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THE STATISTICS ARE STACKED AGAINST BLENDED FAMILIES!

Momma2CJ's picture

Submitted by Momma2CJ on Fri, 10/26/2012 - 11:33am

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Blended Family Issues

A sad fact, but one we must acknowledge, is today over 40% of all marriages are remarriages for at least one spouse. This brings new complexities to forsaking all others as over 65% of these remarriages involve children. The thing to remember here that is very difficult for parents is this; God created marriage as the bond of all human relationships. The most permanent relationship in all of society is not between parent and child, but between husband and wife.

In all marriages, and even more so in blended marriages, children can and often do become masters at driving wedges between a husband and wife. They become expert at playing one against the other. Without the husband and wife working together to provide a united front, children often become rulers of the household. Of those remarriages I mentioned above with children, over 70% of those end in divorce. That is staggering when you think about it and an indication that couples fail to grasp forsaking all others, even when it involves children.

Of course I’m not advocating neglect or abuse. I am advocating marriage as God intended. I am advocating marriage where each spouse puts the other spouse first above all else. I think Dr. Laura Schlessinger summed it up well in her book, 10 Stupid Things Couples Do To Mess Up Their Relationships, when she said, “If your actions hurt your spouse, they are the wrong actions. Period.”

THIS WAS TAKEN FROM A SITE ON THE FOUNDATIONS OF MARRIAGE BY PASTOR MONTY RAINEY AT http://www.weddingministrybydesign.com/marriage101/forsakingallothers.html

TASHA1983's picture

Submitted by TASHA1983 on Fri, 10/26/2012 - 11:46am

I ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY COULDN'T AGREE MORE WITH THIS POST!!!!

Thanks for sharing!!! Smile

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 10/26/2012 - 1:09pm

I think because this is written by a pastor, the stand is God, marriage, family, work and community, so the writers point of view is god sanctioned the marriage and considers it permanent.

pissedoff205's picture

Submitted by pissedoff205 on Fri, 10/26/2012 - 2:18pm

Thanks and I totally agree with you Shamam29. It is for ma biblical stand point is how we are suppose to live our lives anyway. Thanks so much for sharing this information with me.

my.kids.mom's picture

Submitted by my.kids.mom on Fri, 10/26/2012 - 12:46pm

This article does not take into account the reasons children feel the need to engage in the behavior they do to separate the husband and wife. If we assume that children are just supposed to "suck it up" at every stupid move we make as parents, we are going to have issues. And when they "fight back" we blame them. WE are the adults. WE need to stop acting like kids don't matter. Re-marriages are NOT natural and should not be treated as such. Expecting the children to just step in line and go with the flow when their world has already been turned upside down at LEAST once is just too much in MOST cases. This goes for both sides of the child's parents. It takes THREE mature adults to make this work...the parent getting married, the new spouse, and the ex. If any of these don't get it, the marriage will always be stressful, and sometimes, not worth saving.

This article is a little confusing, because God didn't intend for us to divorce...so how can we dissect how God intended us to remarry?

Momma2CJ's picture

Submitted by Momma2CJ on Fri, 10/26/2012 - 1:56pm

The bible does speak of remarriage. This article did not go into specifics by any means and is meant to be applied into your situation appropriately, I don't think it applies children don't matter or that they have to suck it up. TO ME, this message tells me to NOT let the issues related to children disrupt a marriage and through it all remember man and woman were meant to be together so keep that intact throught all the ordeals with children.

PERSONALLY, I believe my SD fights for attention but does not grasp the fact that once more children are introduced into a situation she has to share the time and attention of her father with ME and our children. Her BM got a boyfriend (with kids of his own) and had another baby 3 years ago and she was no longer her mothers EVERYTHING then me and her dad had a baby in march and I am now 6 weeks pregnant again. When my husband and I get close, she attempts to get between us. She begs him to sleep in the room with her instead of me. if he and i are in the room alone she barges in. These things cause problems however there are reasons the problems are there, nevertheless, we have issues i think we need to be reminded that what we have should not fall under the pressure of that.

Momma2CJ's picture

Submitted by Momma2CJ on Fri, 10/26/2012 - 2:01pm

i agree, our bond as parents will be forever but our children are not meant to be with us forever, our husbands/wives ARE meant to be with us forever. it is our JOB to raise them to be functioning adults who are also able to have a successful marriage because they too will be a husband/wife and they need to know how to function in that role. children should not run any household.

pissedoff205's picture

Submitted by pissedoff205 on Fri, 10/26/2012 - 2:39pm

I totally agree with you. My 20 yr old SD is a spoil bratt and my husband is catering to her all the time. He always says to save money and pay off bills but she is a bill. She dont work and lives with us and he raised her on his own but I have BKids. He wanted my son to get a job and he had no car but his daughter has a car and no job. I am confused. She will try and drive that wedge but when I get tired, I have my own home I am renting to ppl temp. so I will have somewhere to go. But I want my marriage to work but if he cant let his adult daughter grow up then I will just wait things out and pray they turn out for the best.

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Fri, 10/26/2012 - 1:22pm

Disagree... respectfully.

God hates divorce, just like he hates murder, just like he hates slanderous talk (gossip) everyone is guilty of something. Those who ask for forgiveness are forgiven. I completely care about marriage the way God intended it. Has nothing to do with the end result of my first marriage being a divorce. Doesn't mean I don't CARE about the way God intended it.

JS.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 10/26/2012 - 1:11pm

"In all marriages, and even more so in blended marriages, children can and often do become masters at driving wedges between a husband and wife. They become expert at playing one against the other."

I've seen kids do this to their parents in intact families as well.

RedWingsFan's picture

Submitted by RedWingsFan on Fri, 10/26/2012 - 1:17pm

^^^Yes - it happens in all types of families, intact or blended. Hell, I remember my brother and I playing our parents against each other to get what we wanted!!! This isn't a "new" thing nor is it just a "step" thing.

Momma2CJ's picture

Submitted by Momma2CJ on Fri, 10/26/2012 - 3:13pm

I can respect your POV. I for one do care that the statistics are stacked but im in no way letting it be a reason or hinderence to making it work, I want to overcome them! Statistics being stacked against me doesnt mean Im not working toward making my marriage work but it is good for us to know this so we can keep in mind that these are things that are known to break up marriages and we have to make a big effort not to let it happen.

stormabruin's picture

Submitted by stormabruin on Fri, 10/26/2012 - 3:20pm

Why does it have to come down to rank, or anyone being 1st? Everyone in a family is equally important.

If the adults will behave like adults & quit trying to compete with the kids, & if they will teach the kids that their role is that of a kid, there's no need to rank anyone. No one has to come before or after anyone else.

I think most people who struggle with this issue are adults who have some NEED to feel superior, & they are the ones creating imbalance & chaos when it comes to roles.

This argument has been posed so many times recently & maybe it's just me, but it seems so stupid & unnecessary.

ETA: “If your actions hurt your spouse, they are the wrong actions. Period.”
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I also cannot agree with this. I think it's a fair guideline & something to consider, but there are spouses who get butthurt when their SO takes time to read a kid a story. They can't stand the kid. They can't stand to look at the kid. The kid merely breathing pisses them off & they get offended by any time taken away from themselves.

I really think that if people will play the role they're intended to play in a family, things work out fine...without having to determine one as more superior. I think it's when an adult is only willing to acknowledge their marriage & refuses to consider the family that this becomes a problem.

Momma2CJ's picture

Submitted by Momma2CJ on Fri, 10/26/2012 - 3:29pm

Well i don't think its always about competition. When raising children you will ALWAYS be met with resistance and then two parents have to come to an agreement on how handle that. the issue is two people will NOT always agree on how things should be handled, then there is a conflict, usually small between husband and wife and it becomes worse when children play parents against eachother. Sometimes kids have intent to break a relationship up, and sometimes they are just playing the parents to get what they want. Part of teaching kids to be kids is to teach them to respect authority. If they are behaving badly or disrespectfully,and one parent is failing to show the child that they have to hail to authority, i dont see how its conducive to the marriage or the growth of the child.

Starla's picture

Submitted by Starla on Fri, 10/26/2012 - 3:34pm

I like this post & step kids do know how to stick their noses where it don't belong. That is when the kid needs tough love from the birth parent. There comes a day when they need to learn that they will someday be on their own & that's when they can live how they choose to but until then, they are to follow & respect their parents rules & decisions.