Adult Spousal Roles Questions
I've seen a quote about skids being placed in adult spousal roles with their parents. Meaning a child is treated more like a spouse and authoritative figure than a child.
I have to wonder what will the parent do when these children grow up and (after attempting to sabotage all their parent's relationships) go off and find someone else to marry?
How are these children's new spouses treated? How do these children raise their own children? I wonder if there is ever any poetic justice as in these children have children that try to sabotage their marriage too?
Any experiences out there that can shed some light on this?
It seems a lot of SMs hold out some hope for when the skids leave the nest that there will be some normalcy. However, if the cycle starts all over again when the skids began having children, then what???
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The pattern repeats itself
The pattern repeats itself inevitably. I see that the Behemoth's mom gave her "adult spousal status" when very young and she repeats the same mistake by giving her children the same status.
You're smart. I can tell you
You're smart. I can tell you have given this some thought and your insights are very interesting. I wonder these same things sometimes.
From what I have read on here many of these skids struggle in their relationships with their own spouses because of what has happened in their own families, you are right. I do however believe that if at some point they are in stable relationships and they don't get divorced...they have a chance at a normal life. I realize there are exceptions of course but from what I have observed of this very behavior it would seem that the father or mother has set them up for failure in these future relationships. I can't quite explain the pyschology behind it but it makes sense that if there is not a healthy relationship complete with healthy boundaries, the skids will have some large issues with their own spouses. I wonder if this will be the case for my SD's. Their problem with me is that when I came along and took that authority away from them, they lost total control of their father which obviously is unacceptable to them. He was afraid of them, especially once he left their mother. They were angry and began to blame him for everything in their lives that went wrong and for the way they ended up. I have to add here that there is nothing wrong with them and their lives are more luxurious and stress free than any two people I have ever met. However, when they don't get their way they blame daddy because he gives in to them every time. They are ungrateful and selfish and he has created these monsters all on their own. By giving them the power to upset him and hurt his feelings he also gives them power to control the decisions he makes. When we first got together SD's told him he didn't belong with me, that he could do better and they wanted to pretty much have a counseling session with him to talk him out of the "mistake" he was making. Even though he was in love with me at the time, they had the ability to manipulate him enough to make him believe if he didn't choose them over me, their relationship would effectively end. So he called their bluff and guess what? THEY ARE STILL HERE! They apologized because they were genuinely afraid of losing him and they came around when they were ready.
I think it's worse when they already have this power before you come into the picture because to me the struggle lies within SO/DH attempting to take it away from them which causes absolute chaos for both DH and new SM.
Truthfully, I don't know what it takes to break the cycle but what I do know is IF it can be done it might take decades!
Thank you iloveit. That is
Thank you iloveit. That is why I like this site, all of the comments on here are caring and insightful.
Thank you Auteur as I suspected this and I think it explains and highlights just how much SMs are up against.
If none of us did care then we wouldn't be upset by these things. We wouldn't be here. However, unlike a lot of these skids, we know we can't and shouldn't control others.Even when we try to disengage we struggle because we want and hope for the best. Teaching, disciplining, and caring for others is a responsibility that most of us took on with our own biological children. We are preparing our kids for the future.
I just find it so mind-boggling that a lot of parents out there don't seem to consider the consequences of their bizarre anti-parenting and what the eventual outcome will be. They don't ever question or perceive outlandish behavior as abnormal. Of course I am beginning to see a pattern of a lack of maturity and a lot of hypocrisy among parents who put their children in these adult spousal roles too. There is mainly excuses and no real reasoning. How do you cope with that when it's like communicating with a vacuum? It just perpetuates frustration on the part of the SM.
Onmyway I think this is
Onmyway I think this is excellent advice and I do think about when skids have their own kids how that will effect my relationship with SO. As it is things are very strained since skids refuse to meet me but if they still pull this crap once they get married and start making all these babies...I suppose it's just as easy for me ignore it. They are not my kids to begin with, why would I feel the need to have a relationship with step grandkids? I'm glad you posted this it makes sense to me and I'm relieved to hear that I'm not alone in this too. I have feared them procreating since SO and I got together but in the grand scheme of things...it doesn't matter. If my SO wants to visit with them somtimes I guess that's his perogative but he and I will never have a healthy relationship if he's alright leaving me home and going to see step grands for the rest of our life together. It will be interesting to see what happens, that is for sure.