Married to their children
A recurring dynamic when extended families are blended is that a divorced spouse may maintain closer emotional ties with children of a prior marriage than with an adult partner in a current relationship.
The dynamic sometimes starts when the first family falls apart. Children whose parental duo falls apart may attempt role reversal, trying to parent one or the other of their parents. As these children age into their adult years, they may turn the parent-to-my(mommy/daddy) into spouse to my (mommy/daddy). As such they may create tenuous intimacy with the parent, while using that access to encourage the parent to forsake or marginalize their more proper adult relationships.
These aren't intimate bonds in the physical sense. The dynamic involves social and personal roles that otherwise form the substance of personal intimacy.
Have others had this experience? Encountered this dynamic?
Does your spouse spend more time talking with adult children than with you? Are some topics - especially about emotions, feelings or relationships -- off limits between you and your spouse, while such topics are daily fodder for conversation between your spouse and stepkids?
This is SS8 and BM. It's like
This is SS8 and BM. It's like they're in love with each other.
SS14 is SS8's parent figure.
This happened between me and
This happened between me and my ex fiancee. He was never married to BM and the daughter has never seen her parents in one household since her birth. Short lived encounter in his early days- he never intended anything long term and felt trapped when she got pregnant. That is his version.What really happened I will never know:).
The daughter now 14 has lived with her mother and my ex fiancee had every other week. The mother and daughter have a very close relationship where the daughter parents the mother and approves of all her relationships, feelings and gives her advice. That was until 2 years ago when BM straightened her life and started applying proper boundaries with her daughter that led to BM getting married this year in May. It is still a struggle since the pattern that BM and my ex fiancee taught their daughter is difficult to unlearn. The daughter is already jealous of BM`s husband and runs to the mother of my ex fiancee for sympathy and shares she does not like the husband . No surprise here since the husband diverts attention from her and Bm now confides in her husband.
My relationship with my ex fiancee dissolved mainly because he failed to set the proper boundaries with his then 12 almost 13year old daughter. He would encourage her adult spousal status by preferring to sleep in one room with her while I will be put in the guest room at his mother`s and on another floor. She would come with us on our walks at night that are just for us and will listen to everything we say. BM would require special one on one attention for the daughter from my ex at every EOW that is even at family events like Thanksgiving and Christmas they will demand that I am not part of the celebration. I of course retreated and let him handle the EOWs himself but that turned him into a disney dad. Every time he would see her it was movies and special attention . After a year I realized he was not working on putting me in the family picture rather trying to present it as nothing has changed and did not set any proper boundaries with the daughter. When approached about it we had a huge fight that led to me moving out. He called me jealous and that was a signal for me that we needed to talk. We tried for a month but he would not see my point of view and refused counseling.
I had to detach and save my emotional integrity because I was falling apart. In that month he would go and share his feelings with his daughter and mother rather than with me and work on it with me as a team through counseling. That way he was teaching his daughter that she is an adult and can take part in important life decisions .
Now almost 1 1/2 years later with BM married and having similar issues to what me and him had he is getting a small glimpse of what his situation might be in case he decides to get married. He sees that better now and supposedly has asked his mother to talk to his daughter not to interfere in the marriage of BM. Now my ex wants to propose to a girl he has been dating. He is again facing the similar issues he was facing with me during our engagement. With BM married and him wanting to get married his daughter will lose the special status she was given by both parents. My ex hopes his mother will help him navigate and undo the pattern that they have thought this girl. Who will be 15 in a year and at a very crucial stage of her life .
Parents who do such damage to their children donot realize the consequence it has for the children and their subsequent relationships, marriages and lives. The damage to this girl was done by her mother and father and now they are the ones who have to deal with the consequences.Both parents used the child emotionally and now that this status is taken the girl will react and act out when my ex fiancee tried to marry me.
I was caught in the crossfires of two immature adults who did not parent properly , damaged the child and now after trying to sort their lives they are attempting to undo unhealthy patterns that the daughter has picked up due to their behaviour.
BM has obviously been trying for 2 years and continues to parent properly or else her marriage will crumble. I hope my ex will be able to overcome his own patterns of poor parenting and realize that it damages his daughter and his life and relationships. He has resistance and anger and feels critisized when approached about the subject so I hope he will be able to move through it successfully and look at it objectively for the benefit of all involved.
I come here to share with other women my experience. Hope it will be helpful to someone who will read it and will benefit from it.
My advice is if you see that type of parenting or unhealthy relationships - turn your back and move on. Do not waste your life, health and freedom on this.Enjoy life and healthy loving people and relationships around you. It is not your family or children and you are not responsible for their poor parenting. If you see that proper boundaries are not set- I mean with action not only with words- run for the hills ladies and fast:)
Love to all!
Thank you, for your feeback.
Thank you, for your feeback. It took me almost two years and a lot of soul searching and spiritual growing up to really see the issues for what it is. I had to go through shame, guilt . Shame that he put on me for leaving him the poor single dad.In these situations your feelings donot matter - all the matters is the feelings of the child and you have to take a backseat to whatever situation occurs. Guilt for not being able to hold on and deal with the situation and feelings of unworthiness and unlovability - the last straw was when he told me he does not love me. I was with him for 3 1/2 years and for 2 1/2 years we lived together and I supported him with advice, morally , emotionally and educationally so that he can push through grad school and his masters. I wanted him to do better and be a better man for himself and show a good example.
I had a recent conversation with him and he shared that he will ask his mother to talk to the daughter about her feelings of not liking the stepfather. I guess now he realizes that when he marries( be it me in the past or somebody else now- the woman does not matter) he will always have to face major issues with his daughter and in a sense wants his mother to do his parenting. Too afraid to lose the adoration and ego boost that he receives from his daughter. That is why he cannot see that he is contributing to the problem. In order for him to see that he is contributing to the problem he needs to do soem serious self- actualization and self- realization work on HIMSELF first. Now that he is getting married this is unlikely. On your second point- he does not know how to be a father- he did not want to be one and tries to avoid it and is struggling with it. So he goes to the path of least resistance- let somebody else handle it - my mom, my future wife. He cannot be a responsible partner unless he has learned how to be a self- actualized individual and a responsible father.
He has never had much of a father so he does not know how to be one. He is doing the best he can with what he has as a role - model. I am trying to be understanding and compassionate here. I know he is on his own path and sooner or later he will get to the point where he will have to confront the consequences of his poor parenting and ego - driven actions. At one point in our lives we all face these times and then we grow and learn from them.If we have not learned we repeat the lesson again. Seems to me he has to repeat the lesson he did not learn with me with this woman that he wants to propose to. We all know how this will end up. The same way it ended up with me and the woman before me. It is never about the SD it is about the man that we are with:)
Both parents were selfish only caring for their selfish feelings and personal dramas and that girl will end up damaged.
I tried to warn him , talk to him , explain him . I also tried to explain that to his mother. Nobody listened- I was told nothing will change and obviously nothing has changed.
There was huge pushback from his mother and daughter and Bm when they sensed we are getting serious and about to get married. I realized that everything else was a joyride. Once they sensed we were to get married - it was hell , chaos and turmoil. In that moment he turned is back on me and wetn on to share his feelings with his daughter and mother. I was alone. He would not go to counseling with me. In his mind and what his mother and daughter fed him that I was jealous of his daughter. We all know that this is a big cry for help on his part. Some men see that they need help others donot. Nothing can be forced! We all have to make our mistakes.
I appreciate your comment and I am glad I can help someone see and understand the dynamic! I am sharing my experience only
"Parents who do such damage
"Parents who do such damage to their children do not realize the consequence it has for the children and their subsequent relationships, marriages and lives."
I appreciate that observation. In what I can only admit are final acts of desperation, that's the urgent message I would hope to convey to SO before the other part of the story you describe plays out - disengagement, take care of self, etc. That's already well in play - separated by my initiative, at considerable expense, personally and otherwise.
It's not for lack of love on my part, and that's what eats away at whatever in me might be called a soul. This is the highest and best love i can offer, but my best hopes for the future generations of those I love are rebuffed. It's not for lack of love on the part of my SO, either. Rather, it's injuries from a childhood long ago, and failure by her parents to create a environment where the child who would someday be my SO (even if for this fleeting time) could learn to form mature familial bonds where adults pair with adults and children trust adults to show the way rather than grow up thinking they must show the adults the way.
Thank you, Brave old world!
Thank you, Brave old world! It took this experience for me to wake up and see it for what it is. It has taken years to set that pattern in motion and it will take years to undo that pattern and hopefully teach the daughter otherwise. These patterns and habits will reverberate through the years and set the tone for the future relationships in the daughter`s life and my ex fiancee`s life. The best thing you can do it detach or otherwise you can lose your sanity in all this. It is not worth it.
He loves me and deeply cares about me and I know that. 9 months after he said he does not love me we skyped and he said he loves me but wanted me to move on. I love him too and care about him deeply.He knows that I care deeply about him and his family. They need help and counseling and serious intervention to reverse the roles and patterns of familial bonds. He has a father but does not have a relationship with his father.His relationship with his mother is very strong and he acts sometimes as the father although his father is in the house.His mother shares her feelings with him etc.
His mother is a loving God fearing woman and I am sure she thinks she is doing the best she can too. She does not realize or understand how she is damaging her grand daughter, hindering the life of her son and him building a healthy marriage and relationships.
Funny now I went on a date with a man that I know since college. He does not have children but he has this unhealthy family relationship with his mother that hinders him from having self - actualized life. It does not matter if there are kids or no kids - if the man is not self - realized he cannot have a strong family and relationship with their significant other. It requires maturity
I am happy that I was able to help and what I said resonated with you!Wishing you to find a healthy and happy relationship one that honors you and your spirit!
Love always!
Yes...especially with ysd.
Yes...especially with ysd. Although it's almost phony on dh's end. Like he still lives in fear that if he - WE I should say - don't kiss her ass that she might just walk out of our lives, like her older sister periodically likes to do. We talk with her every week since she's moved out of home. Every time dh acts like it's been years since they spoke and misses her so much and they must talk for hours and we must make a huge fuss over anything she says.
Sometimes he drives me nuts with it
I have to remind myself that H's relationship with sd is different than his relationship with me.
And it's not sd's fault that this is how dh behaves.