I'm new here! Can't seem to like my SS7&SS11...Help?!

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I can't believe I found this site! I would be so grateful for some advice!

First off, I am NOT married yet. I am engaged to a great guy, however his sons have given me a reason to put off the wedding.
My fiance and I have been together for two years. He has full custody of his two sons, ages 7 and 11. (Their mother is in jail, so no BM problems....yet!)
The problem is his sons are spoiled little sh*ts!!! They have always been given whatever they want by their maternal grandparents because they feel guilty for their daughter being a loser. They have also been given extravigant gift from my fiance because he felt guilty that their mother was not around. This was before he and I got together.
When I entered the picture I saw the situation for what it was and told my fiance it was unacceptable. An ADHD child (SS7) should NOT be allowed to drink half a gallon of chocolate milk a day. Nor should he be allowed to stay up until 1 or 2 am, simply because he does not want to go to sleep. My fiance decided I was right, and vowed to change. Which he has. The children now have a bedtime, have rules and structure. The problem is, they HATE me for it. They see me as the end of their reign if terror, and lash out because of it.
Added to this problem is the fact that my fiance SEES that im not affectionate with his boys. And it bothers him. I have tried to explain that if a child is not going to behave, I will not reward them by giving hugs, snuggles, treats, etc. This makes my fiance mad because he thinks I should simply love them the way he loves my two children. BUT my two are toddlers. They have been raised in a structured environment, and are polite, well-mannered kids. I.E. Easy to love!!!
This leads to my second problem, my kids see/hear horribly innapropriate behavior in my step-sons, and have started to talk back, whine, etc. Just like the boys. I do NOT want them acting like these kids!!!!!

I don't know what to do. I have even thought of leaving my fiance because of this. HELP!

Sorry this was so long...

If you're already feeling

If you're already feeling like this, run for the hills!!! I have stepparented twice and you will never love them like you love your own especially with behavior problem children. Your own kids are going to suffer too. In my opinion, life is too short to subject yourself and your kids to an unbearable situation and guess what, because the mother is a loser, both your fiance and his family will always feel guilty and let those boys get away with murder. I know my husbands ex went to jail for a while and the kids had to visit her. They were teenagers, my husband continually overcompensates for her shortcomings. Of course I don't know what kind of guy your husband is. I don't know if he's worth it or not. Only you can answer that question. Just don't expect a lot of changes because most times there are none.

hi and welcome, there is a

hi and welcome, there is a lot of experience and wisdom on this site (not particularly me :), but many stepmother that have been trying and trying and finding ways to cope, to improve things or found the strenth to run away on time
if you read some of the postings on this site you realize that things will not get better, they will get worse. the step mom role is a very hard one with high emotions, lots of conflicts and soemtimes very extreme situations. i know that im not exaggerating when i say that many women have tried everything to make it work and they have ended up feeling lonely, used, not apprecitated and in some cases deeply depressed. there is no easy answer for you. the best thing to do is to establish VERY clear rules and expectations for the kids and that the adults are ALWAYS a strong front together in the eyes of the kids. very consistent message from the adults to the kids at all times, strong limitations and overall NEVER allow a kid to mistreat the step parent..that is the beginning of the end.
also i would recommend couples therapy right from the get go....and then..if you see that you are off to a good start , only then think about marriage.
im married , i have 1 SD 12 and 1 BS 10 and i have been at it for 6 ++ years, i also struggled a lot with hte bad example for my BS...and the only answer i found is to always reward him for what he does, to always be clear with him about how great it is to behave well and to pray he will not follow the example of hte little brat Step sister...sometimes i wonder what i would have done if i truly knew then what i know now....
i hope i helped

HI and welcome, I came to

HI and welcome, I came to this site for almost the same reasons...also because there were so many times when I felt like I was the "crazy" one. I have a similar situation with my bf. He and I have been dating for almost five years (he would have like me to move in but because of skids I have refused to do so). My children and his children are basically the same ages. My kids are in school and functioning and his skids abuse alcohol (bm is an alcoholic and most of her immediate family also) not in school full time, not working, etc. I will converse with his ss but I cannot STAND THE SIGHT OF SD. He will always make comments about me not bonding with sd. IT HAS BROKEN US UP TWICE THIS YEAR. You can read my post from several days ago for details. He sought me out again and would like to go back but last night when he called me I heard his SD in the background and immediately my stomach turns. I don't think I can do this. He, like your fiance is a great person but overcompensates for SD mostly not SS and she runs the show. I have read and read on this site and my take is that there are many of us out there who have put up with alot of drama and wonder if it was worth it. ONLY WE CAN DECIDE FOR OURSELVES I know this. I am lucky that my children are off on their own in college and med school and they basically want nothing to do with his skids, my son's comment on SD is that there are "plenty of idiot girls in the world" and she is a total idiot, arrests, drunken binges, etc. However, your children are alot younger and it seems like you have put alot of time into getting a routine down and structure and love for your children, I would be really think about your situation. You are looking at many years of child rearing with kids who could very well influence your children. Honestly I don't want my children anywhere near his kids. they are a total mess and I have learned that SD does nothing wrong in his eyes and in the back of my mind I always felt that if I moved in with him and we went away and something happened it would have been my kids fault and I refuse to have my children set up like that. I don't know if this helps ...good luck in your decision...I know its not easy....

Thank you all soooo much for

Thank you all soooo much for your replies. Just this morning my fiance got on me about not bonding with SS11. We have a wood stove and I started burning a pile of papers. My fiance woke up and said, "why did you wait until he went of to school to do that? You know he's been waiting to do it! Its like you dont even want to do anythign with him." I told him, "When he acts the way he does-I dont." Period. It is a really hard concept for my fiance to get, and I dont know if he ever will.
Im thinking seriously about leaving, but the financial aspect scares me. We live together, and i'm a full-time college student.
*sigh* I wish the boys would just get their acts together and stop acting the way they do!!!!

I'm just glad im not crazy for feeling this way...

Thanks for your advice

Thanks for your advice Ripley.
I would like to say, I try not to be the evil step mother. However, as stated before, I do not reward bad behavior. If one of the boys has a good day at school, or achieves something, or is particularly helpful to his father or I, I am the first one to step up and praise them. I do not mind in the least being affectionate with them, but I will NOT give them attention when they are being jerks. I do not even do this with my own children.
If you are misbehaving or being rude, you will not receive attention. Period. This is an issue with my SO because he does this often. When the boys are misbehaving he will buy them a new toy, or rent them a movie. Which upsets me because A) we can't afford it! and he is teaching them that if they are little sh*ts, they get treats.
"if you move to fast with discipline before you've had a chance to build a friendship with them then they can turn on you. I would pull back for a while and tell BF that you want him to take the lead with discipline in front of the boys."
I see the wisdoim in this, and at first this is how it was. However, my SO just had knee surgery and will be bedridden for the next 11 weeks. Which makes me the only one to take care of the house, and four kids, plus taking care of my SO. This makes the situation even tougher.

This is too similar to my situation

My dh does the same thing and also notices I don't interact with ss11. I did at first but dh has no bedtime set. I talked to him and for a while he made him go to bed earlier. It didn't last. There's been so much that ss has done that's made me come to resent him. He shows up uninvited at midnight. Makes a mess and never cleans it up. Now we have a baby and he's jealous of him which sets alarm bells off in my head with some behavior I've seen towards my baby. He comes here filthy and smells terrible then tried to put his hands on my baby. Last visit he suddenly loved my little one which I think is all an act because dh got on his a$$ over it. I could go on and on. If dh refuses to see your side then there's not much you can do. I fear that even though I adore my dh it's not gonna work. I wish you better luck.

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