an extremely hard time trusting him when it comes to her...
We are now expecting one of our own and my hormones are everywhere. She wants to move back here because she is unhappy with her current BF and wants to be a bigger part of the boys lives. He has TOLD her, without talking to me first, that she can move into our 2nd home rent free and have the boys 4 days a week. Has offerd to give her a job at his family business where he will pay her above average so she can be "financially set". I know my emotions are valid when I say I don't like this and I don't trust it. He keeps telling me he's over her and I have nothing to worry about. He's "doing it all for the boys".
I know my hormones are all wacky... but I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel. I'm uncomfortable in my relationship because I feel like I have to be here to take care of the boys, but I just want to run away for a week to think if this is what I really want anymore.
Valid
Your feelings are valid! You have every right to feel what you're feeling. I wouldn't blame those feelings on the hormones what so ever. This all just sounds a little sketch if you ask me. I know you love him, and have a great connection with his kids, and are also having a child by him, but this sounds like it's not going to get any better. If he can't tell you what his conversations are about with is ex wife, then how is the building trust? What would he do if the situation were reversed? To me, it doesn't sound like he is over her. There are no boundaries when it comes to her. Why does she get to have special treatment after she abonded her own kids? Why does he get so upset with you for asking what they have talked about?? If he gets defensive, then there's something definitely up. I am not try to scare you or worry you, but I have been in this situation before and honey, it never turns out good. I know you don't want to hear "Leave him" But A lot of us are going to say that.... This is not healthy what so ever and I truly hope that you can start seeing that. I hope the best for you and your baby.
You are involved with a man who is still involved with his ex.
You are involved with a man who is still involved with his ex. Not only that, but he has no intentions of ending the involvement and has plans to increase it. He is in no way ready for a new relationship. Your feelings are valid and there are lots of red flags waving at you.
Your best bet is to end this relationship and immediately file for child support. In most places you can do that before the child is born. Contact a lawyer and find out where you stand financially - even though you are not married it sounds like you might have some financial entanglements. Start job hunting and figure out a way that you can support yourself and your child on your own. He can figure out childcare for his kids.
Sounds like you got sister
Sounds like you got sister wived.
This man is not quite
This man is not available for you to have a relationship with.
Wow, you really got suckered
Wow, you really got suckered into giving up your independence to take care of someone else's kids. And sorry to disagree with you, but you're not a SAHM. You're the gf/nanny/maid/bedwarmer, and you're last on your bf's list of priorities.
Since you also own the rental, why not put your foot down and tell your bf BM can't live there? No way would I give up that revenue stream, especially for BM. She can rent a room somewhere or stay with friends/relatives. Or tell him YOU'LL be moving there.
You're not married to this guy, which is good. But you need to get a job, regain traction in your life, and start standing up for yourself. With BM back, your nanny services should no longer be required so focus on taking care of you and your baby.
Not the hormones!
He NEVER stopped having a relationship with her. Plly blamed you for them breaking up and then turned around and blamed her for his shortcomings to you.
It is not either one of you IT'S HIM! HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THE BAD! HE WILL NEVER CHANGE!
LEAVE NOW! File for child support. Hope you are not married! DO NOT STAY!
I know it sounds harsh but your responsibility is to yourself and your baby. Imagine what that child will think of you if you are still together and he keeps seeing the ex. What about when he/she asks who that other lady with daddy is or why you stay or why daddy loves that other lady more than he loves you.
It will be difficult to think this way but he is hurting you! You are a kind and loving woman who deserves better than this man(....)! YOU DESERVE BETTER!
Agree
He still in a relationship with the ex. She can do anything she wants and he there to back her up. She is first you are second, third, fifth
I am so sorry to say it but
I am so sorry to say it but everyone else is right. He is still involved with her. It may not be physical YET but it will be. I would find a job, tell him to get daycare and get out. Start preparing to raise this baby as a single mom. File for CS the day you get home from the hospital.
There are three adults in
There are three adults in your marriage. You, your DH, and his XW. That is not something I would tolerate.
I have an XW, she is nothing more than that. My DW has an XBF/Baby Daddy. He is nothing more.
I would be giving DH clarity that there is only room for you and him in your marriage.
My husband was married to the ex 16 yrs
When they divorced that was the end of any communication with her. There was no "oh she's such a big part of my life" and he was glad to be rid of the abusive narc witch
Raisimg children and/or co
Raisimg children and/or co-parenting doesn't involve secrecy!!!! Really not much to discuss, follow the order... He should not give her more money than what stipulated in order, especially if tou have a lil one on the way!! Sorry, but a man that wants to please the ex over you is NOT prioritizing you or your feelings!!!