Wife moved back to her old house and took stepson with her. She still wants a relationship.
I am interested in what others might think of my situation. I brought 2 kids into our marriage and she brought 2 kids also. She moved out 8 months ago because her youngest son was not mixing into the family well. He would not go to school and mostly stayed in his room and played video games. He would not eat dinner with us and he would not go anywhere with us. She decided to leave and end the marriage because he was not getting his needs met. Actually our house was in a state of anxiety because he was foul and sometimes pushy.
So, 8 months later she still comes over about 2 nights a week and we hang out for lunch sometimes or go to a movie together. She is a good person and I do love her. Her son, no exageration, has never said a good thing about my or my kids. I did try to be father, role model, and I finally stayed out of his and my wife's way.
He recently told her that he prefers we do not live together until he is out of the house. This will be 3.5 years from now if he really decides to leave.
My question would be? Should I stay in this difficult relationship where I see my wife part time or is the pain of the relationship not worth it to my and my kids. I have my kids full time and they do better without the step brother around.
Thanks for any input. I know it is ultimately my decision but if you have ideas, I would enjoy reading them.
Thanks
Are you ready
to let a CHILD call the shots in your marriage? Because it sounds like your wife is!
And if you think that it all ends once "Junior" hits the magic number "18", then, my friend, you need to do some more reading on this board- because, let me save you the heartache- it NEVER ends at 18!
It's all about control and guilt. Ususally it comes from the dads (sorry about that, but it's true). But in this case, your wife is guilt-parenting her son, refusing to set-up boundaries, and letting him have all the control in YOUR MARRIAGE.
Here are the facts that she SHOULD be telling your SS:
*your Stepfather & I are married and OUR new home is where you will be living
*these are the rules and you will follow them
*you will respect all the people in the house. Period.
But she didn't. She let SS know that HE can have the power and control to disrupt the entire family- and your marriage. And by taking him out of the house and putting him FIRST, she is giving you a clear sign that she places her son's needs above your's as a COUPLE.
Not a good sign.
So the inevitable question- have you been to counseling about this issue?
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
I totally agree with 5Teens
No teenager should be calling the shots in your
relationship. No exceptions. If she refuses to hear
you and your concerns, then I think you have your
answer.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
I know blending a family,
I know blending a family, especially when the kids are teenagers, is extremely difficult. Thats why there are TONS of books on it (I suggest picking one or two up & sharing with your wife). Maybe counseling if possible will help? I do not think it was right of her to put her son's selfishness before the marriage. He is old enough to know to respect adults whether he likes them or not. She did not set up boundaries & she is guilt parenting, giving him ALL the control. I agree thats its important to try & make the transition easier for children, but moving out is definitely not the way to do it. So I would read up a little on techniques to blend a family, ask that she do the same, and try to convince her to move back in & work on blending the family the correct way. If she refuses, she is putting her child's feelings above the marriage, which is a big no-no. So in my opinion, never make someone a priority that only considers you an option ~ move on.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
She is already married
to her son! This situation is not fair to you and in no way is a substitute for a real commitment. Of course it is up to you, but in my book there are just too many fish in the sea, to settle for a part time marriage.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Wow.
I think she is letting her son call the shots, probably out of guilt. That is a tough decision. I think I would really have to re-evaluate, if it were me. I don't think that I would wnat to continue in a relationship. But when you love someone it is very hard. I would do what is best for you.
Good luck
Welcome
Maybe a little of your background might help. I'm not understanding why your wife would leave just because her son isn't blending well. How long have you been married and how long did you date before? Are you sure she just wasn't sure about the marriage herself? I don't think I would be comfortable with a part time husband. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
Bravo, Mustang..
There are kids who DON'T want their mom/dad to be HAPPY with
someone else. You REALLY hit the nail on the head with that
one!!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
You are the flip side of what so many of us are going thru
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Read some of the posts about fathers who are choosing to create monsters out of their kids, at the cost of their wives and their marriage. You are the flip side.
Even if he (your ss) leaves in 3 1/2 years, what diff will it make, really? Adult skids ruining happiness is rampant on here-and your W? went to the extreme of leaving you over her sons unhappiness?
As you said, ultimately, the decision is yours as what to do. But she has shown you clearly where your marriage lies in her priorities. Sorry, but that's a deal breaker to me.
Thank you for all of your input.
Thank you so much for all of your input.
The information that this may not end when he is 18 is something I did not think of. JEN76, to follow up on your questions about the marriage. We dated at least a year before we got married. I remember shortly before we were to be married, her son pushed and hit my son in a way that was not appropriate for a 9 nine year old to hit a 5 year old at that time.
JEN76, My wife is not using her son as a way to get out of the marriage. I am unhappy in the spot she put us in. She is telling me that there is hope and that she sees that things will work out in time. To me, it is hard to live like this knowing that it is an open time frame. My wife and I went to counselling 4 times and the counselor only wants to see her now. She has gone alone for around 5 times and took her son with her 1 time. The counselor's plan is that we love each other and not be concerned with her living with her son in her own house. If we love each other enough, this will show to her son and then he will come around to be okay with us.
Funny, even before we were married, we were very close and I know he wanted her only to himself and did not want to share.
Thanks again everyone for your input. It is very valuable to me at this point in my relationship.
Pack his crap up and ship him off to Military School.
It worked wonders for my SS. He was a good kid who is now incredible. He just needed consistent expectations set and an environment where feed back for behavior, good or bad, is instantaneous. The best thing is that there are no video games, no cell phones and computer net access is limited to research and school assigned e-mail.
It is all about accountability and it is working. It worked for my Dad, Me and my younger brother and it is working miracles on my son (SS).
This suggestion is only valid if you choose to continue the marriage. She is the one that walked on the family not you. Can you trust her long term if she bails out over her unruly child? I have my doubts.
Just my thoughts of course.
Good luck and best regards,
saltwater
I second all the responses that you have recieved..if she is babying him now she will baby him well after he turns 18 and I am pretty sure the son enjoys the POWER--
it is awful that a SO would allow a child's bad behavior take over a happy union, I am suffering with it right now, sticking thier head in the sand hoping that their narcissistic (thanks Mustang1) children will GROW UP is like hoping to win the lotto without buying a ticket IT AINT F'ING GOING TO HAPPEN!!
sorry I am feeling a little angry and hurt right now.
counseling might help???
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."