Yes - that is the reason that they are single. The "child first" trend is brand new. Never before has a successful culture venerated the least productive and most demanding members of the society. It doesn't work on an economic level and it doesn't work on a household level. My FH is an incredibly intelligent man but even he has drunk the childcentric kool-aid that his wife and every pop psychologist push. It drives me insane!

I swear that if we were in some sort of accident and I had my arm torn off but the skids (3 teenagers) had minor scrapes, he would bandage them up, sooth any upset feelings and give them a lollypop before seeing what he could do for me. Luckily I am extremely good at taking care of myself.

hmmmm, considering i'm a single parent to my 2 young sons with no support/involvement from their father, I have to say that they come first for me. I am engaged to a new wonderful man who is going to be their stepfather. BUT, knowing how I feel about ss8, I know he must at least feel half way similar to me about my kids (his skids). So, I feel that i'm the only person who's going to love them as much as I love them (meaning stepdad wont' love them like I do), that I have to make sure they come before anything else.

I also think there are different ideas of "coming first". My SD11 comes first ex.:

No date nights with just the two of us because SD11 gets mad that she doesn't get to go

All weekends are centered around SD11 and what she wants to do (keep in mind that Sd lives with us 24/7)

SD11 wants (not needs) come before my needs

If I was hurt or ill...SD11 wanting to go to mcDonalds or go buy something at Walmart would come first and DH might check on me when she went to sleep or was out of hearing distance

Allowing SD11 to do whatever she pleases...have company (multiple people at least 3-4 times a week)and I am left to cater to and clean-up after after working 6 days a week.

This is my idea of a kid coming first. I put my son's needs a priority but his wants are on an as need basis. I put my family first and try to prioritize...my husband is my life partner and we are the soul of the family...this is just my opinion.

Spouse - no ands, ifs or buts!!

Hi christenin, I hope you have better luck with your guy listening to the counselor than I did. I was thrilled to hear our counselor say exactly the same things to BF that I had been telling him for years...exactly the same things your counselor said. 1. couple time is crucial and he MUST make it a priority. 2. the couple is the sun and the children are planets. The planets can only survive and thrive if the sun is healthy. Nurture the sun and the planets will follow. Soooooooo, a year or so later, there is still no date night with me, although there seem to be plenty of date nights for father and son who are more than happy to leave me bored at home while they go out to dinner and a movie! The son literally is still the sun. The world revolves around his every whim. He wants something and dad drops everything to run to the store to buy it. Vacation? Sure lets ask the kid where he wants to go. Dinner? Sure, lets see where the kid wants to eat. I ask what we are doing over the weekend and BF can't tell me, he has to ask the kid first! We are stuck with skid this New Years weekend. Dad is thrilled. He is beside himself trying to make every second fun for the kid. I suggested going out, just for a few minutes, him and me, for a couples drink or snack.....you can guess how that went over, we wouldn't want the poor child to feel left out would we? ...maybe next year.

Your marriage is your first priority and your child is your first responsibility. Your marriage, if maintained, will be there after your child flies the coop. I was with a "child first" man and that was hell. I'm married to a man who believes what I believe and it is heaven. Think about it like this, if they were still an intact family, they would put the marriage first (probably). Why is it all the sudden different in other situations? Doesn't the child still need a good example of a healthy adult relationship to learn how to be when they grow up? My SS actually just complained a couple of days ago that he feels less important SOMETIMES. So, y DH asked what sometimes means. Sometimes means when he isn't getting what he wants. DH explained to him that a.) some of these things are just a no, b.) he isn't the only one in the house, c.)you don't always get what you want in life and you just have to deal with it. However, that does not mean SS is not important, but we are a family and have to learn to give and take. Not just take.

I think both have equal importance.

These people who put their kids above all else....who are they going to be living with when those kids grow up and move out...assuming that's their goal. I know that's my goal. I LOVE my son and SS but I want them to grow up and move out, get married (not to psychos)and give me grandchildren!

Anyway back to what I was saying...who will they be living with? Will they be alone because they are divorced because they never bothered to work on their marriage? Or will they be living with a stranger?

On top of that, if his child always comes first, where do your children fall in this pecking order if you have some together?

Christinen, you might want to reassess what you're agreeing to here. He's telling you that his daughter will always be first, and he's showing you this is true by using Your money to pay for His kid at the cost of neglecting your bills? I'm curious what it is about this relationship makes you want to marry this man.

The marriage should be the top priority - stability is good for kids and having a good role model for what a healthy relationship should be is doubly important for girls. Does he realize this will be teaching his daughter that if she is ever a stepmom (which becomes more likely all the time) that he is showing her that she should accept a backseat? If he doesn't have a stable relationship, that's not good for his kid either.

I had this conversation with my DH before we even got engaged and he thankfully was on the same page as me - the marriage comes first. He seems to believe more firmly than ever that this is the right way to go, as his daughter has PASed out which would leave 100% alone for all those fun things like scary doctor's appointments and figuring out bills and oh yeah, all the court crap with get pulled into by BM and SD.

Men like this should never get remarried - they're honestly not willing to put in the work it takes to make the marriage succeed and their excuse is always that their kid comes first. And they are definitely the guys that even once his "little girl" is married - he'll still drop everything to run to her when she sneezes. Best of luck.

I walked out on Hubby over this last year. I stayed gone for four months. He found out that little miss "comes first" doesn't do his laundry, cook for him,handle his finances, accompany him to work functions, take care of him when he's sick, laugh at his cheesy jokes, and many other things. About a week after moving back in, he got off work one evening, and I asked him what he'd like to do for the weekend. He responded," When I am off work, making you happy is my number one priority, what would YOU like to do?"
Wow, maybe that few months of sniffing dirty shirts to see which one was cleanest worked!
He still caters to Snitchy's every whim, but she doesn't come in between us like she used to anymore.

I think it doesnt matter what number the marriage, if the heads of the family unit arent strong then the whole thing crumbles. You cant expect to put other things before your marriage and for it to last. This applies for anything, in laws, work, children, friends, drugs, alcohol, etc.....
And i mean in a "deeper" sense of putting things above your marriage. Obviously we have to work, etc....

I think it's more important to put the whole family first. You marry into a situation and should be fully cognizant of that going in. There are times when your S-kids' emotional needs are more important than your own, and any stepparent should expect that to happen occasionally, but the family being happy and healthy as a whole should be the goal of each individual family member. Even if you want to ring your future SD's neck sometimes, remember that she's a bright spot in your FDH's heart.

I take this like, "if you try to turn this into a competition between you and my kids, you will lose." It's immature and unhealthy to try to make a parent choose between their kids and their partner, anyway. It reeks of insecurity. It's like teenagers who try to get their bf or gf to prove they love them. So the message is, "if you plan on playing those games, let's not waste any more of our time here, get lost."

A lot of single parents have been through very unhealthy dynamics and even abuse of some kind. I mean, many of these guys would still be married if it were a healthy relationship, right? So someone with that perspective is likely have a reaction like, "no way am I EVER going to let someone else come above my kid!" And actually, I think that statement is correct. SomeONE, shouldn't come above the kids, but it should be the couple, together, as a single entity, that should come above the kids (as long as it is a healthy relationship!!). I don't think anyone in the family can be healthy and happy if the couple isn't healthy and happy. Simple as that.

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, putting my son first in my second marriage was one of them. I neglected my husband, he always played second and it cost me that marriage. I'm in a relationship now where I am the one playing second so I guess you could say i'm getting my pay back. But I came out of that relationship with the full understanding that the priorities should go in this order, God, spouse, kids, everything else. The best gift you can give your kids is a happy marriage!!

I don't think it is healthy to make a blanket statement that one person ALWAYS comes before another.

Here's an example:
What if your child (age 12 not 2) wants a trip to get that ice cream cone right this minute - but you are supposed to be walking out the door to take your best friend to chemo?

So those of you who say the kid always comes first would have no hesitation in calling your friend and saying "Oh tough just cancel that chemo because snowflake wants to go get ice cream".

I think it is important to teach a child to be kind and considerate of other's feelings. Not to always give in to others - but to at least be aware of how you are affecting them.

Adult spouses are supposed to be a team, and they, as a team of parents, are responsible for putting the children's NEEDS first. However, a child's NEEDS and a child's WANTS aren't the same thing. Children need food, clothing, love, and stability. They need structure and guidance. And believe it or not, they need discipline as a part of that. They don't need to be able to undermine one parent to the other, or one spouse to the other, they don't need to be able to play both sides against the middle, and rarely if ever does a child NEED a shopping spree. There are a lot of instances where I see parents putting a child before their spouse in a way that is simply indulgent, which is probably why they are single or remarried.

My marriage is my first priority. It is also my spouses' first priority. Because of that, our kids will not be in divided homes, and we, as parents, come together to make sure their NEEDS are met. And when the children try to twist their wants to look like needs, we parents form a united front, kabosh that crap, and suppport each other.

I will always put my bio kids best interest first. I have a biological obligation to them, and I feel that trumpet everything. But that being said.... It's not in their best interest to grow up thinkin g the world revolves around them, its not in their best interest to expect everyone around them to drop everything to do what they want.

I think the problem comes in when parents lose sight of the bigger picture, and their purpose as parents. I'm not trying to give my kids whatever they want, I am trying to raise them into well rounded productive members of society. If ever there comes a time that being with my husband and his kids (my kids half siblings) is no longer in their best interest, then I will put my kids first and leave. I put their best interest above my own, so I am damn sure not going to put someone else's above theirs, husband or not.

I constantly see news articles of moms putting the new bf above her kids well being and the bf abused, beats, or kills the kids. And everyone rails against the mom, for not putting her kids first. Obviously that's an expreme example of why putting a relationship above your kids isn't a good idea. Ultimately, your biological children need to be your first priority. But that certainly doesn't mean that the kids are in charge. Those are two different issues.

I can live without a man, but I could not live without my children.

My DH and I had a blowout argument over this topic this week. I'm still furious about it and not sure what the future holds for our relationship.

He made it clear in no uncertain terms that his daughter is his #1 priority and told me that the whole reason she has so many problems is that he put her on the backburner while making other things (his job, his marriage, his other kids) his priority.

I really don't know what to do since this is all being encouraged by the family therapist he's seeing.