how to disengage... that's so easy, they do not live with you, pretend they are strangers,

you do not even ask how they are and if DH wants to visit them he can do it all on his own, but you are married thus Christmas, Thanks giving, Easter, Independence Day, those holidays are yours not theirs, DH has to make it clear to them, they are welcome at your house as long as they show respect and treat you like a human being, if they can't do that they do not have to come over and you will have holidays without them.

Simply put some boundaries in place....

Here is the link to the disengaging forum on Steptalk: https://www.steptalk.org/forum/162

Based on the ages of all the adult children, I assume you and Dh are retired ?

My suggestion is for you and DH to do what younger parents can not do. Move. Make your retirement pleasant relaxed years. Move far away from all the children. Those that truly care (and are worth having around occasionally) will travel to visit you and Dad. Every one of these adult children are in their 40's.

They don't need Dad and SM living in their vicinity. It's probably time to down size on the home anyway. Perhaps on of those lovely gated communities with duplex condominiums. A community room for socializing , a gym and pool and a little furbaby to sit on your lap while you sip your morning coffee.

These children are all raised. Good, bad or indifferent they all are now what they will make of themselves. Your and Dad's hands-on duty is long over. We have a lady on the adult stepchildren forum who did just this... move. They sold their home, packed up their things and drove away. Now the most she and Dh must do is an occasional frantic call from his crazy daughter. They live their life, for the most part, in peace and happiness.

If you can't disengage from the adult children, because they just won't let you live your own life, then remove DH and you from them. Be sure your wills are intact, clean up your local business affairs and go live the remaining years of your life surrounded by people your ages who have escaped to ride out their last chapters of their lives in without all the drama and stress.

If you haven't mastered disengaging from all this kid crap after 30yrs, it's time to just take yourself and DH away from it all.

The same thing happened to me over 37+ years. We did move, upon my insistence. It has helped more than I thought it would. My SD and her immediate family have made one of their main goals, "make SM miserable". I, like you, worked at it for 30+ years and took more mental abuse than any group of people should have put themselves thru. I did this to myself.

I disengaged from SD and her family 7+ years ago. It was not easy, because my DH literally hated me, for not loving his DD and continue putting up with her abuse. We even separated for a short time. After moving, it has improved greatly.

Not everyone is able to move away. If this is the case, you should begin disengaging, by getting your own life, and moving forward with what makes you comfortable and happy mentally. In doing so, you will probably have to disengage from your DH somewhat also. I had to totally disengage from DH and SD's (and her family) relationship. This caused WWIII.

First, I set boundaries for myself. In doing this, I let go of everything in my past, concerning DH and SD. I put the "ball in their end of the field"; it is now their relationship, their troubles, and they mostly leave me alone. My SD will never quit trying to make my life miserable, but I have taken a stand. It is all out in the open and everyone in the family knows where it stands, including grown SS's and family. Like you, I also say what I mean and usually it is one sentence, with no doubt left in anyone's mind, what I mean. I kept quiet for 30+ years and when I let go, it was much to fast and furious. Don't disengage too quickly. Take it one day at a time.

Go to the Disengage forum of this site. It is extremely helpful. Stay here on Steptalk, vent, shed tears, take long walks, and walk away from the past that you tried so hard to build, with your SD's. Let it go. Do not live in the past, only sort it out in your mind.

This will take time and you will fall off the wagon many times. After 7+ years I have bad days and have to vent here, shed tears, take long walks, and remind myself "this is for me". They are history, I don't care if my SD exists. I take care of my disabled DH and my marriage; SD has nothing to do with me and has not for several years. SD is not part of my life and I have finally reached the point "I don't care". It has taken my a long time to reach where I am today. SD does absolutely nothing for her disabled father and never has, except to bring him gossip and the negative side of her life.

Stay here with us, read and be assured, you are not alone; you will get thru this. I have too many years invested in my marriage and I love my DH; my SD is history and will never interfere again in "my" life, because I am in control now of my own well being.

(((hugs)))